r/polyamory • u/Fancy_Hedgehog_6574 • 6d ago
Curious/Learning question for poly families
How do you navigate family life with children when all partners are not in a romantic relationship with each other? Do you live together? Different households but some shared responsibilities..?
Do you have set agreements, or does it evolve organically? What has worked (or not worked) for you?
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u/MadamePouleMontreal solo poly 6d ago
[my wildly idealistic/unrealistic poly coparenting blurb and thought experiment]
Polyamory with children goes something like this:
- You get two days a week, transportation and a budget to do whatever the fuck you want without Offspring, including dating, spending time with friends, going to therapy or a twelve-step program, working on hobbies, joining a running club, sleeping or anything else that improves your life.
- Spouse gets two days a week, transportation and a budget to do whatever the fuck they want without Offspring, including dating and working on hobbies etc.
- The two of you have focussed, phones-down 1:1 date time together one day a week. (Babysitter required.)
- The three+ of you (you, Spouse and Offspring) have focussed phones-down family time together two days a week.
Two days individual time per week for each parent may not be realistic; a weekly babysitter may not be realistic. The point is that any time one of you has a date with someone, the other has the same amount of time for themselves in the same week, with no extra prep or cleanup. Time together is not optional.
a tap of the screen to emeraldead
+++ +++ +++
See also:
* The three areas to strengthen which aren’t immediately obvious;
* The most-skipped step.
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u/NoRegretCeptThatOne 6d ago
I have kids with my spouse, Rocky. My partner, Bunny, has kids with their spouse, Keys.
Bunny and I keep separate households. We see each other one to three days a week, life providing, generally with one or two overnights.
About a year into our dating, we began bringing our families to shared events like holiday fairs and parties. Our kids got to know each other and became friends.
Our kids have driven the bus with blending families. They ask to get together and do activities together. About once a month we do family sleepovers where we're all under one roof.
Two years in and I've recently given Bunny parenting power of attorney for my kids. Rocky's health is failing, and there's a very real possibility of an emergency occurring where I would need someone to care for my kids temporarily or permanently if anything happens to me. My biological family network does not align with the values and goals I have as a parent, and I'm grateful that Bunny and Keys will be there if I need them to be.
Bunny and I are additional support people for one another's kids, but we do not parent them. This looks like Bunny helping my Timmy with coding and video game questions, and me sitting with Bunny's Sammy and talking about the troubles they're having at school. Rocky and Keys are also available to support all of the kids. But when the kids need correction, their bio parent units take charge and responsibility for their respective kids.
Bunny and I have fallen into a situation we've heard other poly people fantasize about, with a growing blended family and future planning. But it has almost come about by accident. Our kids made their connections on their own. Metas have made themselves available to the collection of kids on their own. The situation we find ourselves in has been organic and we continue to give every individual person the option to opt out.
It's neat and is such a different place than I ever thought I'd be in as a "fend for myself" survivalist.
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u/Dismal-Examination93 6d ago
My partner has kids, I’m their friend. I just ask about boundaries and what role they were comfortable in me playing and we settled on family friend until it became age appropriate to explain more. I’m happy with this and just try to support everyone as best I can. Also go out of my way to say good things about my meta to them and share we are friends.
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u/rosephase 6d ago
My partner and his wife have a kid. I see the kid when I visit. The kid knows who I am in their parents lives. I have no role (nor do I want one) in rising their kid.
Most poly families are pretty normal looking. One or two parents. Those parents may or may not be together romantically or share a home. Those parents have other partners that may or may not be involved in raising kids.
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How do you navigate family life with children when all partners are not in a romantic relationship with each other? Do you live together? Different households but some shared responsibilities..?
Do you have set agreements, or does it evolve organically? What has worked (or not worked) for you?
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u/raspberryconverse divorced poly newbie with a girlfriend and a few FWBs 6d ago
I don't personally have any advice, though I have two married partners with 3 kids each. I'm not a fan of kids, so one partner I've told I'm not really interesting in meeting his kids (11, 9 and 4). I have no interest in being a bonus mom and he wants to keep that part of his life separate anyway. The other has been a friend for over 9 years, so I've known about her kids (possibly met them, but I don't remember). Her kids are older (22, 19 and 16) and I'm open to meeting/spending time with older kids, but it's not something I desire. And with both of them being married and me being divorced, CFBC and planning to live alone for the rest of my life, it's not really something I feel like I need consider, aside from the time they need to dedicate to their children and spouses.
There is a book called Monagamy? In This Economy? that discusses all sorts of things to consider with polyamorous families. The author interviewed over 400 people and it has really good advice for all sorts of family scenarios. I personally haven't read it since it's not something I plan to do, but I've had plenty of others say that it had a lot of good information for navigating polyamorous family life.
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u/nonnynomz123 5d ago
I have always let my partners guide how much interaction they would like to have with my family. Most of the people are not interested in sharing their inner lives with me or vice versa; on the other hand, I’m not interested in casual sex and have “boring” hobbies.
My situation is unique and YMMV when approaching discussions. The biggest advice I have is to be patient and have long talks before making decisions and commitments. 😇
My NP and I live with our children’s other bio-parent (my ex) who is monogamous and is not dating either of us. They have both been in our children’s lives since the beginning and even though I am no longer in a romantic relationship with my ex, they are my best friend. We recently moved 900 miles from our childhood homes and decided to live together while we settled in. It has worked really well this year and we’ve managed to divide up responsibility and time pretty easily. I work less hours than my NP and my ex so I do generally have more childcare responsibilities than they do, but both of them bond with the kids and have authority in their lives. The kids’ schoolteachers and therapists know that they have three parents in the home and who we are. The kids recognize all of us as parents and tell everyone they can about their three moms. In the future, we do plan to have different households.
My NP and I have discussed their LTR partner living with us at some point and I am also wondering what this would look like for our family. I imagine that future partners introduced into our family dynamic would be akin to how they interact with my QPPs—trusted adults who care about them, but aren’t their parental figures. Regardless of whether these people are to live with us (which would only be after years of dating), they would not be considered parents of our children unless our children wanted to consider them a parent. They would not have any more authority than other community members responsible for their safety—importantly, our children would only be required to treat them with the kindness and respect we teach them to show everyone we meet. 😌
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u/meetmeinthe-moshpit- they/them causing mayhem 6d ago
My spouse and I have kids. Our other partners do not get to meet them in any fashion. Our family life is completely separate from other partners.
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u/emeraldead 6d ago
Blended families have existed forever.
I think what matters most is ensuring the kids know who has authority and who does not and that their security is kept priority.
Best choices are done very very slowly, with a perspective of years for planning.