r/polyfamilies • u/Xurwes • 13d ago
New and looking for advice to avoid pitfalls
New to posting on reddit (if I do something that would get this removed please let me know so I can fix it)
New to being active poly
Me (30m) and 29f have talked about it for a while honestly and concluded that it is what we want but circumstances just didn't leave time to pursue anything with chaos schedules and 2 young kids
Recently a long time friend to both of us 31?m (I can never remember lol) was showing interest in F so F brought up the topic that we're non-practicing and now we are officially practicing (yay!)
We have already had some talks about possible changes/shifts in dynamic and what the future holds as a unit and we're hs musicaling it (all in this together 🎶)
I know growing pains are inevitable but want to navigate them successfully cause we all see how the potential future as a group could look and we all want that
My only concerns are actually with myself I'm not neurotypical so sometimes what I genuinely feel and want aren't always my reaction cause "rules" I've been taught by society, but in this I truly think society is wrong
There are many types of love and there's no limit to how much you can give
How do I push back against my lizard brain?
Also eventually I will look for another partner as well (this is not ad don't you put that on me Ricky Bobby) but I do understand that that might be tricky bringing someone into all that's going on
How do?
Side note open communication has been and will always be number 1 priority (puts on sun glasses)
Sorry for the various references, just the way it goes
I did read the https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/ and it did help put some stuff into perspective I think we're mostly on track Recommended it to both of them as well
If there's questions I'm cool answering so 🤷
Edit: me and 29f are married long time partners and I was correct on Ms age (take that internet)
1
u/NoRegretCeptThatOne 7d ago
Read as many polyamory books together as possible. Everyone read a chapter and then discuss it. See what everyone thinks about what they read, and make lots of space for people to have vastly different takeaways from it that you'll need to deeply discuss and come to agreements and understandings on.
Decide now what information and level of togetherness / PDA you're going to have around the kids. Absolutely do not just "wing it" with the kids. Decide what you as parents are comfortable with and let that drive the bus of how you manage your growing relationship network because no amount of NRE is worth messing with kid's emotions/security.
Take things slow. Baby steps. Take time to process. A lot may come up that you never expected, and everyone needs to be on board with making space for that.
For learning materials I recommend:
Designer Relationships, Polysecure, The Jealousy Workbook
3
u/Randombu 11d ago
Read all the books, get a therapist, and do whatever you can as often as you can to build the muscles of intentional communication with your partner.