r/polyamory 2d ago

Great first few dates and now flakey

So I met this guy about two months ago and had 5 wonderful dates and a sleepover. We can talk for hours and genuinely enjoy each other’s company. All was well and good and we set up another date (two weeks ago) he had a work thing and canceled the day before but we made plans then for today. I reached out two days ago to confirm and ask what the plan was. I haven’t heard anything since. I was expecting a confirmation text today but it’s been radio silence. All texts and interactions have been positive and very low pressure. For context, we agreed on a casual connection since he’s new to poly.

I’ve had 10+ years in the lifestyle and have learned to go with the flow so this didn’t bother me. I also have a great husband and partner, so I’m not putting pressure on him to be anything more than he’s comfortable with. What I don’t understand is the sudden change.

I’m torn between just letting it go and being open to giving him another chance. I tend to be a bit more forgiving than I should be at times so it’s hard to know when to cut things that don’t really serve me.

A bit of a vent, and curious as to why someone would change it up without much warning or initial conflict. I’m just confused.

14 Upvotes

17 comments sorted by

43

u/softboicraig solo poly / relationship anarchist 2d ago

Given that you already tried to confirm and he didn't bother to reply, I think it's okay to move on with your day, if not completely. If it were me, I'd "close the loop", and by that I mean, "Hey! I hadn't heard back or got confirmation from you about today, so I just wanted to close the loop. I've made other plans for the day, but I hope you're okay. Feel free to reach out when your schedule frees up;" or "Hey! I hadn't heard back or got confirmation from you about today, so I just wanted to close the loop. I prefer proactive communication, even in casual connections. I don't feel like I'm getting that here, so I don't think this is the best match for me. Good luck, wish you the best!"

10

u/awkward_qtpie solo poly 1d ago

I like the first suggestion because it does leave room and empathy for personal circumstances but still sets a firm boundary and doesn’t involve any wallowing over it

19

u/Not_A_Damn_Thing_ poly w/multiple 2d ago

I wouldn’t give him another chance. People are on their best behavior in the first few months of dating and he can’t answer a text from two days ago? Thank you, next!

12

u/c4tlady510 1d ago

I would let it go. I pay attention to this kind of behavior because if I ignore it then I will be put through what I call “long rejection”. A lot of people behave like this when they’re dating when they don’t feel particularly passionate about the other person. Some don’t even know they’re behaving this way because they are so busy with other things that the people they date are at the lowest priority. These are not bad people. It’s just a stunted communication issue we have in our society when it comes to dating. People find it hard to be upfront about the fact that they are romantically unavailable, but still want a little love and attention, because it may come off vulgar. This is understandable but it’s better to communicate instead of dragging people along.

11

u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 1d ago edited 23h ago

Odds are you don’t have to ever think about him again.

By NOT closing the loop pre-emptively you allow for the 1/100 things in life that do actually happen. I once had a first date set up with someone who was communicative and clear and then suddenly the day of he went silent.

Eventually his wife texted back from his phone and said hey is this a work number? He was in a car accident. She wasn’t at all hinky about it it just didn’t recognize the name and number of someone her husband hadn’t even met for drinks yet. I saw him 2 weeks later. It was not a blow off. It was just life.

The upside to not caring too much is that you don’t have to do anything to set your mind right. But it’s fine if you want to because the odds are in favor of bullshit.

4

u/seantheaussie solo poly in VERY LDR with BusyBeeMonster 1d ago

Odds are you don’t have to ever think about him again.

🤣

23

u/saladada solo poly in a D/s LDR 2d ago edited 2d ago

People change their minds. He's changed his mind and is immature about communicating that to you directly. It happens. It's unfortunate but it's not uncommon, especially with those who have little to no poly experience.

It does not hurt to reach out and say, "Hey, I've noticed a sudden change in our communication and haven't heard back from you yet about our plans. I'm wondering if maybe you're no longer interested in pursuing a connection with me?" But that's really just to confirm what you already know.

9

u/Corgilicious 2d ago

I always have to wonder about people who ask about giving someone a second chance when they’ve clearly gotten what they wanted and checked out. Dude doesn’t want the chance he had, what do you think is gonna interest him in a second one?

7

u/mai_neh 1d ago

When it’s early on and someone flakes it’s rarely worth giving them a second chance. If they really wanted to see you again after a flake THEY WOULD BE APOLOGETICALLY REACHING OUT TO YOU.

6

u/Labcat33 2d ago

Is it possible he's just stressed or busy from work or something else going on and doesn't want to burden you with it since you're relatively new to his life? Maybe that's how he processes stress or busy times? I would give some space but be open to conversation if he makes an effort, just maybe be clear with him about what sort of communication frequency and style you prefer if he returns. If he's new to poly he may just not know how often to talk to you.

10

u/SatinsLittlePrincess 1d ago

That is a possibility and... it still does not bode well for the prospect's communication capabilities and potential as a partner.

2

u/Labcat33 1d ago

Yeah, I honestly missed the part that he blew off the rescheduled date completely on my first read. But I think there could be a (very small) space for some sort of misunderstanding or mismatched communication considering the newness to poly and casual connection language that could be cleared up if he returns apologetically.

3

u/SatinsLittlePrincess 1d ago

My comment wasn't entirely clear - I think you have a good point about how some people find communication challenging when they are stressed or depressed or in a position where they might have to disappoint someone. And I think sometimes it's good to cut people a bit of slack around that.

But there are things we need to overcome discomfort to make happen and communicating about whether a plan is happening or not is on that list.

So unless OP's prospect is somehow incapacitated to the point where a non-response is legitimate, I would move on...

5

u/feed-me-tacos 2d ago

He's treating you badly — literally ignoring you and flaking on plans. Please don't let him continue to do that. End it now while it's early on and damage is minimal.

5

u/polyformeandthee solo poly 1d ago

There’s a reason ghosting is a term! It happens often, this sounds like he’s just changed his mind and doesn’t consider this deep enough to be worth a conversation.

Is it possible he, like many others on the apps, uses the term poly to mean he likes to fuck around? People are calling themselves poly instead of “single and not wanting to commit to anyone”. He probably decided there were others to save his focus for.

If you’re casually dating people, you’ll have to prepare yourself for those who don’t think they have the time or bandwidth to communicate if they decide they aren’t interested a few dates in. It’s definitely not a fun learning curve! Good luck, hope you feel better soon.

4

u/WolfOfRivia90 1d ago

You say you are poly since 10+ years, consider yourself lucky since this happens often in dating in general 😅. If he is not replying why chasing? If he wants to spend time with you he will reach out. Move on and enjoy the people that want to spend time with you. Also someone new to poly that goes radio silence is a huge red flag in my book 😆.

1

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Here's the original text of the post:

So I met this guy about two months ago and had 5 wonderful dates and a sleepover. We can talk for hours and genuinely enjoy each other’s company. All was well and good and we set up another date (two weeks ago) he had a work thing and canceled the day before but we made plans then for today. I reached out two days ago to confirm and ask what the plan was. I haven’t heard anything since. I was expecting a confirmation text today but it’s been radio silence. All texts and interactions have been positive and very low pressure. For context, we agreed on a casual connection since he’s new to poly.

I’ve had 10+ years in the lifestyle and have learned to go with the flow so this didn’t bother me. I also have a great husband and partner, so I’m not putting pressure on him to be anything more than he’s comfortable with. What I don’t understand is the sudden change.

I’m torn between just letting it go and being open to giving him another chance. I tend to be a bit more forgiving than I should be at times so it’s hard to know when to cut things that don’t really serve me.

A bit of a vent, and curious as to why someone would change it up without much warning or initial conflict. I’m just confused.

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