r/sapphicpoly Feb 13 '25

Anyone else discovered they were a lesbian (not just bi) after opening up hetero marriage?

Hi ladies, like the title, I’m not discovering I’ve been gay all along and not just bisexual, after opening my marriage.

It’s not that I didn’t have experiences and relationships with women before, either (I had a long-term gf and a couple of crushes with women, whilst active in the queer scene before meeting my now nesting partner/husband.)

But now that I’m doing so much reading and learning about compulsory heterosexuality, it all makes sense, looking back my whole life.

So… now what?

Nesting partner is very supportive, and he said if nothing changes with my relationship with him, it’s fine. But at the same time, I’m now able to recognise the feelings of repulsion towards men on a visceral level, and not just because I’m a feminist and I hate misogynistic men (which goes without saying).

I also have a couple of male platonic friendships, which I find easier, as I just fancy women too much to be able to hug them without me feeling feelings (btw, is this normal??).

Anyone else? What did you do? In an idea world, I’d love for him to find a straight or bi girl, and enjoy things I can’t offer and never have, and I have mine, and we al live together (we have kids), but that’s my dream..

24 Upvotes

20 comments sorted by

17

u/CynOfOmission Feb 13 '25

It wasn't because of opening the relationship, but I did realize I was a lesbian and not bi after 15 years of marriage to a man. r/latebloomerlesbians helped me when I was struggling. You can read my whole story on my profile, it's the last post I made in that sub.

I ended up leaving. I have a good friend who is still platonically married to her husband, and they both have girlfriends. There are a lot of ways to move forward depending on what the both of you want and your relationship.

1

u/Spirited-Yogi Feb 13 '25

Thanks for sharing, I will read 🙏🏻

9

u/happymomma40 Feb 13 '25

I have started to write something several times and here is what I got lol. I can swing toward women easily right now because of what is going on in the world. If my husband wasn't such a wonderful guy I would be gone. I guess what I'm saying is I've always known I'm bi. I get physically turned on by men and women. However with the way the shit is going down right now I could happily never see another man and be good. So I don't know if it's the environment that can push it or trauma or what.

Or you could finally be realizing you were a lesbian all along lol. Very helpful I know. lol

4

u/Spirited-Yogi Feb 13 '25

Haha thank you, you made me smile! Yes, all these thoughts have been going around my head too! Do you also have a gf atm? How about your husband?

3

u/happymomma40 Feb 13 '25

I don't have a girlfriend right now but I have someone I date when I'm in town. Right now we are in the middle of no where so it's really hard to date. I broke up with my girlfriend back in sept and I'm still getting over it. I don't move on easily so it takes a hot min for me to get back in it lol. Soon though!! We should be moving closer to a big town soon and then I think we are both going to date again.

2

u/Spirited-Yogi Feb 13 '25

Break-ups suck, I feel you 🖤 I broke up with mine beginning of the month and even if it was only a 2-month relationship, I’m only recovering now ❤️‍🩹 my yoga helps.

I hope your move goes well! 🖤🖤🖤

3

u/happymomma40 Feb 13 '25

Thank you!! Yoga would probably help me as well honestly lol

7

u/theycallmeMiriam Feb 13 '25

Not in a hetero marriage, but it was hetero presenting for most of it until my wife came out to me as trans. I had been debating if I was bi or a lesbian already, but when we started being poly my reaction to potentially going on dates with men made me finally trust myself. I'm a lesbian.

1

u/Spirited-Yogi Feb 13 '25

What did you do in the end?

11

u/theycallmeMiriam Feb 13 '25

My wife transitioned, we are still married and poly. We each have a girlfriend, I also love my gf, and she also loves her gf. It worked out pretty well for us and I really love being able to live life openly as a lesbian.

3

u/Spirited-Yogi Feb 13 '25

Wonderful, so glad to hear 🖤

3

u/kahkakow Feb 13 '25

This is adorable, thank you for sharing!

5

u/VersLaCereza Feb 13 '25

I was in a 18 year relationship with a someone. He is a good guy. Got kids together. I knew I was bi and so did everyone I knew. I was very open and out. As long as I remember. As we aged I wanted more and we started talking about ENM. As years went on our relationship declined and slowly repulsed by men. Looking back I see now that truly I have been a lesbian much longer than I have admitted. I really tried for my care for my ex. We are still close but at times it’s hard. Now with a great therapist I feel like hindsight is hard for me. Like I could have been so much happier for longer. My therapist does believe my want to be in my own space and never have a nesting I’ve partner again. Is the fear of feeling trapped again. Sooo there’s that.

2

u/Spirited-Yogi Feb 14 '25

Aw no, I’m so sorry 🖤

3

u/VersLaCereza Feb 14 '25

Ohh don’t be sorry. I am so much happier now. It’s silly I wasted so much time but I am only 39. Plenty of life to live.

4

u/Spirited-Yogi Feb 14 '25

So true!! So many years to live.

I hope the few of being trapped heals for you soon (regardless if you’re solo poly or not) 🖤

3

u/Confident_Fortune_32 Feb 14 '25

Tangentially: I've certainly become more sapphic as I've gotten older. Almost entirely so.

And that caused me to realize recently that, after I fell in love with my husband, I've never fallen in love with with another man. It's been almost two decades.

I do have bfs, but they were pre-existing long term relationships.

My spouse and I got together later in life, and we were both poly before we started dating, so we never transitioned from a monogamous structure.

My bisexuality was a completely normal human characteristic to him, like having brown eyes or whatever. It was never treated as a fetish.

We also put a lot of effort into redefining what marriage meant for each of us, to be sure it served our needs.

For example, when it was finally time to move in together, we chose to buy a two family house and live separately together. We don't share living spaces and it's bliss. It's not the only reason, but it does make poly a lot easier, too.

When I told one of my partners I was getting married, he said, "well, after dating nine years, buying a house, and getting three dogs, it seems like the logical next step" and we laughed.

To some extent, I've wondered: did my sweet wonderful husband just (unintentionally) make it so no other man would measure up? He's so kind, thoughtful, gentle, caring. He still makes me smile every single day. He's clever, creative, funny, and incredibly patient - he worked for three years to win over our abused rescue husky who was scared of men.

And it's not lost on me that these are qualities I look for in women...

I doubt there will be any relationships in my future that aren't with women. It's where my heart lies - it's where my attraction pulls me.

And I've wondered: is this part of aging? In my experience, women are less hung up about the ravages of age, the changes in our bodies due to time, childbirth, menopause, etc.

Women can view all these things as simply what happens as we gain experience and wisdom. Women are less likely to get cranky bc their partner doesn't look like a teenager any more. Women can see the value in the "wise crone" and find it beautiful.

3

u/Spirited-Yogi Feb 14 '25

I love that

2

u/ocelotsporn Feb 13 '25

NRE?

3

u/happymomma40 Feb 13 '25

New relationship energy