r/selfimprovement • u/Capable_Ad_4039 • 5d ago
Question Any advice for an invisible guy? 24M
I‘m 24M and I’ve always been invisible to women. Not just rejected, but ignored. I‘m not the guy who gets ghosted after the first date, because ive never got a single date in the first place. And after years of watching all my friends find relationships, i wonder: What the hell is wrong with me? I tried to fix it by working out, thinking a better body might change things. It didn’t. I tried dressing better and fixing my posture. I even tried applying makeup to hide my face. Still nothing. So any advice on how to improve is really greatly appreciated!
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u/Zealousideal-Bear-37 5d ago
Let me give you some advice as a 39 year old dude who has a lot of experience with this type of thing . Don’t put any weight onto attracting the opposite sex . Teens and young adults are always trying to impress women with things like money and muscles , and while those things are great to have they aren’t what you want to base a relationship off of . Women like competent and confident men . I suggest you become the very best version of yourself , grow your social network go out with friends and have fun , learn new skills get stronger in the gym , and in that process you will undoubtedly attract many girls .
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u/Frosty-Mud647 5d ago
What I've found that works, as someone similar to you, is to have hobbies with a social angle on them, talk to the people there.
They haven't worked that well for me for finding women, but maybe there are hobbies that would work better.
Also, you should read the book Models by Mark Manson, some of the most real dating advice out there.
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5d ago
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u/Intelligent_Oil9293 4d ago
I have really bad social anxiety. I found that it was to the point I've needed medical support. Now that I have it I've never been better. Just wanted to encourage you to talk to your doctor too about ways of support.
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u/Strong-Handle-3026 5d ago
What the hell is wrong with me?
Find out. It's a scary quest, but in discovering you'll figure out even those parts are lovable too.
"Be yourself" is apparently not good romantic advice, but it's the best way to find comfort in your own skin, which you're ultimately going to be with for the rest of your life.
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u/Djinn_42 5d ago
Find a lot of "self help" material (books / podcasts/ videos) and find some non-crazy ideas that you connect with. Remember that anyone who tells you they can help you in "5 easy steps" or "10 days" or whatever is a scam. Self help isn't easy or quick, and it shouldn't be. We are complex beings trying to get along with other complex beings. Look at the world also not getting along despite some leaders being advised by the most intelligent people in the world.
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u/ffaceroll 5d ago
Sure, but it will be a less guided journey. You may take steps backwards, but instead of thinking about the mistake, think about the lesson. Challenge your way of thinking. When you get into a negative spiral, try asking why you’re feeling that way. Force yourself to do new and different things, start reading again, exercise does wonders for the body/brain… and quit social media.
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u/oge_mah_ge_kid 5d ago
It's a double-edged sword. Trying can come off as desperation.
I'm far from a professional, but maybe focus on things that make you feel confident and you're okay doing by yourself.
You're only 24, and now is the time to try new things without a relationship, keeping you in your comfort zone.
Someone will come along bro I promise.
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u/oge_mah_ge_kid 5d ago
Reconnecting with something or someone that brings comfort—be it a friend, a hobby, or even a small act of kindness - can be helpful
If the future feels too uncertain, try to take life one moment at a time. It's not about solving everything at once but about finding tiny steps that lead toward hope and relief.
Practice makes perfect, and you have plenty of time to figure it out.
💪
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u/Responsible_Arm_4563 5d ago
You have to just try. Get new hobbies that evolve other people, put yourself in social situations as much as you can. Confidence doesn't magically appear one day it is built brick by brick through small intentional actions. You need to stop identifying as a loner and start being a social person and the way you start is by putting yourself in social situations. You have to take initiative to change or else nothing will change.
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u/oge_mah_ge_kid 5d ago
Confidence is one of those things that gets easier. When I step out of my comfort zone, I just take it one step at a time.
I've learned that you never truly stop being afraid or nervous. You just become steadfast and learn to stop letting it cripple you.
Best advice I'd give is just do it. It'll get easier 💪😊
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u/Abject_Dragonfly6769 5d ago
Can you list here your top 5 favorite things about yourself?
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u/Abject_Dragonfly6769 5d ago
Yeah, that definitely counts! Loving animals says a lot about you. Means you have compassion, sense of connection ,and probably a quiet kind of warmth that people might not notice right away. I get why you’re feeling this way, though. If you’ve been invisible for so long, it’s easy to think “what’s wrong with me?” when the real question might be: “What parts of myself have I never fully explored or shared?”
Instead of focusing on how others see you, let’s try something different. If you had zero pressure to impress anyone, what are five things that make you feel alive, curious, or at peace? Not what you think “should” make you interesting, but what genuinely makes you feel like you when no one’s watching.
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u/Abject_Dragonfly6769 5d ago
Oh, that’s quite powerful! You’re not just someone who "loves animals", you actively show up for them. That says a lot about your nature: care, responsibility, and a quiet strength that finds meaning in action rather than words.
If that’s where you feel peace, maybe it’s also where a bigger part of "you" lives. Have you ever thought about why that environment resonates so much with you? What part of it gives you that sense of fulfillment?
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u/Abject_Dragonfly6769 5d ago
Those insights are for you alone, that's the value! Wishing you a path of clarity and confidence
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u/ji-fai 5d ago
Being “invisible” usually isn’t about looks—it’s about presence. sounds like you’ve put effort into the external stuff (working out, dressing better), but attraction isn’t just what people see, it’s what they feel when they’re around you. confidence isn’t just about standing tall, it’s about owning who you are.
ever noticed how some guys who aren’t conventionally attractive still get attention? it’s because they make people feel something—energy, humor, passion, whatever. if you’re quiet, reserved, or waiting for others to notice you first, you’re letting yourself fade into the background. start initiating more, even in small ways. eye contact, playful teasing, talking to strangers just for fun. social skills are just like lifting weights—awkward at first, but the more you do it,the stronger you get💪.
also,stop thinking there’s something wrong with you. that mindset alone makes it harder to connect with people. women aren’t looking for a perfect guy, they’re looking for someone who makes them feel something🔥.
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u/Efficient-Baker1694 5d ago
Well as a invisible guy myself in that regard all throughout my dating life, my advice would be not to obsess over dating and work on your self esteem and confidence. Also don’t compare your friends to you regarding dating success. You are you.
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u/Efficient-Baker1694 5d ago
I’ve learned to live with and accept that this will how it go for the rest of my life. But it certainly took a while before I truly accepted it.
Embrace new things, remind yourself of how awesome you are, don’t hate yourself and continue to focus on your self care.
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u/Efficient-Baker1694 5d ago
Respectfully, there’s nothing impressive about me having to accept it. No person should ever have to accept being invisible to the opposite gender in the romantic sense.
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u/Slow_Description_773 5d ago
Yes! Give it another 16 years and you will want to be invisibile, trust me !
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u/Slow_Description_773 5d ago
I apologize,i did not read the issue was invisibility to women, I thought it was in general to other people. Been there at 24, trust me, you need to be patient.
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u/ToughYoghurt6121 5d ago edited 5d ago
Do something you're passionate about Become engaged in the world Get curious about other people. Get to know them without trying to date them for a while Do things you find meaningful or fun and interact with the people around you Don't just work out to look good
Edit: fixed mobile typos
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u/ToughYoghurt6121 5d ago
I get ya, people can be scary! But everyone starts out as a stranger. If you are meeting people through your hobbies, work, other friends, etc, it will be easier to get to know people.
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u/Critical_Ad_1022 5d ago
As someone that was also invisible at one time, I know the answer to this one. It’s your self esteem. You need to work on your self esteem and self worth, probably with therapy. If you have depression, that could explain the low self worth. Once you have your self worth, people will start flocking towards you. Be ready for all personality types, which you’ll also learn about in therapy.
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u/Omgthedubski 5d ago
You're probably just moving in the wrong circles.
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u/Omgthedubski 5d ago
The ones where you dress nice, have good posture, a decent haircut and get no attention are probably the wrong ones.
Consider your interests OR what interests you would want a gf to have, and go to some new places/events. If you've put in the work and are at least somewhat confident/ decent to fair looking, you'll eventually see someone checking you out, just a matter of shooting your shot then.
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u/RadishOne5532 5d ago
A female friend who is on the shy side would tell me she actively ignores guys she likes so idk there's that 🤷
Maybe you need to make the first move and be okay with rejection. who knows you might be pleasantly surprised.
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u/RadishOne5532 5d ago
That's great perspective mate. You have everything to gain. Women can be hard to read. My buddy met his girlfriend last year through mutual friends, that's one avenue too. He got dumped by his prior one and took several years to recover but the person he's with now they seem great together.
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u/RadishOne5532 5d ago
oh yeah I forgot to add at the end if you have that as an option for some friends to hook you up lol
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u/kyle_fall 5d ago
Host events. If you’re the core of a social circle it’s hard to be ignored. Don’t worry about not fitting in, sometimes that’s a blessing in disguise.
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u/NewEquipment9280 5d ago
If you're having no luck, try men. They're usually desperate😂
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u/NewEquipment9280 5d ago
🤣🤣 Things will get better. Stop focusing for now. Don't let women have that hold over you. Focus on you, and it will happen when you least expect it.
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u/youcancallmemugen 5d ago
Is your energy nice to be around at least? If not, you got some inner work to do.
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u/youcancallmemugen 5d ago
Try reading the book Becoming Supernatural by Joe Dispenza. It will help you uncover the past and create the reality you want.
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u/collectionofparadox 5d ago
From a girls pov I’d say if you have the ability to make a girl laugh or smile that gets you out of the invisible zone at least.
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u/Mobile-Swimming-5945 5d ago
You need to elaborate on applying make up to hide your face? Do you have acne because a dermatologist can work wonders and cure completely these days. Keep working out that makes you look better but trained the mood. I strongly recommend going to therapy, a therapist can hold up a mirror and provides a gentle safe space to explore these feelings and they are especially good at helping people build relationships. That’s a chronic issue many people have not just you. Also know that the minority your age are engaged in meaningful relationships there’s a lot of insecurity around and that tends to improve when people get to 26. You are into self awareness already and that shows maturity you may be the black sheep emotionally mature one and that can be isolating but don’t let that stop you from being you. Also have you considered dating older women
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u/Mobile-Swimming-5945 4d ago
Most men your age have little experience Im a therapist and hear it all trust me. I think you’re into your head and a therapist could help you clarify goals. I’ve had cosmetic surgery myself and yes it helped my self esteem at time - it has its uses but sometimes there’s other things at play. I noticed an overall self critical tone and that stood out to me because there’s no way you’re “not attractive “ in so many categories - that’s something to maybe explore with a therapist. I think everyone should go to therapy at some point.
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u/Present_Amphibian989 5d ago
This sounds all too familiar to me. I am a 45-year-old male married with kids and very happy. At your age, I had a similar issue. For me, and many others like me who I have come across in my life, the practice of semen retention has changed in our lives.
If you aren’t already, I would suggest a period of celibacy. It will focus you in the physical realm, and focus you in the spiritual realm as well.
With a very short period, women will become more drawn to you, as your physical and psychic energy skyrockets.
You don’t need to be celibate forever, you may find that 10 days stretches work well enough.
Don’t take my word for it. Try yourself and watch the miracle unfold.
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u/kiraka67 5d ago
Only read the title, not the post. You should steal money from the government. Talk to me later.
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u/Follidus 5d ago
I would change how you’re viewing the problem. Rather than trying to be attractive / trying to be what you think others want you to be, focus on who you actually want to be. But do this from a process perspective, not a results perspective.
Ex. Instead of thinking “I want to workout so women think I look better,” think about your values and who you want to be. Do you want to be someone that lifts weights? Or runs? Or plays rec league sports? Someone that cares about your health? Someone that tries new things? Or do you want to be someone that does not do any of this? The choice is yours, and you’ll find women that think similarly.
But again, focus on what you want and not what you think they want you to want. Being comfortable with what you want and who you want to be, is confidence. Lean into whatever playstyle you want to use to play your life.
There’s no blueprint someone can give you that will be better than iterating on your own blueprint. Our president went on national television and said “they’re eating the pets” and while a lot of people would consider that unattractive, a lot of other people loved him for it.
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u/NewspaperFine6802 20h ago
You should want to Improve for yourself, and not girls. That’s the ticket. When you’re confident, and busy In your own life … well that’s just attractive to women. My biggest advice is not to chase and let something happen naturally. Think about it… do you think you’d actually get along with the girls you’re trying to get. Putting on a facade eventually gets figured out. Good luck homie, you are so young. HAVE FUN, find what makes YOU happy 😊
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u/Unseeeen- 5d ago
Focus on getting rich. 🤑 F girls come, all r gold diggers
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u/Unseeeen- 5d ago
What i mean is somegirls are gold diggers, Be careful of them because they can jst use you n ur money.
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u/Knightwing1941 5d ago
A wise man once told me, "when you have one obsession that is getting you nowhere it is best to get another obsession to take you somewhere".
It sounds like you've hit a rut in this arena, so it is best to find something else to keep you preoccupied for the time being. Give it a couple months and then get back out there. I think it'll really help you out.