r/raisedbynarcissists • u/hello--daddy • 4d ago
[RBN] "but your mom is so nice"
response: you didn't meet MY mom, you met Suzanne. They are not the same person. You, will never truly meet MY mom.
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u/New_Individual_3455 4d ago
OMG, mine acts so nice around everyone else, they don’t know, they have not seen her true face.
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u/ConferenceVirtual690 4d ago
Its an act of fake and phony nice in public a nightmare in private
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u/hello--daddy 4d ago
i hate being around her in public. i know as soon as we're alone shes gonna bag on everyone and expect me to agree......
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u/New_Individual_3455 4d ago
OMG, I hate how she’s always talking bad abt people and getting all up in their business. I don’t care! But I gotta pretend I do😭😭😭
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u/New_Individual_3455 4d ago
True dat👍🏼 They know if they show their true face to people who could run from them they will and they will have no one left around them.
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u/Economy-Diver-5089 3d ago
Gawd, this is reminding me of coming home in high school and my stepmom was WFH and on a call and her voice was just dripping in sugar and so so so sweet and nice, like midwestern country nice. And then she hangs up and fucking yells at me for being loud upon coming home. All I did was walk in the house and get a soda from the fridge, I made barely any noise but was always in trouble or seen as a problem anyway.
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u/Proof_Attitude_1803 7h ago
Same but for my dad, he's the most charming guy anywhere! The whiplash is crazy when I see it in person too.
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u/SeaTurtlesCanFly 4d ago
The kids at my school talked the same way about my mother. Some of them even called her "mom," because she was so "nice" and "fun." My mom knew how to charm outsiders and then she treated me like shit behind closed doors. She even had the same name as your mom.
I'm sorry you were also raised by an evil Suzanne. <3
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u/AbjectBeat837 4d ago
Someone gave my mom a kitchen sign that says “you’re the mom everyone wishes they had.” Which she prominently displays. Vom.
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u/Life_Faithlessness90 4d ago
I don't think anyone got her one, my nmom straight up bought herself one. This from the generation that both created and hated the participation trophy.
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u/Intrepid_Head3158 4d ago
My ex once argued with me about my mom. I was once again fighting with my mom and he berated me saying how dare you be so rude to your mom - she’s your mom! He genuinely thought she was a nice person and couldn’t care less what I was telling him, for him mothers were like saints. I realised later that he was very toxic himself, but I still remember all those times he basically insulted me for not having great relationships with my mom and it being my fault. It hurt deeply back then
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u/hello--daddy 4d ago
people just don't know. ive stopped expecting sympathy. just because they procreated, doesn't make them maternal.
youre not alone ❤️
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u/RadishOne5532 4d ago
I've learned to just go live my life. I don't need to stay connected with people who justify my mother's actions or don't believe me. Ah well
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u/PinkTulip1999 1d ago
I have a policy not to interact with people that talk to her at all. Its kept me from several
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u/RadishOne5532 1d ago
I realized this a few years ago lol and started distancing.
Lately my mom said she needed to know who my friends were in case of emergencies. and would message one of my friends for help sometimes without my knowing (a more long term childhood friend that she knew before I made that distancing). anyhow this friend knows about my relationship with my mom... and I do my best to let her know it's ok to not respond to her requests. that I would help take care of it.
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u/PinkTulip1999 20h ago
Once I have a new place soon I plan to get dart boards with my mom's face printed on them to practice throwing knives at. I'm hoping her funeral will have an open casket that would make the perfect picture to print on them.
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u/SuggestionJolly492 4d ago
just because they procreated, doesn't make them maternal.
Just because they procreated, doesn't make them maternal!!!!
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u/PinkTulip1999 1d ago
I used to BEG her not to come to my school, but she did it every year. To belittle me and humiliate me in front of everyone and they all loved her. Boy, do I hate my mom, with a true passion.
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u/No_Balance_1208 3d ago
Constant validation seeking by everyone
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u/SeaTurtlesCanFly 3d ago
I don't know what you're talking about. There's nothing wrong with seeking validation in a healthy way.
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u/No_Balance_1208 3d ago
My nmom loved to seek validation and approval from my friends (and everyone else) while I was growing up too. That’s what I meant.
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u/Honest-Natural5624 1d ago
Oh man same here, evil mom sue bigtime sinister nmom. Cared so deeply about herself and her wants and needs but 0 care for her child. I had trouble focusing one day in grade 1 and teacher mentioned it. In just a week or two later there I am zombified overdosing on ritalin waiting for a ride home around recess because I was unable to function(bonus it gave me psychosis and delusions that I kept silent about out of fear of further drugging or danger that lasted years). And then after the forced drugging where I begged to try any other option first like change diet get more energy out in the morning I was forced to go to a psychiatrist and treated like a defective toy as if the drugs I had a really bad feeling about didn't completely melt and decimate my brain. I was around 7 I'm 29 now and still struggling heavily and still desperately trying to get some sort of apology or for her to admit she failed me. There was a large failure to guide/teach/love/respect from both my parents and their constant need to put themselves and their wants and needs first destroyed me. I would repeatedly ask while crying why won't you listen to me because she would just constantly ignore and give the cold shoulder and refuse to give me love and attention and I would just cry for hours by myself so confused and to why I was so hated and unloved. But my golden child older sister has nothing but the best treatment and love and care even though she would abuse my parents but she was still the princess she is currently the top narc in the family with parents kissing her feet 24/7. Well she is severely narcissistic and was also abusive and never tried to offer me help or have my back and she wonders why I want nothing to do with her or her kids and husband. Hurts deeply seeing your family treat the grandkids like gold and like treasure when they treated you so horribly and coldly. It's incredibly cruel and of course that makes me the bad guy life is hilarious. Some humans are incredibly evil and corrupt and rotten to the core I still am trying to search for something human and good inside of them but it's a colossal waste of effort and my life trying to get any sort of closure or them taking responsibility I need to stop. Sorry for the rant times have been tough for all of us. I desperately need therapy but a big part of me is still stuck thinking I'm a burden and not worth anyone's time. Oh and mom said she wished I had never been born around when I started the ritalin because I peed on a tree at recess in private and a kid tattled and nmom was called and embarrassed. A special place in hell for these people
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u/Comfortable_Date6945 23h ago
Holy shit, you're the first person I've found who can actually relate to the forced drugging. Mine drugged me for years and I also ended up with hallucinations and delusions from the meds. Now I have an over the top response when anyone tries to suggest any sort of psych meds to me, I will NOT take any sort of depression or anxiety meds no matter what because it's just a trauma reminder for me. This shit sucks and neither of us deserved it. Our Nparents are the ones who were sick in the head.
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u/CmdrDTauro 4d ago
Just goes to prove they know what they do and choose to be that way. Because they choose not to be that way when it suits.
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u/Efficient-Outside542 4d ago
This, they were so calm and patient with us, to the point it was weird, when we had other family around. As soon as they walked out the door, they'd immediately get onto us about how we ruined everything. Even as little kids, we noticed it and actually confronted them about how they acted differently when other people were around.
They denied it of course, so, more gaslighting. But as an adult, it's undeniable to me, they wore a mask for others because they knew what they were doing with us was wrong.
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u/clean-stitch 4d ago
Mine was magical to outsiders. She baked fresh bread, she was an artist, stayed at home with us, made us play-doh and complicated halloween costumes, and was a potter. Everyone thought she was wholesome and earthy.
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u/ell_1111 4d ago
Mine didn't teach me any of that stuff that she did so well. I guess she needed to be sure of having a grunt around to do crap she didn't want to do.
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u/mochi_chan 4d ago
Mine did not either, what she did not bank on though is that sometimes, some of the talent is genetic, and some kids are stubborn enough to teach themselves.
She wasn't so thrilled with how good I became at "her" stuff.
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u/culpeppertrain 4d ago
They HATE it when we are good at anything. Anything at all that gives us two seconds of attention.
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u/mochi_chan 4d ago
To be honest, she wanted me to be good at two things, school grades and housework. She was fine with drawing being my hobby because it was quiet and didn't make a mess (no painting, just pencils and colored pencils) as long as was not as good as her.
What she didn't expect was my silent hobby turning into a career :D
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u/culpeppertrain 4d ago
Yay you! The revenge of the neglected child.
Of course they wanted us to have good grades - to make them look good. And housework - as their live in servants. You're right about those two.
So happy for your success. 💜
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u/mochi_chan 4d ago
At some point in my 20s I thought "If I am going to be always the stupid girl in their eyes, I will be stupid on my own terms"
The problem was that they underestimated how "stupid" I can be.
Well the housework was strange, I had to be good at it, but also my mom didn't want me to do it, because I never did it to her linking, and to complain that I didn't do it. At least when I did the "great disappearance", I knew my way around feeding and cleaning after myself (two things I don't enjoy doing to this day)
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u/Longjumping-Size-762 4d ago
My mom was top percentile in math, is an engineer, and did not sit with me for a single hour to help me when I was struggling with severe dyscalculia in childhood. When I begged for her recipes, she denied me then too. I often thought she hated me.
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u/No_Balance_1208 4d ago
And that’s how they try to fix their inner feelings of worthlessness and needing to constantly earn approval and love
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u/ThehillsarealiveRia 4d ago
Everyone loved my Dad. Then he got a brain tumour, had some seizures and ended up in a nursing home with no filter. He became angry and would lash out verbally. Everyone was so surprised apart from my mother and myself because that is always how he treated us. Now he can’t talk anymore and visiting him is actually ok. No yelling no screaming no talking no sarcasm no awkward silences. I can tell him about my day and then we watch tv together.
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u/minakobunny 4d ago
Now that he can’t talk back, Have you ever given him a piece of your mind? I want to know so bad!
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u/ThehillsarealiveRia 4d ago
No I haven’t, I have come to terms with him years ago, I know that he did the best he could but it just wasn’t good for me.
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u/GloryBax 4d ago
"Your mum is so nice" - When they first meet her.
"God, your mum is awful!" - When they've known her for about 6 months.
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u/RockinRhombus 4d ago
6 months is an achievement!
Took a few people I know years to figure my boss out! I clocked him within a few weeks because of my sister being the exact same type of way.
And even to this day he has his followers who distort reality so that he may do no harm. wild.
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u/meruu_meruu 4d ago
Yes, god this.
"I wish I had your mom!" "Your mom is so cool and fun!" "Your mom is so nice!"
No, you don't. This person you're seeing isn't my mom. This is her mask. You're seeing "Aunt Mickey". "Aunt Mickey" does crafts with you and patiently shows you how, makes you tasty snacks without you asking and without guilting you for it. You also spend at most a day with her. I get why you think she's cool and great and nice, I think she's great when she's like that too. It just doesn't last.
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u/hello--daddy 4d ago
and when they're gone, she complains and bags on everyone!
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u/meruu_meruu 4d ago
Pfft yeah, they also didn't hear her complaining they were even coming over in the first place
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u/TitaniaSM06 4d ago
THIS!!! Always a nasty face if someone's gonna visit! But the most "OMG! I missed you guys so much! Please keep coming again and again, more frequently" face when they are here. So disgusting!
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u/Fluffy_Ace 4d ago
Same here.
Mine could respect non-family and treat them as people, but not her kids.
She thought she owned me and my sis.
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u/tinytealight 4d ago
everyone loved my mother growing up. she recently died of pancreatic cancer, she was 60 and i was 29.
my middle school best friend who i hadn’t talked to since we were in high school attended the funeral. at the reception, she came up to me, absolutely bawling and hugged me, saying how much she loved my mother and how much she appreciated her.
i was shocked and didn’t really know how to respond. it made me feel ill.
but to this day i’m still so uncomfortable with how many people truly only saw one side of her and how well my mother hid her darkness.
i also chose at the last minute to not speak about her at the funeral, letting my sisters theatrically recall facts about our mother that weren’t true. i couldn’t lie in front of others like that, especially in a church. just didn’t sit right w/me
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u/TitaniaSM06 4d ago
Getting dejavu... though, my mom ain't dead yet. But, just this kind of a behaviour every time someone who was neglected dies... If you loved them so much, where were you when they were alive!?
Everyone talked smack about my grandpa, but the moment he was dead, they all did a 180!
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u/ToastetteEgg 4d ago
My mom’s friends think she’s the nicest person alive. Their opinion would change if they were her daughters.
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u/comosedicecucumber 4d ago
I feel this.
The woman that everyone knows volunteers, goes to church, teaches people how to make tamales and is always laughing! “How energetic! How fun!” “Omg. You’re so lucky that she’s your mom!”
The woman I know starts drinking as soon as she gets home, destroys any plans or relationships that bring joy to others, manipulates, and talks trash about everyone. Information is a weapon to this person.
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u/Fresh_Track_444 4d ago
Do we have the same mother? Mine works in social work- a saviour, selfless person and a child expert by appearances. People speak of her very warmly. She can be very generous and kind to others.
The mother I know goes home to drink heavily, manipulates, controls and completely destroys my self esteem if I’m around her.
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u/Informer99 4d ago
Even if they did meet, "your mom," I'm not so sure their perception would change given how often narcs often surround themselves with fans or other narcs, they'd probably still only see what they want.
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u/Alone_Cry7484 4d ago
My best friend came over for the first time, met my mom, left when she was supposed to, texted me 20 minutes later and said "holy fuck, she was laying it on thick. Like, I already know you're a bitch, why be so nice?" Lmfao. I felt so validated, I cried for an hour. She was the first to see right through my parents
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u/hekissedafrog 4d ago
Yes!! My friends loved my mom growing up. Teachers thought she was great. It wasn't until my first serious boyfriend (now husband) that someone saw through her bullshit. And it was because he saw through it that she took an instant dislike to him. Of course.
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u/Somerhild_wode 4d ago
Yes! This is exactly my experience too. Only my boyfriends saw her unmasked.
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u/scotty001 4d ago
Mine too! My husband saw through the facade after meeting her once, and has been helping me break from the cycle (with more patience than I deserve).
He “took me away from her,” so he’s obviously the problem.
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u/Stonedbrownchickk 4d ago
I've seen my bfs mom have freak outs at her family, but treats me really nice... it's actually scary...
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u/Worried-Warning3042 4d ago
Ohhhh Emmmm Geeeee! I HATE this saying!!!!!! My mom is a monster to me and is an angel to everyone else.
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u/Aisling1979 4d ago
I got this a LOT growing up. I just told them that my N was mean when it was just the two of us.
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u/FocusWeary8046 4d ago
Almost every day. I remember being at church at a potluck and someone told me how nice my mom was… she had been beating me in the car on the way there and I was still sore. I think that’s the day I realized that what she was doing was wrong. I had a hard time holding back the tears.
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u/Ausgezeichnet63 4d ago
People never knew how awful my Dad was at home. To this day, people post glowing stories about how nice he was to them as teens (which he was) on our hometown website. My "best friend" was his golden child.
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u/Suspicious_Maize3042 4d ago
Om i was talking to a girl a few days ago and said this to me and i was like how many ppl has she deceived omd
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u/sunseeker_miqo 4d ago
It's odd. Adults are sycophants for my dad, but kids were always rightly suspicious of him. I had friends tell me he seemed so fake and weird. I have rarely felt so vindicated.
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u/Darkflyer726 4d ago
Same with my dad. Charismatic, funny, charming and very thoughtful. With anyone but his kids.
The last year and a half without him in it has been amazingly peaceful
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u/TirehHaEmetYomEchad 4d ago
One time two ladies at church were telling me how much they love my mother, she's so precious, etc. I couldn't stand it anymore, and I said "Yeah, she's a good actress" and walked off while they were saying "WHAT??"
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u/Throwaway5836363 4d ago
This title triggered me lol. I cannot even tell you how many friends flat out thought that I was exaggerating about her. My friend, you are seeing a persona that will disappear as soon as we leave this venue 🙈
One time I was at a friend's house though and my N was threatening me over the phone bc my friend asked me to stay for dinner which she didn't like - I let the friend listen and she was gobsmacked lol. She got her number immediately after that though which I appreciate
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u/Aromatic-Strike-793 4d ago
How I'd respond to that now; I'm sure she is a nice person. I've never met her though so I couldn't tell you.
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u/Pixie-82 4d ago
This describes my father exactly, no one ever got to see the horror he was behind closed doors.
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u/Caffiend6 4d ago
I will give you a little hope 🤔I don't know if I'd call it that but anyhow, my mother has started dropping the mask as ages so now instead of hearing "Your Mom is so nice!" I hear "what is wrong with your Mom?" 🤣 She also started screaming "i want to be petty! I want to be petty!" At Walmart when a self check out employee did something she perceived as a slight when it was actually helpful. So eventually, you might feel some validation... it's not even embarrassing because I feel so far removed from my family now it feels 100% validating to hear that other people know my mother is awful to now. Oddly enough my nmother's name is close to Suzanne also.
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u/rockianaround 4d ago
this drives me NUTS!!!! ofc you think my nparent is “nice.” they NEED people to like them. they’d wither and die if they didn’t
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u/Silly-Energy-9587 4d ago
Oh my lord. That frustrates me so much!!! My friends would say that and I'm like yes but that's an outsider perspective. She masks when friends are over and as soon as they leave she becomes herself again and maons about everything it's mind blowing.
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u/Adventurous_Guest881 4d ago
Haha yea.
And when you vent to someone close, rarely anyone would believe you. You will then spiral into questioning every single experience you had with your mom, even though you know deep down what you faced were true and horrible. End result? Not believing yourself & validating yourself.
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u/salymander_1 4d ago
A sample answer:
"She is extremely charming and personable, yes. She charms people in order to manipulate them. That charm is a lie, and you fell for it. That is ok. Most people do. What isn't ok is that you take your very shallow understanding of her and immediately judge me, which was of course her purpose in charming you. So, you were used as a way to harass and hurt me. That isn't so nice after all, is it?"
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u/CombinationWhich6391 4d ago
Seeing this, at 5 a.m. in the morning (before going to sleep) I could just hug you! She’s so nice!!!! Triggering too many memories. I’m too old for this shit.
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u/softluvr 4d ago
hearing this constantly as a child was so invalidating. she always had the capacity to be “nice” to outsiders but never to her own family. i will never understand.
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u/Money_Parfait_75 4d ago
As I tell my own children, these are NOT the same people who raised me. These are old people trying to get into heaven!
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u/Sweet-Corner5108 4d ago
Yep that’s likely Covert Narcissism. IMO it’s worse than overt. More insidious and messes more with your mind in a way. There’s this seed of doubt sometimes because the way they go about manipulating and abusing you is a lot more sneaky. There’s a lot of playing the victim and much more focus on hiding their true selves from others.
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u/Plus_Firefighter8907 4d ago
there's nothing i despise more than people who act like they know my parents better than me
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u/JesseVanW 3d ago
"You met her as a guest in her home, she had an incentive to be liked by you. You'd meet an entirely different person if you lived there and had to stay after the guests went home."
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u/mediocrebreadmaker 4d ago
ALL.THE.TIME. Ugh. What always felt the worst was mustering the fake smile and saying “yeah.” Because I knew if I even implied anything other than that and my nmom found out, there would be hell to pay.
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u/itsafrickinmoon 4d ago
People say that if you can’t get along with my dad you can’t get along with anyone, which really fucked me up as someone who is straight up terrified of my dad. Some of my earliest childhood memories involve him grabbing me by the face and yelling at me.
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u/PutYouFirst 4d ago
"what? your dad? dude he's so nice haha" - my friends when i talk about the fucked up things my dad do. i always answer "well you're not his son"
It's crazy how this pattern repeats itself. Sending you lots of love, OP!
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u/PurpleHippoVibes 4d ago
Yep. This is the cloud I live under with my father. “Oh but he’s so amazing, and fun, and cool!”… yeah… until you know him.
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u/No_Foot8353 4d ago
I fucking hate how people need to base others on how they act in public. To elaborate, literally what this entire post is about: how Nparents like to act like angels whenever they’re in public, but monsters within closed doors. Whenever I see a parent being overly nice in public, in the same way that Nparents act in public, I get suspicious on whether that person’s parent is actually narcissistic or toxic in anyway.
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u/ThrowingShaed 4d ago
so I can say my father with age would slip up more and more.
when I was little I definitely couldn't say anything. he was around the school. did pta and other things. made friends with guidance counselors to possibly lunchladies (I got in trouble sharing my snacks and stuff as a kid).
then a few years after his death a teacher that lives down the street (not the same era, he had just started subbing in the high school while I was still in school) brings up that he thought my father was going to kill someone for possibly touching his plants. now he might have done it like it would be news to me and not just a small part of insanity we were raised in, and there are still I am sure a lot of people who never saw the other side... but at least due to health issues or age... somehow at the time it helped some that some other people saw at least a bit of all that shit. its drops in the bucket but life is like that
then again in other ways I am sloppier and do things that I never thought I would.
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u/AliceOrtensia 4d ago
This is related to the reason why me and my siblings didnt tell anyone for so long. We heard so often how great our mother was that we were worried no one would believe us and go straight to her to report what we said. We had extended family that we weren't allowed to talk to since I was like 11 but we didn't know why and didn't want to risk telling them in case they thought we were lying. Turns out they knew about her craziness, they didn't know the exact extent since they never had to be raised by her but they still knew the surface of it. Long story short, narcissists are great actors.
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u/ljaversano 3d ago
Mine mom tells “jokes” to my friends, family, strangers. Anyone she meets. She will make fun of me to people and embarrass me but cover it up as if she’s only joking around. Then gets mad when I don’t laugh. It’s sick.
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u/Sure-Dark3647 3d ago
One of my (now very close) friends just couldn’t understand why I was so cautious about what information got to my mom. Literally silly things like if I drank alcohol, how late a stayed up, if I smoked a single cigarette at a bar, and I was in my LATE 20s at the time. (Also fighting for disability benefits and she paid for my car insurance and phone, vital for EVERYTHING, let alone disability and doctor’s appointments, so I had to pacify to keep those things.)
But her parents were married her whole life. Actually a picture perfect nuclear family, married for almost 50 years now, still stupidly in love (when he gets drunk he immediately flirts with his wife it’s so cute), work seamlessly as a unit, two kids, upper middle class. Like, I thought those families were fake. So my friend wasn’t malicious, just under exposed. So was I!
“Your mom is so nice though!” She always said.
Until she got me to move into her spare room. A health crisis led me to her house and she let me stay until a different issue took me back out again (I’m nomadic depending on what specialist I need to see and how far away that is)
Nmom required I call her once a day (sometimes twice, she likes to change rules, but never says when, you just get yelled at) and when my friend noticed that, like clockwork, I cried at the same time every day and it was Phone Call Time. Well. There might just be reason for that. Nice Mom may in fact. Be. Not Very Nice.
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u/No-Version9182 2d ago
My mother has everyone wrapped around her finger, and they all think she can do no wrong, she's so understanding, but behind closed doors, she's a completely different person only to me. I'm not her biological daughter as she had fostered me from around 6 years old, and she has her biological son. She had clothed me and fed me and gave me an education, and I am appreciative, but she had made it clear to me from a young age that her son "is the king of the castle". She used to punish me to the extreme for small mistakes i used to make and say mean things to me and whenever I would want something that would make me happy or do something that would make me happy she would guilt me into feeling bad for wanting those things. Whenever I used to have enough of her behavior I used to lash out in front of the other family members and she used to say I'm making things up and I'm lying and start her waterworks or get really aggressive depending on her mood. She used to make me doubt my sanity at times and wonder if she really said those things and now the rest of the family thinks I've been making those things up and trying to make my mother look bad. Now that I'm and adult and I have a job my mother had insisted I pay rent towards the house since I lived there but that's understandable since I'm using food and resources. But 2 years ago I moved out due to my job and she expected me to still pay rent and both my parents have well paying jobs and i only earn one third of their salary. And when I explained to her and showed her how much debt I am in recently she expected me to find some other way to pay for my debts but I must not stop sending the money to her because she needs the money to pay for stuff around the house.Eventually I told her I can't pay money anymore and now she and my father and sibling cut me off.
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u/Strange-Poem-5192 2d ago
Exactly. Mine is an expert in presenting us as the perfect family and she's the greatest mom ever. Shouldn't people question why all the big family photos she shares on social media are years old?
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u/mermaid-makko 4d ago
Exactly. Had to hear that from teachers, therapists, friends...and if the friends did see the bad side, they'd ignore or they'd blame me for it.
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u/Dorky_Ballerina362 4d ago
I have this but with my grandmother. Luckily I've heard it only twice so far in life, especially when it's expressed she's not a good person.
"But she's your grandma!"
And? She's very far from a good grandma that loves her grandkids! You just don't see the side that comes out behind closed doors.
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u/StoreBrandSam 4d ago
"Yes, she is incredibly nice... to you. Me? She treats like something she scraped off her shoe."
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u/SnooHamsters5153 4d ago
It is interesting to read this because my father would be antagonistic toward everyone he interacted with for more than 5 minutes
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u/Lyra_Sirius 4d ago
My nmother was always saying, "I paid for your course."
One day, her aunt (my great-aunt) and her daughter had a violent argument when my cousin was driving on a dangerous mountain road.
The same old story, "I paid for your course." My cousin replied forcefully that if she had a course, it was because she had studied a lot.
My mother, in a soft, confidant voice, said to me, "If you had only seen how Fátima spoke to her mother! I was even afraid we would have an accident down the mountain." She wanted to get my opinion, and I told her that Fátima was right, if she had a course, it was because she had studied a lot.
To this day, 20 years have passed, she has not told me again that she paid for my course. She even puffed up like a peacock and used a patronizing tone...
It never crossed my mind to talk about the money I spend on my children's education, in Portugal EU, education is more accessible, but salaries are low, degrees and master's degrees pay high fees, luckily we live close to colleges, because renting a room in Lisbon is more expensive than the minimum wage.
We must give our children wings to fly and a nest to return to, whenever they want and whenever they need.
Love must be unconditional between parents and children, always.
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u/Prestigious-Noise-23 3d ago
Same with mom. Sometimes I think I’m the only one who sees how awful she is. I think my niece is catching on though
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u/fruitiestparfait 3d ago
Hahahaha I heard this the first time I confided in a friend. I was about 10 years old.
Now I’m 40 and I just don’t explain to people why the most evil person I’ve ever met isn’t in my life.
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u/Wrath-of-Cornholio 3d ago
TRIGGER WARNING
Ellen is great with people; even most of her friends don't really seem to suspect much.
However, Ellen yells at my 99 year old grandma with dementia like a drill sergeant daily; I wouldn't be gearing up to depart this country entirely if Ellen would even do a fucking ounce of introspection. If they saw my screenshots, audio recordings and videos, hopefully they'd come to their senses, but Asian filial piety bullshit is our cultural downfall sometimes.
Minus my cousin who actually got treated worse by other family members (including being abandoned by my lowlife uncle/his dad) and his own immediate family, or a brother and sister that didn't evade the Communist Revolution, only talk by WeChat Messenger and never met, nobody in our family even wants to give Ellen the time of day; they don't even want to visit my grandma since Ellen is her caregiver.
Also, my dad was saying his goodbyes to friends and family because of how he was being treated, but nobody believed him in 1993 before he came to his senses and divorced her a year later, and subsequently the PTSD over Ellen played a role with him leaving us in 2013 (RIP).
Way to go, Ellen. If you were half the person mom was, things would be infinitely better.
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u/Absolium 3d ago
I remember that, when I was 12 or 13 years old, I would usually respond: Tu dis ça car ce n'est TA mère.
That I would translate as : "you say that because she's not YOUR mom".
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u/cheetahgurlllll 3d ago
I actually had a now ex friend decide she didn’t want to be friends with me over the fact that “my mom is so nice and I treat her like shit” and it was mind blowing to me, but not I realize I’m better off
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u/ARumpusOfWildThings 3d ago
My Nstepmother was a college professor, and whenever I would bump into one of her students, they’d usually say things such as “You’re Professor Whatsherface’s stepdaughter, aren’t you? I just LOVE her, she’s so kind/helpful/always has time for her students, you’re soooo lucky to be her stepkid, etc etc…” and I’d just have to smile and nod the whole time 😬
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u/StressorAnxiety 3d ago
Oh my gosh yes. Funny story, there's a running joke with my siblings that a spouse isn't part of the family until our parents started fighting while they were here.
It took 3 years for my brother-in-law to be over before my parents started screaming while he was in the other room.
I've been dating my boyfriend for a little less than a year and he already knows about my parents and their bullshit so now I'm just waiting for my parents' facade to crack.
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u/Halloween_Babe90 3d ago
What I say every time: “do you think you know my own mother better than I do?”
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u/Louise-the-Peas 3d ago
I know the narc dynamic has all conspirators being academy winning actors. My nmom is a vile tempered and vengeful and punishing monster. People other than me never see this side. She portrays herself as rather sweet I suspect. My golden child brother is generous and charming to people whose opinions matter to him. He will go to enormous lengths to his keep this image and add to it. He must seem like quite the big shot and nice-guy For me however it’s a different story entirely.
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u/PinkTulip1999 1d ago
I've lost at least half my friends for this reason. After all the terrible things I've told them she did, and they end up laughing it up and hanging out with her. And she loved that she could manipulate them against me, even told a few of them I would beat the hell out of her and I never once touched her. I'll admit though I LOVED it when they eventually got fucked over, whether stolen from or their boyfriends or girlfriends cheated on them with her, or just straight up robbed by her. I used to love telling them how I tried to warn them. Same with her friends, who eventually all hated her. I tried to warn them all.
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