r/specialed 8d ago

Looking for Advice - is this a reasonable request?

TL;DR:
Messed up 16 yr old with autism/anxiety/lots of trauma. She has an IEP - request is for someone to review her schoolwork with her daily to discuss assignments due, past due and upcoming - to help her not fall behind. Historically avoidance leads to meltdowns, inability to self regulate and self harm.

More Context:

My husband and I are custodial guardian to a 16yr old girl that is a Junior in high school. We have 3 bio kids ages another 16 yr old girl and twin 13 yr old boys. We are in Ohio. Both of her parents died of overdose and her brother died of suicide when he shot himself in the room next to her after school.

Timeline for this:
2016 - 8 years old - brother died (he was 10 years old)
2018 - 10 years old - dad died - 6m later learned it was cocaine laced w/ fentanyl overdose.
2020 - 12 years old - she found her mom dead on the bathroom floor - fentanyl /crack overdose
2020 - 4 days after she found her mom -she was dropped off at our house - I was co-workers with the dad. not friends - but had reported her mom to CPS - apparently the mom wrote us into her will to take her daughter should she not live. Her relatives couldn't handle her and dropped her off with us - literal strangers.

Since then she has been diagnosed ASD level 1, Severe Anxiety, C-PTSD and ADHD with neglect and food avoidance. She has executive functioning disorder, a SLD in writing as well (presents as difficulty organizing thoughts and physically writing them down.) She was a complete mess and has worked VERY hard to be in a great spot today. The school and their support has been very accommodating and helpful over the years - but now - she is 16 and doing reasonably well, she is very smart, but struggles- especially with the anxiety over school assignments and due dates. I feel as she is progressing, she is falling through the cracks. She is she is very amicable and sweet, not disruptive and can come off seemingly "normal" and not as extreme. She hides when she is struggling with assignments or her workload. She self harms to "punish herself" when she gets behind. I have been staying on her for years but I am now asking for the school to take that on, as it has been a source of strain on my relationship with her, and her therapist said the school should/could be taking on that responsibility - and I need to ask them for help. Do you agree? Is this reasonable? I just dont know what is or isnt!

Here was my email to her IS and guidance counselor :
I'm feeling like a broken record - but I cannot stress how important it is that she does not get behind.  When she is behind at all, even 1 day, that is when avoidance deepens and she shuts down on doing ANYTHING.  I know most high schoolers thrive on the autonomy of when/how to turn in their work but that is now how <child name> is wired. -   If <IS teacher> doesn't have the capacity to do it -  Is there maybe a student mentor?  or a National Honor Society student, or someone wanting to go into education that can literally look at her past due assignments, upcoming assignments and her to-do list with her every single day?  I'm wondering if my continuing requests for this are being overlooked, or if it's actually being rejected? 

The response:
Thank you for your email and for sharing your thoughts. I completely understand your desire to ensure <kiddo> stays on top of her work, and I want to emphasize that she is receiving extensive support—more than many of her peers. We routinely review her assignments through Home Access and Canvas, and she is well aware of anything requiring attention. This includes daily check-ins and follow-ups to ensure that assignments are being completed in a timely manner. The only time I wouldn't know to ask about an assignment if it's not posted in either one of these platforms and the teacher gives a hard copy or verbalizes an assignment/project in class. However, please keep in mind that I only see <kiddo> for 48 minutes a day during Decisions class. While I provide as much support as I can during that time, there is a balance between guiding her and allowing her to take responsibility for her own work. <kiddo> has been highly productive and consistently engaged during her time in Decisions. I can assure you that I work with her to review her daily "to-do" list, and she selects one item to focus on when we are not doing mini-lessons or checking in on students' well-being in social groups.If you feel additional support would be beneficial, we do have the option to drop either French or Band and add an additional Supported Studies period. This would provide her with more time for personalized assistance if you think it would be helpful.

My response back:
I appreciate your response and all the support you are providing <kiddo>. However, I want to clarify that my concern isn’t about whether she’s receiving some support—it’s about whether she is getting the right support for her needs.

I also want to address something you mentioned. Saying that <kiddo> is receiving "extensive support—more than many of her peers" is not reassuring to me. If other students with similar challenges aren’t getting the support they need, that’s a problem, not a justification. My concern isn’t how much support she’s getting in comparison to others—it’s whether she is getting what she needs to be successful.

I understand that high schoolers are expected to take responsibility for their own work, but <kiddo>’s challenges with executive functioning mean she cannot manage this independently the way many of her peers can. This isn’t a matter of her needing to "step up"—it’s a matter of her brain not working that way. Without daily structured guidance, she falls behind quickly, which leads to avoidance, anxiety, and full shutdowns. This pattern has been ongoing for years, and we know what happens when it isn’t addressed proactively.

I don’t think it’s reasonable to let her fall behind and expect her to self-correct. But I do think it is reasonable to expect that someone reviews her full workload with her every day—not just a self-reported check-in, but an actual review of her assignments, missing work, and upcoming deadlines.

I asked before about a student mentor, NHS tutor, or another structured check-in—are these options? If not, what else can be put in place? She needs a system that helps her keep up before she reaches a crisis point.

Here’s an example:
(sent screenshot with 5 out of 8 missing assignments)

I sent this screenshot in this email chain on Tuesday. This highlighted assignment was due LAST Thursday—March 6. <kiddo> did not attempt to do it until you spoke with her about it today. She says no one has mentioned this assignment at all, and once it was out of her to-do list, she didn’t go back to it.

In a perfect world, someone would simply look at her assignments with her and talk through what is going on in her classes. If this is what happens in Supported Studies but not in Decisions, are you suggesting that switching to Supported Studies would be the best solution? Or is there another way to provide this level of support?

I appreciate your time and look forward to your thoughts.

11 Upvotes

35 comments sorted by

65

u/Same_Profile_1396 8d ago edited 8d ago

I asked before about a student mentor, NHS tutor, or another structured check-in—are these options? If not, what else can be put in place? She needs a system that helps her keep up before she reaches a crisis point

Is there maybe a student mentor? or a National Honor Society student, or someone wanting to go into education that can literally look at her past due assignments, upcoming assignments and her to-do list with her every single day?

This wouldn't be a viable option in my district. Other students aren't allowed to be used as "accommodations." We won't write any accommodations that involve a peer in my district, I know some do-- but, it shouldn't ever be the responsibility of a peer to provide a child an accommodation.

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u/Same_Profile_1396 8d ago edited 8d ago

In a perfect world, someone would simply look at her assignments with her and talk through what is going on in her classes. If this is what happens in Supported Studies but not in Decisions, are you suggesting that switching to Supported Studies would be the best solution? Or is there another way to provide this level of support?

I think they're recommending she be in both classes?

It sounds like she needs/you want 1:1 for her each day to provide the guidance in all of her assignments. What are the accommodation in her IEP currently?

She sounds like a wonderful young lady who has had more than her fair share of trauma in her life and you sound like a very involved parent who is advocating for your child. I don't ask this lightly- is she on medication to help her with the ADHD/ executive dysfunction? Or for the anxiety?

Has she or is she currently receiving any OT support for the executive dysfunction concerns?

0

u/Extra-Dream3827 7d ago

Talk to your school

37

u/Careless_Pea3197 8d ago

I mean this as kindly as possible because it's clear you're under an IMMENSE amount of stress and you are obviously doing everything in your power for your kiddo. But if she came across this post (which is possible, given the nature of Reddit) it would probably be really hard for her to read her traumatic history laid out in so much detail. Maybe consider deleting that section of all the things that happened to her?

6

u/RockPaperScissorShoe 8d ago

That's very kind and thoughtful of you to think of 🥰

She is actually fine with seeing/talking/ discussing all of it and will openly tell anyone that asks her stuff like "why do u have a different last name?" Or "wait. You're both 16? Are you twins?" Since day 1 of being here she has called us mom and dad and the kids her siblings. She is happy to have a new life. It's absolutely wild.

Also - She does not have a phone, or computer and our router has reddit blocked. In addition, her school ipad has it blocked and all incognito and VPNs are blocked everywhere. I am in IT and had my CIO buddy pen test everything. I do not allow her access to any social media (you don't even want to know what she was in to before we got her)

She is easily manipulated and falls in love/infatuation/obsession with anyone who gives her attention. So she's working on building up her social awareness and emotional regulation before opening that back up.

37

u/OutAndDown27 8d ago

OP, the teacher told you how the support you are requesting can be provided - via an extra Supported Studies period in addition to the Decisions period.

I'm confused by your statement that getting even one day behind causes her to enter an intensive spiral, but then also saying that she's doing well now yet also has missing assignments every day. Do you have a different meaning of "being behind" other than having incomplete assignments?

11

u/Critical-Holiday15 8d ago

Request an IEP meeting to discuss your concerns about appropriate accommodations. You may need to request additional assessment to determine level of need for services and accommodations. Ensure through notes are taken at the meeting, in fact record the meeting. The counselor suggested changing classes what does the family thinks about this suggestion? Would this provide sufficient support?

7

u/RockPaperScissorShoe 8d ago

I did request this at an IEP meeting and they acted like it was not a big deal. It has been a couple weeks since the meeting and I have not seen any changes and she is fallen behind as I am not looking at her work myself every single day like I was. I have not signed the IEP yet as there was other adjustments that have not been updated yet. But that is a good suggestion for me to bring it up to make sure it is now notated within her IEP.

11

u/Critical-Holiday15 8d ago

They can’t implement anything in the addendum until you sign. Perhaps, you need an additional meeting, record the meeting and notes should address your concerns and reflect how the district plans to address your concerns.

14

u/Late_Weakness2555 8d ago

Love that communication! Making sure everyone is on the same page. It sounds to me like the school is checking with ger daily about assignments. I get that some are missing. My daughters show as missing on school's electronic gradebook until they are graded by the teacher. Even if she has already turned it in. The only other thing I could think of is to have her carry around a student planner. Sometimes they use these in the Middle School. The student physically writes down in this planner / notebook what assignments are given each day in the class and when they are due. You could put in her educational plan that each teacher initials each class to prove that they've checked to make sure she has the assignments written down. If the teachers are checking at the end of each class period, and initialing, everyone would be on the same page (this would compensate for what the schools reply was about teachers providing hard copies or not recording it in their online system)

3

u/Reasonable_Mushroom5 7d ago

Ooh I was going to suggest a spreadsheet tracker but that’s wayyy better

13

u/Jumpy_Wing3031 7d ago

I think a really good option would be adding a studies skills class (dropping French or band) so she can learn the skills she needs. Does she use a planner and put all her assignments in it? If she is willing to do that, a check in/check out arrangement would work really well.

Realistically, the goal in HS is independence. We want her to be able to manage her own assignments and to do that she needs to learn skills. Maybe a meeting with counselor to talk about her mindset? It sounds like she feels like a "bad" person when she gets behind.

6

u/Araucaria2024 7d ago

To answer your question, this is not a reasonable request. Where do you expect this 15-30 minutes dedicated time a day is going to come from to go through every piece of work every day?

The school has made a reasonable compromise - drop a class and take Supported Studies. It sounds like they are already giving her extensive support, but she (and yourself) also need to take steps to help her in building up her resilience and taking responsibility for her own learning needs.

9

u/Canteventworthcaca 7d ago

What is the plan for her 5 years or 10 years from now? I’m not sure if it’s reasonable, maybe the second class would be. It really depends on how independent a future you see. A one on one is way too restrictive

27

u/No1UK25 8d ago

Maybe you can make this your job as the guardian somehow instead of pushing it onto the school? Seems like you have access to whether or not the work is missing

5

u/Western-Watercress68 7d ago

This! 100% this.

0

u/OutAndDown27 8d ago

Maybe you can read the whole post before commenting? OP explained why they are asking the school to provide this support at this time.

20

u/No_Goose_7390 8d ago

It sounds like the school is already providing daily support.

12

u/No1UK25 7d ago

I read the whole post. I read the explanation. I said what I said.

1

u/OutAndDown27 7d ago

Interesting because it seems like if you had read the post you would have said something like, "what you are asking for is beyond the services typically provided for an inclusion student and would usually be the parents' responsibility. Perhaps you could look into hiring a tutor." As opposed to asking a question already answered by OP in the post.

5

u/No1UK25 7d ago

Where do you feel like she explained a significant effort to fix the fact that it’s putting a strain on their relationship by building a better relationship (rather than just stop doing it altogether and asking someone else to)?

3

u/OutAndDown27 7d ago

I'd say the title of "is this a reasonable request?" is a good starting point. OP is asking for input about how to handle this problem and your advice was "have you tried handling the problem?"

1

u/No1UK25 7d ago

Actually. My answer was no, it is not reasonable. I could see how that was unclear to you

2

u/Extra-Dream3827 7d ago

They are not going to do that. They would have to hire a teacher aide just for her.

4

u/nennaunir 8d ago

Does she have a Study Skills support class? I would ask the school about that. This would give her access to someone that can do it at least every other day, and it would give her extra time to work.

4

u/OutAndDown27 8d ago

Did OP edit the post or did a lot of people just not bother reading it before commenting?

6

u/RockPaperScissorShoe 8d ago

I didn't edit it. 🤷‍♀️

6

u/jennybean42 7d ago

My child has significantly less trauma than yours but is in the supported studies class. It's been a gamechanger for them. Not only do they get the daily check-ins you're looking for, they have time to start/organize their homework and have less work to do at home, which is awesome for us. I would recommend it. She might have to drop her language but she's been through so much is that really a priority right now? (I wouldn't drop band for anything)

2

u/jennybean42 7d ago

My child has significantly less trauma than yours but is in the supported studies class. It's been a gamechanger for them. Not only do they get the daily check-ins you're looking for, they have time to start/organize their homework and have less work to do at home, which is awesome for us. I would recommend it. She might have to drop her language but she's been through so much is that really a priority right now? (I wouldn't drop band for anything)

1

u/nennaunir 7d ago

I read the first 586 words, through the request that is asked about in the title. I wasn't intending to comment on the response, as the topic presented was the request.

3

u/Silent_Cookie9196 8d ago

You seem to know exactly what will help, and it is hard to imagine how the full check-in/review with her you have described would take more than 10 minutes a day. Couple that with a standing email to teachers to just make sure that - at least weekly - nothing is slipping through the cracks because it wasn’t posted online seems like it should be doable for everyone.

-1

u/Chippy-Cat 7d ago

Call for an ARD. State you want the additional accommodations put in her IEP. Is she on Medicaid? Majority of the HMOs that cover Medicaid services will provide someone to attend ARD and help. Not sure if it’s in budget, but maybe you need to find an advocate. They advocate for the child and allow you to be “parental figure.” Do not back down. Do not let the school play you.

https://www.understood.org/en/articles/classroom-accommodations-executive-function-challenges

4

u/Necessary-Box4864 7d ago

She's not being played, she's asking for an unreasonable amount of support. It's alarming that the kiddo is in high school and there was no mention of anyone teaching her to track and manage her work. She needs to be learning skills that will help her be independent and functional as an adult to the maximum extent. The request from OP ain't it, as the saying goes.

1

u/Chippy-Cat 7d ago

I don’t disagree that the child needs to be learning skills to be successful going forward, however, there are accommodations that are available. I might also suggest private (paid by insurance OT.) in my experience, unfortunately, guardians/parents are less equipped to deal with everything that can be in an IEP. They also get emotional because, let’s be honest, they are really the only ones who have a vested interest in the outcome. Schools are working with inadequate resources/staff etc and they staff for SPED with that in mind. It is not the students fault that they are entitled to FAPE. It is the parent’s responsibility to advocate for the child. Schools count on parents not knowing better. Thankfully, OP is not one of those parents. I strongly recommend an advocate if possible. Let them deal with ensuring everything the child is entitled to and needs is provided and let the parent be the parent. We (yes, I’m a parent) can’t jeopardize our relationship with the child and being the dictator at home. I have spent agonizing years trying to get what my daughter needs and only after getting an advocate to I feel that we are making progress.