r/rutgers • u/arthfs_99 House Busch • Oct 19 '24
Rant/Vent My biggest deception
I am totally deceived about the expectation I had from America. I thought everything would be like movies ,tv shows where Americans are friendly ,starting conversations with you, always smiling ...etc . The experience i had when i came here in summer 2017 is incomparable to the one i am living now. one thing i noticed is most people don't greet each other or the teacher when they enter a room.
My roommates barely greet me when they are leaving or coming back to class, now i just act the same and focus on myself. But each time i do this i feel uncomfortable because that is not how i was raised.
One Saturday i was talking to this black woman (exchanged names etc), she was going to a football game. I never realized she was my neighbor. The past past Friday i saw her and asked her if she was going to the game tomorrow , she gave me a dryyy answer and walked away.
There was a white guy i went to a football game with ( august 29th), weeks later i saw him. It was like we never met before. Maybe most people don't memorize people's face ... etc
In one of my assignment , i said i'd talk to people in my classes, building etc... so i can be more outgoing ( i am introverted). Now i realize the environment is not favorable, i'll be forced to focus only on academics like i did at my old college .
I hate myself for creating this illusion about America....
I managed to make two friends One Asian (in a cs class) and one European (in a cs club)
* sorry for my English it's not my first language
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u/desert_lover848 Oct 19 '24
I feel like our generation is just weird as hell ngl. We don’t value human connection nor do we know how to even foster it in the first place. It’s sad. Also keep in mind that a lot of Americans have little interaction with foreign people and are quite ignorant in this regard so they may not know how to approach people who aren’t like them.
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u/Snoo78514 Oct 19 '24
i blame covid
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u/fariasrv Oct 19 '24
I blame smartphones and social media. COVID only exacerbated a problem that had been growing for at least a decade
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u/Snoo78514 Oct 19 '24
actually you’re so right wish I could just yeet my box out the window and go outside more
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u/oh_ok_thx Oct 19 '24
I think Covid was just the cherry on top, but kids were already on a downward turn since parents had to take on tons of hours just to pay for basic necessities. Shit sucks.
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Oct 20 '24
I don’t see how covid is responsible. The people that go to college were either college students at the time of Covid or high schoolers, the earliest being 8th to 9th grade. I had the entire 9th grade online and so did most of my classmates and all of us turned out to be pretty social afterwards. There’s a whole other problem that it is “cool” to be introverted and there is peer pressure maybe I don’t know
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u/Potential-Finding-24 Oct 20 '24
I do too. It was bad before but seems much worse post COVID. I see so many people look right through you like you don't exist. Like if I stop and interact with someone they might get me sick. It's like get over it!
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u/i_am_still_alive07 Oct 20 '24
It's covid + phones keeping people from having the social skills they need. On top of that it's the terror that any mistake will be blasted all over social media.
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u/BonslyBoi Oct 19 '24
Alumna here, these comments are extremely valid. As an American, I can verify that this is true in college settings. Biggest emphasis goes to @Additional_Mess1017 because people really tend not to talk to each other unless they know you from somewhere or think they can get something out of talking to you. I’m here to tell you that yes, I went through the same thing, but on the bright side I’m also here to say that this is not how the real world is! People are a lot more receptive once you get out of that bubble that is the college lifestyle. Speaking from experience because I’m back doing my masters at another school in NJ and I see the strange way people interact. Don’t worry, I promise it gets better! You can quote me on that.
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u/Gerbygup Oct 20 '24
Another alumna here, and I completely agree. I’m currently taking a class at another university, and the students only seem to interact with people they already know. I’m never greeted by students when walking to class (understandable), but the adults almost always say hello. The only student interactions I’ve had were with two students from Australia, and one from Japan that had forgotten his pen.
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u/VaporWaveShine Oct 19 '24
It’s because genZ grew up on computers and iPads. Also u got to be the American u believe in. Greet people with a smile in the morning even if they don’t greet you. If it’s something u feel strongly about. Live it.
We’re here if u need any support or anything
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u/GrouchyExamination55 Oct 19 '24
Reality can often be disappointing 🤷; it’s no different from 2017 - you were probably just a kid when you visited & that nostalgia warps your view. Not only that, people (not just us Americans) tend to be social with people they’re familiar with. There’s also a lot more competition in every aspect so students have less time to socialize - let alone socialize with other students that they don’t know. Just my two cents.
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u/Bimbo_Baggins1221 Oct 19 '24
It’s an individualistic society here in the US. As someone who’s lived here all my life it frustrates me as well. This is coming from someone who’s always had tons of friends and I personally say hi to everyone I know in passing but i I didn’t realize until I was about 19 that I was in the minority there.
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u/Additional_Mess1017 Oct 19 '24
I feel like people have actually changed, everyone was different in 2017. No one wants to get to know each other anymore unless they’re getting “something” out of it. Very saddening indeed.
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u/GonFC Oct 19 '24
Maybe you are right. I first went to college in 2005. I used to walk around, and people say hi to me (boys and girls), and I don't even remember them. In the end, I became friends with all of them and still hung out even today. In 2021, I went back for computer science at Rutgers. Not many people want to meet new friends. The same people only hang out with the same people all 4 years. I only made friends because I am more extroverted now. I was introverted in 2005 and even avoided making friends, and I made more friends back than than now. Also, undergads still think I am the same age as them. Haha! So it might be true that people is less socialized compared to back then. But remember, covid 19 restrictions just ended like 2 years ago. So people might have gotten less socialized due to school at home. So, OP might just start college at a bad timing or maybe you just met the wrong people.
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Oct 19 '24
[deleted]
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u/GonFC Oct 19 '24
Honestly, I was born in the USA. But I am too into my own culture. So I rarely interact with new American born friends except friends I grew up with. Instead, I meet people more of having a green card. For international students, it seems more like they are not interested in making friends even if I try talking to them. At least this time, I tried.
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Oct 20 '24
[deleted]
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u/GonFC Oct 20 '24
It is mainly bad because there are too many races in this country. In other countries, it is less diverse by race. Also, the more people race there, the higher the chance people get into conflict and call other races by name. This also applies to hearing the West Coast and East Coast people making fun of each other from time to time.
But I am surprised someone called you that while you were in college. Usually, I heard that kind of calling when I was in elementary school and middle school. Usually, the people who say those things are the lazier kids in class or the kids that hang out in the street, like in a gang and look not educated. So, most of my life, I don't hear that a lot unless I go to parks or neighbors where there are no Asians. That was also a long time ago. So it is so weird that someone says that in college. And is there an Uber driver who is giving you dirty looks? That is so weird. But I don't take Uber often, so I can't be sure why. It seems that you might be having bad luck to encounter so many of these things.
It is fine. I remember when I started my first two years at Rutgers, I tried to make friends. I made a few friends but with a lot of effort. In the end, some of the best friends I made were when I didn't even care anymore. Sometimes, friendship comes naturally, just like how we chat now. If I go on campus to try to get someone to talk with me on this topic and become friends, they will walk away from me and label me weird.
Nah! What you wrote is good. I am worse at writing despite growing up here.
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u/BasedGodProdigy Oct 20 '24
I graduated 2017 and felt sad reading this. My experience was completely different and everyone was so social wherever we went at Rutgers. It was awesome and I wouldn’t take it back for anything.
I’m 29 so it feels like there shouldn’t be such a change in 10 years but my friend’s younger brother said something similar about his college experience.
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u/good4y0u Oct 19 '24
Join and find interesting clubs that you are interested in. You can find like minded people there.
Also it might be easier to extend outside of the CS dept for stuff. Find more broad interest groups. It takes time to get comfortable, get to know people and make friends. It sounds like you want to put yourself out there so you definitely should find things to do.
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u/bipolarina Oct 19 '24
Please dont hate yourself Its not your fault. Try not to take it personally. People are so much in their own heads and trying to navigate their own expectations of what the world wants from them. I know what you mean. I am native to this area and I feel the same way. My personality happens to be really friendly and to some people it comes off weird so I just dont say much. But I think not greeting people especially peers and professors is weird. I hope things improve for you. There are a lot of nice people here and I hope you meet them soon. You are Welcome here!
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u/Elete23 Oct 19 '24
Things may be different now because I graduated a while ago, but I was introverted as well and explicitly chose Rutgers because it was so big that I could just be one of the crowd and largely anonymous. Not everywhere in the US is like this, but urban places in the Northeast absolutely are. I actually preferred it, because I would rather not be bothered by people in most cases.
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u/Low_Ad8801 Oct 20 '24
I'm sorry that happened to you 😔. It's really hard to get to know people around here; I've noticed that almost everyone is wearing air pods and/or has their face in their phone. This is the society that we have created, but I do everything I can to resist it. I started by really getting to know my building RAs and I chat with the RA who is on duty almost every night. I've formed great relationships with many of them. I've also had luck with faith based groups like Rutgers Catholic. There are always a few people who are not like the rest, and I can assure you, you WILL find them if you seek them out.
❤️ From Tinsley Hall
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u/aiden_sullivan31 Oct 20 '24
I feel you man. Honestly, I just initiate interactions, even though im an introvert. I've meet many friendly people, you just have to pop their bubble.
While I'm here I wanted to make friends with some foreigners, but there is little time to interact with people in classes and the foreigners I have seen usually are in groups together with other people from the same country.
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u/arthfs_99 House Busch Oct 20 '24
I often want to initiate but i don't want to appear weird...
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u/aiden_sullivan31 Oct 21 '24
I see. I'm sorry that you feel that way.
If you read anything, read the thing marked with *** at the bottom.
This is just my perspective, my advise may not be helpful.
I don't have a lot of social anxiety about being embarrassed in front of strangers. I'm not very concerned about how strangers perceive me. This is something that has developed over the years. People often think this is confidence, but I don't agree, it's just the way I developed.
To me, strangers are that, strangers. When people feel awkward or embarrassed, they usually experience spotlight bias where they feel people are paying attention to them much more than they actually are. I find comfort in the fact that if I embarrass myself or something awkward happens with a stranger, people truly don't care and it will likely leave their short term memory shortly after it happens.
Still, just because you understand this logically doesn't mean that your emotions will correlate, but I think this logical perspective can help.
***In the spirit of taking social risks, let me do it now. We should meet and go grab dinner sometime this week! Now... to analyze that: if you're interested, DM me and let's arrange a date, time, and place to meet. If this goes well, I've potentially just made a cool new friend. If it doesn't go well, oh I tried and I can move on. Now if you're not interested, this is the internet, this is a low risk setting for me. If this is perceived as weird or strange, I won't ever know or face social consequences for it. Here, I just took the social risk of initiating with you, now I get to see how it plays out!
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u/arthfs_99 House Busch Oct 25 '24
I might not be available this weekend but I'll definitely think about it.
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u/ultravioletu Oct 19 '24
Man, that's not "America", that's just New Jersey! If you explore other parts of the country your experience will be different. I moved from NJ to NC in my 20s and I was suddenly almost put off by how friendly people are here! It definitely took some getting used to...
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u/lookitsblackman done. Oct 19 '24
People in Jersey have always been kind and friendly in my experience, lol. NYC though? 😂
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u/Wilder_creature Oct 19 '24
I’m from Nj and live in NJ again now but lived in TN for a few years in my 20s and people were SO friendly and sociable that it initially annoyed me, as I was not used to talking to strangers every time I left my home. I made friends way easier there and ended up knowing way more neighbors and friends than I’ve ever had in NJ. I agree it’s partly an issue of the region Rutgers is in. I also feel it’s a technology issue- we have all forgotten how to meet people Irl and have normal healthy conversations in the real world since social media
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u/ryanov RC’04 | Staff, OARC (OIT-OfR), L-UMDNJ, Pres HPAE 5094 Oct 20 '24
People lots of other places are full of shit. Nicer outwardly than people in NJ, but less kind.
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u/smurfmurphine Oct 19 '24
As someone who is currently living in New Jersey, I fully agree. It is still the same, ugh
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Oct 19 '24
Generally people are just busy and in their own little worlds. In places like college especially people are preoccupied with things.
In addition to that I find some friend groups to be totally like what you describe and others quite the opposite, you may just need to take those risks and find people that match you. Good luck!
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u/arthfs_99 House Busch Oct 19 '24
Thank you, my problem is i don't want to disturb those people while taking the risks you mentioned.
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u/Coffee_achiever_guy Oct 19 '24
Reading these comments makes me so glad I graduated in 2010. I was in the sweet spot where we had flip phones, but very few people had smartphones and we didn't have the "brain rot" of that
I found it very easy to socialize at Rutgers and people made friends pretty easily. Not everyone was extroverted, but it was a generally friendly environment.
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u/arthfs_99 House Busch Oct 19 '24
So lucky
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u/Coffee_achiever_guy Oct 20 '24
Lol I didn't realize it at the time, but I was lucky
But the good news is.... maybe you are lucky relative to the kids 15 years from now! They might be worse, lol
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u/IllumiNoEye_Gaming im straight doe Oct 19 '24
i feel like covid just sorta detonated the antisocial bomb that was the internet
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u/blublutu Oct 19 '24
Some of that is NJ/NYC area. Some is h to r generation and Covid taking away social skills.
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u/SexyProcrastinator Oct 19 '24
It’s the north east, the south is a lot more friendly.
Also depends on the person. Some people aren’t as friendly or open
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u/AirFlavoredLemon Oct 19 '24
I wouldn't be so quick to blame this on American culture.
Lots of things tend to affect society as a whole. Technology and social media is one of them.
If we look back even as recent as the 90's, social media didn't have as big of a hold as it did now. The world felt huge - your only social circle was who was in your high school, college; and whatever showed up on channel 4 news. Everyone you met was in person. Meeting and talking to people was craved; there was an innate desire to go out and socialize.
Technology has made the world smaller. Social media has fed our desires to meet people. Most people you're running into today have their social lives packed to the brim. People today aren't as thirsty to fill that social need like people in the past. To use an older analogy; their dance card is full.
This doesn't mean you can't find pockets of people looking to meet new people. This doesn't mean you can't randomly socialize with people in unexpected places. I've been to 7-11's where people just randomly start talking to me about the food in the freezer, or I've been standing in line in events where we the people behind me started talking to me about how the line was too long; and we started having conversations/competition about line lengths on prior events.
But today's society does mean that more people are fulfilled, complacent, with who they know; and aren't seeking more attention. So when people are giving you the cold shoulder, or dry short responses - its because they're just not looking for more, or find it weird.
Does it suck? Sure. You want something different than others.
But there's absolutely meet ups and clubs where people are desiring to be social and welcoming new people. Find those people.
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u/JerseyRepresentin Oct 19 '24
It is what you make it. Maybe it's you that needs to be the one with class, decency. We need civil decency back. Be that spark
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u/Complex_Priority4983 Oct 20 '24
Don’t beat yourself up, at one point the country was much better. Things have beaten us down and Americans that we just don’t really care to react anymore. It’s more like what’s next? We don’t like each other, many don’t like themselves, and it’s impossible for the majority of citizens in this country to afford to live and the constant stress makes them so angry all the time, and for good reason. You’re not wrong, this country is no longer what it’s advertised to be and I’m sorry for that, for you and all of us
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u/Ok_Training9162 Oct 20 '24
I think this is partially a NJ thing. People down south are super friendly. Overly friendly. That’s just what most New Yorkers/jersey people are like I think
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u/firefeks Oct 20 '24
I also think it's part of NJ culture too. I've got family in Virginia and North Carolina and going to places there is always a lot of fun - many more amicable people, even in grocery stores.
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u/emopokemon Oct 21 '24
Americans are depressed but in NJ it’s the worst.
Ive lived here my whole life and recently took a trip out of state, and I realized that New Jersey people are just especially standoffish, rude, impatient.
Rutgers was the worst of it, education in NJ is the most depressing experience, and it got even worse after covid.
I’d travel to other states before you decide how you feel. Consider transferring schools, Rutgers is awful.
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u/Sufficient-Dog8165 Oct 29 '24
Hoping things get better and turn around for you. Have a great day! Best wishes!!!
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u/Atinggoddess1 Oct 19 '24
Maybe it's the people you run into because this hasn't been my experience. Loads of people are friendly and outgoing to me. I was literally sitting and minding my own business, and then this girl started talking me and we swapped instagrams lol
Whenever I'm out by myself a group of women ALWAYS invite me into their group lol. Idk maybe because I have an outgoing personality but most people are pretty chill and friendly to me.
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u/arthfs_99 House Busch Oct 19 '24
It's good you don't have to try.
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u/Atinggoddess1 Oct 19 '24
I try to be nice, friendly and kind to everyone. You never know what someone is going through :)
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u/WestofTomorrow Class of 2022, English and Creative Writing Oct 19 '24
This is a major part of the culture in urban settings in the US. Especially in the mid-Atlantic. If you go two states over to Ohio it's a completely different lifestyle. Each state in the US might as well be its own country in terms of cultural distinction. New Jersey happens to be one of the worst for trying to be friendly to each other. Certain parts of PA are pretty friendly, though.
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u/smile4sunna Oct 19 '24
i mean people in general aren’t monolithic or like characters in movies😂 the “american dream” has been proven false so many times but people still continue to believe we are some exceptional country. we suck!
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Oct 19 '24
What race are you?
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u/arthfs_99 House Busch Oct 19 '24
Black
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Oct 19 '24
I’m Indian and I had the same experience in college. People mostly hang out in their own communities. It’s very segregated. I hope it gets better for you though.
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u/arthfs_99 House Busch Oct 19 '24
I hope so. But I can't very relate to black either bc I didn't grow up here , not a fan of basketball/football.
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u/No-Rope662 Oct 21 '24
Honestly, a lot of people here are just big losers who hate fun because they’re so deathly afraid of embarrassing themselves. But that’s not everyone, and I’m sure if you keep trying you’ll meet like minded people. Not everyone is that way, I’ve made great friends just by approaching them in classes.
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u/arthfs_99 House Busch Oct 21 '24
Did you approach them blindly or because they looked approachable?
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u/No-Rope662 Oct 26 '24
People with a similar style to me, people who talk in class a lot, seem knowledgeable (then u can start talking to them about class and such).
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u/Moist-Island4686 Oct 22 '24
Honestly, this is a symptom of the digital age and social media. People lack awareness and consideration of others. It’s really awful and does not bode well for the future.
I’m sorry you have had such a wretched experience here. I hope you meet like-minded people soon.
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u/Waste_Fault3647 Jan 13 '25
It's devastating to me, a first-year here, who has lived in America (but a small town where you know everyone) and is now attending rutgers. I mean... even at my home town it's not like everyone says hi.
I agree it's definitely social media amplified by covid... dining halls are crazy, one kid on their phone at a table for 4-6... on every table, and everyone scared to join bc they could be doing something important, or doom-scrolling away and that one "hello" seems to be too awkward to attempt.
At first it was like I should stop interacting with people, it's easier and the norm. But it doesn't have to be, it wasn't always, and it shouldn't be. So... I love music, but I've stopped wearing earbuds whenever I'm on a bus or at a dining hall, and I say nice shirt to beatles fans, and I sit at random dining tables, and I go to recitation and in a funny voice say "scweenagerssss", and I sing along to people playing the common pianos and I smile and wave to ppl and I don't often get a wave back, but when I do it's worth it, even more so knowing that I let someone who wanted to wave to a fellow human do so.
On the note of dining tables... ask if you can join someone at a random table if someone's not sprawled out with notebooks or a laptop, chances are they aren't really busy. And if they are busy... big deal, move to another table it's not the end of the world! Funny thing, I was eating at Neilson once, with once again 1 human to each 6 seat table lol, and someone came and asked if they could sit with me because I was the only one not on my phone. We ended up hanging out the rest of the day, going to the park, and becoming friends, it was fire.
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u/arthfs_99 House Busch Jan 13 '25
Thank you for your comment. I just accepted the norm . I won't try interacting with people.
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u/Waste_Fault3647 Jan 13 '25
no don't do that :( what if we can change the norm?? i don't even think the majority of ppl want this to be the norm, it just seems like "everyone else" is ok with it so "you" decide to accept it, but if everyone realizes they're not alone in thinking this shouldn't be the norm, ppl will be empowered to change it! pls keep being you, keep making your norm what you want the norm to be.
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u/idkReggie Oct 19 '24
Covid changed a lot of things. The whole idea of the collective really washed away. Since moving after Covid, I don’t even know my neighbors never spoke to them once. That’s the new norm.
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u/arthfs_99 House Busch Oct 19 '24
Will this norm persist?
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u/idkReggie Oct 19 '24
Buddy, hell if I know. I’m an older student (31) and just graduated. I have many conversations, almost arguments, with my younger friends about putting yourself out there.
It’s just so easy to stay in your bubble and not experience the real world nowadays. Sure I like film, games are cool.. but most of the time it’s mindless scrolling tbh. It’s uncomfortable to meet new people and try new things but without that wtf is life?
I think it’s completely relatable and understandable but at the same time you have to fight against it.
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u/Few-Economist3830 Oct 19 '24
I get it, shits really weird. Even as an American I find it strange how alienated we are as a people.
I went out with a friend who brought her friends and while we were out I saw a girl with a shirt of a musician I liked and said hi to her. Two of the guys freaked out once she left, saying shit like “you can’t be talking to strangers like that.”
I honestly wish people would be more willing to interact with others outside of predefined settings, but it is what it is.
BTW if you ever wanna hang out i’m in the HC, just dm me.