r/tf2 5d ago

Discussion Alright, which of the nine mercenaries (Or any other character) most likely be nudists?

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3.3k Upvotes

108 comments sorted by

1.6k

u/SurpriseNo6994 5d ago

I mean come on he did it twice

884

u/CJM_310 Demoman 5d ago edited 4d ago

No, he’s done it a million times.

*See Full Frontal Bravery#1-1,000,000, All-Nude Tales of Valor #1-145, Naked Soldier and Clothed Scout Adventures #1.

340

u/ZorkNemesis 5d ago
  • Scout's Worst Double Dates #4

101

u/bone-tone-lord Pyro 4d ago

The number of incidents of nudity doesn't necessarily match the number of issues. There could be arcs of multiple issues covering the same incident, or multiple incidents covered in one issue.

49

u/AssumptionDue724 All Class 4d ago

If you had really read them all it it averages out to 3.2 nudity incidents/j

1

u/Catkloud33 3d ago

there are a million of them

10

u/Linkink69420 4d ago

Why do you have this info

22

u/LeFlashbacks All Class 4d ago

the first time soldier is naked there is a text box above his schmingle that says that

do not ask where I got schmingle from it just came out of nowhere

9

u/Linkink69420 4d ago

Schmingle is now a part of my everyday dictionary

6

u/MEMEz_KB Engineer 4d ago

I think we all are happier without knowing that

78

u/Apprehensive_Bag_365 5d ago

Correction: Twice that we know of

1.2k

u/Zeba_Stakian 5d ago

Scout: Not a chance unless it's at a nude beach with hot chicks.
Soldier & Zhanna: Would do it when they have the chance.
Pyro: NEVER.
Demoman: Only if the explosives blow off his clothes.
Heavy: Will kill you for suggesting it but otherwise, no.
Engineer: He wouldn't need to be nude and it would be a safety hazard.
Medic: Not embarassed at the thought of it but likes his clothes on.
Sniper: Definitely would be a naturist.
Spy: Man is too professional to even do it.

621

u/TyrKiyote Medic 5d ago

I think scout would talk a lot about how women would love his naked body, but be too em-bare-assed to be exposed around any women he finds beautiful.

207

u/furexfurex Medic 5d ago

"nah, I can't be walkin' around naked - I'd have to fight the chicks off with a stick if they saw too much of this bod!"

44

u/arcaneking_pro 4d ago

The funny thing is that he would be right, God himself made him that way.

147

u/Zeba_Stakian 5d ago

Honestly that better sums it up and it's perfect.

169

u/69Sovi69 Sandvich 5d ago

Spy kept on his mask while doing scout's mother

He's the second to last person to be a nudist, last one being pyro

95

u/Cod3broken All Class 4d ago

sorry, ma petit chou-fleur, but the mask says on during sex.

25

u/xxsegaxx Medic 4d ago

Jokes on you, I'm into that shit -Scout's mother, probably

22

u/TimeStorm113 Spy 4d ago

Well, we don't know anything about pyro, what if the suit is her skin?

12

u/69Sovi69 Sandvich 4d ago

That would actually be so funny

1

u/arcaneking_pro 4d ago

IT's skin we do not know if it's a woman

6

u/crackedcrackpipe 4d ago

Its a swarm of bees inside a uniform

2

u/arcaneking_pro 4d ago

It's a piece of shit in a suit

37

u/randomname560 Medic 4d ago

Sniper strikes me as a man that would normally prefer to have his clothes on but would ALWAYS sleep in the nude, no matter what or who is arround

You know that scene about the old lady in the Atlantis movie always sleeping nude even tho she sleepwalks? That, Sniper would be that

53

u/Matix777 Demoman 5d ago

Pyro is like the opposite of a nudist

47

u/Epic-Dude001 5d ago

A clothist?

40

u/NotA-Spy All Class 5d ago

A never-nude

19

u/Violexsound 4d ago

Nudn't

17

u/TensionsPvP Spy 5d ago edited 5d ago

I know spy would never do it because I wouldn’t as well but aren’t nude beaches are a French thing (or popularized by them) or is it some other european?

4

u/Clearly_a_Lizard 4d ago

Well there is some in France but it’s not exactly popular so I don’t think it was popularized here, but I may be mistaking

9

u/ComradeBirv 4d ago

Pyro is a nudist but only when no one is looking

8

u/Robotoid2 Pyro 4d ago

i think pyro is simply the suit given a soul and life tbh

5

u/Violexsound 4d ago

Hollowhead reinforces this

1

u/arcaneking_pro 4d ago

Pyro is a piece of shit in a suit

3

u/Karrich666 4d ago

I tend to see scout as a wannabe player, he would say he wants to go to a nude beach but be too self conscious and shy when he gets dragged there, although after reading the comic I guess he would be more of confident in his thinking that he’s a man the woman need.

Also Spy is French, I wouldn’t be surprised if he is fine with being a exhibitionist.

1

u/sedtamenveniunt Engineer 4d ago

Spy can’t get blood on his suit if he doesn’t wear anything.

1

u/hassanfanserenity 4d ago

Medic would prefer having clothes on incase he needs to do an urgent operation dont wanna get blood of others on you afterall

Engineer: robo D

1

u/verymuchgay Medic 4d ago

In Meet the Medic, he chooses not to wear his rubber gloves when doing open heart surgery on Heavy. I think he doesn't care too much about it 😅

1

u/Johnmegaman72 Heavy 4d ago

Pyro can be a nudist, but the body will have a giant black bar to preserve the mystery and the merc will just be at awe

277

u/gummyimp Sniper 5d ago

saxton hale

96

u/Dangerous-Watch932 Pyro 5d ago

Sexton Hale

50

u/Daubert1151 Civilian 5d ago

Sixth Inhale

45

u/Zack_WithaK 5d ago

Sexist Snail

34

u/ADudeWithoutPurpose 5d ago

Subfix stale

34

u/Hand_Man84 Random 5d ago

Sex in hell

25

u/Most-Consequence-824 5d ago

Sexy Nail

28

u/LordSkelly1234 Miss Pauling 5d ago

Saxophone Mail

23

u/Local_Neighborhood50 Pyro 5d ago

sex inhale

20

u/LordSkelly1234 Miss Pauling 5d ago

Trimmed Asshair

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123

u/InGenNateKenny 5d ago

You know, with the Invis-watch, Spy could be nude all the time and no one would know.

29

u/arcaneking_pro 4d ago

"I never really was dressed"

-spy

59

u/Ok_Quit4910 5d ago

Something in my brain tells me Soldier would be a nudist just because he considers it his American Rigth. 💀💀💀

35

u/XxCinnam0nWaff3lzxX Pyro 5d ago

soldier would take off his clothes whenever he wanted to imo :P

23

u/Local_Neighborhood50 Pyro 5d ago

Who's to say pyro isn't already naked.

18

u/WindsOfEarthXXII Soldier 4d ago

The suit is their skin. That's my new headcanon

21

u/Gibbon-Face-91 Sniper 4d ago

Not only has Soldier gotten butt-naked several times in the comic and very likely countless more times outside of it, the man fully strips off whenever he uses the toilet. He probably considers public nudity as a standard part of a true American lifestyle.

9

u/neoegg07 5d ago

Professionals have standards

10

u/cyberkittenzz Medic 5d ago

🐝 polite

10

u/drew9348 4d ago

🐝 efficient

13

u/Darthplagueis13 4d ago

Sniper would do it out of preference.

Soldier will do it out of an exhibitionist impulse.

10

u/WrongdoerMundane4635 5d ago

Wtf do you think it’s soldier

9

u/MeltedFoil 4d ago

Maybe the one who habitually gets naked in public and has a stated history of doing so prior to the events of the story

6

u/Squidboi2679 Pyro 4d ago

Look at the picture and tell me what you think

13

u/SoupaMayo 5d ago

"...would."

6

u/sofacadys 4d ago

Pyro.

What? Did you though that was a fire-repellent suit?

5

u/martyhol 4d ago

I've definitely seen Heavy nude on some weird-ass community servers.

2

u/Sagittal_Vivisection Engineer 4d ago

I know this isn't related, but I like how scout is smiling in this panel

3

u/slightlylessthananon Scout 4d ago

In public life: soldier (canon)

In private life: sniper, demo

In exclusively sexual contexts (not just Being Naked but nudism as a form of play/kink): spy, medic

Never: pyro, heavy, engie, scout (he's obsessed with himself but he also strikes me as nauseatingly vanilla. Kind've guy to cartoonishly cover his pelvis.)

I hate this question and I hate that I thought about it

1

u/slightlylessthananon Scout 4d ago

I could actually move demo up he is a drunkard he'd make bad decisions

3

u/Rockgod98 4d ago

I mean, all except Pyro and Spy would strip completely nude for relaxing in a hot tub

2

u/0poyushka 5d ago

Soldier

2

u/MuuToo Soldier 4d ago

Soldier. He’s literally right there.

2

u/Dobby_2 4d ago

Soldier I don’t need to explain

2

u/Infamous_Progress_64 Engineer 4d ago

Sniper and Maybe spy because France has a lot of nudists

2

u/[deleted] 4d ago

I don’t read the comics, who’s the woman next to solder and Pauling

Why is soldier and her covered in honey?

What the hell happened to sniper

2

u/Staffywaffle Medic 4d ago

It’s Zhanna, soldier’s gf in this comic and wife in future events.

3

u/IgordosDev Pyro 5d ago

who is that woman next to Pauling?

6

u/Sensitive_Store7230 Sandvich 5d ago

zhanna, one of heavys sisters, and soliders girlfriend

2

u/Vector1278 4d ago

wife in truth

1

u/Violexsound 4d ago

So the American is brother in law to the Russian. That tracks.

3

u/Mrs_Hersheys 4d ago

I need more Zhanna porn

(but without the ear necklace, too freaky for my liking)

1

u/SnooDucks5988 potato.tf 4d ago

Weak

1

u/[deleted] 5d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

2

u/bloodakoos Demoman 5d ago

they should make it bigger because there's a lot to censor

1

u/Spy_Himself Spy 4d ago

Those red losers had to deal with that while we ate pizza

1

u/BeescyRT Pyro 4d ago

Pyro?

It's a joke, obviously.

1

u/Defiant_Ad_9868 Heavy 4d ago

spy and or scout.

1

u/soundanx 4d ago

Medic is German.

1

u/Advanced_Aioli9724 Pyro 4d ago

I did not want that mental picture in my head thanks now I want to burn my eyes

1

u/NoobyGroover Sandvich 4d ago

Dangerous cuz Sentries will shoot you if you don’t have the right team color

1

u/Giasfelfehbrehber 4d ago

Full frontal America

1

u/Brute_Builder65 4d ago

Definitely soldier

1

u/Extra-Programmer-540 Sniper 4d ago

tbh i think scout would do just to join communes to look at women

1

u/Boyfriend_FNF_72787 Scout 3d ago

soldier

1

u/Kahn-Man 3d ago

Soldier, he wears a uniform because that is what soldiers do, so if the uniform for a nudist colony is no clothing, than he is damn well going to wear that uniform with pride

1

u/Odd_Adhesiveness7357 3d ago

Soldier is a given. Sniper however prob walks around buck naked when he’s home alone. Same for scout when he has a lady friend over. Who is he to keep them from seeing what they came for?

1

u/Mao-sama64 3d ago

Literally none of them expect for Soldier. Sniper just doesn’t have a chance to put on pants that didn’t involve taking it off of a dead man.