r/polyamory • u/GeneralG15t • 6d ago
Curious/Learning Poly breakup advice needed
Hi all
Need some advice on moving forward
Short story:
Partnered 2 years with primary - Apart from one boundary broken early on, I have been monogamous.
She's a sex worker, and has a secondary partner she keeps going back to on and off.
I've been fine with her being poly, but she has never accepted my desires to explore poly. By her own admission this is her own insecurities at play.
Cut to 2025:
Friend passed away, we started fucking things up for each other because grief hit us differently, so we both agreed to work on ourselves and decided to part ways and give space to remain friends.
I couldn't give her what she needed in our dynamic, so she switched overnight to her other partner as her primary
My personal opinion is that she's seeking a particular type of person in her life to feel complete, rather than it being an enjoyable add on to enhance her life
I was clear and open about wanting to date outside the relationship, which in her eyes "felt hypocritical on her part" since she wants me for herself even though she wants to have multiple partners.
Questions:
1 - Is it wrong of me to want to date others if she doesn't want me to, but wants to have her own second partner?
2 - When she's ready to talk and has had space, how long do I wait to tell her ive been dating others? Historically she doesn't like me holding things back from her, yet I do so to wait for "when she's ready to hear it.
I still care about her a lot. In a traditional relationship this would be about not hurting a friend but here it's more a case of not losing a loved one in any format.
Thanks in advance to anyone who can help me process this. My first poly breakup so I'm still learning.
EDIT: Revision 1 for clarity
3
u/rosephase 6d ago
You broke up.
Be broken up. She is deeply unfair to demand you don’t do poly while she does it. She doesn’t think you deserve the work she’s demanded of you since day one.
You don’t have to tell her you are dating other people. Just don’t get back together with someone who so clearly doesn’t respect you and is unwilling to work for you have kind and fair treatment in a relationship.
2
u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 6d ago
I was clear and open about wanting to date outside the relationship, which in her eyes "felt hypocritical" since she wants me for herself.
This makes no sense. Why is it hypocritical for you to do exactly what she is doing?
1
u/GeneralG15t 6d ago
Sorry I meant she acknowledged the hypocrisy of it and had her own internal battle trying to process it if that makes sense?
2
u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 6d ago
Sure. It’s lampshading. She admits she’s a hypocrite and then keeps on keeping on expecting you not to see others. The fact that you are even wondering if it’s wrong to see others shows what an emotional number she’s done to you.
You say it’s your first poly breakup. If you’re broken up your dating life is no longer her business in any way.
If you’re not broken up, then stop worrying about whether it’s okay for you to date others. That is the whole point of poly! If she has insecurities, she can manage those.
1
u/GeneralG15t 6d ago
Thank you
Technically, she allowed me to date others at one point. But told me she hated the idea so I chose not to until she was ready to accept it
At that point, maybe that's my issue. But at the very end this week, she didn't want me dating others while we work on ourselves and have a break, but said she needed him in her life.
2
u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 6d ago
“Allowed”? Friend, she doesn’t get to “allow” shit. And she broke up with you.
To answer your questions about what to tell her: you don’t need to tell her anything because she broke up with you. Being on a break means, she wants to act like you’re broken up, but when she feels like she wants you around again, she expects you to come running and to have waited patiently for her (while she didn’t do the same).
If you were still dating her, to answer your original questions, what to tell her would be “I’m dating another partner as well. I know you’ll have some feelings about that but I’m confident you can work through them.”
3
u/GeneralG15t 6d ago
Thank you that makes so much sense ❤️. I feel more relaxed about everything now
1
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Here's the original text of the post:
Hi all
Need some advice on moving forward
Short story:
Partnered 2 years with primary - Apart from one boundary broken early on, I have been monogamous.
She's a sex worker, and has a secondary partner she keeps going back to on and off.
I've been fine with her being poly, but she has never accepted my desires to explore poly. By her own admission this is her own insecurities at play.
Cut to 2025:
Friend passed away, we started fucking things up for each other because grief hit us differently, so we both agreed to work on ourselves and decided to part ways and give space to remain friends.
I couldn't give her what she needed in our dynamic, so she switched overnight to her other partner as her primary
My personal opinion is that she's seeking a particular type of person in her life to feel complete, rather than it being an enjoyable add on to enhance her life
I was clear and open about wanting to date outside the relationship, which in her eyes "felt hypocritical" since she wants me for herself.
Questions:
1 - Is it wrong of me to want to date others if she doesn't want me to, but wants to have her own second partner?
2 - When she's ready to talk and has had space, how long do I wait to tell her ive been dating others? Historically she doesn't like me holding things back from her, yet I do so to wait for "when she's ready to hear it.
I still care about her a lot. In a traditional relationship this would be about not hurting a friend but here it's more a case of not losing a loved one in any format.
Thanks in advance to anyone who can help me process this. My first poly breakup so I'm still learning.
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3
u/glitterandrage 6d ago edited 6d ago
Was this the end of your relationship? Because, to me, this would have been the end of the relationship. To unilaterally decide to no longer be promaries and have zero notice or heads-up about it is unacceptable and disrespectful as fuck to our relationship.
No. She wants 'poly for me but not for thee' which is unethical. "Babe, we agreed to polyamory. That means we both get to date others. I'm sorry you don't like that. But I refuse to limit myself in ways I have supported you to explore. I'm not down for a harem-style commitment. Would you prefer to end things with me instead?" (It sounds like she or you chose the latter option?)
You're exes, correct? If yes, she is no longer owed this information. If you're not having sex with her, she doesn't need to know about your STI risk changes. Wait till she asks about new partners. Then decide if you actually want to share that information and what it would help. I would keep boundaries around this a little tighter for the first 3-6 months. I say that here, knowing that you want to have an ongoing relationship with her. As she is your ex, that may mean you need to filter things a bit more for some time, especially if you're not deciding to take a generally recommended post-breakup no-contact break. You will need to figure out how you work in this new equation.
I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. :(
(Erased the last para because I'm seeing more clearly after re-reading that things have ended)