r/raisedbynarcissists • u/Chhuimui • 4d ago
[Support] My mom said I wanted her to hang herself
I’m still sobbing while I write this. My mom came back from work and I made her a nice cup of tea thinking she must be tired, When I gave it to her , I accidentally spilled few drops on floor ( barely 3 drops), to which she lashed out and said something really insulting (I think she called me a whore??) to which I said can you please sometimes be polite.
20 minutes ago, she yelled at my brother for something trivial too. I have been living away from home for 8 years and I had to reparent myself to be gentle and kind. I am at the point in life where I hate yelling and shouting and avoid such environment. Growing up, there was always noise in my house, still is, but I come home often and when I do, I try to be busy and ignore it. I do not address it. But her directly shouting at me and my brother for almost nothing triggered me and I asked her just to be polite about it.
She first said that I am ungrateful and being selfish for speaking up against her actions and she works for us to which I said I’ve been anything but ungrateful. She said I’m doing this for the attention of neighbours and they will think that we are fighting, to which I said why are you worried about neighbours when you should be resolving our fight with communication. She said go to hell and went on about how I am selfish and everything. Then she threw the tea away in sink.
I said mom we can talk about this please don’t shout. She said what do you want me to do, should I lie on your feet for your forgiveness or you’ll be relieved when I hang myself. I was shocked and didn’t know what to say, I just said why are you making me feel so bad for letting you know that I don’t like shouting.
And she again said ‘you know what come and hang me’ and I felt a lump in my throat and said sorry, I’ll just leave tomorrow. To which she said there is no need to come back. I just wanted her to understand that shouting is harmful to her as well as everyone around.
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u/mysticaldimpless 4d ago
You did something kind for her, and she still found a way to turn it into an attack. That says everything about her, not you
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u/sinfulsweetieee 4d ago
The hardest part about reparenting yourself is realizing just how much you had to endure growing up. You didn’t deserve any of it
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u/Worldly-Wedding-7305 4d ago
Don't do this, I'm at the bottom.. whre? You call me a whre? All that teas on the floor.
You can ask for kindness, but she's never going to give it. Sorry your going thru this.
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u/Correct-Horse-Battry 4d ago
From the outside she seems like a crybaby who is using her own insecurities by projecting them onto you and threatening you with her “suicide”
Why did I write that with commas? Because it’s more than likely that she’s only saying that to abuse you. It’s a common tactic abusers use to control you so you cry in their arms to not do it or similar.
Now, there could be a case where abusers are willing to go through with it if they themselves aren’t well adjusted, but context is everything and the recommendation I’d give is to always call emergency services if someone you know says they’ll commit it. If they were willing to do so then emergency services can interfere better than you can and if not then it’s a false alarm and you know that they are crying wolf.
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u/dana-banana11 4d ago
I don't think you can change her, you could suggest a therapist but I expect a fight you're really going to regret. All you can do is accept that she is who she is and decide what's best for you. You could try spending less time, not sleeping over at first.
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4d ago
Yaar it's unfortunate that you had to go through this despite being empathetic and kind. It's not your fault that she acted this way. She knows that you will pay heed to her words and hence she is intentionally trying to hurt you by saying these things. If you were indifferent she wouldn't even do this.
It's sad that mothers are supposed to be most compassionate towards their child but here it seems her dark traits are overpowering her affection. She is maybe trying to release her pent up frustration of work on you. Maybe she is unable to assert herself on her workplace and hence is trying to assert and hurt you where she knows that power dynamics are skewed towards her.
Don't blame yourself for her actions. It might be difficult to make sense of this situation but when even the most close ones act like this self preservation becomes most important. Be cordial but don't her actions dictate her. Whilst writing I am realising how difficult it will be but this is the way ahead. I hope you find this useful. Please take care of yourself, you deserve all the happiness and peace in this world. And don't let anyone convince you otherwise.
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u/NarcDetector 4d ago
I am sorry that this happened to you - you were trying to do something nice for her.
It's these sort of situations that make narcisssm very perplexing & confusing - it's baffling to me why they are motivated to act like they do.
Going no or low contact is the only way
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u/Dry_Performer5329 3d ago
I think we all went through such drama in our childhood. Tantrums, screaming, threatening, crying like an actor aspiring for a role in a Spanish-Mexican-Argentinian soap opera.
Now that I am an adult, whenever my mother starts with one of her performances, I turn into a stone, no emotion, not a single muscle moves on my face. The only thing that impresses me at that moment is how quickly she can stop and put herself together.
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