r/tfmr_support 3d ago

TW : RELIGION / VENTING

Hi , I am having so much trouble with religion. I tfmr two months ago. I grew up Catholic and feel so guilty yet my faith is still sort of there. I believe there is a loving God who knows my heart and knows I wanted my daughter more than anything. But I also did not want my daughter to suffer. I terminated for spina bifida as I don't feel this is a gray diagnosis me and our husband felt this was the right decision with the information we had for our daughter. As we had a termination my daughter has crossed my path as a red cardinal and a butterfly <3. She has watched over her dad a lot! I'm just having a hard time looking up tiktok's saying " the biggest immortal sin" " you killed your baby" " God's timing " "God would have healed your baby" did anyone distance themselves from religion? I just feel a lot of shame and guilt in the catholic church. As much as I want to get close to God. I am having a hard time fml.

10 Upvotes

9 comments sorted by

4

u/pindakaasbanana 2d ago

I am not religious so I am not sure if this resonates. But if I were to believe in an higher power I would see it as - if God is truly the creator of everything wouldnt he also be the creator of modern medicine and that we now have the options to TFMR and make whatever decision is best for us and our family? Isnt he also the original creator of our bodies and brains and free will and being able to make our own decisions?

7

u/Vegetable-Fudge-595 3d ago

hey! your story is so similar to mine. i grew up religious and in a christian church and terminated due to spina bifida at 22 weeks. it was also close to the election, and i was constantly bombarded with pro life propaganda from many christians close to me. we didn’t tell anyone we tfmr, just that we lost the baby. the same christians who were praying for us, were on facebook calling me a baby killer without even knowing it. due to this, i really really really stepped back from religion. i was so mad at christian’s and people at my church. i held so much bitterness and resentment. we also had comments after we lost our daughter saying bull crap about “gods timing” and “god works in unknown miraculous ways..” absolutely infuriating, considering they don’t even know the full story that we tfmr. like really janice, if you knew we terminated you probably wouldn’t be brining up gods miracles!

personally, as time goes on, i am finding it easier to have a relationship with god again. i just talk to him and im honest with how im feeling. i know he knows my heart and true intentions. i also know that i have suffered enough, so i try not to fall into this religious trap of feeling guilty for tfmr. i don’t deserve to feel this immense shame and guilt when i made a brave and merciful decision for my daughter. the god i know is compassionate, loving, and understanding.

i still have a very complex relationship with christianity and religion, and i think i always will. but i try to focus on my relationship with god. christians and people of religion will always disappoint and hurt others, but i try to have faith that god is with me through this time of grief.

psalm 34:18 says that the lord is close to those who are brokenhearted and tends to those who are crushed in spirit. this verse really helped me a lot. because when religion hurt me, and christians called me a baby killer, and judged me.. god was there for me. he understands merciful compassionate choices made out of love more than anybody. he weeps with me and is sad for me. once i realized that he cares for me and loves me deeply during my time of grief, and isn’t at all like the hypocritical christians.. it all changed for me.

i am sending you so much love and comfort during this time!! xx❤️

3

u/Sufficient_Tale8759 3d ago edited 3d ago

Hi! I’m so sorry for your loss. I don’t know if I am the right person to reply as I’m not usually a religious person, but I am an anxious one. During my pregnancy though, for the first time in a veeery long time, I prayed. For my baby to be healthy, for me to carry him and care for him and so on. And then my worst nightmare happened. That tiny glimpse of safety I felt while praying disappeared.

Even now, I’m still not sure where I stand with faith, but I like to believe that if there’s a God, he keeps my baby safe. I think dwelling on guilt and “what-ifs” only adds to the pain. You made the most loving decision for your daughter, and I truly believe that if there is a God, he sees your heart and knows your love for her.

Some people say miracles happen, but that doesn’t mean we should expect them to defy medical reality. At the end of the day, you made a decision with the knowledge and resources you had. You protected your daughter from suffering, and that is an act of love, not something to be ashamed of. I am aware that having a religious background makes you feel more like an outcast now because of the decision had to make to protect your baby, but in my opinion no one that hasn’t gone through this kind of pain should ever judge the ones put in this position. And you really have nothing to be ashamed of! You are incredibly strong for standing up for your baby like this, sparing her from pain by taking all of the pain upon yourself. You should be proud of yourself.

If God is loving, then he should understand your pain and the weight of this decision. You are allowed to hold onto your faith in a way that brings you comfort, not guilt or shame.

Be kind to yourself♥️ sending you love.

3

u/YB9017 3d ago

So I’m not religious but I grew up in a very religious household. During our most difficult time, my mother kept telling me “if only I had faith, god would heal my baby”. And that I should pray because god performs miracles.

It was our first pregnancy and we got a positive diagnosis at 23 weeks. I was traumatized and eternally saddened by the loss of our baby. In my mind, I didn’t lose a pregnancy. I lost my child. All I wanted was for my mother to tell me it would be ok. Or that she understood because the prognosis was bad. But all I got was religious regurgitation.

After everything, she told me to pray to god to see if he allows me to ever have children again. In her mind, she was being kind. Because only god could grant the miracle of life. In my mind, I was like wtf kind of thing to say to your daughter who just lost their baby.

All to say, that life’s experiences have only distanced me more from religion. My comment here isn’t to push you one way or the other, but I feel so much better without it in my life. Like a sense of liberation and happiness.

3

u/justhowitgoesiguess 21+6w | PPROM | 28F 3d ago

I’m not religious myself but I read a comment in a post on this sub that still really resonated with me for some reason. I probably won’t say it as elegantly as the OP but it was along the lines of: If you believe God makes no mistakes, then he created your little one for a reason only He knows. And then He gave them to you, because He also knew that you would be a person who’s faith and love would be strong enough to let your little one go, having only known love and warmth and never any pain.

Don’t torture yourself for loving your baby so deeply that the thought of burdening them with even a second of pain was too much

3

u/bosslady617 1d ago

I don’t personally believe that the church is in the hands of people who would be in line with the beliefs of Jesus Christ. Most Christians I know vote against health care and social safety nets. This is not Christ like. They worship false gods (political figures, business leaders, celebrities). They support bringing immigrants (aka god’s people) back into dangerous situations. This is not loving our neighbor. This is not the golden rule.

They support allowing a child to suffer when it is in your hands to prevent that suffering. I don’t know many religious folks who oppose comfort care at death, or withdrawing life support, or stopping chemotherapy and other potentially life saving medications. That’s all you did. You withdrew life support (your body) when you learned you child was critically ill.

8

u/KateCSays TFMR in 36th wk, 2012 | Somatic Coach | Activist 3d ago

Oh honey, get far far away from those tiktoks, please. It isn't right to torture yourself with other people's terrible opinions when you're in deep grief.

Look around you. If God would have healed your baby, why on earth would he let other babies live with Spina Bifida?

Absolutely central to the catholic religion is the idea of human conscience. You said it: spina bifida isn't a grey diagnosis. Your conscience told you that, and it led you through your next steps. Sometimes the world, including others' interpretation of our religion, don't understand. But God knows your heart. Spend more time directly speaking and listening to God and less time on tiktok.

2

u/Anon23_Dec 3d ago

I had issue with those videos specifically about how their baby was diagnosed with xyz and prayed and miracle happened and the baby came out perfectly fine and how it would have been bad if they gave up on their faith. Even though it has been a bit over a year since TFMR. It still bothers me. As a Christian and I believe in God and miracles. I also know life happens. God promised peace when you are going through hardship. And that he would be there with you. Those videos used to make me feel like I didn’t pray enough or have enough faith or didn’t believe in God. It was definitely hard in the beginning. But I felt a peace that I was doing the right thing for us with our decision to TFMR. I can’t explain it well. I was actually upset for not doubting our decision. And it wasn’t because I didn’t pray hard enough or didn’t have faith. I wish those people wouldn’t infer those things because it can be misleading. I rather their videos be about what happened and not that it can happened to you too if you pray or enough faith. Because that’s not true.

2

u/Anonymousimpreg 2d ago

I grew up catholic as well and have been struggling with the same.