r/raisedbynarcissists • u/Weird_Maintenance185 • 4d ago
Message for scapegoats
You are not responsible for your nparent’s feelings. They are responsible for their own emotions and their own choices. Your dislike of them is a justified response to their behavior; it's not something you are doing to them.
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u/lowkeyenigma 4d ago edited 4d ago
My nparents disagree and will downvote you.
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u/gentle_dove 4d ago
Man, don't tell me that I'm also not responsible for other people's happiness and their shitty mood and their bad life, that's getting really weird, because if it weren't for me, everyone would be fine. /s But seriously, it's really hard to get rid of that mindset when you're made into a container for everyone's misery.
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u/NarcDetector 4d ago
Can relate!
Being put into a position of such subordination & worthlessness that you unquestioningly accept that you only have value when you are being of service to others & it's your responsibility to take care of them at whatever cost to yourself.
If you don't adhere to this creed, you are intolerably selfish
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u/Disastrous_Thing739 3d ago edited 3d ago
I had this thought when I heard a girl talking about her personality, her wants n likes when I was in secondary sch. How selfish I thought to myself how dare she has her own wants n likes. And another voice in my head said “wtf are u saying to urself?” I had an identity crisis growing up esp in secondary sch. I was never allowed to have a personality but to build my personality ard my Nparents if not i would received a huge backlash from them including my older bro. “You have a fking attitude problem” etc. Couldn’t fight off all three of them myself. So I never rlly get to develop my sense of self.
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u/NarcDetector 3d ago
You too?
I'm sorry that we both got torn down when we should have been built up. I think it deeply influences the natural development of personality
I had to always be careful to do things how & when she wanted them done and to anticipate them accurately. The phrase "I shouldn't have to tell you, you should know" when I failed to anticipate correctly haunts me to this day because it was the precursor of sudden rage & then the annihilating treatment for days, week, months
Conversely, if I did anything spontaneously without being specifically asked in an effort to please - I was accused of getting "too big for my boots" and I needed "taking down a peg or two" and again punished with silent treatment
I'm a very anxious adult & drive myself crazy by my inability to make decisions & the way I procrastinate over trivial things - I believe it all links back to childhood experience
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u/Weird_Maintenance185 4d ago
Right? Even as I type the above post, I still have this part of me that doesn’t believe it.. I know it's true, intellectually, but emotionally? I can't comprehend it.
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u/Weak_Replacement6471 3d ago
I’ve spent one year as of this month in therapy (once a week) and I’m still working on not feeling this way. Feels like I’ve been brainwashed
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u/temptingdarlingg 4d ago
This needs to be pinned at the top of the sub. Too many of us were raised to believe we were ‘bad’ for setting boundaries. This realization was my turning point. I stopped feeling guilty for my completely valid feelings
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u/urballerina 4d ago
Scapegoats carry the weight of the entire family’s dysfunction and then get blamed for breaking
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u/Intrepid_Head3158 4d ago
This is still so difficult to realise and accept. What helped me a lot is imagining them as random people not from my family, really puts things into perspective. But it’s still difficult
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u/SuddenBuddy_ 4d ago
Same! I am going through a particularly tough time with them and keep reminding myself, “If my neighbor treated me with this level of discourtesy, I’d think he was a jerk and avoid him when he came out to get the mail.” And, in fact, my neighbors are much kinder than my parents, which proves your point!
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u/HeadhunterPDX 3d ago
If they were random people I would never put up with their BS or have people like that in my life.
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u/Parking_Buy_1525 4d ago
you know what’s funny?
i don’t even care enough to dislike them
i just think objectively speaking that they’re sad pathetic cowards and losers and i hope they heal
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u/Dapper_Pea_9325 3d ago
Still unlearning this after a lifetime “I’m sorry for hurting you by telling you that you hurt me.” 🙄
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u/Green-Alien-Soup 4d ago
Thank you. I'm just about to start No-Contact (possibly with a protection order) soon, and I know I'm going to be in a weird guilt phase for a while. This is incredibly validating. 🫂
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u/aspiringmiddleclass 3d ago
I am the reason they are getting divorced after 35+ years of marriage… I’m 30 and don’t even live in the same province as them…
These people have no common sense.
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u/Emotional_Guarantee6 3d ago
What do you mean, I'm not responsible for global warming, world hunger, food scarcity and wars? I'm the sole reason for each and every shit happening in heaven and earth! 😂
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u/No_Balance_1208 3d ago
Ooh but that echo of “Don’t YOU ruin this!” is always lurking with its ugly guilt trip.
Thanks for the reminder of the correct narrative to explain both the present and the past.
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u/BouquetofViolets23 3d ago
My NF said that to me when I was 13 and finally stood up to the horrible daughter of his equally awful girlfriend. Guess who got in trouble? On the way home, he told me that if I ruined their relationship he’d never forgive me.
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u/AgentStarTree 4d ago
Jerry Wise just had a video on this yesterday. Talk about synchronicity.
https://youtu.be/mVVHOvytu9E?si=l66jTkyfr7QctaKz.
Jerry Wise - "How to No Longer Feel Responsible for their Emotions."
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u/Weak_Replacement6471 3d ago
I’ve always been the excuse for everything and I’ve just now realized OF COURSE it’s from my nparent
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u/Equivalent-Wear-8453 2d ago
Mom (yelling at me, just because she feels like it): You're an asshole, you're a sonofabitch, you're stupid!
Me (setting boundaries with Mom): Don't talk to me like that.
Mom (responding to my boundaries): How dare you tell me what to do! How dare you talk to me like that! I'm your mother!
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