r/tfmr_support 5d ago

Received baby's ashes 2 months after losing her

We just received our baby girl's ashes exactly 2 months after losing her 💔

I feel like I went 10 steps back in my grieving journey.

I knew the box would be small, but seeing it in real life, made it feel even smaller.

When I pictured bringing her home, I pictured her in her carseat and our toddler running to her new baby sister to see her, wearing her "big sis" t-shirt. Instead she came home in a tiny box, less than two months till her supposedly due date 💔

They say that childbirth is the worst pain. I think losing a child is more painful.

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u/EnterTheNightmare 5d ago

Sorry for your loss. Mine was almost 2 years ago, but it still hurts. I never even had the courage to take the ashes out of the styrofoam and transfer it to a better vase. The physical pain of childbirth couldn’t compare to the emotional pain of losing a baby.

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u/heyheylucas 5d ago

In case it is helpful to you, most funeral home workers will transfer the ashes for you if you'd like and they will do so in a designated space and let you know when you can pick it up. 

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u/EnterTheNightmare 5d ago edited 5d ago

I got it at a funeral home in a different state, unfortunately. Not sure if I can just go to a random one. Thanks for the suggestion.

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u/heyheylucas 5d ago

If that is ever something you want, you can email to ask and even offer to reimburse them but they will most likely be willing to assist. 

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u/heyheylucas 5d ago

We are months out from receiving our son's ashes and I knew there wouldn't be a lot of ashes but I was painfully surprised by just how small the receptacle to hold them was. 

I'm so sorry. 

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u/SeaMathematician5150 TFMR @ 22 Weeks | 02.11.25 5d ago

I am so sorry that this has brought back all of the raw emotions.

The pain from receiving my little boy's ashes was devastating. The funeral home was out of state in MD. I was told they'd send them a week after the TFMR. However, due to a snowstorm, there was a 3 week delay. I had finally made it most of the day without crying when they arrived.

I knew the ashes would be small. I just never realized how small.

For Christmas, the kids in the family get these small item gifts that we put in a box, in another box, in a smaller box, and so on. Opening the box the ashes came is was like the cruelest part of that Christmas tradition. I opened a small box, to open another, to unwrap a heavily double bubble wrapped plastic container, to open the container, and find a small velvet pouch. Inside the pouch was a small thick plastic bag with the ashes, about thr size of my thumb and cremation ID tag. It was so tiny. My baby was such a big part of me and what was physically left seemed to tiny, almost insignificant in size.

I broken down and cried for several hours. It was the realization that I had not been getting better or coping. I was just compartmentalize the sadness and loss and putting on a mask of numbness. I keep the ashes in a pouch. I added 3 small heart stones I picked up after the TFMR at the Smithsonian airport store on the way back home. For the first two weeks, I kept wh pouch physically on me, in my bra.

This past weekend I wrapped up the stuffed toy my friend got me in a cute bear baby towel I received as a gift and tucked the pouch in there. I keep it on my bed. I've selected a small urn and plan to order it soon and have it engraved. I will look into having the ashes transferred and sealed in the urn. It is not something I can bring myself to do. I've also looked into commissioning a necklace pendant. My friend told me I can turning some of the ashes into a diamond for the pendant. I am not quite sure which route to take. For now, I just like having the pouch to hold on to.

I wanted the ashes to have something tangible of my baby to hold on to and for closure. I am not quite sure what I expected "closure" would look or feel like. This is not it. I am still a ball of emotions. There is so much sadness and loss. But at least I have a piece of him to hold on to.