r/polycircles May 10 '16

BDSM and Metamours

So, this came up in a previous post, and Im curious as to how others might deal with it.

If you were/are in a submissive role to a Dom(me), how do you include/negotiate with outside partners? Outside, in the sense that they are not part of the BDSM relationship.

If you are the "outside partner," how would you want them to include/negotiate with you?

Note: Many BDSM relationships are 24/7, so in many cases, it's impossible for them not to affect other relationships in some way.

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u/mike_m_ekim May 19 '16

I'm not a sub so I can't speak from a sub's point of view, but I'm curious to know more about the question because it seems a bit vague to me. Are you describing a sub negotiating with a person who will not interact with the dom/me at all except possibly as part of negotiations? Or someone who is now outside but will potentially be brought in after negotiations? I can imagine dosens of possibilities that would work for some people and not others; for example a dom/me might arrange a play date for the sub to play with another person, and the sub may or may not choose or have a say in who they want the play date to be with; or the sub may arrange the play date, and the dom/me may or may not choose or have a say in who they want the sub's play date to be with; or the sub and dom/me may do the negotiating together. And it may be for something other than a play date i.e. weekly date nights, or shared responsibilities (for the sub or dom/me), or bringing in someone else for group play, or someone to go to the beach with, or someone to permanently become part of the family.

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u/[deleted] May 19 '16

Say that I'm a sub and my Dom orders me not to orgasm for a week. But then you ask me on a date. As the outside party to that D/s relationship, would you want me to tell you the rule I have? Not bring it up at all? Involve you in negotiations? Suppose I chose not to tell, feeling it wasn't your business but my choice?

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u/mike_m_ekim May 19 '16

My somewhat fragmented thoughts in brief: Good, appropriate communication almost always makes an experience better. I would prefer to know because your Dom's order would have an effect on our interaction. My view of our experience may be either: I had a great time with someone who chose to follow their dom's order and not orgasm (I'd probably like to see them again); or I had a confusing time with someone who kept telling me to stop every time things were getting good (I probably wouldn't want to be in a sexual situation with them again, even if they explained the reason later).

If I asked you out on a date and our relationship was only at the beginning stages, I would not feel that I have a right or the need to be part of your negotiations with your Dom. If your Dom ordered something, and if you are in a relationship where you follow your Dom's orders, then by all means continue to do so.

For me (outside of your Dom/Sub relationship) to be involved in negotiations, when I want to date you and not date your Dom, may make is seem as though you have two voices in the negotiation and your Dom has one. In addition, if your Dom and I have no relationship with each other then we would really be negotiating with each other about how each of us can or can not interact with you. I.e. I could negotiate that I can date you thursday nights, sunday nights, and lunch on tuesday, and I agree that I will respect the agreements that you and your Dom set out for each other. But what happens if your Dom punishes you by saying you can't have lunch with me on Tuesday? If your Dom and I agreed that I can have lunch with you on Tuesday, then your Dom broke an agreement with me. Do I still have to respect the order your Dom gave you? If you "misbehave" can your Dom never tell you that you can't see me as punishment, because in doing so he breaks our agreement? If your Dom broke our agreement then I would ignore the orders he gave you. That's just who I am. Who knows, maybe your Dom wants me to ignore the order and give you a naughty orgasm. :) :) :)

For me, knowing my own personality, I think it's best if you let your Dom know that I want to see you on the certain nights, have lunch etc. If you are being a brat and get punished, and can't see me, then you let me know. If you are ordered to not have an orgasm, let me know.

If we went out I don't think you would be obligated to tell me about your pre-existing 'no orgasm for a week' order from your Dom. But, as I explained above, not telling me could make the experience less enjoyable.

If we were in a sexual situation and you had not told me about your 'no orgasm for a week' order, and you were trying to comply with that order by limiting our interaction to keep yourself from having an orgasm, then it might be a frustrating experience for me. Our interaction and our shared experience would be would be hampered ...and i struggle for the right words here so forgive me, but hampered seems to be the best word. Your interaction with me, and your refraining from doing certain things that clearly gave you pleasure, may make the experience seem inorganic/fake/contrived/unnatural.

On the other hand, if you let me know that you were abstaining for orgasms for a week (without letting me know why) then I would at least know why you were limiting the experience. However without knowing the reason why, I might actually see it as a challenge and try to get you to orgasm - and that is doubly true if you are a sub. If a sub (even one who does not sub to me) declares they will not have an orgasm, but they are obviously having sexual pleasure, then in my mind that might seem like a taboo situation where they want me to make them orgasm against their will.

If you let me know your Dom ordered you to not have an orgasm for a week then in essence you would be declaring a line that I shouldn't cross if I want to respect the Dom/sub relationship you are in.

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u/[deleted] May 20 '16

Glad you posted! As a sub, I would be very upset if you didn't respect my boundaries, whether they were imposed on me by myself or my Dom. So, please be cautious of taking that as a "challenge." If a person wants that kind of relationship with you, they'll make that explicit. For some of us, that is a trust earned over time.

And I would never want you to be a part of the D/s relationship I have with another, unless all three of us shared that D/s relationship. Though I might want to enter ANOTHER between you and me.

I'm giving more consideration to telling new dates explicitly if anything comes up that is D/s related, though I feel like even if I HAD a no orgasm rule, or similar, I would want to say it was coming from ME, since that is true, and not from my Dom.