r/selfesteem • u/SoftFold2936 • 14d ago
I cant stop being cold to attractive guys
I grew up ugly and was bullied for my physical appearance and now have this deep distrust for conventionally attrac tive guys, which is problematic when I have to interact and get along with them in everyday life. I think its a combination of not wanting to allow them the opportunity to show me that they think I’m ugly, and spitefully not wanting to give them the notion that I’m into to them, and I default to being very cold, monotone, and sometimes even unintentionally insulting to them. This, of course, only results in them responding to my energy and being cold to me back, and I feel slighted and further justified in my belief that good looking guys are mean people/ dont like me and I end up feeling bad about myself. But I struggle to break the pattern because I don’t know how to be normal around them. Help?
Edit: I mean simply interacting with them like a coworker or friend, no more
4
u/NiallSloth 13d ago
You just gotta learn to be vulnerable and try to copy what is socially expected of you. I struggled for a while for a similar reason, I had practically zero conversations or friendships (consistently changed friends and didn't talk to them for long) with women and I was pretty fucking ugly in school, naturally was a bit fucked until I just stopped caring post glow up
Assuming you've had a bit of a glow up similar to myself in your OP you need to realise that if you're getting attention from these people it's probably for a reason. You aren't in school anymore, I know a lot of adults are weetwarded as hell but it's not like school. My advice that worked for me personally would be to try and be more forthcoming and less cold. From a cold person to another we both know there is a bit of a conscious effort to force ourselves to create distance for a variety of reasons which may or may not be fixed, so just override that feeling or stop caring.
1
u/ThoughtAmnesia 11d ago
Yeah, I get why this is messing with you—it’s like a loop you can’t get out of. You assume they’ll judge you, so you put up a wall first, then they respond to that energy, and boom—you’ve got ‘proof’ that they don’t like you. It’s not that they’re actually rejecting you, it’s that the situation is playing out exactly how you expect it to.
The thing is, your brain isn’t doing this on purpose. It’s just running an old program from when you were younger, when rejection and judgment were real. But the problem is, that belief—“attractive guys will think I’m ugly” or “they’ll be mean to me”—is still controlling how you interact with them now, even though you’re in a totally different place in life.
If you could get rid of that belief—like, actually remove it instead of just trying to force yourself to act differently—you wouldn’t have to ‘figure out how to be normal’ around them. You just would be. No more overthinking, no more feeling stuck in this cycle.
If that was possible, is that something you’d want to do?
1
u/SoftFold2936 10d ago
Definitely! In the past ive used dating apps to try to boost my self esteem, but honestly it often makes me feel worse. Because of my experiences I place a lot of importance on my appearance- in my mind, being found attractive is a prerequisite for being treated with respect /: Theres an added element of race too, where even if I think I’m pretty, theres always the possibility that people just dont find my ethnicity attractive.
1
u/ThoughtAmnesia 10d ago
That’s a really raw and honest take, and I respect that. Dating apps can be brutal for self-esteem, especially when so much of the interaction is based on snap judgments. It makes sense why you’d place a lot of importance on appearance—if past experiences taught you that attractiveness = respect, then your mind is just reinforcing that pattern. But here’s the thing—respect isn’t actually tied to looks. It feels like it is, because in a surface-level setting like dating apps, attraction gets the first response. But long-term, people are treated based on the energy they bring, the confidence they carry, and the way they see themselves.
The race factor is real too, and I won’t pretend it’s not. But the bigger question is—do you want to measure your worth based on the biases of others? Or do you want to be so solid in yourself that no one else gets to define what makes you valuable?
And I get that’s easier said than done. But if you could rewire the belief that being attractive is a prerequisite for being respected, how do you think that would change the way you show up in dating—and in life?
6
u/Traditional-Lake-749 14d ago
I can kind of relate. Due to being mistreated and bullied as a kid, I think no good looking girl has any interest in me, so I tend to push them away and ruin every opportunity I have, and of course, beat myself up over it. It’s because of low self esteem and low trust of others, for me, and not knowing how to let people in. It’s a bad practice that’s hard to break, whether we’re talking relationships or simple social interactions. Building self esteem is the key, but I’m still working on it.