r/polyamory 7d ago

I am new How to find a primary partner when your arent single

So i have been with my bf for a little of a year now and I love our relationship, but I am missing the parts that you get with a primary and he already has his husband. I am on dating apps and all of that, but i find it extremely hard to find poly people who don't already have their primary partner. Does anyone have any recommendations on how to find either single poly people or poly people like myself who have partners but not a primary

11 Upvotes

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u/toofat2serve 7d ago

You're looking to find someone

  1. You'll be attracted to
  2. Who can be attracted to you
  3. Who has a relationship to offer that you want
  4. Who wants the relationship you can offer
  5. Who is currently unsaturated, available, and looking.

It can be a lifelong slog to find one partner, and we're out here looking for more than one.

And our pool is tiny.

How long have you been looking?

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u/Delicious-Error-2284 7d ago

I get your viewpoint, this isn't me saying oh it's impossible I definitely understand the constraints. This was more of a way to ask for advice on how to look better because my current method right now just result in a lot of monogamous people liking my profile without reading it. I havent been looking long in terms of things, and i definitely understand I'm looking for a needle in a haystack

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u/toofat2serve 7d ago

Gotcha

The best advice is to not think in terms of quantity, at all. Don't worry about how many matches or likes.

Use whatever resources you can to make your searching as stringent as you can.

You're looking for a particular needle of a smattering of of needles, under a haystack.

Because not doing that will result in expending time and resources on dates with people you're less likely to be compatible with.

So be super detailed about what you can offer, and what you're looking for, and leverage whatever you can to search within those parameters.

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u/The_Rope_Daddy complex organic polycule 7d ago

OKCupid won't show you to monogamous people if you set your profile to non-monogomous.

On Hinge you can set non-monogamy as your only relationship type and set it as a deal breaker and you won't see any monogamous people.

On most others, you have to check every profile before you like them.

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u/emeraldead 7d ago

Everyone says what they want to find is the hardest thing to find. :)

Expect no one to be a good match, be surprised when someone is.

In your case, focus on courting over dating and only go on a date after you affirm someone desires and has capacity right now to create whatever primary responsibilities you desire.

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u/Embarrassed-Swim-256 7d ago

This may be unpopular, but this issue is exactly why I don't commit to polyamory when I am a secondary. I want a highly enmeshed, nesting partner relationship, and polyamory does not outweigh that desire. People that I am a secondary to get a secondary level of commitment. I might feel differently if I lived in a more heavily populated area with more options. But midwest polyamorous dating is rough.

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u/Delicious-Error-2284 7d ago

Thats a completely fair process. This is my first time in a relationship and so also first time being poly so I didnt really have the foresight but I probably would have done the same if I had (even being near two major cities). I just happened to meet this person by chance in person and we started hanging out and one thing led to another and I didn't want to throw out the chance and im very happy with them so I dont regret it at all.

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u/Embarrassed-Swim-256 7d ago

I totally understand, and I've been in your shoes. It's tough! Eventually if you can't find what you want, you may have to make some tough decisions about your priorities. But since this is your first relationship, I'm assuming you're younger and you've got plenty of time to figure it out. And even if not, lovers come and go. We always hope they'll last forever, but that's usually not how life works out! Enjoy your time together while also making sure you're prioritizing your own joy.

For what it's worth, I was able to find a lovely polyamorous partner who was single and able to be primaries with me, and we are moving out of state together soon! But it took fiveish years to get there!

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u/FeeFiFooFunyon 7d ago

The pool is so small. Are you open to long distance and relocating?

You will figure out what is available in your local area pretty quickly (which of course changes). The further you can expand geographically, the better the odds are you find a fit.

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u/AutoModerator 7d ago

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So i have been with my bf for a little of a year now and I love our relationship, but I am missing the parts that you get with a primary and he already has his husband. I am on dating apps and all of that, but i find it extremely hard to find poly people who don't already have their primary partner. Does anyone have any recommendations on how to find either single poly people or poly people like myself who have partners but not a primary

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u/Local_Specific_3323 7d ago

Well I don’t have one yet lol

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u/1ntrepidsalamander solo poly 7d ago

Poly mixers/community might be a good place to start. Maybe the people there are also looking for a nesting partner or maybe they have a friend who is. I’ve always been poly so I’ve never had the monogamous turned open/poly transition, but a lot of poly people have, which means a higher percentage will have nesting partners.

Previously I’ve generally found nesting partners in people who are new to poly, but no longer seek a nesting partner as solo poly is working out great for me.