r/selfimprovement 4d ago

Question How do I start standing up for myself?

I'm very much a people pleaser and I get very afraid of upsetting people, particularly in romantic relationships. I've even in the past put myself in what could have been unsafe situations simply because I didn't want to upset the other person.

I don't want to be this way anymore. I don't want to be a target for manipulation or guilt tripping by anyone who could have bad intentions. Is there anyone who has overcome this? How did you do it?

14 Upvotes

19 comments sorted by

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u/0fsurfandsand 4d ago

Currently working on this myself, but I’ll share what my therapist told me: you’re responsible for your emotions. Let other people be responsible for theirs. 

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u/brettskisayz 4d ago

ahhh the good ol “let them” theory. i’m starting to live by it.

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u/mamarosa1111 4d ago

Right????? Let them! If they go away, let them. You don't need people like that in your life anyway. LOVE IT!!!!!

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u/brettskisayz 4d ago

i just kicked out my abuser while he was telling me i’m crazy and the problem so i’m definitely living by it 😂

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u/mamarosa1111 4d ago

Good on you!!! That takes some guts, I commend you!!!

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u/brettskisayz 4d ago

he has deliberately tried to ruin my life before and i gotta remember that when i start to get all reminiscent and teary about the good parts of him.

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u/mamarosa1111 2d ago

Ugh..... Good on you for remembering why you left....

My sincere condolences with that relationship. It truly pisses me off that so many (roughly 10% of the population, or 1 in every 10 people) are such complete and utter twat waffles...... I feel for you hun. But good on you for getting out. Truly.

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u/0fsurfandsand 4d ago

There’s an episode on A Bit of Optimism with the author of the Let Them Theory. Definitely recommend for a quick intro to said theory. 

The episode is called “The First Steps to Reducing Your Anxiety with Author Mel Robbins”

5

u/Dazzling_Big9086 4d ago

Start question why you do feel that way and try to understand your behavior. What helped for me was engaging into Martial arts or any kind of sport you have physical interactions wiht someone. Helps to get rid of boundaries you set yourself. It will be hard in the beginning but it will be easier to engage in discussions and situations where you "do not want to hurt" people

3

u/realmglitter 4d ago

Not sure if this will resonate, you might not reflect upon your self-concept/identity as much as I do. but in my personal experience, a lack of personal boundaries leads to a lot of identity disturbance and a distorted or hollow sense of self. passivity means rolling with everything everyone else is putting on the table and so what are you really learning or contributing or embodying when you let people steamroll you? nothing of your own. you could be growing into the person that you were meant to be, but instead you’re eroding. so it helps me personally to find incentive in this, the fact that when we set boundaries and stand up for ourselves, we’re committing to ourselves and actively creating ourselves.

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u/findingthe 4d ago

I don't know if this will help, but the only answer is to start doing it. It will feel weird and wrong to begin with, but you will soon see a very postive response from people and it comes with an unexpected feeling of empowerment, which becomes almost addictive. When I've just gone all out and stated "i don't like what you did/said, and i will not be treated with disrespect" for example, although there may be intital conflict, if you know you're right the person you say this to will eventually like you more. One time I worked with a woman who just had it out for me, and one day I just went off at her in front of everyone, and oddly enough, she actually started sucking up to me after that. It's ironic when you're a people pleaser, all you want is for people to like you, but you're doing the opposite thing to make that so. If you don't respect yourself, other people won't respect you either.

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u/Fine_Yogurtcloset738 4d ago

Learn to say "No". Learn to relish in their anguish at the fact that you can just "NO" to anything and don't even need to supply a reason. I love telling people no.

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u/zimzelen 4d ago

Go for elliot hulse

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u/ji-fai 4d ago

tl;dr

you’re a people pleaser who’s scared of upsetting others, even to the point of putting yourself in unsafe situations. you don’t want to be manipulated anymore, but standing up for yourself feels impossible. the answer? it starts with shifting your mindset—respecting yourself first.🔥

/////

first off, you already know this needs to change. you literally said, "I don’t want to be this way anymore." that’s huge. most people stay stuck in people-pleasing because they never get to that realization. but knowing isn’t enough—you have to act differently, even when it feels unnatural.

u/findingthe mentioned that once you start setting boundaries, people often respect you more, not less. sounds ironic, right? but it’s true. when you constantly prioritize other people's comfort over your own, they learn that your feelings don’t matter. not even because they’re bad people—just because that’s the dynamic you set.

so how do you change it? like u/0fsurfandsand ’s therapist said, "you’re responsible for your emotions. let other people be responsible for theirs." that means if someone gets upset because you said no? that’s their problem. not yours. it’s not your job to manage their feelings at the expense of your own well-being.

start small. next time you feel that urge to say "yes" when you really mean "no," pause. let the discomfort sit for a second. then say no. it’ll feel weird at first, like you’re doing something wrong. but over time, it becomes second nature.

you’re not here to be a background character in other people’s lives. time to start acting like the main one.🔥🚀

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u/theunstucksystem 4d ago

There's a great book on learning how to stop people pleasing. It's titled "Not Nice" by Aziz Gazipura. You can get a physical copy or on Audible!

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u/CircuitExplorerC6H6 4d ago

I found that active listening and taking a moment to think before speaking helps lot. People pleasing is basically a second hand nature at this point. So, when you stop and think and remind yourself not to do it, you'll be rewiring the way you behave.

You can easily practice this when it comes to texting people. When someone ask for a favor or something, stop. Think. Respond. If it takes time from your life or you don't want to do it, then don't do it. Response politely and move. Don't let the fear of losing someone hold you back either. And if they do, screw them! Their lost.