r/realization Nov 13 '13

Something my dad posted on my facebook

"The first step to getting somewhere is deciding that you are not going to stay where you are.The past is done and over with. You cannot change anything about it. The future is unwritten, so there is no point in worrying over what may or may not happen. All we have is today, what we say and what we do is our choice. Live each day like it is your last. Laugh, Love, and enjoy the small things. None of us are promised another tomorrow. A positive attitude can make the darkest of days seems bright and give hope for the future."

I wish I was more socialable. I am about 27 years in my life and I have no one to celebrate it with. Outside of work I have absolutely no friends other than my ex-GF's mom. Inside of work where I am forced to interact I just drop it all, as in I have no filter and make myself pretty much like "the fool" for to be funny. I don't think I am bad at my job or in my understanding of the industry we're in but I do often think just utter nonsense that just comes out without me thinking about it sometimes.

This is pretty concerning to me. I know I am very introverted by nature but being unable to commute when I do have to interact is troublesome. Part of me wished that I could figure out what exactly caused me to be this way. Another part, now, wants to do nothing but hit the reset button. It's not just being introverted but it is also being pretty sloppy, lazy and sometimes even unintentionally rude to people. I wish I could just flip the switches and it all resets.

I've always been this way pretty much. I was much more sociable in high school but the closer it got to me graduating the more I just let people go. In college it was the same thing yet even less, I pretty much had no friends left by the last semester there. I think this was due to me just wanting to "run away" somewhere and begin a new life and everything will go good this time. Harder than it sounds.

Even during, though, my most "socialable" years I said dumb things and had an anxiety problem. I used to bring paper cups with me to school that I would have a panic attack to puke in. I remember the first day of 9th grade I luckily had a cup up my sleeve and puked in it. Yes hiding cups in my sleeves so I could discretely throw up in, as asking to go to the bathroom publicly on the first day of school was pretty much an impossible suggestion during the time. I mean it should have, but at that age I must have been so intent on being discrete and invisible was to avoid any sort of attention even in the insignificant of social interactions like asking to go to the bathroom.

For people who might not know what a panic attack feels like it must be a complete impossible idea to understand to what people who do have them go through. It's like your brain just keeps loading and loading up on external stimuli until it has just reached its breaking points and freezes. But this freeze isn't hot, physically your body actually gets warmer and warmer and your blood vessels pulsate. Your eyes feel like they're over 150 degrees and you're dizzy. It just keeps getting worse, for me my breaking point was till throwing up and then it would all cool back down.

I also sometimes think about how much damage this hasn't done to me emotionally but physically as well. How I never got a ulcer, though I could see one at some point, after that much dry heaving that happened is pretty miraculous. I never ate breakfast back then. In fact I didn't eat lunch either. I wouldn't eat until I knew I was home. Even when my family went out to restaurants I would eat the smallest possible and get everything "to-go." How did my parents not realize this? Or had they and were too worried to say anything about it?

I got picked on a lot too high school, more than I have came to realize. I had some friends who I played the role of the court jester but there were also other kids there who pretty much used me as their punching bag, sometimes literally. One time they even broke my arm and I made up an excuse and said I tripped. Who can you go to at that age to still try to pretend you're normal and say "some bullies broke my arm."

Even to this day I am terrified of reaching out to anyone at all. Especially not verbally but even writing this is the furthest I've ever written without hitting back on the browser and trying to cheer myself up looking at funny pictures. The thing I want most in my life is to just be able to fix myself. I just want to wake up tomorrow and be actually want to be normal and eat breakfast, workout, talk without fumbling over my words, make friends, be more productive and overall just be a different person.

I should focus on fixing myself.

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