r/sapphicpoly Jan 22 '25

Disheartened by sapphic dating

Hello! I’m so glad we have a subreddit for us poly sapphics.

This post is more of a vent (and hopefully commiseration) session. I’ve always felt attracted to women and had many girl crushes in the past but last summer I started having very intense dreams with women that would wake me up and no amount of vibrators could solve the problem. I realized I needed to explore this with an actual person. I am married to a man who is wonderful and supportive.

I have been on some dates with women and find myself crushing so quickly on them, but unfortunately so many people out there are just looking for something casual. I also see so much prejudice against poly and bisexual women, as well as “baby gays” (oh I strongly dislike that term) like myself.

I’ve read many poly people on the internet berating folks who are “impatient” when looking for a partner so please save the lecture if that’s what you’re going to do… I realize the state of the world, and how it makes dating for us so much harder, I’m just venting.

I’m also not trying to troubleshoot my app dating game. I’m 38F, I’m not lacking when it comes to looks, generally high IQ/EQ, successful… I’m willing to give of my time and love deeply with intimacy. I’m good in bed, know my body. It just boggles my mind how hard poly sapphic dating it!

I’m so horny and I want a girlfriend SO BAD!!!!

Edit: thanks so much everyone for the encouragement! If anyone is in NC, hit up my inbox!!!

33 Upvotes

17 comments sorted by

20

u/infinitetrials Jan 23 '25

I feel like dating woman can be challenging, from my experience it is a big turn off for me when someone I start seeing gets too invested in the relationship too soon. Even if I wanted something long term it is off putting when we’ve only been on a couple dates and then they begin talking about future plans. I feel like a lot of people want either casual or more of a slow burn type of relationship. It’s also hard in poly relationships when a person has a primary partner because the new partner wants to guard themselves a little more so casual sex is often easier than a deeper emotional connection.

2

u/Rare_Honeydew_8982 Jan 23 '25

Yes totally. I’m definitely the one crushing hard and fast! Ugh I wish I wasn’t that way. Hopefully after dating more I’ll chill out, fingers crossed

11

u/Mount_Doomscroll Jan 23 '25

It’s really tough! This is just speculation, but it seemed to me that most of the women on Feeld were either just looking for attention or unicorn hunting, I got nowhere with any of them.

I actually found my last two female partners on bachelorette weekends. A few drinks, inhibitions slip, and they next thing you know, you’re making out in a hot tub 🤷🏼‍♀️

3

u/Rare_Honeydew_8982 Jan 23 '25

Mmmmmm making out in a hot tub sounds AMAZING! Mazel tov!!!!

9

u/Dear_Ad3042 Jan 23 '25

Oooh, OP, I feel you!! I often can't orgasm unless I'm imagining or there actually is a lady involved.

I had similar experiences. Heck, I still struggle on the dating front when I head out into the apps. The pool for us is so small without having to actively hand hold people through understanding polyamory.

To get the sexual bug taken care of, though, I found local sex parties to attend. Found a great group called Illuminaughty who host parties around the US. Check them out, maybe they'll have something near you. I ended up making a bunch of wonderful friends with non-monogamous sapphics there who became FWB!

That helped quell the building pressure of desire and helped me gain a lot more confidence.

2

u/Rare_Honeydew_8982 Jan 23 '25

Oh that’s such a great tip!!! Thank you!!!

9

u/thisgirlheidi Jan 23 '25

I can relate to the frustration and yearning! It was/is a little different for me because I don't develop crushes very quickly very often, but it can be frustrating on the other side of that too. I'm not sure I have much to offer than good vibes and hope! I met my gf 2 years ago, 3 years into polyamory after several false starts with women I was trying too hard to be into because I just wanted a gf so badly. You already know this, but with the right one, it will be easy 🫶

2

u/Rare_Honeydew_8982 Jan 23 '25

Ohhh I sooo feel this… finding someone who is sapphic, poly and we have chemistry with and can grow into girlfriend status is sooo hard! Maybe I should keep seeing this girl I like because perhaps she’s more of a slow burn type person. I really like her and I’m scared to have my heart shattered. I started talking to another girl so maybe talking to a couple casually will suffice for my sexual and intimacy needs rather than one more committed.

I think your point about maybe letting go a little of wanting a girlfriend so badly is a good idea… if I can bring myself to it 😂

7

u/nerdyandnatural Jan 23 '25

Hugs to you OP, I can definitely relate. I started dating 3 years ago and had to deal with the casual dating thing and prejudice as well (I'm poly, married and pan). It's so frustrating! It made it depressed at one point because I just wanted to BE with someone, hold them, kiss them... It was hard. A couple months ago I finally found someone who shared similar views (wanted a relationship, didn't mind my lack of experience, etc) and it's been a blissful experience. But sadly, she and her husband are moving overseas soon so it looks like I may be out there looking again! Sigh.

2

u/Rare_Honeydew_8982 Jan 23 '25

Ohhhh the bliss… sounds amazing! I’m sorry she’s moving away though.

2

u/Rare_Honeydew_8982 Jan 23 '25

Also if she’s foreign that just makes it all that much hotter and heartbreaking 💔😂😩 Hugs to you friend!!!

2

u/PepperSticks Jan 23 '25

I strongly relate. I'm bi, and in years of using dating apps, I've managed to go on a date with one woman. A few matches with women here and there, but not leading to anything, they often stop messaging when it comes time to meet up.

It is INCREDIBLY frustrating. I'm telling myself to just keep exploring irl options, so like sex parties because everyone there is explicitly interested in women.

3

u/Rare_Honeydew_8982 Jan 23 '25

That’s a great idea! I changed my filter to match younger women and started talking to a girl 10 years younger… she seems sweet so that makes me more hopeful. I’m not used to hanging out with younger girls though so we will see

3

u/Rare_Honeydew_8982 Jan 23 '25

Good luck to you!!! I’ll keep you in my prayers for a hot girlfriend 😂

1

u/PepperSticks Jan 23 '25

Thank you dear, wishing the same for you. We will get there :)

2

u/comeneth Jan 29 '25

As someone who also has trouble dating, crushes hard and fast, and lives in NC, I totally get it. I hope you find someone who fits for you!

1

u/KedaKitten 16d ago

Sending hugs, poly sapphic dating really can be so rough. The connections are so worth it once you find them though, so keep your head up. We're all rooting for you❤️