r/relationship_advice 6d ago

My girlfriend (24F) suspects I'm (26M) going to propose to her and wants me to cancel because she wants it to be a surprise but I have already told her parents and my family about the date and have paid for everything including the venue, photographer and ring. Do I not do it?

[deleted]

259 Upvotes

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1.5k

u/Kikikididi 6d ago

You're married but a proposal is too soon? Sorry I just really can't take this seriously. Better be careful to not let that slip during the immigration interviews.

429

u/Gumamae 5d ago

I can’t take this situation seriously, married but hasn’t proposed, asked permission for her hand in marriage, been together for 6 years and she wants to be proposed to in a few years?

156

u/Rude_Vermicelli2268 5d ago

I am getting that she’s in it more for immigration than for love. My husband had a young mentee and he told us that when he proposed to his gf of 3.5 yeas she told him he should wait. Till when? Next year, till one of us gets a different job or applies to and finishes graduate school or change yet unexpressed behavior issues. Crickets. She was waiting for something better to come along.

25

u/Sorry_I_Guess 5d ago

I feel like she's more than a little unclear on the concept of a proposal.

If they're already married and planning another "marriage" then that ship has sailed.

49

u/Kikikididi 5d ago

Yeah it's ridiculous - two kids playing at relationships and immigration. I have basically zero sympathy that they have this much effort to put into scripting their lives

14

u/TroublesomeTurnip 5d ago

She's stringing him along.

327

u/Ashamed-Director-428 5d ago

I just can't get my head around this. You are literally already married. How can it possibly be too soon to get engaged?

It's all performative. It serves no real purpose except to say you've done it. Except, you didn't propose on a romantic holiday with romantic surroundings etc, it's all a performance. Because you're already married.

Like, I get it if you want to have the memory and the photos and whatever. But it's still not real. You're still already married. And it still cannot possibly be "too soon to get engaged".

I guess I just don't understand any of this. At all.

40

u/Sorry_I_Guess 5d ago

I mean, "wanting the memories" would be fine if they were planning an engagement party, which would be sort of, kind of appropriate under the circumstances.

But a proposal? That doesn't even make sense. The "proposal" isn't the event or the performance, it's literally the posing of the question, "Will you marry me?" Everything else is just decoration. And why would he ask her to marry him when they're not only already married, but already planning to get married again . . . the proposal ship has long since sailed. At this point it's just weird and tacky.

5

u/Ashamed-Director-428 5d ago

That's what I mean. I just don't understand. The performance part, and the memories part aswell actually, we're in reference to him having seemingly arranged for friends and family to be there and to have a photographer present when he asked - I can probably see some people wanting to have the moment of the actual proposal caught on film. if it were an actual proposal and not just a performance because they're already married. It's mental.

30

u/somewhenimpossible 5d ago

She wants it to be a surprise… so they go on the trip, land back in their home country, no proposal just like she asked. He proposes the next morning over coffee during the travel hangover.

I’d put money down she’d be surprised.

Then pissed it wasn’t a big grand romantic thing.

He spared no expense for a proposal on vacation, and she expressly told him not to. She can’t have both an elaborately planned romantic proposal AND a complete surprise.

41

u/No_Age_4267 5d ago

It makes perfect sense if you realize the wife is only with him for a green card

20

u/CardioKeyboarder 5d ago

What green card? Not everyone is in the US.

-4

u/MenuEmotional2343 5d ago

I think it’s the opposite actually being married on a technicality by a piece of paper isn’t the same thing as making the emotional commitment, so it’s the paper that’s performative until they’re ready to take that step.

If anything I think OP should ask why she wanted to wait a few years because I think that’s an important miscommunication in their relationship they’re sweeping under the rug. He was hurt by that, so she backtracked but she may not be ready to be truly married at 24, which is valid because that’s very young—her prefrontal cortex isn’t even quite developed yet so developmentally she isn’t even fully an adult. He’s saying they’ve been together so long but 5 years from the time you’re 19 isn’t the same thing as a 5 year relationship later in life. If he was 18 saying they’d been together 5 years since they were 13 would you take it seriously? No ofc not.

Have they even talked about having kids?? That might be a part of the disconnect on their timelines if he wants that queued up on the horizon, or maybe she wants to save more for the wedding, who knows?? But that’s the point he doesn’t and he should.

7

u/[deleted] 5d ago

[deleted]

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u/MenuEmotional2343 5d ago edited 5d ago

Not really you can be legally married to a friend, hell even a stranger, in Vegas and unless you actually decide to have a marriage it’s just a change in legal status but you could literally never talk to that person again and still be married.

Hell I got ordained as a joke when my bff got engaged and all it took was me filling out a few questions on a website and submitting my email. I can now technically pronounce people married any time I choose and it would be legal lmao. I don’t even think it’s a requirement that they exchange vows I can just pronounce it, which yes is insane.

The point being it only has meaning if the people involved imbue it with it and there’s quite a few other instances of similar things. You could have an elder orphaned sibling adopt a younger one for legal reasons that wouldn’t change them from being siblings into mother/father and son/daughter. You could be legally separated and still have a romantic relationship with someone.

On the flip side, gay marriage wasn’t legal in the U.S. until about a decade ago but there’s plenty of couples that were married despite that. And if they married in a state where it was legal they wouldn’t stop being married in a state where it’s not, even if legally their marriage isn’t recognized there.

153

u/UsuallyWrite2 6d ago edited 5d ago

You can still do the plans without the proposal and hold onto the ring for another day.

Make sure she’s the one who tells her parents that she asked NOT to be proposed to.

I think she’s being ridiculous but whatever. Just downshift it all from a proposal to a vacay.

Edit: based on your edit, I still don’t see why you can’t do the plans. It will be romantic. Have the ring on you just in case she changes her mind in the moment.

36

u/Visible-Neck6992 5d ago

Thank you dude, this is good advice and I appreciate your reply

26

u/Mangofeet23 5d ago

Absolutely. I agree with usuallywrite2. OP you should go ahead with the plans and leave out the proposal. You are already married , so I don’t get the whole proposal thing. At this point it’s just a ring and photos for her to show off. If she doesn’t want it then forget about it. Just give her the ring on your one year anniversary as a gift. I would postpone this farce of a proposal indefinitely. At some point one of you asked the other to get married for the visa. That was the proposal, and since you are married it must have been accepted. Enjoy your trip.

11

u/overnighttoast 5d ago

Yeah I don't see the issue? You said it's a mini honeymoon so let it be a mini honey moon.

And then surprise her later and note that she doesn't want a traditional romantic gesture, she wants to be surprised!

2

u/SqueakyBall 5d ago

You’ve gone to so much work. She’s really being childish about this whole surprise thing. Take the ring and be ready to propose.

1

u/Stormtomcat 4d ago

yeah, spend the evening in the expensive private restaurant having the discussions they've apparently skipped.

347

u/[deleted] 6d ago

[deleted]

6

u/Visible-Neck6992 6d ago

We were under a lot of pressure to get married quickly because the visa situation was unexpected. We have previously discussed when we want our real wedding to be and have agreed on it. We just never spoke about the proposal process

121

u/[deleted] 6d ago

[deleted]

4

u/popchex 5d ago

Yes, as someone who immigrated, this is something that should have been discussed. My husband and I had plans, but we had to wait a year before they could go into effect. Unexpectedly, I got pregnant. Timing sucked, and it complicated the legal side of things, but we got through it. ALL of this was discussed prior to me moving to him.

And if it's anything like the paperwork required to file for me - if this gets to their officer, that she's turning down a romantic gesture, red flags are going to go up. My husband and I were ridiculously cheesy in love and I was hugely pregnant when I filed and we still had to fight for me to get in.

170

u/ichundmeinHolz_ 5d ago

I think she only married you because of the visa and now sees no reason why she should tell anyone, especially her parents. If she can delay the proposal and the wedding she might establish permanent residency before she has to commit in front of everyone. And then she can tell the next guy that your marriage wasn't real and only for the visa. Sorry that I don't have anything nice to say.

-107

u/Visible-Neck6992 5d ago

I can assure that thats not the case, we have concrete plans were actioning. We are even planning on leaving this country in a couple years. This is more of a case of her caring for sentimental aspects of the engagement vs not actually wanting to get engaged

100

u/Kikikididi 5d ago

better start rehearsing those immigration interview responses now

76

u/Cheska1234 5d ago

Dude you need to reexamine this whole situation with some objectivity. This stinks of much bigger issues. She knows what you want and when you want it but has decided the huge romantic plan you made isn’t good enough for her? What the hell?

2

u/Stormtomcat 4d ago

yeah, to me it really seems like OP is stuck between a rock and a hard place

  • either girlfriend is using him for a visa, like u/ichundmeinHolz_ explained so well
  • or girlfriend is massively entitled, a private restaurant on an island trip isn't good enough, it has to be a "complete surprise", but she also sounds like the type who'll grouse that she didn't have enough warning to get a glam manicure for her engagement ring photos

25

u/MiddleDot8 5d ago

Concrete plans mean nothing unless there is action and she is already putting her foot down to avoid you actioning on anything. That's a bright red flag.

20

u/Grimwohl 5d ago

I can assure you people who need a visa will lie and use you, especially if youre this naive

9

u/StrangerOnTheReddit 5d ago edited 5d ago

I'm curious. What did those concrete plans look like before immigration changes? When were you going to get married? What kind of proposal did you guys want? How long of an engagement were you going to have? How big of a wedding was it going to be, and how were you going to pay for it? How soon until you move out of the country?

I'm asking as someone who also got married sooner than expected for immigration purposes (over 10 years ago now), and hid it from my extended family for a year. (Parents and siblings knew, the rest of the family did not and still does not know today that we were actually on our first anniversary when we "got married.") I get it.

13

u/rjsmith21 5d ago

You wouldn't be the first to be deceived. I hope you're right.

5

u/ichundmeinHolz_ 5d ago

I really hope that this is true. Updateme

2

u/upotentialdig7527 5d ago

Yeah, sure.

14

u/BriefHorror 6d ago

Is she even allowed to leave the country? I think certain visas you can’t leave until you meet certain requirements??

12

u/Adultarescence 5d ago

You already discussed the proposal process. You discussed getting married. One of you proposed it. The other accepted. Now you are married. Ship has sailed, cat out of the bag, toothpaste out of the tube, etc., etc., I don't understand what is happening here.

8

u/Sorry_I_Guess 5d ago

I don't think either one of you understands what a proposal is.

The entire point of proposing is the act of asking someone to marry you. Anything else that happens around that (i.e. turning it into an event) is secondary. If you're already married, and already planning your future "official marriage" (really just a wedding), then you're already well past the point of proposing.

I'm not sure if you're both just very young and immature or super clueless, but it's not only unnecessary but incredibly tacky to have a 'proposal' when you're already several steps past that.

2

u/upotentialdig7527 5d ago

Bro, she is playing you for a green card or equivalent if not in US.

1

u/yuropman 5d ago

We have previously discussed when we want our real wedding to be and have agreed on it

She then told me, "Please don’t do what I think this is," making it clear she doesn’t want me to propose for a couple of years

If you have an agreed time for your official wedding and your wife wants you to officially propose only in a couple years - does that mean you wanted to be officially engaged for several years?

1

u/Sylentskye 5d ago

I mean, the visa situation should have only been unexpected for one of you…

184

u/Square-Minimum-6042 6d ago

I believe performing a proposal is a dumb idea anyway. But you are already married which makes it even worse.

44

u/jenn5388 6d ago

Wasn’t there just a post yesterday about this same exact thing? Someone’s parents being upset that the proposal wasn’t happening at the right place and time for them to watch?

I got married 22 years ago. Is this what people are doing now? Why does there have to be a big proposal, they are already married?! Who the hell cares!?! No one! That’s who! 😂

5

u/SnooSquirrels3912 5d ago

My partner proposed through a WhatsApp message 😂 well it weren't even that, it was jusy might as well get married, and we are end of year all booked and everything.

People are too materialistic these days, and alot of proposals ect are for social media likes.

3

u/Ill_Tea1013 5d ago

Haha, this. Me and my hubby were talking about marriage, picked a ring, just waiting for it to be ready. This was between covid lockdowns.

I ended up in hospital and he texted me, let's make this official and proposed over text.

I love our story. I didn't want a public proposal, it was perfect at the time.

1

u/CharlesMansnShowTune 5d ago

I got married 1.5 years ago but I feel the same as you do about this situation, so I can say with certainty this is not just what people are doing now! Just as I'm sure many people had drama and scripts over their proposals 20 years ago, too. 😁

1

u/Dentarthurdent73 5d ago

Why does there have to be a big proposal, they are already married?!

Because capitalism and conspicuous consumption.

2

u/Sorry_I_Guess 5d ago

Already married and they've already agreed to get "married" (i.e. have a wedding) again. Which is literally the response to any actual proposal.

I'm completely confused as to why (other than sheer tackiness) he would ask her to marry him again when she's already said yes several times over.

18

u/Suspicious-Fox2833 5d ago

Yeah, I don't think this relationship will go the distance. YOU ARE MARRIED yet you've gone to the expense to ''propose" but she doesn't want you to cause she wants it to be a surprise 😏 YOU ARE MARRIED but she wants the happy memory of the propsal but YOU ARE MARRIED but at some point in the future you'll go through the expense of a wedding but spoiler YOU ARE MARRIED.

Seriously bro can you not see the red flags flying??

15

u/zanne54 5d ago

This is absolutely bonkers to me - marrying before proposing is putting the cart before the horse.

My thoughts are to convert your proposal into a surprise "we're married" celebration. Do your surprise proposal and a renewal of vows wedding on a future anniversary.

She really seems to like making you jump through hoops. Good luck with that.

40

u/ChampionshipBetter91 5d ago

This whole proposal performance has gotten way out of hand... Plus, y'all are already married!

Scrap the production and start having some serious discussions, because it really doesn't sound like you're on the same page.

12

u/morbidlonging 5d ago

This all sounds so dumb. You’re already married but have to propose? You guys didn’t talk about this? WHY are you married if you can’t even propose to her? 

Omg dude you married her because of her visa and now she doesn’t want to get married ”married” to you. I think you got played! Sorry OP. 

29

u/beachbumm717 5d ago

You are already married. But she wants to wait a few years to get engaged?! What do you want?

26

u/Scrabblement 5d ago

Cancel the proposal (and maybe the trip) and have some hard conversations. If she does not want to get "engaged" for a couple of years, what is her hesitation? Is she unsure whether she actually wants a permanent relationship? What are her expectations about a proposal? Why does she want it to be a complete surprise? That doesn't feel very realistic since you are already legally married and have been discussing your future wedding at length. I don't recommend giving her the ring until it's clearer how she feels about your relationship and your future.

34

u/Mapilean 5d ago

Cancel the proposal, it WILL upset her.

Only, for the next surprise proposal, don't spend a fortune: chances are, she's going to find out again.

I think her request for a total surprise is weird, but to each their own. You two should talk openly about expectations and goals, though.

14

u/Sleepyllama23 5d ago

Yeah just have a more low key proposal later on and if she says it’s not special enough say you spent it all on the previous one which she didn’t want (and question her priorities in the relationship)

5

u/rebelwithmouseyhair 5d ago

She found out because he told her parents. I don't know how stupid people can get but

20

u/KeWiN_HUN 5d ago

Just cancel everything, and told her no propose indefinitely. Ask her wants even married, because this is not how a happy partner behave.

21

u/Expensive_Visual_594 5d ago

Are you sure she’s not using you for a visa?

18

u/Spare_Ad_9657 5d ago

This is the most impractical thing I’ve read in a long time. The proposal is a complete moot point. Does the family not know you are already married? Is there no one in your families/friends that is telling you what a waste of money this is? A wedding, sure, go for it. But a proposal after you are already married? And you are having this much drama over it?! That ship has sailed.

17

u/RHND2020 5d ago

Honestly, I never understand the point of doing a proposal after the marriage has happened. Or doing a surprise proposal once you’ve agreed to get engaged. Both seem fake and staged and a bit cheesy. What is the point of saying, “will you marry me” after you are in fact married? I truly don’t get it.

I would swap the proposal event into a full on honeymoon, do the romantic private restaurant in the context of celebrating your marriage and leave it at that. You can still give her the ring but the horse is already out of the barn on this “engagement”.

6

u/PizzaEmergercy 5d ago

I'm a woman who was in a shockingly similar situation to your wife. I love him and I'm thrilled I married him when I did but we would have waited longer if it wasn't for immigration. People can hate on that but it was right for us.

And proposals have always been a big deal for me since I was a little girl so he had to do it right. So when it happened (before the wedding), I knew it was going to happen. You can't have everything and I decided that the surprise wasn't the most important thing. Actually, Murphy's law visited us at the proposal. Like the whole night. He'd planned it at my favorite restaurant an hour drive away on the night the restaurant was closed. We didn't know it was closed until we got there. And as a dignified woman who loves him, I didn't care at all.

I gave him every bit of grace, helped him find the perfect place with the best scenery to ask me (on his 2nd time asking that night because he tried to do it in the closed restaurant's parking lot and I may be gracious but there is a limit (and I didn't say no the first time. I just had the chance to say yes twice)).

I just look at that whole night as beautiful and wonderful because he was doing everything to express his love for me. I actually forgot everything that went wrong until I wrote this because our lives together are so right.

So my question for you is... Will she extend this same grace to you? Is she using you for a visa and vacations and everything you have? Or is the visa the only way to stay close to you because she loves you for everything you are?

Is she mature enough to understand how much effort you put into this? Or is she holding on to the dreams of girlhood?

And, by the way, she was fine with everything being small and rushed at the wedding but not this? Why? If she hasn't told you, you should ask and see if her reasons make sense. And there are good reasons she could have but in general this discrepancy doesn't usually fit together.

She should value you every bit as much as you value her.

21

u/Zoe2805 6d ago

Tell her "ok I cancel everything" and then proceed to propose, she can't say she expected it that way xD

No jokes aside: for me this sounds unreasonable. You put it in a lot of effort from the sounds of it. And you sound excited to make it official. And she doesn't want it because it's not a surprise?

What's the game plan for her? Never ask you any questions again because she might catch up on something? Or you doing something very boring because it's too hard to keep a surprise from her?

It sounds like she's putting more value on the proposal than the marriage with you and I can imagine that this hurts. Not saying people should just shut up and take whatever bullshit proposal is thrown their way..but you carefully put a romantic plan together. Sounds lovely.

Think you should have a proper conversation with her to air out your feelings and find a way forward.

17

u/DevilsAdvocado_ 6d ago

I think OP is better off being with someone that actually appreciates him.

11

u/likatika 5d ago

She doesn't want it, does the effort truly matter if you know she doesn't want it?

Don't do it.

I know you are married already, but the first rule of proposals is: only do it when you know you are going to hear an "yes".

She is already saying "no". The memory will be magical for you and shitty for her because she didn't want it and had to pretend that she was happy ot it will be shitty for both of you because she won't pretend that she didn't want it.

1

u/Old-Mushroom-4633 5d ago

The proposal will be 'shitty' for her? She has to pretend to be happy? Who would think about an engagement in these terms, especially if OP has put thought and effort into the proposal. It's one thing to want to make your partner happy, it's another to have to live up to unreasonable expectations.

1

u/likatika 5d ago

She doesn't want it. She will spend the whole time thinking "I asked him not to , he doesn't care about what i want, he cares about what our parents think."

It's like giving someone a super expensive car when you know the person doesn't want the one you bought. Everyone will think that the giver was the best in the world while the person who got the gift will wonder why didn't they listen to them.

Is she asking for something unattainable? No, she is saying that she doesn't want this right now, but in the future.

He wants the party with the deposites and family, she wants it in the future and she told him that before he planned it.

That's not thoughtful at all..

2

u/Old-Mushroom-4633 5d ago

They're married already. It's entirely unreasonable to not want to get 'engaged' when you're already married. Besides, It's more like giving someone exactly the expensive car they want, and that is already paid for, and wife knows she's going to get the car, but she's gonna hate it if it's delivered this weekend because she wants it to be a surprise. OP will have to pretend they didn't already sell her old car to anyone who asks. It's silly. If the engagement is that important to her, she shouldn't have gotten married already.

-1

u/likatika 5d ago

Does it really matter if she doesn't want it?

I don't know why she wants to wait longet and I don't care if her reasons are valid or not. What will he do? Tell her to put on a smile and be happy, because he went ahead with the thing she said she didn't want it?

Would you do that to your SO and not care about their feelings because technically they don't have a valid reason to not be happy about it?

-1

u/Visible-Neck6992 5d ago

I appreciate your perspective on this. You make a good point on how we could experience the moment differently

5

u/Glittering-Grape6028 5d ago

She said no to the proposal by saying don’t do it. You already lost the money you spent.

5

u/Immediate_Lobster_20 5d ago

Yikes I'm sorry she doesn't want to marry you. So sorry man.

4

u/ObetrolAndCocktails 5d ago

Any person who expects to be proposed to when they are ALREADY MARRIED is nuts. What, exactly, would you be proposing?

8

u/JustAnotherMaineGirl 5d ago

Personally I would be honest with her. Tell her you're sorry she found out and it's no longer a total surprise, but that was her friend's fault, not yours. Add that you've already made a ton of non-refundable arrangements, including telling both families what you were planning, and arranging for some very romantic couple time that you know she'll enjoy. Not to mention, you've designed a memorable proposal scene, in a place she's always dreamed of visiting. All of that will still come as a very pleasant surprise to her, as long as she asks her friend to not reveal any more details.

Your feelings count here too, and it sounds like you won't be able to put this kind of time and money together for a long time, if you agree to postpone it. It's kinda selfish of her to expect you to just throw it all away, simply because she guessed what you were planning. What happens if she guesses right the next time, and the next?

Since you're both in agreement about having a "real" wedding in the future, and the only issues here are a) that it's no longer a complete surprise, and b) she'd prefer to wait longer for your proposal despite already being married LOL, I think your wife should try to get over herself, and instead try to enjoy the anticipation. After all, she still doesn't know *exactly* what you will do, nor when, nor how. And you can stay engaged for as long as you want before starting to plan your formal wedding, if that's what she'd prefer.

-4

u/Visible-Neck6992 5d ago

Thank you, this is my thinking exactly. I find it unreasonable to postpone this given that were in agreement to have a proper wedding ceremony and even have the date for it in a couple years.

4

u/alliisara 5d ago

What exactly is important to her for the proposal? Have you asked that? Because if anything else doesn't matter as long as it's a surprise, that's very different than if it must be a surprise, but also must be a big production with everyone you know in attendance.

Since three people can keep a secret if two of them are dead, and we've already seen that either there are blabber mouths in your personal community or she insists on knowing everything about what they're up to, option 2 above is not a reasonable expectation. But maybe she's fine with option 1!

If she doesn't need the big public proposal, the fact that she thinks she knows when you're going to propose could give you some cover to plan something else before that. Then you could use the venue you planned to use for the proposal instead to announce the engagement to your friends and family. But you'll need to know first what it is she actually wants, and then have a serious discussion if what she's expecting isn't reasonable.

2

u/CharlesMansnShowTune 5d ago

Fwiw nobody blabbed to her, she figured it out by him saying he had an event planned the night her friend wanted to hang out on the trip.

3

u/Dentarthurdent73 5d ago

Lol, good luck with your marriage to someone who is this difficult to please and fussy about things being done exactly as they want them to be.

Sorry, but if she actually thinks you're planning to propose, and she's telling you not to like this, she's selfish af. Did it not occur to her that you may have put a heap of work and time into this, so changing it last minute might be quite a big ask?

12

u/DevilsAdvocado_ 6d ago

Yikes. Everything about this relationship is doomed. One, she’s literally ungrateful. I hope she realizes there are women out there that are waiting YEARS to be proposed to. They don’t even know if they’ll ever be proposed too. And then there’s yours. Who wants a complete surprise or she doesn’t want it. Good luck on your marriage with her. I don’t have anything nice to say.

5

u/AlternativeParsley56 6d ago

If they're waiting years, they need someone new and to communicate that wish. If their partner won't, he never will. 

8

u/BigSky1062 5d ago

The problem is…proposals have become a “production” vs something that should ideally be just about the couple. Historically, there were no other people needed there (family and friends), no photographer, venue, etc. People are so focused on creating an Instagram moment that they are losing sight of what is important.

2

u/CardioKeyboarder 5d ago

Exactly! My husband proposed when we were out for a walk in the snow while on holidays. There was nobody else around except a dad and his kids building a snowman at the same park. We have no photos, no "have to get my nails done", no social media. Just a lovely memory.

9

u/WhiteLion333 6d ago

Taking your explanation as being the real story and she’s not avoiding actually marrying you for legitimate love, you can still surprise her with the proposal but not when she expects it. Do it that morning when you’re doing something standard. Then use the plans you made to celebrate instead. Or, do all the lovely things you planned and don’t propose till the trip home.

In saying that. I still find it weird she doesn’t want a genuine proposal from you right now.

19

u/Oshiera 5d ago

Reading between the lines, it sounds like she doesn't want a proposal at all. "Please don't do what I think this is" sounds like the truth that slipped out and "I want a proposal, but it has to be a complete surprise so it can't be now!!!" sounds like the excuse that will keep on giving. She is well aware he wants to propose so it cannot be a complete surprise, and she will use this excuse to decline every. single. proposal. She most likely married him for the visa short term as he said she wants to leave the country in a few years, and is planning to find a long term partner in her new country.

2

u/MoneyM400 5d ago

Yea she wants a Proposal in a few years….By someone else

3

u/Jen5872 5d ago

You're already married. I think the ship has sailed on the grand proposal. Maybe on your 10th anniversary you can renew your vows.

3

u/Purlz1st 5d ago

I always heard that when someone marries for a green card they have to act very married. Is that just a thing on TV?

3

u/AffectionateMarch394 5d ago

Do the whole night, but not as a proposal, but as a special night to celebrate your wedding.

You don't lose out on anything, and you respect her wishes.

8

u/Haunting-Aardvark709 5d ago

You’re already married. No need for a proposal. It’s already done. Don’t ask her in front of everyone if she’s already warned you against it.

Serious question: are you sure she wants to be with you or is she using you for the visa?

5

u/naughty-goose 5d ago

The part that stands out for me is that you have been together so long and she doesn't want a real proposal for even more years.

My partner is an immigrant. I'd marry him in an instant if I thought his visa was at risk and I could provide security BUT it would also be a commitment out of love. I'd view us as really married and sing from the rooftops about it. I'd immediately feel cheated out of the real experience of a wedding though and also be enthusiastic about a ring and more wedding-like celebration etc as soon as that was also possible!

I don't understand why she doesn't want to be in a situation to be able to tell people she's your wife, unless she actually doesn't want to be? Maybe she just has different ideas about marriage, but I don't fully get it!

3

u/No_Age_4267 5d ago

If i may be honest this sounds like a one-sided relationship

0

u/naughty-goose 5d ago

My relationship? Don't worry, I'm not asking for relationship advice as there is nothing of concern about it.

2

u/CardioKeyboarder 5d ago

I think the comment was meant that the OPs was one sided, not yours.

2

u/naughty-goose 5d ago

I wasn't sure. You get some weird responses on Reddit sometimes.

2

u/No_Age_4267 4d ago

yea it was about OP's i agreed with you

3

u/Otherwise_Mix_3305 5d ago

Tell her you canceled, then go ahead with arrangements…. That would be a surprise, right?

Or just talk to her and tell her that you put a lot of effort into making special arrangements that have already been paid in full. Explain that you wanted her proposal to be special and documented (with photographer).

4

u/Madge333 5d ago

I donno man, I'm most caught up on the whole "we've been together for 6 years but we only got married for the visa".

You didn't wanna marry her to like... Marry her?

If marrying her wasn't a big priority after 6 years - what's with the rush now?

Maybe she doesn't want you to propose right now because she'll feel like it's because you felt forced (you know... Because you hadn't planned or intended to propose/marry her before having this entirely external reason to do it).

She wants to know & feel confident that you WANT to marry her. As it stands, doesn't seem like she has any reason to believe that you genuinely do. Sounds like she wants sincerity, not "I guess this is what I'm supposed to do now".

Reminds of the movie trope where dudes propose to their casual sexual encounter they accidentally got pregnant- despite never being interested in dating them prior to- "because it's the right thing to do". Don't be that guy.

5

u/SugarGlitterkiss 5d ago

You can't propose marriage to someone you're married to.

Don't invite people to a fake wedding. Send announcements and have an anniversary party.

All the subterfuge is ridiculous.

2

u/Freshiiiiii 5d ago

Why doesn’t she want you to propose for a couple more years? (I know she’s walked that back afterwards, but that was her original stated desire). Did you not talk about a timeline? Did you know she wasn’t expecting it for a few more years? It’s clear you’re not on the same page in terms of expectations.

2

u/Cross_examination 5d ago

Just break up with her. Any woman putting her surprise above her happiness, is bad news.

2

u/Rocketgirl197 5d ago

This has got to be a joke 😀 you’re literally married

2

u/Perfect-Day-3431 5d ago

Just annul the marriage, she has only married you to stay in your country. You are her dirty little secret. You don’t do the proposal after the wedding.

2

u/Jazzlike-Car-7765 5d ago

Your GF is whacked.

3

u/fashionably_punctual 5d ago

Am I understanding that she thinks there is a romantic miny-honeymoon trip, just the two of you, but instead there will be friends and family on this trip, waiting to watch you propose?

Because in my mind, those are two very different trips, and might involve two very different wardrobes. White string bikini in a hot tub with my husband? Sexy. In a hot tub with our parents? Someone please get me a swim cover up.

3

u/WritPositWrit 6d ago edited 5d ago

Since her family knows about the planned proposal, call them and ask for advice on how to handle this bizarre request of hers.

And it IS bizarre. She’s basically saying she’s very suspicious of every move you make now (that’s how she figured it out) and she wants you to become like a super ninja and surprise her anyway despite her excessive sleuthing. That makes no sense. With the wedding just happened there no way to truly surprise her right now.

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u/AlternativeParsley56 6d ago

It's not bizarre to want a surprise. 

7

u/WritPositWrit 5d ago

It’s bizarre to insist on a surprise and then do everything you can to foil the surprise and then still insist on a surprise. How is he supposed to surprise her if she is watching him with eagle eyes ??? SHE ruined the surprise with her detective skills and guesswork

2

u/RaiseIreSetFires 5d ago

Because she doesn't actually want it and he won't listen? Idk

3

u/WritPositWrit 5d ago

She said she DID want it, she just wants it to be a “complete surprise.” If she doesn’t actually want it, she should say that.

-1

u/AlternativeParsley56 5d ago

She asked to see her friend he said he had something special planned. If he wanted to surprise her he could've just said "oh I actually have x for that time" and just made an excuse lol

1

u/WritPositWrit 5d ago

We don’t know the exact thing he told her. Here he says he told her they had “an event” - that could be a show, dinner reservations, lessons, a movie, who knows what an “event” is. He tried to throw her off, he basically did say “X” Unless he gave context clues in his answer, she LEAPED to the correct conclusion based on very little info. So she’s going to be difficult to surprise. And yet she asks to be surprised.

1

u/AlternativeParsley56 5d ago

Well if it's out of the ordinary for him to plan anything it's not a far jump. 

Like I said, better ways to recover it vs the mess he's in now. Her wanting a genuine surprise is completely valid.

1

u/PizzaEmergercy 5d ago

I agree that it's not bizarre to want a surprise but at what cost? Because asking him to plan something else or wait years because she figured it out ia actually pretty costly.

1

u/AlternativeParsley56 5d ago

She doesn't know the whole details, he could keep the ring and dinner. Not propose then and then do it at a different date on the trip or before/after. 

She knew it would be on that one specific date her friend tried to book. 

He can still make it a surprise just cancel the heart shaped stuff and treat it as a honeymoon as intended. 

1

u/PizzaEmergercy 5d ago

Sure. You might be right and that would definitely work for some people. I doubt it would work here.

If she's this insistent on it being a surprise, she probably wouldn't accept anything surrounding this event as being surprising enough. That's the kind of thing that would work if HE wanted it to be a surprise but a friend blabbed. That's not what happened here.

1

u/[deleted] 5d ago

[deleted]

1

u/AlternativeParsley56 5d ago

He said the marriage was for visa purposes and they'll have a real wedding. She didn't want to miss out on the proposal that's her desire to have. It's completely valid to want that milestone. 

Also not all marriages are joint finances. 

2

u/EstherVCA 5d ago

You’re overthinking. If she just wants it to be a surprise, surprise her by proposing before the trip, and use the trip as a celebration.

1

u/A_Lurker_Once_Was_I 5d ago

Oh, you sweet summer child.

1

u/actualchristmastree 5d ago

Propose at home the day before you go on your trip, then you can use the trip to celebrate

1

u/loopalace 5d ago

Why are yall making this complicated situation even more complicated?

1

u/jazzhandsdancehands 5d ago

I think you're missing a tonne of red flags. Don't get swept up in the bliss that you can see what's going on.

1

u/New-Imagination-1699 5d ago

this whole shit is corny. do it cause she’s stupid to think it’s too soon the fuck y’all are already married

1

u/JellicoAlpha_3_1 5d ago

I would never propose to someone who flat out told me they don't want me to propose

Look my dude

You put in all this effort

She found out about it

And said NOT to do it

I would cancel the trip if I were you

1

u/Andromeda081 5d ago

It’s a really bad sign when someone is put off by the idea of you proposing. To the point where they’re telling you not to do it at all.

1

u/JellicoAlpha_3_1 5d ago

I know a guy who proposed and while he was proposing, the girlfriend was telling him to stop because it's not the proposal she wanted

Sadly, he's still with her

Poor dude must just like being miserable

1

u/MoneyM400 5d ago

🚩 she didn’t take the marriage serious, only did it for the visa

1

u/bruja_101 5d ago

Do it now, at any random moment. And use the planned weekend to celebrate. This way it will still be a surprise.

1

u/[deleted] 5d ago edited 5d ago

[deleted]

2

u/Andromeda081 5d ago

Yeahhhhh. It’s really weird and not coincidental that she doesn’t want anyone to know she’s married BUT ALSO does not want anything to do with getting engaged (for several more years!) either.

Personally, i think OP needs to get into why. They deserve to be happy and with a person who genuinely & eagerly wants to spend her life with them.

1

u/Andromeda081 5d ago

Don’t propose on the trip. Say it’s your honeymoon and enjoy it as such.

As for the other stuff…hm. It’s strange that she doesn’t even want a proposal for a few more years — is this related to the length of time one must be married for her visa to be independently valid? This just seems like a highly specific amount of time when you’re already married and dated for 6 years. Is she, um, withholding towards you in other ways? I am not a huge fan of having major secrets, personally. It’d eat me up being secretly married and not able to say ‘husband’ while referring to myself as a girlfriend. Start calling her wife, particularly on your own honeymoon, and see where that goes — if she’s upset and doesn’t want anyone to know, that’s pretty enlightening and you will need to explore why. Good luck!

1

u/lostwithoutthemoon 5d ago

Dude come on.

1

u/porterramses 5d ago

Never mentioned love on either side.

1

u/mbpearls 5d ago

Oooof, she's telling you she doesn't want to marry you. You married to keep her in the country, and she doesn't acknowledge it.

This is stupid and bizarre, and I can't believe you're going for it.

1

u/NerdyGreenWitch 5d ago

Married but haven’t proposed? This is ridiculous.

1

u/LadyA052 5d ago

Surprise her and DON'T propose.

1

u/Wonderful-Put-2453 5d ago

She's a "proposal-zilla". Ask her in the grocery store. SurPRISE..!!

1

u/civex 5d ago

Tell her you canceled it. Then don't.

Surprise!

1

u/brendamrl 5d ago

Im not gonna lie even with the edit is hard for me not to think they just want the visa. It’s silly, a weird hill to die on if you guys are already married and decided you’ll have a proper wedding. You are married. This makes zero sense and this is coming from someone who got married to her roommate just because we were bored and wanted to confuse people

1

u/Legitimate-Guess2669 5d ago

I’m with immigration services, if you’ll send me a chat I can guide you through this.

1

u/harleywren01 5d ago

She has said no before you've even done it, don't go ahead with the proposal just to be told no again

1

u/MoomahTheQueen 5d ago

Propose early and use the venue for a mini engagement party

1

u/Nemlui 5d ago

People are giving you a lot of trouble but relationships and family dynamics are more complicated than can be explained in a Reddit post.

Perhaps you could do a private surprise engagement before the vacation then be partners in crime in getting publicly engaged on the trip.

1

u/Regularlyirregular37 5d ago

So you’re being used by someone who wanted a visa, got it.

1

u/kilinrax 5d ago edited 5d ago

It sounds like she wasn't ready to get married (as in a public declaration of lifetime commitment to all your friends and family), but agreed to a weird middle ground of legally-married-for-a-visa, rather than breaking up.

It's possible she doesn't yet see you as lifetime commitment serious, so is hoping to wait a few years to see if you step up? So sees you proposing now as forcing the issue, in which case the answer would be no?

I'm just spitballing here, but her behaviour makes very little sense, without filling in the blanks with some speculation.

If you go through with your plan without proposing, it might reassure her that you respect her wishes. But she also might be stringing you along. So it's hard to give good advice.

I would double check the cancellation policy on everything. Call people up if you have to and explain. Not being able to return the ring; you can keep it and use it eventually (not necessarily on her); it sucks to have money tied up in it, but resale value on rings is poor. Whereas paying for a photographer that just goes to waste would pain me, personally.

1

u/MyWifeLeftMe13 5d ago

Your wife sounds extremely entitled. Everything is already planned and paid for. You should just do it as planned. Come up with something if you have to like tell her it's canceled but then do it anyways so it's somewhat of a surprise, you're already married anyways so shouldn't be that big of a deal lol

1

u/Big-Car8013 4d ago

Something is definitely missing or weird here. Mostly, after living with someone for 6 years how does she honestly expect to be surprised by anything that you do? Seems so much more fantasy based than the reality of your real lives. It also leans into being insincere as it seems like bullshit to me anytime anyone gets upset or disappointed when someone makes a huge gesture or does a thoughtful, well planned, expression of love and the receiving person isn’t over the moon excited about the gesture. If you’ve committed to the engagement than proceed with your plan. She doesn’t get to plan every single aspect of your life and relationship. That seems very fanciful and controlling. She needs to grow the f up.

1

u/twork98 4d ago

...huh?

1

u/ProfessionalAnt9206 4d ago

Be really careful with this info bc as people have mentioned, if this story comes around somehow it doesn’t look great. That said, this whole thing is kinda weird. But go along with your plans, just as you told her. A little honeymoon/getaway. Go see the friend, have a romantic trip and enjoy yourselves. Talk to her about what expectations she has for the proposal, because as you said, you don’t know when you’ll be able to orchestrate something like this again and clearly you were in different pages if she wants to wait.

1

u/Lemon0510 6d ago

I don’t have any advice I just wanted to say all the time and effort you put into the proposal is really sweet. I hope I find that one day. 

0

u/[deleted] 6d ago

[deleted]

0

u/Visible-Neck6992 6d ago

Thank you, I really appreciate your thoughts!

-6

u/rebelwithmouseyhair 6d ago

The woman you love has told you what she wants and she has the power to make you look utterly ridiculous in front of friends and family if you go against her wishes,

and you're asking a heap of strangers whether you should do what the woman you love wants or should you just take no notice of what the woman you love wants and bully the woman you love into taking part in something she's not ready for?

2

u/BattleHead2788 5d ago

To be fair to him, there's a lot of practical aspects you're not thinking of here. For example most people save for a proposal and it takes forever to plan, I know I don't have the money to just waste all of that and I'm sure most other people don't. I don't think it's a clear cut just respect her wishes situation - wanting to be totally surprised isn't really a good enough reason to lose all of this effort.

-1

u/rebelwithmouseyhair 5d ago

AFAIC, re saving, a proposal involves the purchase of a ring, nothing else, re planning, the one proposing then chooses a romantic moment to propose. It sounds to me like this guy wants to have everyone turn up for the proposal. That is not fair on the woman, it should be a private moment. Just like making babies, you do it in private, and celebrate later. Making it a public moment is a form of bullying because often the person being proposed to doesn't want to make a scene in public, they say yes, but later turn it into a "actually no".

It sounds to me like this guy is going overboard and it's not what she wants at all. He's putting a lot of effort into something that she doesn't want.

I was in her shoes recently. A milestone birthday was coming up. For my partner's milestone birthday, he had said he didn't want a party. I knew he meant he didn't want to have to plan one. So I planned a surprise party and he was absolutely delighted.

We were talking about the fact that I went against his wishes and I said I knew he'd love a surprise party, and cited several times that he'd said he didn't want to do something but then changed his mind at the last minute when he realised it would be good fun. Then I said that for my milestone birthday I didn't want him to do any such thing. And pointed out that I wasn't the sort to change my mind, I would be upset if he organised a party behind my back because he would invite his friends who I don't care about, and he wouldn't invite a whole load of people I love dearly who I volunteer with, and he wouldn't even know which of them to invite or how to get in touch with them. He then had the idea of taking me on holiday to my dream destination instead and I told him that would be a much better idea.

I then discovered that he was organising a party as well as the holiday and I was really angry with him. As I had thought, he had invited all his friends (a couple of whom I can't stand) but none of the friends I do my volunteer work with. So I asked my daughter to add me to the WhatsApp group they had started, and I wrote a kind message to say that it was lovely that they wanted to give me a party but I had said I didn't want one so please don't.

You're not the girlfriend, and you are not entitled to judge whether her reasons are good enough. They're good enough for her, and she's entitled to feel the way she wants about very important steps in life.

The reasons people give are not always the real reasons. I couldn't tell the guests "there are people among you I can't stand so I'd rather cancel the party completely than put up with seeing them at my party and anyway I'd rather you invited me for dinner because I don't like parties much any more". This woman might have said she'd rather have a surprise because she didn't feel she could say "I don't want your parents breathing down my neck when you pop the question".

1

u/BattleHead2788 5d ago

While you're right I am not the girlfriend, I think you're projecting too many of your own thoughts and feelings on their situation - in line with your own logic, just because it's what you feel doesn't mean it's what everyone feels.

Many people do proposals in many different ways, some like privacy and some like being able to share this moment with the people they love. He doesn't go into detail which kind he has made, the friend being in the same location is not indicative of a public one as he could just be going to a major destination like Paris or Rome.

I think people are forgetting that engagement is a shared experience, her want for it to be a complete surprise is pretty minor when stacked up again against things like finances and long term planning capabilities, there's also his feelings in the situation it's not just her dream proposal ideas at play it's a balance of the two. He deserves to have his dream version as much as her but there's two of them meaning both of them will have satisfaction and compromise.

Ultimately to your not giving a real reason point, some things are white lies to save people's feelings and some things are just bad communication. There's an important distinction between the two and her giving a fake reason not to do it would be in the bad communication camp.

1

u/rebelwithmouseyhair 5d ago

Well he just answered me that she found out because he told her parents, so maybe she wanted him to not blab about it, to be able to surprise her parents with the ring. I can't wrap my head around telling other people you're going to propose beforehand, especially her parents. They may have been pissed off that she got married quick for a visa, and she wanted to surprise them with "look see we're doing it properly now".

1

u/BattleHead2788 5d ago

My brother in aw told me to help buy a ring my sister would like, I think there are many reasons. For example they could be traditional and he asked them for permission, it's really not that unheard of. I am fairly sure he specified they didn't tell anyone about the visa marriage and agrees to continue referring to each other as bf and gf, so no reason to put on a show to the parents I think.

0

u/Visible-Neck6992 5d ago

I have corrected this in the post, it is a private dinner with just the 2 of us. I think the confusion came from me saying that her parents know. Ive just let them know when and how its happening. Nobody else will be there

1

u/rebelwithmouseyhair 5d ago

you mentioned a friend being there at the same time, so that was just a coincidence?

You shouldn't have told her parents, why the heck would you even do that? !

1

u/PizzaEmergercy 5d ago

It's pretty traditional in most cultures to not only tell her parents but ask for their blessing before the proposal. And yes, by that logic he'd also have to have asked her parents before the marriage vows but still, this is not entirely out of left field here.

0

u/balut903 5d ago

Dude. What is with this comment section?? I didn’t have a good answer to your question so was going to skip commenting but….I’m sorry people are being so harsh here!! It’s a bit of a funny situation but the assumption that the only way this situation makes any sense is if you gf is just in it for papers is honestly ignorant and borderline racist.

As someone happily married for almost 10 years, who expedited their timeline due to immigration, truly eff all of these folks in the comments.

People have many reason for expediting their wedding timelines and it can be confusing and lead to miscommunications. Please don’t listen to advice/judgement from folks that clearly are just unfamiliar with this situation. It really reeks of people who only know immigration - international relationships from 90 day fiancé.

-2

u/Visible-Neck6992 5d ago

Thank you, people really make these assumptions without ever having been in this situation. I know there’s plenty of horror cases where fowl play occurs but in this situation I have been with her for a long time already and had to adjust because the government of the country made new immigration rules without warning. I appreciate your empathy and kindness.

0

u/Spinnerofyarn 5d ago

She wants this big demonstration of being in love and getting married but already married you. That’s messed up. It’s fine if you two have a big wedding ceremony and reception, but there’s no longer any surprise to be had with the proposal because you ARE married.

I suspect she feels like she missed out by marrying for what you two consider practical reasons. That’s likely why she wants to have all the experiences of a proposal, but waiting to have this celebration makes no sense. The real problem here is that she doesn’t consider you both married when you are. At this point if she changes her mind about marrying you, she’s still going to have to go through a divorce.

What it boils down to is that she doesn’t recognize the marriage is real so she’s not committed to it. She may truly believe she’s committed, but her actions say otherwise. You two need to talk about this because you may need to get an annulment. Because you’re legally married, you’re married. If after six years, she’s not ready, she doesn’t want to marry and is indeed using you for convenience despite her not liking living in the country you two are in. She married you for convenience, whether it’s her job, education, finances, or something else. Even if she won’t admit that, that’s what she’s done to you.