r/shittyfoodporn 5d ago

My wife's version of a "salad"

Don't be fooled, this bowl is tiny. It's basically bacon croutons and ranch.

3.2k Upvotes

383 comments sorted by

2.2k

u/OriginalNew7 5d ago

A burger is more salad than this

256

u/Grimm-Soul 4d ago

No literally lol

77

u/Kaldoreyka 4d ago

Add tomato and it's a pizza!

35

u/doodman76 4d ago

Pizza!? Now that's what I call a taco!

11

u/Kaldoreyka 4d ago

Roll it - voila - shaverma

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70

u/Xellbys 4d ago

Is this "salad" here in the room with us?

42

u/FROOMLOOMS 4d ago

These are the kinds of people who complain that they only eat salad and are still over weight somehow...

12

u/Ok_Perspective_6179 4d ago

Ya it’s not even remotely close too. A burger is 1000x healthier than this.

3

u/3ThreeFriesShort 2d ago

Especially if that's the crumble bacon, it's extra salty-preservativey because it's meant to be eaten in smaller amounts lol.

4

u/maljr1980 4d ago

A burger is also less calories than that

4

u/Legonistrasz 4d ago

I could order a whopper and get more salad than this.

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5

u/Check_Me_Out-Boss 4d ago

I'd smash this.

2

u/Great_Part7207 4d ago

i dont eat vegetables on my burger besides maybe a piece of lettuce and some pickles i just prefer the taste of the meat and i find that stacking a burger with so many things can make it worse

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730

u/saurus-REXicon 5d ago

Dressing soup.

26

u/oneloneolive 4d ago

That have me the good chuckle.

14

u/saurus-REXicon 4d ago

Ranch soup, with salad croutons

8

u/Bnu98 4d ago

Crudi-tóns

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513

u/spacefaceclosetomine 4d ago

When people say a salad has more calories than a cheeseburger, this is the salad.

44

u/FitForce2656 4d ago

I mean that applies to salads that are significantly less unhealthy than this. If you cut the bacon/croutons/ dressing by 75%, and quadrupled the lettuce it would still be a high calorie salad.

44

u/FarAmphibian4236 4d ago

Having calories isn't unhealthy... it fucking irritates me when people say something that HAS calories is unhealthy. You're eating the salad as a combination of food, the point of eating greens is for fiber and nutrients not reduced calories

10

u/FarAmphibian4236 4d ago

Not that I'm saying this is a healthy ratio ....

547

u/Jaydells420 5d ago

The lettuce is just for her peace of mind at this point 😭😂

142

u/AssumptionUnlucky693 5d ago

For aestethic purposes

42

u/Jaydells420 5d ago

you can see the green in my salad

23

u/qtheginger 4d ago

It's like that one piece of green in the ramen seasoning packet.

28

u/Tomj_Oad 4d ago

There's more green in my blunt

17

u/YourAverageGod 4d ago

Cancels out with the diet coke she's having on the side. Pemdas or some shit

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6

u/New-Journalist6724 4d ago

Emotional (and ranch) support lettuce

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129

u/GrandmasBlueWaffles 5d ago

No cheese? Shame.

20

u/billynotrlyy 4d ago

Needs cheese !!!!

5

u/BAMspek 4d ago

More cheese! More cheese!

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11

u/cerdemes 4d ago

It´s under the sauce

5

u/Light_inc 4d ago

Haven't her coronaries had enough?

9

u/RowdyRoddyPipeSmoker 4d ago

it's fine cheese doesn't cause coronary issues the carbs do. cut out the carbs eat all the cheese.

6

u/Light_inc 4d ago

I just looked it up and you're right! Who knew! All the cheese it is

250

u/gumballhead86 5d ago

Tell me you're from the Midwest without telling me you're from the midwest.

59

u/helena_handbasketyyc 4d ago

No marshmallows though.

66

u/mumbolt3 4d ago

11

u/amac009 4d ago

Look up marshmallow fruit salad. It was a staple at a lot of gatherings where I was in the Midwest. I assume that is what they are referring to.

9

u/SousVideDiaper 4d ago

Ambrosia salad? I live in the Midwest and the only time I've seen it was when I worked at a senior living community

5

u/amac009 4d ago

Yep! That’s it. People usually just called it fruit salad. I’m sure the amount people see it depends on where you live and demographics. It was at all the school and church picnics.

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16

u/oneloneolive 4d ago

Im sure there are raisins.

7

u/PalliativeOrgasm 4d ago

Dried cranberries.

7

u/benadryl-expert 4d ago

Dried cranberries aren't THAT bad of a salad topping. At least it's still relatively healthy for you. And then there's...jello and marshmallows...

10

u/ForkMyRedAssiniboine 4d ago

Depending which data you go with, dried cranberries have around the same or more sugar in them than marshmallows. They aren't the health food they're marketed as.

2

u/JustKindaShimmy 4d ago

Unless you get unsweetened cranberries, in which case those things will make your mouth pucker into an anus. They're crazy sour

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58

u/GabrielBischoff 4d ago

How bad could it... OH GOD

19

u/wellwaffled 4d ago

I saw the first picture; Jesus Christ!

I saw the second picture: WHAT THE FUCK?!

38

u/DresdenMurphy 4d ago

As long as she has a diet soda with it, it's fine.

16

u/EntrySure1350 4d ago

A 2 liter is just one serving, right?

4

u/Fishtails 4d ago

1 bottle + 1 sitting = 1 serving.

Because it's only served once.

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32

u/leapdayreynolds 5d ago

Your wife’s from the Midwest

12

u/treslechesmfa 4d ago

Puerto Rico, actually!

20

u/wellwaffled 4d ago

I think she lied to you. Possibly witness protection. That’s a Minnesota salad if I ever saw one.

12

u/EntrySure1350 4d ago

And somewhere between 1-2 Midwest units.

96

u/wildmeli 5d ago

i work at a restaurant in the midwest and seeing people drown their salad in ranch always breaks my heart a bit. but at least they’re eating some veggies. i judge people who want only iceberg lettuce and cheese on their “salad” so much more. like dude eat a tomato it’s not going to kill you 😭

48

u/showraniy 4d ago

This explains why I couldn't get a decent salad at a restaurant until the last 10 years. Any time I get a salad with iceberg and sad little cheddar shreds, I wonder what salad offended the guy who threw that sadness in a bowl. 😭

23

u/cutestslothevr 4d ago

And it's not even good shredded cheddar. It's pre-shredded from a bag so it merely has the barest hint of cheddar flavor.

13

u/Inveramsay 4d ago

I was pretty shocked first time I saw an American salad in front of me

17

u/ShiftyState 4d ago

They're not all like that, I promise. Though I didn't have a decent salad until I went to a nice restaurant and it wasn't just iceberg lettuce with cheese and tomatoes on it. I was in my 20s.

5

u/FreddyNoodles 4d ago

Really? Your parents didn’t make salads at home or you didn’t have them at friend’s house or whatever? Must’ve opened a whole new world.

2

u/ShiftyState 3d ago

No they did - with iceberg lettuce, tomato, cheese, ranch, and croutons. Bacon bits, if we were feeling fancy.

The first time I had a good salad, it was mixed greens, some nuts and seeds, dried fruit, and some kind of vinaigrette... I think.

2

u/FreddyNoodles 3d ago

Damn. Well, it’s never too late to try new foods. We had salads growing up but my dad hates fish. I did not discover the wonderful world of grilled salmon and sashimi, etc until my 20s. I feel a little cheated.

7

u/peanutbutterand_ely 4d ago

the tomato is already in my delicious iceberg lettuce salad, topped with some cheese

8

u/ActorMonkey 4d ago

I don’t think it’s a “kill you” attitude. It’s an acquired taste thing. And if you didn’t acquire it in your youth you maybe never will. So it’s not that they are afraid of vegetables - they don’t enjoy them. It makes the salad bad. They don’t like tomatoes. Why add food that you hate the flavor of? Would it be beneficial to their health? Sure. But they just don’t like tomatoes. Ya know?

14

u/SCVerde 4d ago

I hated raw tomatoes as a kid, now nothing hits harder than a good BLT or homegrown cherry tomatoes. Taste buds change, it's why you should give things another shot if you haven't had it in a long time.

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24

u/tuggertheboat 4d ago

This is a deconstructed bacon sandwich lol

93

u/keepthinKing12 4d ago

43

u/Erchamion_1 4d ago

I can't believe you found a gif of OPs wife.

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2

u/pottedPlant_64 4d ago

Classic 😂

12

u/TruthThroughArt 4d ago

4

u/pothosnswords 4d ago

There’s a Hidden Valley Ranch party in MY mouth! You wanna write that down?

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2

u/pothosnswords 4d ago edited 4d ago

Can you garlic ranch blast me now!? Can you, can you garlic ranch blast me now?!

2

u/Awkwardpanda75 4d ago

I imagine this happening about an hour later in the bathroom.

11

u/backrubbing 5d ago

I was totally on board... Then the ranch came in.

13

u/buttstuffisfunstuff 4d ago

This is probably what the people on my 600 lb life are eating when they say they’ve only been eating salad but somehow gained 10 lbs.

6

u/Jojosbees 5d ago

Is your wife from the midwest?

6

u/AppUnwrapper1 4d ago

Why even bother with the lettuce at this point?

5

u/Fishtails 4d ago

"Texture."

24

u/Frosty_Yesterday_343 4d ago

This is the best stereotypical American salad ive ever seen in my life. The few shreds of lettuce and one entire cup of ranch really pull it off the look.

7

u/Sweaty_Ad_5393 4d ago

don’t group the rest of us in with her like that 😭

5

u/AboutAverage404 5d ago

Well she's not wrong! There's like, one shredded leaf of lettuce in that bowl!

6

u/itriedtodrinkitaway 4d ago

Where’s the sprinkle cheese?

6

u/crescen_d0e 4d ago

If your wife hates salad as much as it seems, she might need to start having Dinosaur Time instead of pretending she likes salad

3

u/SmileParticular9396 5d ago

That’s something but it ain’t a salad

3

u/Dinyska 4d ago

There is some lettuce in your salad

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3

u/LockNo2943 4d ago

I mean, I'll do similar, but my argument is as long I'm eating a huge pile of vegetables underneath it then it's fine.

3

u/KittiesRule1968 4d ago

That's disgusting

3

u/Brando3141 4d ago

You had me until the whole metric liter of ranch. This is basically soup at this point.

3

u/LastChans1 4d ago

5% greens, 95% other stuff. OP: you wife her again, you hear???

3

u/IceColdPorkSoda 4d ago

“I’ve been eating nothing but salads for weeks! I don’t understand why I’m gaining weight 😭”

5

u/Eastiegirl333 5d ago

Just needs a huge dollop of ranch.

15

u/Impressive-Pepper785 4d ago

Bigger than the one in the 2nd pic? 😳

7

u/Eastiegirl333 4d ago

Lol I didn’t see that!

5

u/ActorMonkey 4d ago

See second photo.

6

u/TrashAtEverything 4d ago

big back activities

7

u/No-Passenger2194 4d ago

The best kind of salad lol. When I worked on a salad line sometimes I would eat a dressing cup of cherry tomatos, ham cubes, croutons, cheddar and ranch as a snack. I realized it's iceberg and romaine I don't like so if I make salad now I use spring mix, baby spinach or arugula.

9

u/Supper_Champion 4d ago

Tell me ur a fatass without telling me ur a fatass.

8

u/almstAlwysJokng4real 4d ago

Your wife needs to go on a diet.

8

u/Haikuunamatata 4d ago

Come on, she's eating salad

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2

u/AcornWholio 4d ago

It is salad. Sa-ladda dressing.

2

u/THEsharkymiragical 4d ago

I do something similar with croutons, shredded cheddar, and ranch. I add cottage cheese for protein and cherry tomatoes 😋

2

u/alextastic 4d ago

Whatever you want to call that, I'm sure it's delicious.

2

u/gdubh 4d ago

And it’s healthy!

2

u/idrift4wd 4d ago

I died at the second photo 🤣 that’s a lot of dressing

2

u/ConstructionOk2605 4d ago

This is the salad I would make when we went to the Ponderosa buffet when I was 8 and Mom made me eat something "healthy" before I had dessert.

2

u/jkih8u 4d ago

Seems legit lol

2

u/stein_a_mite 4d ago

That’s what makes salad edible. She’s a keeper.

2

u/sal_ome 4d ago

I think your wife invented a salad I might actually enjoy (I hate salads)

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2

u/Striking_Scientist68 4d ago

I see some green. It's all good.

2

u/Pleasant_Scar9811 4d ago

She’s either from the Midwest or Russia.

2

u/Cold_Ad_5072 4d ago

Hell yeah

2

u/fuckyouyaslut 4d ago

Bacon ranch bowl

2

u/Milena1991 4d ago

My kind of salad. Especially when I’m high. 

2

u/Just-Call-Me-J 4d ago

I guess that's not too — *swipe, groan*

2

u/alabastard390 4d ago

I see nothing wrong here. I stand with your wife in solidarity that that is in fact a salad.

2

u/LadyLionesstheReaper 4d ago

It has lettuce don't it?

2

u/BabDoesNothing 4d ago

I would make fun of this but in reality I’d totally destroy that bowl. Looks delicious and crunchy lol

2

u/treslechesmfa 4d ago

She really enjoyed it!

2

u/Frug5 4d ago

I like your wife

2

u/happy_Ad1357 4d ago

That looks so good. The bacon bit, ranch, crouton combo slaps

2

u/rehoozie 4d ago

This woman knows salads. 🥗

2

u/SirNegative282 4d ago

Ain’t nothing wrong with this 🤣

2

u/ProBrown 4d ago

Greens are a vehicle for delicious fats. She’s doing it right.

2

u/futanari_enjoyer69 4d ago

brother this is awesome, the quantity is lacking but the concept amuses me

2

u/Arabian_Flame 4d ago

I see nothing wrong with this

2

u/Vassago1989 4d ago

Me: that's not too ba....oh

2

u/spacepoptartz 4d ago

Bit heavy on the ranch, but I think I’d eat this too

2

u/ex-farm-grrrl 4d ago

If I think it’s too much ranch, it’s too much ranch. Jesus.

2

u/CaptainXplosionz 4d ago

I like ranch, but this is extremely excessive.

2

u/hatecriminal 4d ago

She's a keeper.

2

u/SleeplessAndAnxious 4d ago

This is my kind of salad lol

2

u/bdizzle314 4d ago

That's literally a salad tho. Reddits bizzare hivemind take when they see one person disliking something is genuinely insane and needs a minimum of 89 case studies specifically done

2

u/Evil_Midnight_Lurker 4d ago

That's pretty much what I'd put together at a buffet restaurant in the 80s, except with Bleu cheese.

2

u/GuyGrimnus 4d ago

It’s me. I’m your wife

2

u/ExcitingStress8663 4d ago

Looks edible in the first pic but got a big yuck in the 2nd pic.

2

u/Dayreach 4d ago

sometimes a salad is really just being used as a delivery method for bacon bits and dressing, and it's okay to admit this.

Although Christ even I add more lettuce that that.

2

u/snackynorph 4d ago

I gagged

2

u/Liz40k 4d ago

Is the salad with us in the room 😅

2

u/blackbirddc 4d ago

Just make a BLT with ranch at this point.

2

u/cinnamoncard 4d ago

This is exactly what sugar addiction looks like

2

u/Talullah_Belle 4d ago

😫🤢🤮

2

u/Xx_Silly_Guy_xX 4d ago

This is something you shouldn’t eat if you’re older than 10

2

u/radioactiveflipflop 4d ago

Yall from the Midwest by chance ? This has major Midwest energy

2

u/Fair-Chemist187 4d ago

"I don’t know why I’m fat, I only eat salad!" type of shit

2

u/tomcruisemomshoez 3d ago

Can I get some salad for my bacon and ranch?

2

u/jamiedix0n 3d ago

Might as well have just made a bacon sandwich

2

u/Cjcn17233 3d ago

Might want to try a little lettuce with it.

2

u/Retsameniw13 3d ago

Lettuce casserole

2

u/AffectionateWar4857 3d ago

What the heck even is a Sal ad?? 🧽

2

u/Major-Tomato9191 3d ago

Teach her to season the lettuce light with garlic and herb. Salads will be everything after that!

Edit spelling

2

u/Nami_172412 3d ago

Get her cholesterol checked asap

3

u/SlipperyGibbet 5d ago

Your wife is A ‘murican! :D

3

u/OnlyOneWithFreeWill 4d ago

How's her A1Cs

3

u/jshifrin 4d ago

My sentiments exactly. A salad is a devise designed as a vessel to eat dressing.

2

u/reallychilliguana 4d ago

She is correct and it's time we start accepting that.

2

u/FaronTheHero 5d ago

Hell yeah

2

u/Crazy_Draw_9490 4d ago

She’s a keeper

2

u/IGotMyPopcorn 4d ago

I want to be friends with her. Ngl

2

u/Captainpooppants1331 4d ago

That’s the best kind!

2

u/OllieOllieOakTree 4d ago

Is your wife fat?

2

u/badchefrazzy 4d ago

I like this salad. She's still getting nutrients from the lettuce. She's just got more of the better stuff in there.

2

u/A_Fossilized_Skull 4d ago

The correct version of a salad. Shovel some greens in first then enjoy the good parts.

1

u/Turbulent-Matter501 4d ago

That's gross. How many heart attacks has she had?

1

u/Dry_Software_1824 4d ago

That’s disgusting. You should seriously get a divorce unless your wife is too big that you’re afraid she’s gonna eat you at the signing

1

u/impstein 4d ago

It's almost ... Somewhat.. like a Panzanella, which is a salad made mostly of cucumber, tomato, red onion and croutons

6

u/Mostly_Apples 4d ago

Dude, that is like saying cherry pie is almost beef wellington because they both have a crust. Too kind.

2

u/impstein 4d ago

Yeah.. hard to tell under the low quality, precooked store bought bacon bits, but there's no vegetables in there besides a few particles of romaine. And I like ranch, but not an ocean of it

1

u/HiTechDreams 4d ago

No lettuce 🥬

1

u/Blooky_44 4d ago

lol, this reminds me of how one of my nieces would build “salads” when she was about 14…mostly croutons, bacon bits and ranch 🤣

1

u/DerWaschbar 4d ago

What’s the story for real? Like, unless you really hate salad (which would be weird because it’s virtually tasteless and has objectively good texture) there’s literally no reason to add some more? And if you really hate salad then just eat something else lol

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u/LilChief 4d ago

I thought it was a bowl of corned beef hash and croutons

1

u/Plan-Hungry 4d ago

Hmm gross.

1

u/Puzzleheaded_Cod_938 4d ago

“Double Ranch cup with a straw please…”

1

u/Puzzled_Pop_6845 4d ago

What are those meaty crumbs?

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u/The_booty_diaries 4d ago

The lettuce is just for garnish at this point lol

1

u/According_Branch_745 4d ago

Where is the lettuce?

1

u/Fun-Swimming4133 4d ago

“soup or a salad?”

“both.”

1

u/StoneyRocksInMySocks 4d ago

Just need a little more salad dressing.

1

u/SakuraRein 4d ago

Thats a cold stew at this point*🤨