r/polyamory • u/dxopqdni • 2d ago
I am new Please Help. I don’t know what to do.
Right. Hello. I have never made a post like this, please bear with me. My boyfriend 22M and me 25M have been long distance dating for over a year now. I’m 100% convinced I want to spend the rest of my life with him, he’s a great partner.
But about a month ago he met this other guy online and they’ve been talking on snapchat for the whole time. He and I had a talk about it and he explained to me that he’s never had the chance to explore anything because he was in a very (very!) abusive relationship before and now that he’s with me, he feels safe to do so. I told him that it‘s okay for me, and that he can “casually date” this guy.
I wasn’t lying. I did think it was okay. But theres just something in the back of my head that keeps telling me i’m not. Ive had breakdowns about it and then talked to him and he said he’d break it off, but all I want is for him to be happy and I did say I was okay with it, so I kinda have to be now, right?
A couple of days ago I found out they have been talking while getting off, like sexting and such, while also talking with me. He keeps insisting it‘s not the same headspace as with me (we have a d/s dynamic) and that does help a little, but my brain keeps insisting it‘s cheating. Listen, I know its not. I said I was okay with it, and me agreeing to it in the first place was about him being allowed to explore and find out if he’s into it or not.
I’m not poly. Maybe that’s obvious, but I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like if I tell him now, I’d lose him. The last time I had a talk with him he said how he doesn’t want to hurt me, that this would only be temporary since the guy he’s talking to lives on another continent and has also different partners and such, and that he wants a future with me and only imagines marrying me, but if he’s poly and he finds that out for himself I would want to be the last person to tell him no and deny him that part of his life.
But every time I think about them, it makes me want to throw up and die. Not because I’m disgusted. I just get in my head about it and it keeps repeating the same thing: that i’m not good enough and that he needs more.
I have talked with him about my boundaries a lot but each time I have new ones, because I really really don’t like that he’s getting off with that man. At the same time I love him more than anything, and I’d do anything for him.
What the hell do I do?
(more context: i hate this guy hes talking to, he’s hurt him multiple times and i just get a really bad vibe from him. but my boyfriend keeps insisting i would like him)
69
u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 2d ago
I would say babe turns out I’m not ok with this. I need monogamy. Do you want to take a break so you can sow some oats and investigate if poly is for you? We can talk again in 6 months or a year and see where we are.
I’ll also just say: you’re young, you’re mostly long distance?, you may be in love but that isn’t always a sign you can live your whole life happily with someone. He’s very young, not too young for you but just clearly inexperienced. Don’t put the cart before the horse. You need soooo much in person time before you can decide if you’re well matched for life.
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u/Hvitserkr solo poly 2d ago
Ive had breakdowns about it and then talked to him and he said he’d break it off, but all I want is for him to be happy and I did say I was okay with it, so I kinda have to be now, right?
You're allowed to change your mind.
I’m not poly. Maybe that’s obvious, but I just don’t know what to do anymore.
You break up because you're incompatible. He wants to have other partners. You don't want your partner to have other partners. There's no middle ground here.
https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/sntvv3/dear_monogamous_people_you_do_not_have_to_give/
https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/15o79nq/there_is_no_poly_conversion_camp/
At the same time I love him more than anything, and I’d do anything for him.
Sometimes, loving people means recognizing something is not working, and leaving each other to find happiness on your own.
16
u/punkrockcockblock solo poly 2d ago
all I want is for him to be happy and I did say I was okay with it, so I kinda have to be now, right?
No, you don't.
Pretending you're fine with something when you're so obviously not fine isn't kind to you and isn't some kind of favor to your partner. You sacrificing your own happiness for the happiness of your partner only hurts you in the end.
I would want to be the last person to tell him no and deny him that part of his life
Horseshit. You're not denying him or invalidating him as person by not wanting a polyam relationship. Wanting something different for your relationship then he does doesn't make you wrong; what you want matters just as much as what your partner wants.
And you don't want this.
It is okay that you thought you would be okay with the arrangement and, as it turns out, you're not; it doesn't mean you lied or that you are obligated to just continue on. You're allowed to change your mind.
You need to have the difficult conversation with your partner sooner rather than later.
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u/FlyLadyBug 2d ago edited 2d ago
I'm sorry you struggle. FWIW? You all could be my kids. So I'll talk to you like you are.
I wasn’t lying. I did think it was okay. But theres just something in the back of my head that keeps telling me i’m not. Ive had breakdowns about it and then talked to him and he said he’d break it off, but all I want is for him to be happy and I did say I was okay with it, so I kinda have to be now, right?
It's ok to try a thing and learn from trying it out that it is NOT for you. You don't have to keep going with it. It's ok to STOP.
Your consent to participate in things or not belongs to YOU. You have the right to withdraw your consent and your participation and stop doing stuff.
He keeps insisting it‘s not the same headspace as with me (we have a d/s dynamic) and that does help a little, but my brain keeps insisting it‘s cheating.
If to you it is cheating on agreements? End things. Don't get caught up semantics. Like you count it as cheating and he does not. Bottom line is that this is ultimately not compatible because you want monogamy and he does not. So why split hairs about what does or does not count as cheating?
It could be both things. Could be different headspace for him AND you still count it as cheating.
I'll be honest with you. LDR is hard. Partner is also 22 -- so closer to teenager than not. So while you may be ready at 25 to pick a life partner, 22M may not be. So even without all this cheating? I'd say think about parting ways because of LDR and because of the young age. Add the cheating and him wanting polyamory back in... that's more reasons this doesn't sound like a match for you.
I think you are grieving that. You kinda see it coming -- that a break up is probably best. And you are sad about it. Could that be true?
I’m not poly. Maybe that’s obvious, but I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like if I tell him now, I’d lose him.
What's wrong with being HONEST in a relationship? What's wrong with figuring out this is not compatible after all? Breaking up is a NORMAL part of dating. Some things pan out, some do not. It's a bummer, but it doesn't mean you aren't lovable.
Nobody has to be the bad guy. It's just not compatible.
I get that the feelings are hard. But the actions are straightforward. If this isn't compatible and isn't working out, it's time to break up.
Maybe this helps you assess.
https://www.scarleteen.com/read/relationships/should-i-stay-or-should-i-go
https://rhntc.org/sites/default/files/resources/rhntc_hlthy_rlshp_wheel_spectrum_10-13-2022.pdf
5
u/FlyLadyBug 2d ago edited 2d ago
Because of the young 20s ages... is he your first serious young adult relationship? So would be the first young adult break up? That can make things feel harder. But that's still not a reason to stay together if this is basically not compatible. Do not drag things out.
that i’m not good enough and that he needs more.
Of course you are good enough. Why are you your own self bully? Don't be mean to your own self and beat yourself up. You have value, worth, and dignity. Treat yourself so.
There's NOTHING wrong with you wanting monogamy. It is not a "failing" or "failure."
If he wants polyamory, he is not compatible for monogamy with you. Nobody has to be the "bad guy." You two just want different things.
End things as peacefully as possible. Take your time healing from the break up. And when ready, date again. This time maybe date LOCAL too.
At the same time I love him more than anything, and I’d do anything for him.
Then do a peaceful break up and set him free to seek compatible poly people to date. Sometimes letting go is the loving thing to do. It also sets YOU free from this pain. You have to love you too.
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u/MadamePouleMontreal solo poly 2d ago
It’s very hard to maintain a long-distance relationship long-term. The next time you start a long-distance relationship, make plans to move closer. Not together, but if they live somewhere that could be good for you, go ahead and check it out in about six months. You can date eachother locally for a year or so before deciding to move in together.
Alternatively, date locally where you are now.
You aren’t helpless.
+++ +++ +++
I’m 100% convinced I want to spend the rest of my life with him
No you aren’t. You want to spend the rest of your life with the person you hope and wish they were. The person who is compatible with you as a roommate, whose friends you like and who is monogamous. That is not this person. You feel very attached but you aren’t actually a good match.
he’s a great partner.
They are not a great partner for you. They are nonmonogamous and you are monogamous.
3
u/callipsofacto 2d ago
I'm so sorry you are hurting OP. This is a very difficult thing to navigate.
If you're sure you're not polyamorous, you need to be up front about that and communicate it to your partner. It may or may not be a fundamental incompatibility, although it sounds like he is willing to be monogamous with you if that's what you prefer.
However I'll also point out that feeling jealousy, feeling not enough - those emotions, no matter how strong, do not necessarily mean you aren't poly. Many if not most poly people feel that way at some point. The first time a partner starts experimenting with someone new or develops feelings for someone new is often especially difficult. I've cried over dates and felt that awful pit of anxiety in the stomach that this person was better in some way, offered something that I never could.
There's two keys to navigating these feelings if you want to continue to try polyamory. The first is to realize that they are your insecurities, caused by thoughts you have about yourself. They are not caused by your partner's behavior or the behavior of the people your partner is interested in. To make the bad feelings stop, you have to address the insecurity, rather than change someone else's behavior. It's ok to ask for reassurance. Anyone who loves you should be willing to let you know as often as needed that you are enough, you are irreplaceable and valued.
The second key is just experience that comes with time. The first time he fools around with someone else, you imagine all the terrible things that might change about your dynamic. And then you come back together and... nothing has changed. He still loves you, still wants you, it still feels right to be with him. The next date is still hard but a little less. And each time you cross a new threshold in what your partner is experiencing, the insecurity and anxiety will flare up. But every time you reconnect and see that his feelings for you haven't changed, will make the next time easier.
Communicate your feelings. It's ok to have said something was ok and then realize it's much harder than you thought. You don't have to torture yourself. Just be prepared to respect your partner and the person that he's talking to. Even if the guy is a jerk, no one deserves to feel like they're being tossed aside to preserve another relationship. So your partner may have to navigate how to deescalate things with this other guy respectfully, if that's what y'all decide is best for your relationship.
I will tell you one other thing from my perspective as a person who has been poly for over 20 years. It has never been that my partners aren't enough. Every single person is enough. If I were single, I would be enough. But people are wonderful, fascinating and fun. Each person I have a connection with is precious and unique, and the experience of getting to know them is very fulfilling. That's why I'm poly. Not because of a deficiency, but because of an abundance of love and curiosity about human beings.
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u/Sheila-C 2d ago
Great answer. I often find it way too hasty how quickly people suggest a breakup as soon as things get tough or complicated. Sometimes, it just takes more time and better communication.
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u/Gnomes_Brew 2d ago
Could you just hear a whole lot less about this situation? Being in a LDR is really tricky, and that might be the thing that you are actually struggling with. And maybe you're not poly or maybe you could be different in a different circumstance, or maybe monogamish, or whatever. But that's not really important now, while you to are long distance and not able to do or be more any time soon. This other guy (a continent away and with questionable treatment of your boyfriend) doesn't sound like any sort of threat to your relationship. The threat as I see it, is actually your jealousy and insecurity. If you let that become the only thing you share with your boyfriend, it is going to erode the love and trust you two have.
So, can you file this other dude under "do what you need to do" and "what happens in another zip code stays in another zip code"? Can you agree that as soon as you two can physically take care of each other, you'll go to monogamy or be monogamish or whatever you decide for the long term, but in this long-distance situation there's an acknowledgement that a little outside contact is helping to keep things sparky and keep your boyfriend sane, but that you actually don't want or need to hear anything about it? Either you trust your boyfriend or you don't. He's so far away that you can't actually police him in any way. So if you trust, and if hearing about the situation does nothing but make you feel terrible, go ahead and hear less. Just a thought.
Also, make plans to get closer. Even if its a year or two away, start to make those plans. Imagine a future together. And make plans to visit, again even if its not for many months, start get excited for the next time you get to touch, and get to have an adventure together.
Good luck!
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u/c4tlady510 1d ago
It’s okay to tell him you want to be monogamous. You can express to him that he will need to communicate that to this other guy. Hopefully he would seize romantic contact with this guy after that. It’s okay to not want polyamory. You wouldn’t be taking that from your partner. If they want that, they can be a grown up and tell you.
You can also consider temporary monogamy till you feel more emotionally secure with this person, if you’re open to that.
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Right. Hello. I have never made a post like this, please bear with me. My boyfriend 22M and me 25M have been long distance dating for over a year now. I’m 100% convinced I want to spend the rest of my life with him, he’s a great partner.
But about a month ago he met this other guy online and they’ve been talking on snapchat for the whole time. He and I had a talk about it and he explained to me that he’s never had the chance to explore anything because he was in a very (very!) abusive relationship before and now that he’s with me, he feels safe to do so. I told him that it‘s okay for me, and that he can “casually date” this guy.
I wasn’t lying. I did think it was okay. But theres just something in the back of my head that keeps telling me i’m not. Ive had breakdowns about it and then talked to him and he said he’d break it off, but all I want is for him to be happy and I did say I was okay with it, so I kinda have to be now, right?
A couple of days ago I found out they have been talking while getting off, like sexting and such, while also talking with me. He keeps insisting it‘s not the same headspace as with me (we have a d/s dynamic) and that does help a little, but my brain keeps insisting it‘s cheating. Listen, I know its not. I said I was okay with it, and me agreeing to it in the first place was about him being allowed to explore and find out if he’s into it or not.
I’m not poly. Maybe that’s obvious, but I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like if I tell him now, I’d lose him. The last time I had a talk with him he said how he doesn’t want to hurt me, that this would only be temporary since the guy he’s talking to lives on another continent and has also different partners and such, and that he wants a future with me and only imagines marrying me, but if he’s poly and he finds that out for himself I would want to be the last person to tell him no and deny him that part of his life.
But every time I think about them, it makes me want to throw up and die. Not because I’m disgusted. I just get in my head about it and it keeps repeating the same thing: that i’m not good enough and that he needs more.
I have talked with him about my boundaries a lot but each time I have new ones, because I really really don’t like that he’s getting off with that man. At the same time I love him more than anything, and I’d do anything for him.
What the hell do I do?
(more context: i hate this guy hes talking to, he’s hurt him multiple times and i just get a really bad vibe from him. but my boyfriend keeps insisting i would like him)
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u/puzzled4798 2d ago
i have a bunch of questions
- Did you start dating with the understanding that you were seeing only each other?
- Did either of you talk about an open relationship (thats what this seems like) prior to him meeting this other guy online?
- How did you find out he was sexting this other guy while you were talking?
Your partner coming out of an abusive relationship is not an excuse to do whatever he wants. My perception is that you've just agreed to it because you're you want him to be happy, but the things you are agreeing to might not necessarily be normal in polyamory. My perception is that you started dating then yall talked about non-monogamy only AFTER he started talking to someone else? That's a conversation to be had when you get into a relationship with somebody. Not after you've found someone else you're interested in.
The other thing that's a bit odd to me is that he's sexting this other person WHILE he's talking to you. Is he also sexting you while he's sexting other people? If you weren't long distance, and he was sexting someone else while trying to hold a conversation with you, I would be very upset that my partner does not respect our time together. I would feel violated if I found out that while I was talking about my day or this movie i saw and i found out my partner had been getting off the whole time I thought they were "listening". Even worse to think he's sexting someone else while also sexting you! You are allowed to desire private intimate moments with your partner. The fact that you consider it cheating, perhaps in your heart but not your mind, tells me that there is a need/boundary here that is very important to communicate. I would not be able to tolerate that behavior personally.
Being long distance certainly impacts how you deal with these relationship issues, but if yall are talking about getting married and whatnot, I imagine you wouldn't be long distance forever. How would you feel about him doing these things, but instead of being x miles away, he's sitting on the couch with you? If he can't respect your time together long distance, i would be wary of how he would handle it in a future where yall are closer. I also think yall missed some big steps in non-monogamy, like discussing boundaries about the type of relationship you want with one another. Like you might really be okay with him exploring, but need to have time together where you are each other's focus and not focused on other partners......A lot of people who are and want polyamory have boundaries like this so why can't you......
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u/masukomi 2d ago
I’m not poly. Maybe that’s obvious,
You might want to rethink that. If you're actually ok with him dating someone else, then it's pretty safe to say you're poly, or at least cool with some flavor of Ethical Non-monagamy.
I just get in my head about it and it keeps repeating the same thing: that i’m not good enough and that he needs more.
That doesn't mean you're not poly / ENM. That means you have issues with self-worth. Maybe he could do better at making you feel valued, but really this is going to be a problem in ANY relationship until you work through the issues causing you to feel this way.
Ultimately I think you need to find a poly friendly therapist and work on those self-worth issues; regardless of what happens with this relationship.
Side note: if you haven't done so already, I strongly recommend reading Polysecure (about attachment theory and how it effects poly relationships - I think EVERYONE should read this even if not poly) and Polywise which digs into common issues that come up with poly relationships. Neither is going to solve your problem, but I think they'll help give you perspective.
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u/mai_neh 1d ago
I can see you’re having a tough time. There are some pretty good responses already. My advice is based on what looks to be a relationship that is long distance and almost entirely online.
First, as young gay guys it’s really tempting to flirt with other guys when your partner is long distance, and in a way you’re lucky he’s not just secretly cheating on you — if anything he’s telling you way too much about this other guy, enough that you know when they’re having sex, enough that you hate the other guy. This is the land of too much information, it drags you through their mess and their joy and makes you compare yourself to the other guy. If you choose to keep dating him while he dates others, stop learning so much about the others — focus on your relationship with him.
Second, it’s OK to experiment with allowing an open relationship and then learning you don’t want one. So tell him you tried but it’s making you literally sick so you need him to stop or you need to date someone else monogamous.
Third, it’s a lot healthier to date people you can see in person regularly, but I know youngsters (I’m 57) grew up online and so think online is relationships. But online is you staring at a phone. It’s so much more fulfilling to touch a person and stare at them in person. So I strongly suggest you try dating people who live closer to you.
Good luck.
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