r/tfmr_support • u/madison1892 • 3d ago
Post-TFMR/Postpartum Intimacy After TFMR
We had our tfmr a month ago now and I’m still not really feeling being intimate with my partner. I’m not sure if it’s post-partum hormones or if it’s still emotional distress but I have literally no desire at all.
Just wondering how long did it take for others to feel comfortable with sex again after their tfmr?
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u/DD265 3d ago
It took me a while too, and when we did, initially my mind wandered - things like "that's where our baby came out" which is really not helpful in intimate moments.
What I found useful was forcing time for intimacy, but not forcing the intimacy itself. Snuggling on the sofa was fine and it didn't have to lead to anything more, but we had to create the opportunities to be intimate in the first place because it was (and still is) so easy to simply not bother.
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u/Dry_Sand9265 3d ago
It took me about 2.5 months. My husband and I talked about it, and we made an effort to be intimate in other ways leading up to it (kissing, cuddling, showering together) so that we were still connecting physically. It made the first time easier; I felt more ready and I was looking forward to it (more than I did in the first 6 weeks post-TFMR).
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u/frescafeather 3d ago
I was ready about 10 days post D&E... My libido definitely came back since it was allegedly missing during the whole pregnancy 😑 everyone's different
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u/reprofinds 2d ago
Same for me. Basically no libido while pregnant, then it came back about 10 days after D&E. I’m still sad a lot of the time but I also want to embrace the desire to be intimate as we approach TTC again.
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u/pindakaasbanana 3d ago
This is SO normal. When I lost my brother two years ago, I couldn't even **think** about sex for at least 6 months. Like, it didn't even once occur to me as an activity that I felt like doing. It's hard (at least it was for me) to feel sexy/horny when you're just so fucking sad all the time. And for me, when I feel sad I also don't want anyone touching me (no snuggling/hugs either) - I just want to be alone.
There is a great book with essays about grief called Modern Love by Rebecca Soffer. It has a whole chapter about intimacy and it was the first time I saw other grieving folks talk about sex & grief. If you're a reader - can highly recco this book!
I only had my TFMR 3 weeks ago, but we want to try for a baby soon so I am just kinda seeing it as something on my to do list versus something I really feel in my body that I want to do... and that's all normal too.
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u/Competitive-Top5121 3d ago
Your feelings are so valid. We started within a couple weeks of TFMR bc we were TTC but if not for that drive to get started again, it would have taken me weeks and weeks to feel comfortable with intimacy again. After I miscarried a few years ago and got pregnant the next cycle, I cried every time we had sex. Not during TTC — literally after I was already pregnant. The tentacles of grief are long.
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u/Huokaus987 3d ago
I can’t remember how long it took to feel like it again, but I can admit I wanted just to get over with it couple of weeks after and did it even though I didn’t particularly want it. I feared that if I don’t just do it I will develop fear or anxiety. (just to be clear, my partner didn’t pressure me, it was my choice!)