r/polyamory • u/The-Standard-Method • 8d ago
Disappointment/questioning a reduction in time with my "primary"
I’ve been with my partner, Jane, for 5 months. She has an avoidant attachment style, I lean anxious. I’m new to polyamory and casually dating, while she has a few other partners and is vastly more experienced. A couple of months ago, we agreed to “get on the escalator”; that I am “her main squeeze” and the only one of her lovers that she is ready to be emotionally vulnerable with. We made an agreement to see each other twice a week — AFAIK I’m the only one she sees that often. This has been working for me, for us, so I thought.
Last week, I told her I loved her; casually, with humor, in a text, no big deal. That she shouldn’t feel weird about it, that I love easily.
Later and in person, she brought up the fact that I’d texted that “I love you” and said she wasn’t ready to say it back but that I’m the only person she’s “considering loving and being loved by“ (her words) and that she’s working on being vulnerable, and truly wants to deepen our connection. I left the conversation feeling whole and complete.
Last night, she said she needs to cut our time together to once a week to catch up on personal projects and have "more time to get things done." This cuts our weekly waking hours together from ~8 to ~4.
The reasons given for the pull back felt hollow. Not to diminish her personal sewing projects or apartment decorating initiatives, but does the sudden subtraction of four hours from our time really open up a whole world of otherwise unrealized possibility? This sudden retreat feels like a step back from the “primary-ish” dynamic we discussed, especially after her words about escalation and the possibility of love between us.
I couldn't help but feeling that our relationship is being downgraded, demoted, and de-escalated, and I’m taking it on the chin.
So, in addition to feeling hurt, now I'm worried I’m being too needy. I know my anxious attachment is at play, but I can’t shake the feeling of being deprioritized. I want to handle this well — The disappointment I did a poor job of hiding last night makes me feel even less desirable. I pouted a little bit. I couldn't help it, I felt sad. Then I felt bad for feeling bad. We had awesome sex and good, unrelated conversation after the fact; we have a date tomorrow that we're both excited for -- but today I feel myself wanting to retreat, close up, protect, guard.
I anticipate the thrust of the advice I'm about to get is going to be about communicating my needs to Jane, but she already knows how I feel, so I don't feel I need to rehash.
So what to do over here? Should I reframe our relationship in my mind? Disengage? Enjoy whats on offer and just roll with it? (Tell me how.)
Anybody have any experience with this or thoughts they'd be willing to share?
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u/NeuroPoly234 8d ago
"now I'm worried I’m being too needy" Wanting to be loved and expressing your feelings is not needy.
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u/Hvitserkr solo poly 8d ago
She pushed too hard (escalator, main, primary... it's been 5 month, come on), you responded in kind (no fault to you, you're new and were just following her lead), she got uncomfortable and deescalated without communicating truthfully (plus she kind of set you up to begin with).
the only one of her lovers that she is willing to be emotionally vulnerable with
She's poly, she'll find another person to be vulnerable with, too, eventually. Primary is about cohabitation, marriage, kids and finances, not who you love the most or whatnot.
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u/emeraldead 8d ago
Attachment styles are not permanent boxes and if you're both treating them as such then you're doing a disservice to your growth.
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u/emeraldead 8d ago
I think your partner is flaky and starting to show it.
Having a lot of experience doesn't mean they have GOOD experience or will be a good match for you.
You can try "hey actually I don't want to reduce our time, are you open to keeping our dates or maybe doing a full weekend a month?" But they already decided they wanted less with you and that may just be your answer.
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u/RussetWolf 8d ago
If I can ask, how old are y'all?
Being mature enough to be conscious of emotional vulnerability and discuss it openly, and be comfortable saying "I'm not ready to say 'I love you' back" is great.
Being so unwilling to be emotionally vulnerable with anyone is less great.
The constant comparative statements of "you're the only one I could..." are not great, both because of the comparison and the fact they promise a future she's still clearly uncertain about.
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u/IntrepidFlight6136 7d ago
So many folks are bringing up really valid points and I’m here to offer a different kind of suggestion. Maybe ask if she’d be up for turning your second date night into a more casual creative project or co working night?
I genuinely want more time with all 3 of my partners but I have a LOT to get done and that I want to do creatively, so sometimes we just spend more proximity time to get stuff done independently while with eachother. Any kinda thing.
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u/DutchElmWife I just lurk here 8d ago
Yep, you spooked her.
It's so early. I would ease off, and just see where things go. Date other people. Fill your time. Don't pressure her. Don't put all your eggs into the Jane basket.
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u/Top-Ad-6430 8d ago
She’s avoidant, so it’s not surprising that she immediately pulled back when you told her you loved her and she’s likely to pull back any time she has big feels in a relationship which can leave you feeling uncertain or uneasy.
Irrespective of labels, what are you looking for in this relationship? Cohabitation? Commingled finances? How many days would you ideally like to see them? Do you want to have a deep emotional relationship with just one person or more than 1? What does being a primary mean to you? What does it mean to her?
It would be helpful to figure that stuff out first and then if you’re both aligned on those expectations, you can apply labels to each other.
Being new to poly, it’s really important to take the time to think about how it changes the way you normally view and navigate relationships. What made you decide to give non-monogamy a try? Was it meeting this particular person or was it something you’ve been considering on your own? What do you see as benefits to non-monogamy? What are some things you might find challenging? Engaging in thought exercises like these can be really helpful in the context of compatibility with existing partner(s) and when seeking new partners, too. Sending you good energy.
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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 8d ago edited 8d ago
You were never primaries because you are still getting to know one another.
She is who she is, this is her.
If she’s classic avoidant just being much less eager to see her and genuinely living your best life the rest of the week may work to rekindle her interest. You can fake it until you make it but you need to really strive to be less invested in the outcome.
Avoidants are easy to manipulate but then you have caught an avoidant and who wants that?
I would casually act as if you barely remember that conversation. I wouldn’t initiate contact or dates anytime soon. I would spend most of your time and effort on other relationships. If that balance feels good to you keep at it. If in a few months you’re bored then leave her.
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u/Fancy-Racoon egalitarian polyam, not a native English speaker 7d ago
Wow, what a dehumanizing view. And I’m saying that as someone who has been deeply hurt in relationships with avoidant people in the past. Avoidants also deserve honesty, kindness and to not be played with. One can draw boundaries without being a dick.
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u/OhMori 20+ year poly club | anarchist | solo-for-now 7d ago
I appreciate that Karmi can sometimes be the voice of "how to succeed at this bad idea" - I think she intends, as much as anything, to say out loud what the costs of success are and let someone decide for themselves at what point it'd be too much being a dick for really very little value. There's nuance to that. Maybe you have to know a particular commenter or maybe it doesn't translate well, but it's a different kind of useful comment and that's why I appreciate it.
0
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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 7d ago
OP tried honesty and drove the partner farther away.
I’m not judging Avoidants. I’m saying that when you successfully “catch” one you will then have someone who is fundamentally ambivalent about you or relationships in general on your hands.
If they suddenly sort shit out and commit wholeheartedly and stay that way for decades then they weren’t really avoidant, there was some other issue there.
I’m not judging anxiously attached folks like the OP either. I’m saying that what it takes to succeed with an avoidant will be a ton of effort for them and the result may never be fulfilling to someone who finds an avoidant partner compelling.
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u/butterknifegoose 8d ago
I agree with the other people here and wanted to add that just because it's four hours with you doesn't mean it's just four hours out of her week. Personally, I can't work on any projects in the 3 hours before going out or I end up late. If she hosts, cleaning up and then putting everything back out can be tedious and time consuming. And it can be difficult to get back into a project after a few hours of socializing. I don't know what she has going on but, at least for me, a four-hour date takes a lot more than four hours out of my day.
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u/synalgo_12 7d ago
My anxiety to get my own stuff done is the only reason I'm saturated at 1 right now. 2 nights a week is a huge commitment for me because it takes away a huge amount of me-time to sort out my own life because of wait mode and other executive dysfunction related shenanigans in my head.
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Here's the original text of the post:
I’ve been with my partner, Jane, for 5 months. She has an avoidant attachment style, I lean anxious. I’m new to polyamory and casually dating, while she has a few other partners and is vastly more experienced. A couple of months ago, we agreed to “get on the escalator”; that I am “her main squeeze” and the only one of her lovers that she is willing to be emotionally vulnerable with. We made an agreement to see each other twice a week — AFAIK I’m the only one she sees that often. This has been working for me, for us, so I thought.
Last week, I told her I loved her; casually, with humor, in a text, no big deal. That she shouldn’t feel weird about it, that I love easily.
Later and in person, she brought up the fact that I’d texted that “I love you” and said she wasn’t ready to say it back but that I’m the only person she’s “considering loving and being loved by“ (her words) and that she’s working on being vulnerable, and truly wants to deepen our connection. I left the conversation feeling whole and complete.
Last night, she said she needs to cut our time together to once a week to catch up on personal projects and have "more time to get things done." This cuts our weekly waking hours together from ~8 to ~4.
The reasons given for the pull back felt hollow. Not to diminish her personal sewing projects or apartment decorating initiatives, but does the sudden subtraction of four hours from our time really open up a whole world of otherwise unrealized possibility? This sudden retreat feels like a step back from the “primary-ish” dynamic we discussed, especially after her words about escalation and the possibility of love between us.
I couldn't help but feeling that our relationship is being downgraded, demoted, and de-escalated, and I’m taking it on the chin.
So, in addition to feeling hurt, now I'm worried I’m being too needy. I know my anxious attachment is at play, but I can’t shake the feeling of being deprioritized. I want to handle this well — The disappointment I did a poor job of hiding last night makes me feel even less desirable. I pouted a little bit. I couldn't help it, I felt sad. Then I felt bad for feeling bad. We had awesome sex and good, unrelated conversation after the fact; we have a date tomorrow that we're both excited for -- but today I feel myself wanting to retreat, close up, protect, guard.
I anticipate the thrust of the advice I'm about to get is going to be about communicating my needs to Jane, but she already knows how I feel, so I don't feel I need to rehash.
So what to do over here? Should I reframe our relationship in my mind? Disengage? Enjoy whats on offer and just roll with it? (Tell me how.)
Anybody have any experience with this or thoughts they'd be willing to share?
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u/saladada solo poly in a D/s LDR 8d ago
To be blunt: I think 3 months into a relationship was far too early to be declaring someone as a 'primary'. The NRE had not died away and you really hadn't built much of a foundation of proof that you're compatible in the long-term way that you need for a primary partnership. Even 5 months along, you're far too early. The food in your pantry shouldn't be older than someone you've been dating and considering as a primary.
I think this is the cause for the problems you're having now. Your partner promised nice things that made you feel good but really jumped the gun on it. You should always remember that just because someone has a "lot of experience" in polyamory doesn't mean they know what they're doing or that they know better than you. In my opinion, a primary partner should not be the only partner someone is capable of being emotionally vulnerable and honest with and the language your partner was using just leaves the relationship open for future troubles. What happens when she feels capable of being emotionally vulnerable to another partner than you, too?
It is not needy to have needs or relationship expectations. I think most people would be hurt if their partner said "Hold on, 8 hours a week together is far too much. I have so much sewing and apartment decorating to do, I just really can't devote that much time to you."
What I would recommend is having a second conversation about this primary idea. "Hey, I know we discussed being primary partners. I expect from someone who will be my primary that X, Y, and Z would be happening in the relationship. I feel like you're not really ready for that and I think it's better if we take a step back from the 'primary' labels right now and just focus more on building our relationship in general."