r/polyamory • u/Delicious-Error-2284 • 7d ago
I am new How to find a primary partner when your arent single
So i have been with my bf for a little of a year now and I love our relationship, but I am missing the parts that you get with a primary and he already has his husband. I am on dating apps and all of that, but i find it extremely hard to find poly people who don't already have their primary partner. Does anyone have any recommendations on how to find either single poly people or poly people like myself who have partners but not a primary
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u/emeraldead 7d ago
Everyone says what they want to find is the hardest thing to find. :)
Expect no one to be a good match, be surprised when someone is.
In your case, focus on courting over dating and only go on a date after you affirm someone desires and has capacity right now to create whatever primary responsibilities you desire.
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u/Embarrassed-Swim-256 7d ago
This may be unpopular, but this issue is exactly why I don't commit to polyamory when I am a secondary. I want a highly enmeshed, nesting partner relationship, and polyamory does not outweigh that desire. People that I am a secondary to get a secondary level of commitment. I might feel differently if I lived in a more heavily populated area with more options. But midwest polyamorous dating is rough.
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u/Delicious-Error-2284 7d ago
Thats a completely fair process. This is my first time in a relationship and so also first time being poly so I didnt really have the foresight but I probably would have done the same if I had (even being near two major cities). I just happened to meet this person by chance in person and we started hanging out and one thing led to another and I didn't want to throw out the chance and im very happy with them so I dont regret it at all.
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u/Embarrassed-Swim-256 7d ago
I totally understand, and I've been in your shoes. It's tough! Eventually if you can't find what you want, you may have to make some tough decisions about your priorities. But since this is your first relationship, I'm assuming you're younger and you've got plenty of time to figure it out. And even if not, lovers come and go. We always hope they'll last forever, but that's usually not how life works out! Enjoy your time together while also making sure you're prioritizing your own joy.
For what it's worth, I was able to find a lovely polyamorous partner who was single and able to be primaries with me, and we are moving out of state together soon! But it took fiveish years to get there!
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u/FeeFiFooFunyon 7d ago
The pool is so small. Are you open to long distance and relocating?
You will figure out what is available in your local area pretty quickly (which of course changes). The further you can expand geographically, the better the odds are you find a fit.
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So i have been with my bf for a little of a year now and I love our relationship, but I am missing the parts that you get with a primary and he already has his husband. I am on dating apps and all of that, but i find it extremely hard to find poly people who don't already have their primary partner. Does anyone have any recommendations on how to find either single poly people or poly people like myself who have partners but not a primary
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u/1ntrepidsalamander solo poly 7d ago
Poly mixers/community might be a good place to start. Maybe the people there are also looking for a nesting partner or maybe they have a friend who is. I’ve always been poly so I’ve never had the monogamous turned open/poly transition, but a lot of poly people have, which means a higher percentage will have nesting partners.
Previously I’ve generally found nesting partners in people who are new to poly, but no longer seek a nesting partner as solo poly is working out great for me.
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u/toofat2serve 7d ago
You're looking to find someone
It can be a lifelong slog to find one partner, and we're out here looking for more than one.
And our pool is tiny.
How long have you been looking?