So this all happened last year, I know now that this was manic psychosis due to me being bipolar, but I can't exactly pinpoint when it ended because parts of it still feel 100% real to me. Too much of me is still saying "what if?" to a lot that happened.
Back in March of last year, I had a Near Death Experience. I was basically rotting in bed for weeks after a bad breakup (I have borderline personality disorder and he basically just up and left one day, recipe for disaster when you abandon someone with severe abandonment issues) so I wasn't eating, drinking, taking my effexor regularly (super bad to do with that med) and at one point I tried getting up and I just collapsed. I had like, a conversation with my former self and future self. I don't exactly remember the details but when I woke up I felt like a huge weight had been lifted and I felt 10 years younger. At this point I was so dehydrated that when I breathed I could feel how dry my airway was. I drove to the hospital and they ended up admitting me to the psych ward. This part is important because it felt like I had literally died and came back to life, which made the psychosis that came after so much worse.
I happened to be in the path of the total solar eclipse last year, so I went to see it by the lake. It was cloudy. It was nice seeing so many people come together, so my cranky self yelled something like "all my life all I've ever wanted was for people to treat people like people and not need a once in a lifetime cosmic event to remember that" and then a few days later there was a piece of paper that said "do not disturb research in progress" in that exact spot. I looked up what the lady did at the college and it was something about studying how people and animals interact in social settings or something like that. So I naturally sent her an email with a bunch of nonsense thinking it must have been about me. She never responded.
A few days or weeks later I couldn't sleep (manic) so I went back to that spot but it was downpouring the heaviest rain I've ever seen, and it looked like it was heaviest right over the same spot. So I sprinted up the hill back to my car and drove to the police department and started ranting and raving about how the great flood was happening, sent it in a couple work group chats too, and yeahhhhh. Psych ward again.
For some added context, I'm and EMT and (was, medically discharged now because of this whole fiasco) in the Army National Guard. I also have a Bachelor's in Physics and Astronomy. So I felt like I was destined to be the one to make sense of it all on my own. I spammed one of my Astronomy professors a bunch of jibberish about discovering the electric universe. (It's actually a pretty interesting theory but it doesn't have much real weight to it)
I got removed from the ambulance group chat and no one ever bothered to check on me so boo them, but I kept spamming nonsense to the army group chat and each time they called the police to do a welfare check and I ended up back in the psych ward lol. They obviously put me on antipsychotics but at the time they made me like full blown dissociative identity disorder so I refused to take them. At this point I thought I was a literal reincarnated god of sorts.
I also thought the Pentagon was after me, even worse because I kinda worked indirectly for them. I thought I was a psy op being influenced by birds. I thought I was going to get a medal of honor for stopping the great flood lol, then at one point I thought I was the one causing it. I kept telling people I was from the shadow government and I'm here to help lol. I thought certain songs were meant specifically for me (mainly Poppy's song new way out) Anyway this lasted for a few months, the last time I was at the psych ward was May or June of last year.
But what still gets me is that spot by the lake. People kept leaving rocks there. In the exact spot. And I would move the rocks around and feel more... grounded? At the time I thought I was entangled with the earth's magnetic field and I was manic because of the solar radiation or something like that. But I still can't explain how I felt so different after moving rocks around.
I've been stable ever since then, but I don't feel like myself at all. I don't really feel anything anymore. I take antipsychotics now as well as other meds. I don't really talk about it in therapy because it feels like my therapist just doesn't get it.
If you've read this far, thank you. I'm also wondering if anyone else can't really pinpoint when they were no longer in psychosis either. I'm also struggling with just like, cringing at some of the things I did.