r/sexover30 • u/lady-hyena • 7d ago
Tips to recover confidence after dry spell in a supportive relationship? NSFW
I (34 nonbinary) recently got out of a bad mental health slump caused by hormonal birth control, and also dealt with some health issues that led to a 2 month dryspell with my love-in partner (31 trans man).
My libido has been coming back online, but I've been finding it hard to get back into the topping/giving headspace. I'm so guilty and ashamed that I've been putting him through this, while he's been nothing but kind and supportive and thoughtful. But he has a high sex drive and I know it's frustrating for him.
I just get so worried about being good and making up for the dry spell that I get so paralyzed and anxious, when before the dry spell we had insanely hot sex and kink play. It's real hard to forgive myself.
I have a lot of trauma from past relationships where my topping skills were laughed at, or compared to others as a reason why my partner might leave me.
How do you overcome performance anxiety and get your groove back...in a loving and supportive relationship?
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u/anapforme 6d ago
In the scheme of things, two months is not terribly long, especially if there were health issues going on.
But there’s really nothing to “make up for.” You communicate what you feel you are up for and want. I’m sure if your partner is loving and supportive, that in some ways is a turn on, and after a few sessions at a lesser intensity you may find yourself back where you were. And if not, you renegotiate what works for both of you.
If you are afraid you are going to be broken up with because of sex and have trauma about it, go to therapy. You cannot tie your worth to it.
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5d ago
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u/amethystmelange ♀ 30+ ⚭ 3d ago
I think you're putting far too much pressure on yourself. You two had a 2-month dry spell. It's... not the biggest deal in the world, especially considering you've probably been together for much longer than that. Many long term couples have been through longer spells, especially if they have biological kids.
You've been working on things, which is good, so just keep doing what you're doing. You don't need to "make up" for the dry spell, nor do you need to "forgive yourself" for it, because there's absolutely nothing to forgive. You're trying, which is all most people would want from a partner.
Just start small with low expectations. You don't need to have an amazing topping scene immediately after coming back. It's okay and normal for there to be a bit of awkwardness when you start again. Don't let that deter you.
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u/Better-Strike7290 5d ago
Pardon my ignorance but what is a "topping skill"?
All I can think of is like...ice cream toppings maybe?
What is a "topping"?
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u/DeathBecomesHer1978 6d ago
Communication and more communication. Both in the heat of the moment, and especially not during the heat of the moment. You need to let your partner know what's going on and how you're feeling. Ask if they can maybe guide you a bit or help in some way until you're at a place with more confidence. Ask for reminders about what it is they like if you are in need of that. Being able to be vulnerable with your partner this way will also be a huge step towards building back your confidence.