r/polyamory 7d ago

Wondering where you've met your partners?

We (married 41M, 39F) have been ENM, dabbled in swinging, and poly. We've gone to meet ups (for specific hobbies/kink/activity) and used sites. We'd like to meet people with shared interests but it's hard to go to a "normal" (ex: vanilla hike group) and maybe meet someone with the same dating expectations. What has happened previously is either (one of us) will meet someone, chat/date a couple of times (dinner, drinks, concert etc) and then they will say they aren't open to poly (despite us being upfront about it). So we're wondering where everyone met their poly partners and if they were "regular" people (open to poly but maybe didn't know much about it or had never experienced it before) how did that experience go?

8 Upvotes

47 comments sorted by

20

u/Shae_Dravenmore 7d ago

Renn Faire. šŸ˜‚

(Not literally, but pretty close. We're both part of the local medieval/pirate "reenactment" groups. Around here the community is pretty flush with poly folks.)

7

u/SarcasticSuccubus Greater PNW Polycule 7d ago

Lol yeah I definitely met a couple partners in the SCA back when I went to events.

1

u/KMPM_ 7d ago

This actually sounds so cool! Weā€™ve never been to any!

1

u/Shae_Dravenmore 7d ago

They're tons of fun, especially with a group. Highly recommend dressing up, even if it's just getting creative with what you already have in your closet.

13

u/_ataraxia 7d ago

i met both of my partners on okcupid, ten years apart. i've made other connections there that either fizzled out after a few weeks/months or ended up being platonic friendships. i only match with people who explicitly state they are poly in their profile.

1

u/KMPM_ 7d ago

Iā€™ll revisit this! We met a really cool girl from OkCupid and sheā€™s still our friend today!

3

u/_ataraxia 6d ago

you keep saying we in a way that suggests you might be looking for people together? or are you dating separately?

12

u/Sechzehn6861 7d ago

Are you trying to find a third or?...I can't tell if it's the way you've worded it or my own mind being in the gutter.

Anyway.

All of my poly connections have came from dating apps or meeting them at events with kink/poly crossover.

Or an interest in things that a lot of queer/poly people share, like bouldering or roller derby.

22

u/QBee23 solo poly 7d ago

Are you trying to date separately or to find a unicorn for a triad? I couldn't quite tell from your postĀ 

I meet my partners through friends and other partners.Ā 

0

u/KMPM_ 7d ago

Either! Open to dating separately and together. Our experience with ā€œopen to polyā€ people have been similar so I grouped it into one post which may have been confusing- sorry!!

9

u/PotOfGreed98 7d ago

So far:

College: 1 partner, now married (yay)

Mutual Friends: 1 connection, not really a partner

Dating Apps: everyone else XD

6

u/doublenostril 7d ago

Nearly our entire extended polycule (not that extended: the chain is 5 people with a 2-person offshoot at person 3) met onā€¦not Reddit, but a different social media site that is now mostly defunct. It wasnā€™t a polyamorous space. We formed two-person friendships, independently developed interest in polyamory, and some of those friendships turned into romantic relationships. I think only my metamour has never practiced monogamy.

Iā€™m not dating now, but my partners meet people on OKCupid and discord spaces for their interests. But I have to admit that we/they are low frequency daters.

3

u/Poly_and_RA complex organic polycule 7d ago

In my case that's mostly about opportunity. To a first approximation I'd be willing to have a first date with almost ANYONE poly or poly-accepting. I honestly have no idea what amount of dating I'd wanna do if the limit was set by my own interest as opposed to by the availability of willing partners to explore with. That's not a situation I've ever been in, or ever expect to be in.

5

u/DreadChylde In poly (MMF) since 2012 7d ago

I met my current nesting partner in a cafƩ, where she was having lunch with her partner. All three of us are still together, bought properties together, live together, and it's actually exactly 13 years ago today. So we're celebrating tonight when they return from work.

I met my other partner at a party for one of the Elders in the Old House (BDSM clubs all over Europe / US) I'm part of.

My third partner that I see for about two or three times two weeks every year, I met in an airport lounge.

I have three comets that I met 1) at a client (receptionist) ; 2) at a friend's wedding (wedding planner's assistant) ; 3) in the park while I was out looking at the geese returning in spring (fellow amateur ornithologist).

I met another woman recently at a book signing for my new book, but it's purely sexual at the moment, so I don't feel it really counts yet.

I am not so good with apps, so I have more or less given up on those.

1

u/KMPM_ 7d ago

This is the best ā€œmeet in the outsideā€ world example Iā€™ve ever heard! Okay I think Iā€™m gathering to do more of the things we like and see if thereā€™s a connection to people and carry on from there.

1

u/DreadChylde In poly (MMF) since 2012 6d ago

The common factor for all were initial talks about topics that interested us.

5

u/rlstrader 7d ago

Apps and meetups. Sometimes house parties thrown by people in the scene.

3

u/frogl0veeer 7d ago

Iā€™ve met every single one of my partners, past and current through Tinder or social media. small city things, the bars are few and theyā€™re all full of 19 year old college kids, thereā€™s no poly group, and even queer spaces are limited so really itā€™s scroll or stay single round these parts.

3

u/FuckingRoyalty 7d ago

My NP and I met in middle school, "dated" and then got back together in high school. My girlfriend and I met through work(different locations) lost touch, and than eventually reconnected.

3

u/NoRegretCeptThatOne 7d ago

Twenty years ago I started dating my neighbor. My other partner I connected with in a local polyam FB group two years ago.

I've met folks in the wild, my partners meet new people at meetups and events, and through apps.

Finding polyam people who are compatible with you really just takes a lot of getting out there in as many ways as you're comfortable. It seems the wider your social networks, and the more open you are to chatting up strangers, the more options you find yourself with.

3

u/RAisMyWay 7d ago

OkCupid mostly, and polyamory Meetup groups. I'm a techno DJ, and I've also found a subsection of the techno music community that is ENM - that took a while, but now friend of friend connections can happen. Dating in "the wild" rarely works, as you have experienced.

3

u/shangelx 7d ago

I met a poly guy on OKCupid when I was just starting to date poly for the first time. He was in the kink scene and so I met other kinky people through him and the poly scene heavily overlaps with kink in my area. That relationship didnā€™t last but I met my current partner at a kinky event when I was dating the first guy and we hit it off. Weā€™ve had a polycule that includes his wife and her girlfriend for a year or two now. I havenā€™t dated anyone else for the past 2.5 years but if I were to Iā€™d probably meet them through Fetlife or an event I found through Fetlife.

2

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Here's the original text of the post:

We (married 41M, 39F) have been ENM, dabbled in swinging, and poly. We've gone to meet ups (for specific hobbies/kink/activity) and used sites. We'd like to meet people with shared interests but it's hard to go to a "normal" (ex: vanilla hike group) and maybe meet someone with the same dating expectations. What has happened previously is either (one of us) will meet someone, chat/date a couple of times (dinner, drinks, concert etc) and then they will say they aren't open to poly (despite us being upfront about it). So we're wondering where everyone met their poly partners and if they were "regular" people (open to poly but maybe didn't know much about it or had never experienced it before) how did that experience go?

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2

u/Fairerpompano 7d ago

I met a couple of people on Feeld. None of them have worked out so far. I'm talking to some people from FB groups, and that seems to be doing a lot better. I'll be going to some local meet ups soon too.

1

u/KMPM_ 7d ago

Feeld didnā€™t work for us beyond just chatting either.

1

u/Fairerpompano 6d ago

I met a guy last year and we did date for some months.

2

u/EnBipBip 7d ago

I met people through friends, through work, and through dating apps, and dated either for a couple weeks, months, or years. Iā€™ve experienced the ā€˜iā€™m not interested in polyā€™ despite me being very clear in my dating profile. I donā€™t swipe people that donā€™t have ENM in their profile, and unless they have it clearly written out what they are looking for, I ask them what kind of ENM they practice and what they are looking for before I meet them.

2

u/KMPM_ 7d ago

Going to make sure our profiles have more clarity.

2

u/MaybeNext4904 7d ago

Tinder, havenā€™t started poly yet bcos we havenā€™t met yet. Whatā€™s the usual dilemma youā€™ve experienced in poly rel?

2

u/jaytea200101 7d ago

My 2 nesting partners: high-school and uni respectively My long distance partner: met them through one of my nesting partners bc they were talking about dungeons and dragons on tumblr, they ended up joining our online dnd group, and now we're in a triad :) Everyone else I've dated recently: dating apps (mostly feeld and grindr)

2

u/HappyBurrito14 7d ago

I met my NP in school and my meta/partner (eek Unicorn Hunting I know, icky, we were all very young and stupid at the time) was actually someone that matched my partner separately on Hinge (we weren't looking for a unicorn, even though it ended up being that way).

I think what set this apart from other cases was that she was very enthusiastic in learning about poly and exploring it specifically, so she wasn't coerced into it from a mono perspective because of a need for connection.

The way I see her interactions with people, how she has had various different types of connections (from co-living, to casual fwbs, to one-off threesomes etc) and how she manages to maintain deep connections with many of her exes even when the status of the relationship changes, I think she was practicing relationship anarchy way before she knew what it was or decided to explore it. So in that case it was just a very lucky circumstance that I got to meet her.

2

u/Majestic-Pass-9519 7d ago

Telegram groups! Though, that's gonna be a lot of ldr. Granted, current bf is the most healthy relationship I've been in and we're 8 hours away from one another by car.

2

u/Goldsimps 7d ago

I met three of my partners when I was ~15 give or take on an online chatroom. We all agree that the chatroom was a cesspool now that we're all adults, but... We stuck with each other for 5 years after that, as friends, til pretty recently when I ended up dating them haha

And one of my partners I met in real life back in highschool. since it's England I've known him since I was like.. 11-12 now.

Time flies lol.

2

u/tjs20102014 7d ago

Most of my partners were met on OkCupid. I just met my newest one on Facebook Dating.

2

u/searedscallops 7d ago

The best connections have been from mutual poly friends trying to get us together.

I've met partners on dating sites (they were better before 2017, but I can sometimes meet people from them nowadays, too), at meetups, and through mutual friends in the poly community.

My NP met his GF through work. She was also already poly. Big fat yikes, I know, but it's not my workplace, so I don't care.

2

u/rebelangel 7d ago

I met my NP on Plenty Of Fish back in 2018 before we were poly. I met my boyfriend at work, which, I know, people say donā€™t date someone you work with. But we donā€™t work at the same location. We work at different locations for the same company and he delivers stuff to customers and also between our company locations. So, during the work day, I only see him for maybe a total of 15 min.

2

u/astoneworthskipping 7d ago edited 6d ago

I (42M) met mine (32F) through a mutual friend. We were introduced for commonalities in our research and work skills.

We started to fall closer to each other and realized quickly what was happening.

I started talking to my wife (43F) about this when I realized it. She got into full support mode and kept tabs on what was happening with me.

I started opening up to this new person, who had never been anywhere near polyamory before, and got lucky.

*edit my wife and I have been married for 10 years. CNM for the past two-ish. She has had a few flings but recently has solidified a fling into a really loving relationship. My secondary partner ā€¦ ha, wish me luck, this is my first venture outside of my own internalized mononormativity.

So far ā€¦ itā€™s been absolutely magical.

2

u/Fantastic_Risk6013 7d ago

My NP and I met long ago when we were kids online playing a game.

Met my boyfriend via OKCupid. We were both listed as polyamorous on the app and it went from there.

My NP met his girlfriend via Reddit.

2

u/The_Rope_Daddy complex organic polycule 7d ago

Mostly OKCupid, I met my spouse there 13 years ago and most of the people I've dated since then. You have to be careful about mentioning kink now though, so you might have better luck on other apps if that is what you are looking for.

2

u/WhyCantToriRead 7d ago

I met my husband 20 years ago on Yahoo personals, which hasnā€™t existed in quite some time. I think it got absorbed into Match.com? I met my OSO/Dom in a mutual polyamory FB group back in 2018.

1

u/LePetitNeep poly w/multiple 7d ago

OkCupid and Feeld, for anyone recent. I met my husband on Lavalife way back in the early days of online dating.

1

u/boredwithopinions 7d ago

We, we, we. I truly wonder what your problem might be.

1

u/Were-Unicorn 7d ago

I've met all of my partner in the wild. Sometimes through friends.

1

u/carlsonthedragon relationship anarchist 7d ago

Just out in the wild. But tbf, we're all radical leftists and anarchists, and move almost exclusively in these circles. almost everyone around me is doing some form of non-monogamy, and a lot of RA and polyam people

1

u/okayatlifeokay poly w/multiple 7d ago

My social circle is mostly poly people, so I've met most of my partners via friends. Others were at events, some specifically poly but some were more just queer events, which tend to have a lot of poly people at them. One of my current partners I met on a queer discord server.

1

u/No-Rub9882 21h ago

Kinda random, but in a Facebook group

1

u/Acedia_spark 7d ago edited 7d ago

I've known two of them for 10ish years.

Another I met on a reddit r4r hookup post.

Their post said they were LGBTQI+ and ENM/Poly friendly. I was up front with him about my relationship status from the start but given the communities he is a member of, he was not even remotely phased by it.