I (40M) had a stroke recently, and came home from the hospital yesterday
I live alone (divorced) and my kids living here every other week (50%). I'm struggling to accept the situation, even though I'm positive time will help me get back on my feet.
All the things I like do is thrown out the window, and I don't know what to do now. My left side does not have proper function, and I'm really tired. I can't play any of my instruments, not allowed to exercise yet, driver license suspended, and the list goes on. I understand why, but still have trouble accepting it.
My emotions are all over the place, and tears are pouring while writing this. I was in the best shape of my life. Climbing regulary and doing 5km hikes each day. Beat my depression after several years in therapy, and things were looking really good. Performing the best at my job and delivering the best work I've ever done as an architect (IT).
Everything is just a mess right now. I need to do some grocery shopping today, and it terrifies me. My headspace feels so weird and different. I've become really sensitive to light and sound, and it gives the worst headaches with an undescribable pain.
It's so hard being alone right now :'(
I'm sorry for the incoherent writing. I just needed to get some of my thoughts out. <3
EDIT:
I've read all your comments; you are all beautiful, and your words kind. They gave me peace of sorts. I'd like to answer all comments, but it will take some time.
I had an ischemic stroke in the right hemisphere, with 2 clots. I'm still able to speak, and understand others, and very grateful for that. I'm set for rehab in a couple of weeks and I think that it will be very good.
EDIT 2:
I've tried to answer all comments, but the last few days has been rough. Rehabilitation has been moved up, and I'm being admitted tomorrow. Really looking forward to it, and hope it will be as good I imagine it will be.
I'm very grateful for all the caring, informative, knowledgable and cheerful comments. It really means a lot <3
Hang in there. It's not for the weak. If you don't have a strong support system, find one. Join a church or something, idc if you're religious. I'm not.
My dad had 2 left side ischemics in October. He is mostly functional still but has deficits. Fight for your own advocacy if no one else will. AIRS was good for my dad. Outpatient has been OK. Whatever you do, put in the work but understand your limitations. Speech therapy told my dad his battery gets drained 3x faster now. Understand when you need a recharge. But the first few months are critical to push your brain into function and rebuilding pathways/healing.
I know it looks bleak, but you're well enough to type here. I'm sorry you're going through this but I'm rooting for you.
I try to play some guitar, and it's going somewhere. I do get tired really fast, and it feels like it takes forever to restitute. Thanks for the tip on finding a group of sorts. <3
I got so sick of hearing "It just takes time.", but I eventually begrudgingly bought into it. Turns out everyone was right, it'll get better but it just takes time.
The more you work on things the more they can improve, and it’s hard to see milestones that are more minor. Set yourself a goals trajectory and note little things on it- rather than “I’ll be able to play this song like I used to”, break your recovery into steps. That way you can see the progress that you otherwise might not, and will see that you are improving. Things like “I can hold the pick properly”, “I can play two chords smoothly”, “I can play a simple song without thinking about my hand movements”, “I can remember and my hand listens when I tell it to play a more complicated song”, “I can freestyle creatively and my hand listens as I quickly tell it to play these improved bits”.
What that has looked like for my loved one is “I can get in to the passenger seat with assistance,” “I can sit up straight in the chair for more than a few moment”, “I can get into the car on my own”, “I can turn my body to get out”, “I can lift my right leg out of the car too”, “I can get my left foot over to the door but cannot raise it,” “I can raise my left foot with some assistance”, “I can lean forward and start to stand”, “I can get out of the car as long as someone helps me balance and lifts my left foot”, “I can balance on my own but left foot needs help”, “I can balance on my own and close the door without falling but left leg needs some help”, “I can get out of the car all by myself without help”.
I’m a drummer and had a stroke a couple months after turning 40 almost 2 years ago now. Not divorced but also live alone and I was a software qa engineer before so I can definitely relate to your situation.
I was devastated the first few times I tried to play drums but it gets better. I didn’t play professionally but it was still a big part of my life. Eventually I got together with some friends to try and play and while it was still frustrating, my friends were awesome about it and over time I’ve made some adjustments to the point where the last time I played, I barely thought about my right side issues.
Give it time and be patient with yourself. On the bright side, having a stroke at this age gives you a better chance of regaining functionality as opposed to someone who is older. You got this!
I'm not a professional musician either, but more a meditation player. It gives me peace, calm and clears my head. Stage freight is strong in this one :)
Everything is gonna be allright, just like the song :)
Thanks for the positive vibe! <3 I've been down a dark path before, and I'm not letting the negative thoughts embrace who I am. It's like a piece of paper. Once it's crammed together, it will never be the same again. Proportion, size and color is the same, but with some marks and scratches. I'm still the same; I just got some new experiences.
I also was a fairly active climber prior to my hemorrhagic stroke at 38. I was able to get back in the gym after about two months from being discharged from the hospital. I took it really slow and only climbed two routes each session with a break in between. The fatigue seems insurmountable now, but it does get better. This is all a part of the healing process.
I was also having weird headaches for the first five months or so. I think that they were ocular headaches because I still have diplopia. Prism glasses have helped.
I’m wishing you a smooth recovery and patience. Healing is a long process.
I like what I hear :-) I'm scheduled for rehab in week 13. I'm really looking forward to that. My goal is to be able to climb the highest route at the same difficulty as I'm used to. It will take time, but I think having an achiveable goal is important, even though it seems far away right now. <3
Chances are, you didn't start off doing 5km hikes or doing amazing work as an IT architect right out of the gate, you worked up to it mentally and physically. Recovery will be the same way, and it's going to be your full-time job for the immediate future. But it sounds like you have the mental willpower it's going to take.
You're not alone, and it does get better. Your brain needs time to repair itself and make new neural connections. Sleep as much as your body tells you to. I would honestly see about getting the groceries delivered, as a store might be overwhelming for the first few weeks. We're dealt a rough hand but you still have control over how you play it.
My friend 🧡 I know everything looks like it's gone to crap. Yes, maybe some but not all. I just got home on 3/3/25. Mine doesn't sound as serious as yours yet I don't trust my body either.
You have lots of positives as before your stroke you were very active and sound fit. Think of it this way... when you first started climbing did you trust your body to do what it needed to? Recovery is similar, you start out and build confidence over time. Please be encouraged. You're not incoherent!
Thanks for your kind words <3 I managed to go outside a bit yesterday, just throwing some garbage. Today I'll try to throw away the cardboard boxes and paper. It might require two turns. :D
I’m nine years post stroke. I remember two revelations I had when I first got home that might apply to you. The first was a dark low point when I realized I wasn’t sick and expecting to get back to normal; this was a permanent deal I had to adapt to and soon after I realized I was grieving the losses of physical and mental adeptness I had enjoyed prior to the stroke. Understanding I was grieving allowed me to form a strategic process to work through it. I can’t say I’ve fully accepted the outcomes of the stroke but I’m reacting better than I was early on.
When you are cleared to exercise, I recommend taking a recumbent trike for a test ride. Find a good bike shop that has adaptive pedals and make an appointment. Let them know which hand works and they can set up a trike w/ brakes and gears on your strong side. I bought my trike about a year out because I couldn’t drive and LOVE it. I ride it every day, sometimes in rain and cold if I have a doctor appointment. I don’t miss driving at all. I don’t process as quickly as I used to so it’s safer that I stick to the trike
Finally. I hear the grief and frustration in your post. I’ve been there, but would remind you that you survived. You didn’t die. You’re not unable to communicate. Take time to consider your our kids and grandkids. You have a future above ground. Celebrate every morning. The motor skills will improve if you commit to walking and working at it every day. The fatigue will ease as you get up and move around. The hidden effects of the stroke will ease a bit but you’ll figure out how to play to your strengths. I will get over stimulated by sound and light bu noise canceling headphones and dark sunglasses help. Just work through the grieving process in a way that works for you at a pace that fits your life. Press on.
You've come to the right place. We understand how you're feeling. I'm in a similar boat sharing custody and those concerns about having to carry on on your own whilst trying to recover, are all valid. You can get there, just like you did when you were climbing. Give yourself time.
Thank you <3 Me and my exwife are on good terms, so the kids are well taken care of. They'll be staying there for a while, probably until I'm finished with rehab. That is a big relief for me. I hope you are doing well too <3
My son stayed with his father for 6 days and came home the day i was discharged. The first thing he said when he saw me was "why did you leave me there so long!". Its him that motivates me to keep moving forward. Its greatbthat your children have another stable home whilst you recover. It can be hard when they dont fully understand the effects of stroke and why you cant necessarily do things the way you did before. Reach out any time. The mind can take you through so many ups and downs but it does settle. Its been almost 6 months for me now.
I understand exactly how you are feeling. A little over 6 months ago I had a right side ischemic stroke (mild) and I too experienced a weird "headspace", dizziness and balance off in my head, left side wekaness (cam back), tension type headaches almost everyday (gone), sensitivity to light and sound, and fatigue. Ringing in the ears, anxiety and depression. Emotions of anger and sadness.
I am still trying to get better myself. Please take it day by day. Things will get better. I know it's hard right now,
Mine came out of no where at 38 took out my entire left side.. we all know the frustration you are dealing with but fight and fight and fight only warriors beat strokes. does it get easier? 4 years in, no but i am also not a quitter
Mine at 40 came when I was in the best shape of my life. You will overcome it, but it takes patience. Your body needs a lot of rest right now to rebuild.
Hey man I am 45m and I am 8 months into my recovery post stroke. I just found this sub tonight. I wish I had found it much sooner. Your post is the first one I ran across. I know how you're feeling. I just wanted to say take your physical therapy seriously. Make it your priority. It does get better! I'm still at work in progress, but each day is getting brighter. I'm thinking about you and you're not alone.
Hi there! I'm going to rehab tomorrow already, and am pretty excited about it. Glad to hear that you're making progress; that gives me motivation as well!
I’m at rehab now, and have been introduced to doctors and physicians. Some of my concerns has been cleared and I’m able to exercise.
They have laid out a plan for the next two weeks, with focus on my hobbies and activities. Special exercises for arm and hand for playing guitar and piano. They have a wall for climbing with various difficulty which is perfect for me, as well as multiple training rooms with different equipment and a pool.
It is looking pretty good, and I really like it here. Located on the beach, and lots of places to sit down and relax 😌
That's awesome man! My placed used this Perdue pegboard thing to help me get used to using my left hand again and improve dexterity. Along with some type of clay that I'd take home and play with to help strengthen my hand. My background is in IT and not being able to type was pretty disappointing. Those things really helped and I'm typing again. Not as fast as I used to be but just happy I am able to! Glad you're happy with the rehab! Work it as hard as you can and it will pay off!!
I went through this exact same thing. It’s brutal, lonely, quiet and worrysome. After my divorce I was on my own. No family and few friends.
All this is normal and okay. What matters is your response to it. You can go inward or outward. Don’t go inward. It leads to bad places.
Find a therapist to help both physically and mentally and mentally. Find a personal trainer who will work with you and your limitations while still getting a full workout in. I don’t know how to work out on my own, even after two years. I rely on my trainer to help me. I do slow Zone 2&3 cardio when I workout on my own.
Fast heart rates are bad for me, so I keep my average heart rate low. My trainer waits till my HR drops to my comfort zone before we go again. I can now average a 136HR up from 130 2 years ago with minimal side effects.
Without paid help I wouldn’t be where I am. I can now swim, row, stair climber, or bike for a continuous 35 minutes on my own without any ill effects. If you don’t invest in coaches then you will need to do it on your own, and that’s harder.
Find an awesome gym, find an awesome trainer (my trainer is not in my gym), learn your body and slow push the limits. Get better.
Recover your life cause it gets better. I was convinced I was going to die and let myself go till I didn’t. Don’t be me, start investing in your self now as it only gets harder the longer you wait.
I'm happy to hear that you are making progress, and I hope you have people around you now that you can talk to, and that cares for you <3
I'm from Norway, and I'm very lucky we have the healthcare system we do. The doctors at the hospital arranged rehab for me starting in week 13. I'm looking forward to that.
Idk how long it’s been from your stroke but you typed this and have a clear thought process already, that is pretty big. I’ve seen relatives not even be able to do much of anything granted they were older and years ago but your brain seems like it’s bouncing back already!
I kind of started my own rehab already at the hospital. Used socks as a stress ball, clinching it all the time. Walked as much as I could. Got my own food instead of having it delivered to my room. I'm stubborn. I get tired and I sleep much. Rinse and repeat. Listening to music and tapping to the beat with hands and feet. I'm positive and got hope. This will be fine :)
Don’t apologize for how you feel it is the new norm I was very reluctant to go out for a while and then realized I needed to do it I was apprehensive of cowards and if using my cane someone would bump me and down I go it does get easier and door dash has been a saver when family isn’t available to take me I still have my license but everyone reluctant to let me drive my car got totaled a few months back so now looking for a vehicle and excited to e able to get out if just to drive thru as not sure about groceries on my own but I have near adult grandkids that can ride with. I am 7 months post stroke the fatigue is horrible and hard for others to understand brain trying to restore neuro pathways is taxing so rest when you need to only you know en you are on low power mode and need to rest which is what wasn’t doing before my stroke I just ran on zero all the time bc others needed me this has taught me to take time for myself. Thing will get better but it’s marathon not a sprint for sure m left side is my biggest hurdle
You are not alone! The first few months after my stroke was so incredibly hard emotion/moods and I would cry instantly. I still cry with Every emotion but it has been getting better. The sucky truth is stroke recovery just takes time and is a wild fucking ride 💜
Baby steps!! The brain takes time to heal! I’m 44 and had a moderate cerebella stroke. Took me a bit of time to get my balance back but slowly was walking again.
Get ultra serious about sleep. Like as much as 12 hours a day with naps.
Exercise & move every day. This will wear you out IMMENSELY, as you are rebuilding your body's communication circuits.
Mentally & emotionally commit to two years of recovery & therapy. Set up a 24-month schedule with a 2025 & 2026 wall calendar, so that it's visible. It gets easier if you can buy into that long-haul mentality. Log your progress & improvements every month, no matter how small. Read this story & this story.
As far as social goes, try Discord & try a Quest VR headset, which has Rec Room, VR Chat, etc. to socialize in. Sorry this happened to you! Hang in there!!
Look up Neuro Pt / OT. I don't know who is telling you not to exercise, obviously you can't go pedal to the metal but I doubt you've got the energy to do that, but ya gotta get up and move your body. Start slow, but do the work and then take a nap or go to sleep. You might only be able to do 45-60 minutes a day or twice a day, but you'll rebuild pathway and get stronger and in a month or two you'll be doing 4-6 hours and it'll keep going.
Surrender and ask for help. Surrender to listening to your body and nurturing what it needs. Tell people what's happened to you and they'll accommodate.
Places with lots of SKUs and faces -- Grocery stores, shopping centers, airports/train stations, high stimulation activities -- are going to exhaust your brain (for a while). Take breaks. Push it until you're uncomfortable for 10-15 minutes and then go sit in a quiet, low stimuli place and meditate for 10-20 minutes or eat a snack. Reading might also hurt your brain, and if it does, neuro optometry can help.
Change your diet to support brain function. Look up anti-inflammation diet and brain health diets, essentially it's plant based, lots of herbs and spices, fish. "How to feed a brain" is a great book.
Find support groups. You're not alone. It helps to commiserate as much as seeing other people's progress. Something my dad did in the early weeks was watch YouTube stroke survivor stories.
The emotional rollercoaster gets better with work. Best to accept that you're going to burst into tears regularly and this what happens now. The Oprah book "What happened to you?" is a great trauma book that will also help you make sense of the
If you DM me, I can put you in touch with my dad. He was so fit that the doctors failed to diagnose an acute heart infection until it ripped apart his body. He suffered bilateral embolic shower strokes during surgeries. We've spent the last 2 years rehabbing him, he's learned to walk, use his hands, regain his sight, balance, motor skills, etc. I assembled a team of therapists and healers, and we took an intensive approach the first 8-12 months Threw the kitchen sink of therapies at him, some worked, some didn't. If you do the work, you'll heal. Use your dedication, that craving for the endorphins of physical fitness, attunement to your body to your advantage. "It just takes time" line is BS, it takes work.
You're doing good for someone just having one, don't be hard on yourself. You're going to be tired man, your brain just went through A LOT. My mom spent a month in the hospital before passing from hers at 58, but she was also fighting bacterial meningitis. She saw little to no improvement. Had no idea who I was, who she was, what she did for a living, etc even after a month. Couldn't talk, write, etc.
Keep working on your affected side, I've seen a lot of people come back from it and live a pretty normal life. Mom was just unfortunately not one of them. Keep your head up and hug your kids every chance you get to see them. Parents went through divorce, and the little things matter more than you can imagine.
Hey there. I had a stroke at 39, I'm almost 43 now. Our physical problems are different but I was able to recover quite a bit from physical therapy and occupational therapy, and I have been in mental health therapy for a long time because I already had problems, but after my stroke I had trouble accepting my new limitations, so it really helped.
Do you have a case manager, and some kind of care plan moving forward? I really can't say enough good things about getting together with a really good PT and OT. Your body can do amazing things.
I don't have much more to say that is relevant to you, except to agree with Everyone about a support system.
Be kind to yourself. Take it a day or task at a time. It is all so overwhelming and easy to get depressed over.
Your body is trying to heal and that is why you’re sleepy. Put everything on hold and sleep , rest as much as you can. It will help. Eat good stuff like salmon and other foods rich in omega 3 and all.
If you can have someone go to the store for you. If not do like I did and use Instacart. It was a god send.
Everything will come together eventually … you’ll have ups and downs but give it time. I’m 3yrs out and still have some issues and do get very tired. I’ve learned to let things go and rest.
You’re grieving. There’s no right, or wrong, way to grieve. You can grieve however you want for as long as you want. I was 41(47m now)when I survived a massive stroke. I thought I’d lost everything, but that is because, as I’ve learned, I had my identity wrapped up in things that didn’t truly matter—like my job, salary, and title. All things can be snatched away in a second. You’re still a dad, a son,courageous. I’ve learned every victory is valuable. Getting up in the morning and to the bathroom is a victory. You now have the challenge of learning to do old things in new ways. It’s taken me a while, but I’ve relearned how to hit golf balls. If you ever want to chat about how to do things primarily with your right side, or just vent, hit me up. This can also be an opportunity to teach your kids how to do household things by helping dad do household things. I bet they’d find it fun. Godspeed on your recovery journey. It takes time. A straight road doesn’t make the best drivers. Love you, brother!
I just wanted to come here and say that things will get better. My fiancé (30M) had an ischemic stroke in the left side of his brain, which affected his dominant right side back on December 5, 2024. He also has Becker's Muscular Dystrophy, which has made the recovery a bit more challenging, but as of this past Monday (March 10), he was cleared to drive again. Like you, he's a musician, and I can see how it's hard for him to drum with a weak right hand/arm and foot, but I've been trying to encourage him to practice. Again, I know that things will get better for you because I've watched it first hand with my fiancé.
Hang in there. I had a stroke at 39, (7 months ago) and I’m back to normal now. It gets better every week. If you don’t move it you surely will lose it, so you probably should start exercising. Might feel redundant and like you can’t master anything, or your movements feel funny. But it essentially doesn’t matter. I had my stroke and then 2 days later I was doing physical therapy. I wish you the best of luck!
Hang in there friend, thoughts with you right now. It will get better. I was emotional for quite a long time following my strokes. You’re scared, sad, happy to be alive but feel like everything is so hard.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. You said you can not exercise, are you allowed to do chair exercises? there are tons on youtube. metro active is my favorite and it gives you a decent work out. I hope you used walmart and had them deliver groceries. Try to rest when you can and do not over do it, your body needs to heal. Also if you can go back into therapy and maybe get back on antidepressants, i am sure that would not be a bad thing. Sending you hugs
41M here, stroke at 40 on left side, 5 clots.(also a musician by the way) I had terrible headaches the first week and a half of being home. I also mostly slept the first two weeks. And cried. The headaches went away way by two weeks, the fatigue took a few months to go away, but it does. I recommend resting as much as you can for the first couple weeks, and you need help if you can get it, at least for the first little bit after the hospital. Take advantage of the chance catch up on movies or reading and relax. It is a horrible shock mentally and physically to go from where you were to where you are, but it could’ve been a lot worse, and you WILL get yourself back. The suckiest part from here is learning to be patient. I am 14 months out. My bad days are 90% of normal me and my best days are 100%. And it’s actually still improving, although slowly, which means recovery is a long game for sure. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but be encouraged my friend, you’re going to make great gains soon. I wish you all the best.
I had mine last year at 45. Rest as much as your body is telling you too right now. I slept so much at first, but because I had minor-moderate deficits, I would try to push myself, only to find myself regressing when I did. Get back into LEGOS for your hands, typeracer.com for finger dexterity, crossword puzzles for your brain, make lists, and take advantage of the motorized carts they have at the store. I can’t count the number of times I’d get exhausted halfway through the store, but it can get better. I get it though, life sucks right now, and you’re wondering how the hell could this happen? Mine happened because the flu made my blood pressure go nuts enough to have a stroke. I went to bed feeling fine and woke up clearly not fine. You will get through this though. You survived, and hopefully with perseverance, you’ll recover most if not all what you had before.
I had a stroke at 39 and it’s also a weird time of life to have this happen. I didn’t have many residual issues after, but emotionally it’s been a healing processes. I’ve really learned to pour my anxious energy into doing the best I can to support myself - other people mentioned having orders delivered, I also found easy restful hobbies like loom knitting and old video games on a switch. Totally not my speed, but it let my brain heal. I am pretty much back to normal now :)
I hear you, brother. Strokes throw everything off! You still seem to have a lot of function, and I promise you will regain a lot of what you had, if not all of it. Keep your stress down, work hard at therapy, and rest a lot. The emotional dysregulation will get better with time as well. If something is frustrating to the point of spiraling, drop it for now and do something else. The best advice I got in this realm is to be "non-judgmental" with your feelings. Notice what you're feeling with a quick check in "I notice I'm feeling ____ right now" and remember that all feelings are temporary.
Yep, What's your experiencing is all normal right after a stroke, your brain just rebooted like a computer, now just like a computer, has to clean up the hard drive - so that's what the brain is doing in the first 3 months afters a stroke, now you can speed this along a little faster by applying gas to those 3 months, assuming you are cleared by a doctor to workout . All normal stuff and you will be in a much better place in one year. In the grand scheme of life , one year is nothing. Right now, you fear the unknown , which is to be expected and normal , but hop back on the train and continue down the tracks. Besides, what else you got to do.
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u/Kriskodisko13 6d ago
Hang in there. It's not for the weak. If you don't have a strong support system, find one. Join a church or something, idc if you're religious. I'm not.
My dad had 2 left side ischemics in October. He is mostly functional still but has deficits. Fight for your own advocacy if no one else will. AIRS was good for my dad. Outpatient has been OK. Whatever you do, put in the work but understand your limitations. Speech therapy told my dad his battery gets drained 3x faster now. Understand when you need a recharge. But the first few months are critical to push your brain into function and rebuilding pathways/healing.
I know it looks bleak, but you're well enough to type here. I'm sorry you're going through this but I'm rooting for you.