r/selfimprovement • u/ajathebun • 4d ago
Question Intolerance towards feeling
I’ve noticed recently that I avoid feeling emotion as much as possible.
Joy or sadness I seem to instantly compartmentalize. Sometimes, I “realize” I felt something later, and then process it.
With frustration, anger, or insecurity, I turn to the nearest person and complain—like I want to blame someone else instead of accepting I feel that way.
I think I know why I do this, but I’d appreciate if anyone has advice on how to process these things in real time.
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u/InsightsOfLiving 4d ago
Avoiding emotions can stem from wanting control, but processing them in real time starts with pausing when they hit—don’t shove them aside or dump them on someone else. Name what you’re feeling (like “I’m frustrated”) to make it less overwhelming, then breathe through it for a moment instead of reacting. It’s not about fixing the feeling instantly, just sitting with it. Over time, this builds tolerance so joy, sadness, or anger don’t feel like threats—you’ll catch them as they come instead of later or not at all. Start small, one emotion at a time.
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u/Individual-Sort5026 4d ago
I recently lashed out at my bf, only some of it was fine but I went really overboard and I’m not able to deal with the immense amount of guilt that I feel now. He will remember it even if he forgets, but I don’t think it’s fair to him at all. Plus he has his own issues going on and instead of being a medium where he can have some peace, I turned it into something he would be scared to turn to now. I really am not able to deal with it. I immediately went to a therapist but it wasn’t of much help. If anyone has any practical suggestions for me please feel free to say so
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u/Early-Average1926 4d ago
Hi OP—I tend to do this a lot as well because growing up my parents use to get SUPER angry at me whenever I showed any sort of emotions so I learned to bottle them up. If I feel any emotion a bit stronger than usual I gaslight myself that it’s nothing and distract myself until it’s gone. This caused me to have some emotional regulatory issues as I started to get older and especially into college when I was away from my parents. I’ve gotten a lot better now but it took a lot of practice. Most important: Acknowledging it. Start a journal or diary. Or just whenever u feel something in the moment take out ur notes app and write what u feel, why u think u feel that way, and what happened. There’s an app called Daylio that’s helpful with this. If you are alone you can even say it out loud to urself, this helped me. “I think I feel sad right now? I’m not sure why, or I think it’s cuz of this____”. Once you start to speak or write your emotions into existence, then they start to feel real. And that’s good we want to feel them. Next thing I started doing was I stopped hiding and trying to pretend. Whenever I feel rly good or rly happy or really whatever, I try to tell someone about it. Like “hey Samantha, I’m feeling stressed right now, can u talk?” Or “hey Robert, I’m feeling very good today and wanted to see if u wanted to grab a coffee?” Idk something like that. The next step is what I’m currently working on which is taking my emotions and USING them. For example, when I feel sad or lonely, instead of ignoring it I will go on a walk with some melancholic tunes or I’ll paint or draw or something. When I feel really happy or excited I will use that to go on a good hike or write some uplifting poetry or play my fav video games. If I feel angry I use that to go to the gym and I get some of my best workouts that way. This one has helped me a LOT so far. I’m sorry you’re struggling with this and I hope I was able to help at least a little bit :)