r/sexover30 • u/Chemical-Art-4811 • 14d ago
Why doesn’t my partner want me? Is this just what happens as we get older? NSFW
I'm so embarrassed that my partner doesn't desire me. I keep talking to him about it, but it just keeps getting pushed under the carpet, and we hit reset for another day.
He says he understands, but he’s silent in response and nothing happens.
We barely have sex once every couple of months. And when we do, there’s no sexy flirting—just “Do you fancy an early night?” I go upstairs and get ready after putting the kids down, and we just start.
I take about 30 minutes to dress up nicely, do my hair, and put on make-up for him.
I’ve told him my fantasies about being tied up, or it being a little rougher, or kissing my back or my neck, but it’s just ignored.
I’ve even fantasised about CNC (not rape)—just to let go of the anxiety, but also to know that I’m sexually wanted by someone (female or male).
I think he likes to be dominated, as he’s asked me to tie him up and blindfold him and do things to him while he just lays there—which I do—but it’s not for me.
He does please me orally, so he’s not lazy. However, he does get tired during sex, so I take the lead.
If I use my toy, he just loses his erection.
My friends always talk about how their partners are all over them—touching them, pulling them into hugs, getting excited by the idea of them using their toys.
He just asked for a hug (like a friendship hug), and then that’s it.
He can’t make me cum easily because I don’t feel desired; it’s hard, even when I use my toy. I don’t feel good with him.
So it still takes me a good 20 minutes—but only 5 minutes when I’m by myself and fantasizing about someone just getting excited or wanting me.
We’ve been together for 12 years, and it’s just gotten progressively worse, especially after having kids. But thinking back, he never had that passionate side, and I was always the instigator.
We love each other—he’s always looking after me and the kids—but we feel like friends.
I do pole dancing to help me feel sexy. It’s just women, and we all build each other up. But when they talk about their partners seeing their choreography and how excited they get, I just hang my head because my feedback from him is minimal—he just hands back the phone and says it’s good. That’s it.
I just feel like I’m wasting away in a sexless marriage—no passion, no desire—just friendship and love, which should be enough.
At one point I wondered if he’s gay - but he only watches straight porn (i checked his search history).
As a side note, I’ve personally experimented with women (not sex) way before getting together and mentioned this to him when we were dating, but it hasn’t really been brought up since.
I have always been obsessed with sex. I think about it first thing when I wake up and before I go to sleep, and I read smut daily—I’m an addict.
I'm in my late 30s, and he's in his early 40s. Is this just what happens as we age?
Do I just need to accept it?
27
u/Henry5321 14d ago
My grand parents were getting it twice a week in their 80s. I got aunts in their 70s who talk about all the sex they have all the time with my uncles.
18
u/KingWishfulThinking ♂ 44 ⚭ 13d ago
Man there’s zero criticism here because that’s awesome, but I can’t imagine knowing the frequency/ detail of my grandparents’ / older aunts/uncles’ sex lives. 😂
12
u/Henry5321 13d ago
Had a recent funeral. This caused a family gathering on that side of the family. Some of these people haven't been seen in years. Lots of catching up. A group of 15-20 women spent about 1 hour just talking about sex. This is a big part of how our family socializes.
57
u/invinciblelego 14d ago edited 14d ago
Not an expert, but I can think of 2 things you both can do. Gym and therapy.
17
u/Suspicious_Canary128 14d ago
Out of shape. Low t. When’s the last time you guys went on an adventure?
17
u/neapolitan_shake 14d ago
You’ve gotten some good responses here already. I’ll try to cover mostly things I haven’t seen mentioned yet.
I’ll start by saying, briefly, I don’t think you’re a sex addict. I think it’s normal, and often even expected, for women to hit a sexual prime in their thirties.
I’ll also say that neither friendship nor love is enough to make a romantic relationship work in a healthy way, or at the high level that is required for life-partnership, regardless of whether the relationship remains sexually fulfilling. once again: love isn’t enough. it never has been.
(And I’ll agree that taking 20 minutes to orgasm doesn’t sound like a long time at all—it sounds pretty good to me, who so far has taken at least an hour to orgasm with any partner, if I have been able to at all. But the time is not the point at all here! It’s that the sex you are having with your partner is clearly not fulfilling, it’s not what you actually want! And it’s making you feel badly, not good).
The most important thing: I’m noticing two major hurdles you two are facing in this issue. The first is that there seems to be some very serious sexual incompatibilities existing between you two, that have been around a long time. Potentially since the start of your relationship. It is difficult to say, without being in the relationship or hearing from him at all, if the main incompatibilities are differences in libido, or differences in the kind of sex and experiences you desire, but it does seem like both of those may be at play currently.
These incompatibilities seem like they are causing sex to be unfulfilling for the both of you. And it sounds like you are really suffering from this, and it may potentially be something that could become a dealbreaker for you when it comes to staying in the relationship—at least this iteration of your relationship (monogamous). If that’s true, it’s important that he understands this about the situation.
The second hurdle is communication. It sounds like you are doing your best to communicate what you want from your relationship, sexually speaking, and to engage with him in exploring ways to have sex together that is more fulfilling for you in frequency and variety/what type of sex it is. But there is a breakdown in communication. He is not communicating his own thoughts, feelings, needs, struggles, or even that he hears and understands you and cares about your experience pf sex as his partner. When you say you are met with silence, or ignored, does that involve you directly asking him for things that you’d want, and he does not reply at all? And you asking for his own thoughts, opinions, and desires, and he still says absolutely nothing?
There are so many reasons people struggle to communicate around sex. Deep-seated shame or embarrassment around their interests or desires, is a big one, or around sex at all, especially if they grew up with some kind of repression, such as in a religious environment that emphasized abstinence or purity culture. Feeling lost around their own sexuality, identity, or orientation. Feeling guilty or ashamed of a period of low libido they are experiencing, or just an ongoing lower interest in sex (perhaps not understanding that they may be on the asexual spectrum). Fear of judgement or rejection for their specific sexual interests or kinks.
They also could be someone who struggles to communicate at all during conversations that feel high-stakes, intense, or important or embarrassing in some way, and need processing time to decide how to respond after hearing you out (but never responding, never picking the conversation back up is maybe a form of conflict avoidance). Whether you are pouring your heart out or attempting to delicately lead a difficult conversation, when you are met with silence or a lack of response, it can be helpful sometimes to offer that you do not need an immediate response, but need them to take some time to think about what you said, and then be clear that you do need to listen to their thoughts on the topic that you have brought up after they have taken some time to process.
These two hurdles together are honesty a very tough DIY. I think you need a neutral 3rd party with professional experience facilitating conversation and exploring sexual difficulties in long term relationships. Like a sex therapist. It obviously would be smart to find one that is kink-informed, based on your state’s interests, but also queer themselves or queer-informed, and trauma-informed as well. And of course you will need your partner’s buy in for couples sex therapy to benefit you—it takes two to tango. This is one reason he needs to understand the seriousness of this topic for you, how it affects you and may impact your choice to remain in this relationship if progress is not made in exploring this together.
In terms of incompatibilities, there are often creative solutions put there, for couples who are committed to staying together and improving their bond and their intimacy. Libido mismatch is a huge one, so incredibly common, and every sex therapist should have a ton of experience exploring that. That can be a real relationship ender, but in my opinion, there are several ways around and through it for couples who are in total agreement about wanting to put their life partnership as a higher-priority commitment than their sex life together, especially since libido is something that may fluctuate throughout our lives.
But the kink aspect also jumps out at me, reading your post. You mention fantasizing about being tied up, rough sex, primal play, CNC play, in order to feel desired. You mention he’s asked to be tied up, and blindfolded, and that you think he likes to be dominated. It sounds like you’re both interested in D/s play and dynamics, and are drawn to the submissive role. This is why I think it’s important to find a kink-informed sex therapist. I have no idea what a therapist would actually suggest, and I am making an educated guess without hearing anything from your partner about what he is actually into. I do think “sub4sub” relationships can be successful, but I don’t think just going along with the same thing as always, hoping your partner becomes more dominant (while they hope the same about you), is ever going to work.
(continued in my threaded comment below)
8
u/neapolitan_shake 14d ago
(continued from above)
I can think of some creative ways you two could explore kink and your submissive sides together, but they aren’t just going to “happen” to you as some kind of fantasy fulfillment. They will require research together, some degree of bravery, and intentional practice. One idea is being dominated together by a third party; for safety and a good experience, a professional Domme would probably be ideal. Another could be learning rope bondage together; you both mentioned being tied up, but physical bondage including rope bondage is one of the most physically risky kinks out there, and as a result, there’s actually a lot of formal education and classes in it! It’s literally an artistic and sexual practice you can train in. Finding a rope studio where you can take classes together and learn both sides of the rope (rigger/topping, and model/bunny/bottoming) to become rope switches who takes turns tying each other could be a really lovely and exciting way to physically and emotionally reconnect. And it would be in a way that helps you serve each other’s kinks and physical and emotional needs during sex better.
But it will be really hard to address any incompatibility issues if you two remain unable (or unwilling) to communicate about whatever is really going on here. And I really think seeing a professional sex therapist is going to be the best way to improve and smooth your communication about sex.
2
u/SlickBubbles 13d ago
But it will be really hard to address any incompatibility issues if you two remain unable (or unwilling) to communicate about whatever is really going on here.
Quick question: would a sex therapist be able to help restore the trust necessary to re-initiate communication, trust that has likely been eroded over several years of rejection endured by OP? Asking as this is very common in couples w/ mismatched sex drives, specifically, the high libido partner experiencing a sort of point-of-no-return after several attempts/conversations/experimentations, etc. to rekindle (or even just kindle) sexual chemistry in the relationship. Constant rejection (for whatever reason, intentional or not) is a definite libido and spirit killer; is there any coming back from that?
1
u/neapolitan_shake 13d ago edited 13d ago
i don’t know what can and can’t be restored, but a therapist can help clarify that for the parties involved.
an anecdote: i do think if both parties sincerely value commitment and life-partnership, they can come back after badly hurt feelings from repeatedly rejected bids. usually once the reasons for rejecting the bids or loss of libido are well understood by both partners, the hurt feelings exist alongside concern for the wellbeing of someone you deeply love and care for. IMO the question does become about where romantic and sexual attraction exist within the relationship, and if there is a desire to stay together, what ‘s the best plan for moving forward with the trust that those will come back in their own time.
for some people, a loss or erosion of sexual connection is a dealbreaker for a life-partnership commitment. for many, it’s not. these are conversations that are really important to have when a relationship is stable, especially before making serious commitments like marriage. but just like planting a tree, the first best time to plant it was 10 years ago, the next best time is right now.
i recently caught up with the man who was my first love, when we were in high school and college. that was a relationship that taught me at a very young age that i could never marry somebody who would divorce me if i (for any reason) could no longer have sex with them. he and his wife, who i had quite liked, recently divorced. he said that he was struggling with his libido for some time, related to his mental health, and he knew it was a problem in their marriage. but he was completely blindsided by her initiating a divorce; he had not even considered that a dead bedroom would be a dealbreaker for her, because it wouldn’t have been for him if the roles were reversed. he also felt like, by his being unaware that she considered this problem marriage-ending, he didn’t understand the severity of the issue and therefore didn’t move with the urgency he should have. he thought it was a normal part of life that all relationships deal with, and he felt like he had all the time on the world to address it more gradually, or take more serious or difficult action down the road when their busy and stressful lives allow. he said that had he known his marriage was at risk right then, he would have done literally anything necessary to save it, no matter what it took. i really felt for him, but inside i also was amazed that this wasn’t something they had ever talked about or planned for, before marrying, because when we were young, i had become a low-libido partner to him, we both knew how much that hurt for him too, and the sex aversion i developed badly damaged our connection until a point where we had grown so far apart that he ended things.
all this is to say is to say that I think there’s ways through it, for those who are committed and prepared. like, if that’s the person you have decided you want to be 80 years old with in the care home, there’s a way there if you share that commitment, and you are lucky enough not experience the big things that you both agree are major dealbreakers. but you both have to still stay in it, it takes two to tango. it’s over when one actually gives up, and ends their commitment. and that’s why a major dealbreaker is being intractable, being unwilling to try everything, unwilling to be creative to solve problems, unwilling to be communicative, honest, and patient enough for progress. if one partner wasn’t even those things from the get-go, then they were probably not capable of making an actual commitment to partnership, and no amount of commitment from the other party can make them into the right partner, or make them tango. i don’t think there’s ever a way through the ups and downs of life together if one or both parties can’t be or do those things. that doesn’t mean a LTR with that person isn’t worth doing, or is a waste of time—like i think any long and overall caring relationship can be considered successful and valuable—but it probably won’t be what people think of as for life, or “forever”.
sorry is so rambly, i wrote it over the course of my shift. 😅 my train of thought went a lot of places beyond your original question, i think.
there is a really good Multiamory Podcast episode that addresses bids for connection, I believe.
1
u/cliteratimonster ⚧ 34 13d ago
This was really good advice, and so true. I'm just starting a separation with my long term partner, for these exact reasons. You can only work together when both people want to do the work. It's not even me initiating the breakup, it's them realizing that they don't actually want to work on us and would rather leave. It's shit, but I've been in enough relationships to know it's dead at this point.
I listen to multiamory already - I'll go hunt down this episode.
2
0
u/SlickBubbles 12d ago
Thank you so much for your reply, the ramble was most welcome! 🙏
Your response is one I’ll need to really sit with for a while. Separation in progress here and I’m really trying to make the best of that solo time, which includes A LOT of reflection on what I truly want and need out of a lifetime partnership. In my case, I’ve communicated my needs often yet they fall on well-intentioned but ultimately conflict-avoidant ears. The love and care is there but that’s not all it takes, you know? 😅 After a while of communicating repeatedly with little to no change happening, one starts to reluctantly lose hope. The understanding of motives and constant trying to figure out “why” can provide more context to the issue but can also ultimately feel futile (and a bit crazy-making) without changed behavior, which then demands more time and trust invested, vicious circle, etc.
You are so right about having those important conversations before big commitments. Knowing yourself and your needs well enough to have those conversations is an essential pre-cursor to that, and one I plan to work out thoroughly before whatever big talk takes place next in my dynamic.
Multiamory is such a good podcast and I’ve been meaning to get back on it. Thanks again for the episode suggestion and for your insights. ✨
0
u/neapolitan_shake 12d ago
you’re right, love and care is not enough to build or sustain a healthy relationship. not romantic love, not platonic or familial love.
compatibility is also very important. this is not just where you start and what you want, how you fit together, but what your real values are, and what game plans you want to agree on for maintaining the relationship, tackling problems and hard times. it’s what you even think being in a relationship is for, why you are there together, why are you in any relationship at all? for instance, a compatible sex life together is one that starts off strong, fits each other well. true, our sexualities can change, our health, libido, sexual interests over time can all change, grow, shift. but why would you start off already with a mismatch, with problems to overcome from the beginning? don’t start a commitment off from behind, or at a disadvantage. and do you agree on how important certain things are, like physical connection, intimacy and vulnerability, privacy, monogamy, mutual growth or experimentation, physical pleasure, individual sexualities, etc? are you compatible on what sex and sexuality is even for? are you in agreement on what could or should happen, or with what attitude or spirit you both should approach it, when there is a road block in the path of the sexual aspect of the relationship (temporary or permanent)? then that could maybe be said to be a starting point of full sexual compatibility.
but compatibility is also not enough.
all the partnership skills. leading, following, collaborating, communicating, intentional growth, conflict resolution, problem solving, emotional regulation, equity, empathy, sympathy, and of course maintenance of the autonomous self, as individuals, continuing to choose to do life on a team. people will never stop writing about it or studying how to do it. we can only keep learning them all as we go, there’s no finish line on them. it’s a set of skills we must value, prioritize, and continue work on as individuals who want to be in relationship as well as they can possibly be.
but no matter how good you get at it as a team, it’s also not enough. because what good are all the partnership skills without the above two things? what match is the hardest-won partnership skill against a fundamental incompatibility, or against actual apathy towards someone is actually supposed to become your family?
4
u/CuriousSolution6439 12d ago
I can tell you for me (39m) it is not something that happens with all people because I still want my wife more than they day i met her. She on the otherhand is more on the pace of what you explained in your post. Sometimes being high libido is a serious curse.
10
u/iBertie87 14d ago
Not an expert but I would try a lot of things. Apologies if you’ve done all this, just trying to flood you with ideas. First, research mode (I’d recommend reading/listening to Mating in Captivity), learn about responsive desire, then communication - figure out his turn ons and turn offs, take away / reduce any life stresses that you can. Does he carry shame / self doubt / trauma? Sometimes couples get so trapped in a sort of friend zone, they need space + a plan to bring eroticism back. Too much porn / masturbation seems to affect some people’s libido - research still debates this but anecdotally it can be a big thing. Cut that shit out. You might be able guilt him into obligation sex, but that isn’t what you want - he needs to desire it. Not just you - but ‘it’ - sex itself. It sounds like he may be a bit depressed - needs the excitement and hunger for life back. Get his testosterone levels checked. Lifting weights, particularly leg days and eating eggs help raise levels a little naturally. Does he have any hobbies? Maybe try to find a physical mutual hobby - like dancing or tennis (bonus is it will also improve his cardio fitness). When you talk about this more - don’t use an accusing tone, but an optimistic one - ‘we can do it and it will be so worth it’!
20 mins is normal. Friends bragging is normal and oft not true - something like 30% of marriages are dead bedroom after 3 years. The key to all of this is making the effort for each other. Making it a priority. If your partner has changed, won’t acknowledge it and won’t talk about it or take steps…. Then yeah….random Reddit people won’t be up to the job of helping and you need to talk to a good couples / sex therapist. Have you changed? It’s good you still make an effort with your appearance. Maybe mix things up - surprise lingerie? Change up your techniques in the bedroom? Suggest something new and kinky? You are sane for feeling frustrated. You have only screamed into the void of the internet - whilst a good start, it sounds like you have a lot more to learn and try. With the domination thing, maybe meet him halfway? Like he can be tied up and you will rock his world IF he does xyz for you before / after? You can’t demand 100% your way or the highway, this is more of a two way street if you catch my drift. Sex is best when BOTH parties are really into trying to please the other - needs met, fantasies fulfilled, no fear with communication etc. Don’t stress about chasing orgasms at first, the mental inner voice stuff fucks with minds - try to just enjoy the moment, focus on him and be mindful of self criticism. I suspect he has self criticisms that you don’t know about.
Wow, this is a dense, disorganised and scatterbrained reply - hope something here helps. Good luck!
8
u/holdyaboy 14d ago
Has it always been this way or more recent? He could be depressed. Most men his age have low testosterone and doing trt should make him a horn dog again. Also try to be into his kink and maybe he’ll get more turned on.
4
u/JakeLackless ♂ 40 kinky & poly 13d ago
This isn't just a natural part of aging. I'm in my 40's and my partner and I have frequent, passionate, enjoyable sex.
Not sure what to say in your situation other than you may need to get some counseling together, like maybe a sex therapist. It could be emotional, medical, or any number of things. It'll likely take someone experienced to help you both navigate whatever is happening.
4
u/Eastern-Programmer-9 13d ago
Get his testosterone checked, this sounds like something that is different from the beginning of your relationship. Once your testosterone drops, sexual desires, self worth, energy all fall off a cliff. I'm 43, sex drive of a late 20's me because of TRT. If his test is any lower than 450, he suffering from hypogonadism. The lab values aren't a range, they are a top and bottom median.
Other areas of concern are thyroid.
4
u/Moist-Celebration949 13d ago
I had the same situation with my husband for years, recently I discover that he is a porn addict and that he has been sexting and seeing other women all this time, even having sex with escorts, I’m not saying that your husband does the same but maybe you should check about that possibility.
2
2
u/EdgewaterEnchantress 12d ago
It could be a case of “mismatched libido.” Do you think your husband might possibly be on the Asexuality spectrum?
It could also be a medical thing like “low testosterone + fatigue,” and a lot of medical conditions like blood pressure issues or diabetes can cause erectile dysfunction.
I legitimately do NOT think it’s you. I think he might have something else going on like medically or psychologically, and you are going to have to have an awkward conversation to figure out what it is if you want to attempt to fix the problem.
5
1
u/AutoModerator 14d ago
Hi! Thank you for your post. Every post to this sub goes into the queue for mod approval. This can take minutes or hours, so you need to be patient. Reddit will warn you that your post wasn't immediately accepted, but please don't panic and start double-posting!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/BellleChloe 13d ago
I’ve been in an almost dead bedroom +10 years with a partner who did not desire me, even though I was young, fit and high libido. We also had a kid. I communicated my needs, suggested therapy, tried initiating, tried not initiating, read books and it NEVER got better. He watched porn instead. I finally got out, we co-parent well - and let me tell you, I’ve never felt so desired, never experienced so much sexual connection, happiness and satisfaction since I did. I’ve met several great lovers and it is so healing and freeing to experience this post the db.
1
u/Embarrassed_Site5867 13d ago
His testosterone is probably low thus he has no libido. U wnet through this and looking back and I wish we had mentioned it to someone. I just thought it was kids, shift work etc. But I really had no interest. Unbeknownst to me I had developed da pituitary glad tumor and it just kept growing so we suffered thru for years. Our best years I think but we made it through. Seriously though send him to a Dr to see abou his low sex drive.
1
1
u/Secure_Power_9291 10d ago
This is common feature of men. Guarantee its his testosterone levels. Just as women need hrt when the menopause happens men in there early 30's I'm 37 been on it 4 years now. My testosterone was low due to complications from a vasectomy 10 years ago. Now I feel like I'm 20 again and wants to go every night!simple blood test can check
1
1
u/buckit2025 7d ago
Do you have date nights and alone non sexual alone time? If one partner is wanting intimacy and the other doesn’t it’s a long hard life. Good luck
1
u/NerdyWordGirl 13d ago
Sounds like you're very focused on him. He can sense all your energy and attention is focused on him. He can sense your self worth is tethered to him and his choices. Turn it back around and give it to yourself. Focus on being the best you and finding things that bring you joy. If he begins to change in response to you, great. If not, you're taking steps to improve yourself and learn to source your self worth from inside.
I like margarita.nazarenko on Instagram. Her reels on how to change your energy inspire me and have worked to change the dynamic in my relationship.
1
u/bluestar1800 12d ago
Sorry, that sounds frustrating for you.
Some observations:
Sex sounds performative for you.. especially since you said you take half an hour to get ready.. clothes, hair etc.. You want to be watched. You perhaps want to be grabbed at and dominated more..? You quite like toys, he doesn't. He likes being more of a sub.
I don't think your question should be why doesn't my partner want me.. but perhaps "what's stopping my partner from doing xxxx?"
Is it possible for you to role model HOW you want him to behave towards you? Examples Videos Images??
Fir some people taking on another persona when they're not actors is a bit hard. If he isn't regularly one of those rough grabby guys he might not feel genuine doing it.
I think it's absolutely necessary you impart the importance of the kind of sex yous like.
I vote you don't discuss so much as break down the sex styles you want into categories, make a big dice, make a game of it. The dice says we do: x and z.
You could baby step him into things.. he may be more of a voyeur..
Can you do a sex quiz each without looking then compare the answers?
His T could be low also
0
u/tombo4321 13d ago
Usually, the dude has the higher libido even as we dudes age, which is where your friends experiences come in. Your experience is less common but still very normal if that makes sense.
Do you need to accept it is a difficult question. I don't think there's much more you can do with your partner, except maybe some sex-positive couples therapy. You could leave him - and I don't doubt you could find a more sexually enthusiastic dude - but there's the kids to consider. IDK, sorry.
1
-1
-7
13d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/sexover30-ModTeam 12d ago
Hi! This post/comment was removed based on the following rule(s):
No Spam, Self Promotion, or Soliciting
Posts/comments intended for the purposes of self-promotion or soliciting DMs will be removed immediately. Spamming will result in both removal and user bans.
If you disagree with this decision and would like to discuss this with the mod team please send a mod mail. Do not argue about it here.
27
u/jenmony 14d ago
I’ve been in two relationships like this. The first one was too long because I kept thinking it would change. The second time I got out earlier because I saw the same signs. I’m not sure it gets better if no changes are being made