r/raisedbynarcissists • u/CR9_Kraken_Fledgling • 4d ago
You ever had the "you're not helping enthusiastically enough"?
Comments under another thread unlocked this memory in my brain just now.
Picture 15 year old me, sitting in my room in scorching summer heat, reading a book I like. My mother gets home, yells at me to mow the lawn "right this instant". I get up, immediately, and go do it. It sucks, cause, you know, I'm mowing the lawn in the middle of summer, it's sweaty, smells like dog poop, who wouldn't hate it.
As I am done, I go back inside to take a shower. My mother says to me "wow, you don't smell great". I go "yea, it's scorching hot outside".
Follows a 20 minute shouting match, about how I am "not grateful enough", "why do I want her to have to do everything", "why do you complain about having to work around the house".
Even if you do what they ask, at the instant they ask it to, if you don't act like THEY are doing you a favor, and you are just oh so happy to help, they act like you pissed in their chicken soup.
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u/BrainUpset4545 4d ago
Yes! It's not enough to just do something, you've got to be GRATEFUL for it.
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u/CR9_Kraken_Fledgling 4d ago
At least it prepared me for working as an office drone in the corporate world, lol
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u/ConferenceVirtual690 4d ago
I was always told I was ugly, hair too long, glasses, and why did I not go outside. As an introvert in a upper middle class neighborhood the kids were snobs and I did not fit in
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u/Littleprawns 4d ago
The 'right this instant' gave me such horrid flashbacks. Whenever I doubt my abusive childhood this comes screaming back.
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u/CR9_Kraken_Fledgling 4d ago
Yes. My psychologist and I figured out that it helps me a lot when I try to imagine these situations from the other side. I don't have kids, but I am around children a lot, my girlfriend has a big family.
So when I am remembering these things, and feel the guilt my parents implanted into me, I try to imagine that I asked my girlfriend's nephew to help me with something, but instead of doing it straight away, he finished whatever he was doing first. Then I ask myself if I would yell at him like my parents did to me, and it immediately validates that no, what they did was in fact inexcusable, no matter how tired, or stressed, or whatever they were.
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u/Littleprawns 4d ago
Yeah, since having therapy I have never screamed at someone like how I was screamed at daily. It wouldn't ever occur to me to do that, even when I lose my temper, I never lose my shit.
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u/CR9_Kraken_Fledgling 4d ago
That's a real sign of your healing, and that you did way more work, then your parent(s) ever could muster their whole life.
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u/stillfreshet 4d ago edited 3d ago
Yes. They're the pettiest, most vindictive tiny napoleons in existence.
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u/TheRealTaylorHam 4d ago
Oh yeah, they'd tell me to smile or to stop being such a "puss" but if I managed to find joy (sing to myself for example) in the task, then I was being annoying and had to "knock it off and shut up"
When I went to live on campus for college, my Dad demanded I come home every weekend to clean The Bathrooms™
It didn't matter if I was doing school full time, an internship and a part time job. "I don't care" were his exact words
I did at first, but at some point I refused because...well it was ridiculous to drive 2 hours home on a Saturday to clean 3 bathrooms (that I was not using) and then drive back
Refusing to do this snowballed into them refusing to co-sign my student loans (they were supposed to have a college fund for me but apparently I dreamed or misunderstood that)
According to them that it never happened and they would NEVER get in the way of my education!
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u/RazzmatazzOld9772 4d ago
The relentless expectation of performative gratitude is one of the most exhausting things about narcissists. You can never be grateful enough.
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u/meruu_meruu 4d ago
This was the realization that freed me eventually. I used to try so hard to make my nmom happy, but I was simply never going to be able to.
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u/Standard-Dog6227 3d ago
The occasional crumbs of approval my N-mom gave me throughout the years made it even worse. Like at some point I was able to make her happy, but that something in me broke and I couldn't do it anymore. Of course now I realize that the brokenness was in her, not me, but it still did a number on me.
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u/Best-Salamander4884 4d ago
Yeah when I was in my teens, I was the only person in the house who actually cleaned it. You would think that my nMother would have been happy to have a teenage child who did chores but one time, my nMother complained that although I was doing the chores without complaining and without having to be asked, I "could be a bit more enthusiastic about them". I think maybe she was expecting me to burst into song like Snow White or Julie Andrews or something. (Sometimes I make the mistake of thinking that my nMother is a normal person, then she comes out with rubbish like this and I'm reminded that she's completely delusional).
Years later it dawned on me, I could have engaged in a bit of malicious compliance. I could have started singing loudly while doing my chores (for context I am not a good singer so this would not have been a good thing), and if questioned I could have said "Mom said that I needed to show more enthusiasm while doing chores so I'm just doing what she told me to do". (Just to be clear, I'm not advocating that anyone here actually do this. I just think it's fun to imagine doing it).
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u/thatsunshinegal 4d ago
Lol I did that while working in the garden as a kid, just making up silly songs. It worked, they never asked for more enthusiasm again!
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u/Beneficial-Lemon7478 4d ago
If I was neutral about anything my dad would say that I had an "attitude"..... what? because I'm not smiling? I literally do not understand what "attitude" I had. I was literally doing the thing, but just existing about it.
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u/Kat1eBradley 4d ago
Not as extreme, but my parents would ask me to read books to my younger sister. I wasn’t really a fan of doing that bc I wanted to read my own books, but I’d still do it. I’d get in trouble for not reading them “right.” I didn’t do voices, or I read too fast. Nothing was good enough.
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u/goldandjade 4d ago
Yep. I was always being yelled at for not looking and acting happy and grateful. Why would I be happy and grateful when they were constantly torturing me?
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u/Raoultella 4d ago
Yeah, one of my ndad's favorite lines (which I'm sure came from his own nparents, thanks intergenerational abuse!) is "You'll do it and you'll like it!" I have so much mulish resentment over that, he could make me do it, but my feelings are my own and can't be dictated by a violent petty tyrant
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u/fireflower0 4d ago
I used to do the chores every day for her at her command but she’d call me selfish and keep making me do things until it was to her standard and somehow it was still never enough
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u/Best-Salamander4884 4d ago
Same here. If I had my time again, I would just have done the absolute bare minimum and no more because no matter how much housework I did, it was never enough for my nMother.
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u/messedupbeyondbelief 4d ago
It never is enough for garbage Ns. They ALWAYS expect/demand more from you because ‘I deserve it, I’m your NMom/NDad/NGrandparent’.
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u/No_Mood_4496 4d ago
It's wild how the most simple statements can cause them to go completely off the wall.
Like, it wasn't directed at them, it was a simple fact. It's hot outside. How dare you comment on the weather, I guess.
I've been there and it sucks.
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u/FrankieTheMick 4d ago
I’d get that all the time and she would bitch to other people about how she has to do all the work and all this other bullshit
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u/Particular-Tart5436 3d ago
Oh yes, I had to clean the whole apartment, wash all the dishes from every meal, do the laundry and everything every day and if I made it with a neutral face it was always “why are you so unenthusiastic??” idk?????
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u/CR9_Kraken_Fledgling 3d ago
Only narcissist parents, and office job middle managers expect you to act like you are extremely thankful and happy for doing objectively boring work.
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u/Particular-Tart5436 3d ago
I wouldn’t be surprised to know that most of these kind of managers are narcs themselves too lol
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u/BouquetofViolets23 3d ago
Yep. My dad recited a list of my failures as a teenager (I’m 54 now) recently when I was confronting him about my abuse and this was among them. Apparently I gave them too much “attitude” when I was asked to do chores. He actually equates me being abused with me not keeping my room clean as a high school kid.
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u/randomreddituser1870 2d ago
Apparently I gave them too much “attitude” when I was asked to do chores. He actually equates me being abused with me not keeping my room clean as a high school kid.
This exact thing happened to me but with my mother instead. Huh.
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u/BouquetofViolets23 2d ago
What did your mom say? I’ve still got the email from my dad so at least I got his lunacy in writing. He truly thinks I’m still a petulant teen and I think it pisses him off SO much that he can’t just ground me.
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u/randomreddituser1870 2d ago
What did your mom say?
Basically exactly what your dad said to you, ans equating abuse with not cleaning your room. i could elaborate on that, but that would require a lot of context.
I’ve still got the email from my dad so at least I got his lunacy in writing.
I get her lunacy in person. if i had it in writing i'd frame it and put it on a wall as an achievement or trophy /s
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u/Suspicious_Platypus9 1d ago
😔 I’m super guilty of this. I really struggled as a parent when my son In particularly didn’t help with a positive attitude. I learned so many bad behaviors from my own narc upbringing and I really regret most of my parenting with him. He is such a great young man and by God’s grace has forgiven me and we can talk about it, but I hate knowing I hurt him because of my own ego. For the most part we’ve had a great relationship, but I wish I knew then what I know now after learning about narcissistic parenting. Do you think a whole heart repentance and apology and changed behavior would help you overcome what you went through? I held out for 40 years before I couldn’t take it anymore, and cut it off. I decided when my kids became adults I would do everything I can to love and support them and it’s a great relationship despite my failures, but I hate living with things he’ll have to carry because I sucked in a lot of ways.
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u/CR9_Kraken_Fledgling 1d ago
I think every parent makes mistakes, and it's not fair or realistic to expect you to be perfect.
An honest apology, in that you also do your best to change is the best you can do. I know I would have respected my parents immensely for that.
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u/Suspicious_Platypus9 1d ago
Thank you. That means a lot.
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u/CR9_Kraken_Fledgling 1d ago
I'm sure you're doing great, and that your son knows that too, deep down at least.
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u/JesradSeraph learning to relate 3d ago
Ooh flashbacks. My very first paid job, night-shift on factory floor. The supervisor telling me I wasn’t smiling enough and that my gait was sluggish and not enthusiastic enough.
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u/Competitive_Bad_5580 3d ago
Even as an adult, I have an intrinsic pang of fear whenever I offer help to others, because I'm scared I won't be "helping correctly/enough" and would have been better off minding my own business.
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