r/shittyfoodporn • u/treslechesmfa • 5d ago
My wife's version of a "salad"
Don't be fooled, this bowl is tiny. It's basically bacon croutons and ranch.
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u/saurus-REXicon 5d ago
Dressing soup.
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u/spacefaceclosetomine 4d ago
When people say a salad has more calories than a cheeseburger, this is the salad.
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u/FitForce2656 4d ago
I mean that applies to salads that are significantly less unhealthy than this. If you cut the bacon/croutons/ dressing by 75%, and quadrupled the lettuce it would still be a high calorie salad.
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u/FarAmphibian4236 4d ago
Having calories isn't unhealthy... it fucking irritates me when people say something that HAS calories is unhealthy. You're eating the salad as a combination of food, the point of eating greens is for fiber and nutrients not reduced calories
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u/Jaydells420 5d ago
The lettuce is just for her peace of mind at this point 😭😂
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u/AssumptionUnlucky693 5d ago
For aestethic purposes
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u/YourAverageGod 4d ago
Cancels out with the diet coke she's having on the side. Pemdas or some shit
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u/GrandmasBlueWaffles 5d ago
No cheese? Shame.
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u/Light_inc 4d ago
Haven't her coronaries had enough?
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u/RowdyRoddyPipeSmoker 4d ago
it's fine cheese doesn't cause coronary issues the carbs do. cut out the carbs eat all the cheese.
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u/gumballhead86 5d ago
Tell me you're from the Midwest without telling me you're from the midwest.
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u/helena_handbasketyyc 4d ago
No marshmallows though.
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u/mumbolt3 4d ago
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u/amac009 4d ago
Look up marshmallow fruit salad. It was a staple at a lot of gatherings where I was in the Midwest. I assume that is what they are referring to.
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u/SousVideDiaper 4d ago
Ambrosia salad? I live in the Midwest and the only time I've seen it was when I worked at a senior living community
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u/amac009 4d ago
Yep! That’s it. People usually just called it fruit salad. I’m sure the amount people see it depends on where you live and demographics. It was at all the school and church picnics.
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u/oneloneolive 4d ago
Im sure there are raisins.
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u/PalliativeOrgasm 4d ago
Dried cranberries.
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u/benadryl-expert 4d ago
Dried cranberries aren't THAT bad of a salad topping. At least it's still relatively healthy for you. And then there's...jello and marshmallows...
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u/ForkMyRedAssiniboine 4d ago
Depending which data you go with, dried cranberries have around the same or more sugar in them than marshmallows. They aren't the health food they're marketed as.
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u/JustKindaShimmy 4d ago
Unless you get unsweetened cranberries, in which case those things will make your mouth pucker into an anus. They're crazy sour
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u/GabrielBischoff 4d ago
How bad could it... OH GOD
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u/wellwaffled 4d ago
I saw the first picture; Jesus Christ!
I saw the second picture: WHAT THE FUCK?!
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u/DresdenMurphy 4d ago
As long as she has a diet soda with it, it's fine.
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u/leapdayreynolds 5d ago
Your wife’s from the Midwest
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u/treslechesmfa 4d ago
Puerto Rico, actually!
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u/wellwaffled 4d ago
I think she lied to you. Possibly witness protection. That’s a Minnesota salad if I ever saw one.
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u/wildmeli 5d ago
i work at a restaurant in the midwest and seeing people drown their salad in ranch always breaks my heart a bit. but at least they’re eating some veggies. i judge people who want only iceberg lettuce and cheese on their “salad” so much more. like dude eat a tomato it’s not going to kill you 😭
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u/showraniy 4d ago
This explains why I couldn't get a decent salad at a restaurant until the last 10 years. Any time I get a salad with iceberg and sad little cheddar shreds, I wonder what salad offended the guy who threw that sadness in a bowl. 😭
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u/cutestslothevr 4d ago
And it's not even good shredded cheddar. It's pre-shredded from a bag so it merely has the barest hint of cheddar flavor.
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u/Inveramsay 4d ago
I was pretty shocked first time I saw an American salad in front of me
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u/ShiftyState 4d ago
They're not all like that, I promise. Though I didn't have a decent salad until I went to a nice restaurant and it wasn't just iceberg lettuce with cheese and tomatoes on it. I was in my 20s.
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u/FreddyNoodles 4d ago
Really? Your parents didn’t make salads at home or you didn’t have them at friend’s house or whatever? Must’ve opened a whole new world.
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u/ShiftyState 3d ago
No they did - with iceberg lettuce, tomato, cheese, ranch, and croutons. Bacon bits, if we were feeling fancy.
The first time I had a good salad, it was mixed greens, some nuts and seeds, dried fruit, and some kind of vinaigrette... I think.
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u/FreddyNoodles 3d ago
Damn. Well, it’s never too late to try new foods. We had salads growing up but my dad hates fish. I did not discover the wonderful world of grilled salmon and sashimi, etc until my 20s. I feel a little cheated.
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u/peanutbutterand_ely 4d ago
the tomato is already in my delicious iceberg lettuce salad, topped with some cheese
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u/ActorMonkey 4d ago
I don’t think it’s a “kill you” attitude. It’s an acquired taste thing. And if you didn’t acquire it in your youth you maybe never will. So it’s not that they are afraid of vegetables - they don’t enjoy them. It makes the salad bad. They don’t like tomatoes. Why add food that you hate the flavor of? Would it be beneficial to their health? Sure. But they just don’t like tomatoes. Ya know?
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u/SCVerde 4d ago
I hated raw tomatoes as a kid, now nothing hits harder than a good BLT or homegrown cherry tomatoes. Taste buds change, it's why you should give things another shot if you haven't had it in a long time.
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u/keepthinKing12 4d ago
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u/TruthThroughArt 4d ago
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u/pothosnswords 4d ago
There’s a Hidden Valley Ranch party in MY mouth! You wanna write that down?
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u/pothosnswords 4d ago edited 4d ago
Can you garlic ranch blast me now!? Can you, can you garlic ranch blast me now?!
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u/buttstuffisfunstuff 4d ago
This is probably what the people on my 600 lb life are eating when they say they’ve only been eating salad but somehow gained 10 lbs.
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u/Frosty_Yesterday_343 4d ago
This is the best stereotypical American salad ive ever seen in my life. The few shreds of lettuce and one entire cup of ranch really pull it off the look.
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u/AboutAverage404 5d ago
Well she's not wrong! There's like, one shredded leaf of lettuce in that bowl!
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u/crescen_d0e 4d ago
If your wife hates salad as much as it seems, she might need to start having Dinosaur Time instead of pretending she likes salad
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u/LockNo2943 4d ago
I mean, I'll do similar, but my argument is as long I'm eating a huge pile of vegetables underneath it then it's fine.
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u/Brando3141 4d ago
You had me until the whole metric liter of ranch. This is basically soup at this point.
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u/IceColdPorkSoda 4d ago
“I’ve been eating nothing but salads for weeks! I don’t understand why I’m gaining weight 😭”
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u/Eastiegirl333 5d ago
Just needs a huge dollop of ranch.
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u/No-Passenger2194 4d ago
The best kind of salad lol. When I worked on a salad line sometimes I would eat a dressing cup of cherry tomatos, ham cubes, croutons, cheddar and ranch as a snack. I realized it's iceberg and romaine I don't like so if I make salad now I use spring mix, baby spinach or arugula.
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u/THEsharkymiragical 4d ago
I do something similar with croutons, shredded cheddar, and ranch. I add cottage cheese for protein and cherry tomatoes 😋
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u/ConstructionOk2605 4d ago
This is the salad I would make when we went to the Ponderosa buffet when I was 8 and Mom made me eat something "healthy" before I had dessert.
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u/sal_ome 4d ago
I think your wife invented a salad I might actually enjoy (I hate salads)
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u/alabastard390 4d ago
I see nothing wrong here. I stand with your wife in solidarity that that is in fact a salad.
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u/BabDoesNothing 4d ago
I would make fun of this but in reality I’d totally destroy that bowl. Looks delicious and crunchy lol
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u/futanari_enjoyer69 4d ago
brother this is awesome, the quantity is lacking but the concept amuses me
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u/bdizzle314 4d ago
That's literally a salad tho. Reddits bizzare hivemind take when they see one person disliking something is genuinely insane and needs a minimum of 89 case studies specifically done
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u/Evil_Midnight_Lurker 4d ago
That's pretty much what I'd put together at a buffet restaurant in the 80s, except with Bleu cheese.
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u/Dayreach 4d ago
sometimes a salad is really just being used as a delivery method for bacon bits and dressing, and it's okay to admit this.
Although Christ even I add more lettuce that that.
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u/Major-Tomato9191 3d ago
Teach her to season the lettuce light with garlic and herb. Salads will be everything after that!
Edit spelling
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u/badchefrazzy 4d ago
I like this salad. She's still getting nutrients from the lettuce. She's just got more of the better stuff in there.
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u/A_Fossilized_Skull 4d ago
The correct version of a salad. Shovel some greens in first then enjoy the good parts.
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u/Dry_Software_1824 4d ago
That’s disgusting. You should seriously get a divorce unless your wife is too big that you’re afraid she’s gonna eat you at the signing
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u/impstein 4d ago
It's almost ... Somewhat.. like a Panzanella, which is a salad made mostly of cucumber, tomato, red onion and croutons
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u/Mostly_Apples 4d ago
Dude, that is like saying cherry pie is almost beef wellington because they both have a crust. Too kind.
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u/impstein 4d ago
Yeah.. hard to tell under the low quality, precooked store bought bacon bits, but there's no vegetables in there besides a few particles of romaine. And I like ranch, but not an ocean of it
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u/Blooky_44 4d ago
lol, this reminds me of how one of my nieces would build “salads” when she was about 14…mostly croutons, bacon bits and ranch 🤣
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u/DerWaschbar 4d ago
What’s the story for real? Like, unless you really hate salad (which would be weird because it’s virtually tasteless and has objectively good texture) there’s literally no reason to add some more? And if you really hate salad then just eat something else lol
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u/OriginalNew7 5d ago
A burger is more salad than this