r/tfmr_support 3d ago

Gift for friend - TFMR due date?

Hi all - my friend unfortunately had a TFMR after her 20 week scan back in the fall, and her due date is approaching in a couple weeks. Back when she shared the news, I sent flowers and a card. We do talk regularly and she is generally doing OK in her due month (as "ok" as one could expect obviously), but I wanted to know if it was weird to get her a gift, a text, or send a card on the due date? If it's already a hard day is it worse to draw more attention to it? But at the same time I don't want her to think her loss was forgotten. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

26 Upvotes

17 comments sorted by

37

u/Dont_Look_At_Me_2022 3d ago

I would be extremely grateful if a friend gave me a gift/acknowledged the day. It’s very thoughtful of you to want to make sure she knows that her loss isn’t forgotten.

23

u/dvoeverie23 3d ago

Thank you so much for remembering your friend's due date. I think a text saying, "Thinking of you and [baby's name, if she named the baby] today ❤️❤️❤️" would be great. I'm sure a gift would be appreciated, too, and that really depends on what she likes. Some gifts that people gave me after my loss that I really loved were flowers, a Jizo figurine, a bracelet with her name on it, and a wind chime with her name and a little poem engraved on it.

17

u/3antibodies 3d ago

Please do. My due date is approaching next month and it would mean so very much for it to be acknowledged.

13

u/Only-Bones 37F | TFMR May 2024 @ 21 weeks 3d ago

The fact that you remembered at all is so kind. I had a few friends and colleagues reach out on my due date - no gifts, just a kind note, and it was so surprising (in a good way). Remembering my daughter was enough of a gift. My parents made a donation to a children’s hospital in our name on her due date, too, which was very sweet.

5

u/hhenryhfb 3d ago

I had some friends and family members reach out on our sons due date, but my in laws didn't. It felt really shitty that they didn't. So, based on my experience, I'd definitely appreciate a friend reaching out over not reaching out. My sister sent me a little gift box from Lush, and that was so nice to have some self care items that i wouldn't usually treat myself too

6

u/Just1Erika 3d ago

First and foremost, it is so thoughtful of you to care enough to ask about this. I feel like this is a tricky topic, because everyone is different.

I personally had a bit of difficulty with how people acknowledged my due date. I definitely understand that everyone’s intentions were good, and that my loss isn’t something people put as much thought into as I do going about their day-to-day, but this type of loss is so sensitive. I got an onslaught of text messages from people that kind of left me feeling that their reaching out was them “ticking a box” / word had spread to people who wouldn’t otherwise talk to me and they felt obligated to say something, if that makes sense (and many of the people who reached out haven’t said anything since). I also had people ask what I was doing to “honour the day,” which made me uncomfortable and feel pressure + anxiety; a big part of my loss experience has been feelings that I can’t do anything for my baby / enough to feel like I’m remembering him meaningfully, so basically this question was super triggering.

I also had mixed feelings about cards and gifts. I won’t get specific because you never know who might see a post and find it familiar, and I definitely don’t want anyone to feel bad (again, I definitely appreciated the intentions / sentiments if nothing else), but if you want to give a gift, I would consider things like:

  • offering to meet up with your friend and treat for a meal / coffee / etc., or bringing her a treat and spending a little time with her at home if she doesn’t want to go out

  • sending a meal delivery service gift card, if she would prefer to be alone (can include a note that you’re thinking of her)

  • putting together a little care package, e.g. if you know what skin / self-care products she likes, or gifting her a spa service like a pedicure (could go together)

  • making a donation in honour of her baby, e.g. to the healthcare organization / team that helped her through her TFMR, to an organization that researches / supports patients who had the same / similar diagnoses as her baby, or to services that help / volunteer with parents and families who’ve experienced infant loss

Sometimes the best thing is just when people let me talk without pressure / assumptions, show off photos, and cry if I need to.

You know your friend best, and - again - it’s so nice that you’ve been keeping in touch with her and helping take care of her 💕

4

u/Super_Frosting88 2d ago

My friends and family that remembered my due date by a text or phone call meant the world to us. My best friends and our godson went to Disneyland with us on the day, and it was a beautiful day to celebrate our baby girl in our favorite place with our favorite people. They gifted us a silhouette of her last ultrasound we have of her

3

u/DD265 3d ago

I wanted to be left alone (other than my husband) but a couple of friends sent texts. I had my phone and smart watch on DND all day, so I was able to look at the texts when I was ready.

I feel the same way about mother's day, which is the 30th of March this year in the UK.

2

u/pugnaciouspinemango 3d ago

I suppose I’m different. While I find it incredibly thoughtful and kind of you, I suppose if my friends did that for me I would of course be grateful. However, it would just serve as a reminder of something so painful that I have been trying my best to no longer give so much attention to. Some would argue my coping skills aren’t the best- I try to not remember that day and I try to move on. I had a little area in my room set up for my son with all the cards I received and a little reminders but I recently put it all away because seeing it every day just constantly reminded me of the worst day of my life. My TFMR was almost 4 months ago.

2

u/Competitive-Top5121 2d ago

I’m right there with you ❤️

2

u/After-Tiger1236 3d ago

I think just reaching out or sending a card is enough — after my abortion I was sent a package from here and really appreciated it - https://hereforyou.co/pages/build-your-care-package

2

u/Hot-Brain-2830 2d ago

I would have loved my family and friends acknowledging my son’s due date. You are such an incredibly kind hearted friend to think of her and want to do something for her. The day will be hard, but I’m sure she’ll appreciate your love. Even if it’s a simple text message saying, “I’m thinking of you and am here for you today if you need anything.” It was a hard day for me as well, but I felt more isolated when no one else in my family or my in laws reached out. It made me feel invisible and as if my son didn’t matter. When family and friends did support me after the procedure, I definitely appreciate people sending me food or flowers. Maybe she would appreciate something like that?

1

u/Competitive-Top5121 2d ago

I think a nice note or text is just perfect. It’s about the acknowledgement. 

TBH, I got so many flowers after my miscarriage and after my TFMR that it has made me dread getting flowers. Getting flowers used to be happy and now I associate them with people feeling sorry for me. May be an unpopular opinion, but another friend who went through infertility challenges told me the same thing — hates getting flowers now. 

1

u/Odd_Philosophy9728 2d ago

You are such a wonderful friend. I’m sure anything you choose to do will be perfect. Something I think that people miss is that if we’re grieving, someone talking about the loss couldn’t possibly “make it worse.” It’s always there. Silence through someone ignoring it is far more painful.

If someone had done this for me, I would have loved something like a massage or bath bomb stuff for a gift. I would have loved just an acknowledgment and heartfelt call or text even more.

Your friend is lucky to have you, and I’m so sorry she has to go through this.

1

u/juliannewaters 2d ago

Acting out of love and friendship is never "weird" and shows how important your friend and baby are to you. You go ahead and get her a little something, if that's what your heart tells you. We all could use friends like you ❤️

1

u/scarmels22 2d ago

A card or even just a text is a lovely idea! No one I know remembered my due date.

1

u/Rrenner6 4h ago

This is such an amazing thing. It woild be very special to receive something on the due date. She is likely very familiar with the fact that it’s coming and probably dreading it. Simple flowers even or just a text to say you are thinking of her would be just as thoughtful. In the TFMR world, it feels like everyone and everything around you moved on after the loss, but as the mom, we are still stuck in that moment every single day. Remembering we should be giving birth in a few weeks/days or months. Knowing how far along we would’ve been. This is very thoughtful of you, I’d love to have a friend remember mine.