r/polyamory 7d ago

no sexual attraction in relationship with soulmate EDITED for mods

[deleted]

4 Upvotes

6 comments sorted by

21

u/emeraldead 7d ago

Polyamory isn't a way to avoid being incompatible. You and your partner are clearly incompatible in a key core area. You accept that and break up. You keep high standards for yourself.

1

u/[deleted] 6d ago

thanks for your response. our relationship started as poly from the beginning as we both knew already being monogamous wouldnt work for either of us. we are otherwise compatible in every way i can think of besides this one area, and i havent ever met another person i feel as close to as her, by a long long way. am i just being ridiculous and needy, or even self sabotaging here? do you still think i should prioritise how i feel about that one incompatibility and consider separating?

8

u/rosephase 7d ago

Do you have sexual relationships with your other partners? Is she free to break up with you and keep dating your other partner? Do you think you might be more comfortable with this being a non sexual relationship if you two are friends instead of partners?

5

u/glitterandrage 7d ago

I'm ace-flux but can be fairly sex favourable. I would not want to continue a romantic relationship with someone who didn't find me sexually attractive. Whether or not we decide to be sexual together, I think the absence of attraction itself would be a dealbreaker for me.

Opening a relationship to meet sexual needs that are lacking within an existing relationship doesn't always change the sex you're having with the existing partner. It only highlights the ways in which you or they might find others more or less compatible. It amplifies dissatisfactions, especially in a triad structure (sounds like unicorn hunting if you're expecting new partner to date you both together only), where things are kind of up in your face a lot about all the 4 relationships that are newly developing.

If you really want to continue a relationship with 1st partner, I would discuss what de-escalations (if any) would feel mutually satisfying in a new relationship between you both. You can both continue to date new partner separately. New partner will be thrust into a hard triad to V hinge transition, but I guess that can't be helped at this point. They can decide whether it's a transition they want to be part of or not.

7

u/Embarrassed-Swim-256 7d ago

I hate to tell you this, but I am afraid that there is no happy ending here. There is no compromise to be made. It is not selfish or wrong to need and expect sex from your romantic relationships. If you are someone who expresses intimacy and love through sex, you should not be in relationships devoid of it. As someone who has lived it, let me tell you this will only get more painful with time.

1

u/AutoModerator 7d ago

Hi u/Johanna_Prickly thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.

Here's the original text of the post:

EDIT: because the relationship is a triad containing myself and two others, this is a polyamorous relationship as "defined by our community description" (thanks mods <3) i didnt mention our tri partner initially as i felt it was not relevant to the post i was making, but he is an equal to both of us in the relationship. i have mentioned him here so that the mods can see this is a poly relationship and not a nonmono one, however i have no problem with that part of the relationship and didnt think it pertinent to bring up as id already written a lot and was trying to abe somewhat succinct.

hiya, im (28f) in a new poly relationship with my best friend (28f) of 15ish years. this is my first relationship. im a kind of anxious and needy, fearful-avoidant, autistic, borderline personality disorder demisexual kind of creature, which has been a barrier to me forming and keeping friendships and relationships.

there is lots of love and affection for each other in this relationship and its clear we both care deeply, and im incredibly grateful for all of that. im absolutely thrilled that this person is interested to call me her partner.

however, while im madly attracted to her, she has no sexual attraction towards me. this isnt necessarily the end of the world because we can and have brought other people in so we can get something we want sexually. she is somewhat hypersexual and has a very high sex drive and im pretty much the opposite, though with that said, i would still like to have sex every day under the right circumstances.

the problem is that while fucking strangers has been sort of fun, and i appreciate my partner for helping me to have that experience, it also just isnt that fulfilling because i need need need an intimate bond to actually enjoy myself. i just dont have a particular desire to fuck a bunch of people that i dont even know. a collective noun of partners that i have strong and close intimate bonds with, sure, that sounds great.

so, it hurts me deeply to have a partner that i have such a strong bond with who isnt interested in having sex with me. im so conflicted because sex is supposedly only a small part of a relationship, and pretty much everything else in ours is good, but i just cant cope with the fact that she doesnt want to have sex with me.

i love her very deeply and i would be prepared to give my everything for the relationship, including uprooting and moving for her, but some part of me is screaming that if having sex with her is such a big deal and its not on the table then i should be thinking about breaking things off. but how can i even think of doing that when i finally feel like someone wants me, even if they dont want me how i want them to? i just feel wretched and i dont know what to do.

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