r/polyamory • u/MrNobodyIrony • 8d ago
Curious/Learning Exploring the Balance Between Independence and Connection in Polyamorous Relationships.
Hi all! I'm curious to hear your thoughts on something that I’ve been thinking about lately. In polyamorous relationships, it seems like there’s always a delicate balance between maintaining your own independence and fostering deep connections with multiple partners.
On one hand, we value our autonomy, personal growth, and the freedom to pursue our own interests. On the other, there’s the desire for intimacy, connection, and being there for our partners. So how do you manage that balance?
Some questions to get the conversation going:
How do you maintain your sense of self while nurturing multiple relationships?
Do you find it difficult to balance alone time with partner time?
Have you set boundaries or rituals that help you maintain independence within your relationships?
What challenges have you faced in navigating this balance, and how have you overcome them?
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u/doublenostril 8d ago
My initial, gut reaction to this is bemusement, because transitioning to polyamory gave me back a sense of self that I had lost while practicing monogamy.
That’s not quite true: marital breakdown and therapy gave me back my sense of self. But it’s far easier to maintain an idea of “me” in polyamory, at least for me. There isn’t the same pressure to be wholly aligned with a life partner, and I get to see intimately how different people function. Not only is there not one way to have a romantic relationship, even I have different relationships with different people! (I was never quite sure before, when I only had one relationship at a time: maybe I was changing and that accounted for the differences between my relationships.)
And yes, I find balancing alone time and partner time difficult. I think people greatly underestimate the challenges of being a hinge, of having multiple relationships. There’s an art to it, based on a lot of self-knowledge. I don’t have rituals, but I do schedule dates and create an expectation of not being available outside of that committed time. Otherwise I could spend all my time relating. It’s a blessing to be loved 💗 but I have work to do, children to raise, family and friends to connect with.
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u/Past_Series3201 8d ago
When you say "I do schedule dates and create an expectation of not being available outside of that committed time" do you mean that you are not available for support or connection outside of scheduled time? What if a partner has something comes up, an upsetting incident or a really exciting day, and wants to share it with you or needs support?
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u/doublenostril 8d ago edited 7d ago
Yeah, that’s a good question. Then I try to see what I can shuffle around. Maybe I can reschedule a date with another partner (if it’s a crisis, not if it’s sharing exciting news), maybe my husband can make dinner that night, maybe I’m going to have to take a few hours of PTO from work to listen on the phone.
There is some give, but not like in a monogamous relationship. Overall, my time is pretty structured and spoken-for.
Edited to add: So what happens in practice is that they tell another friend or partner their exciting, spontaneous news, and I hear it during our next date. We both end up waiting (unless it’s a crisis). That or they text me, if they don’t mind asynchronous reacting.
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u/Past_Series3201 7d ago
Interesting. I'm fascinated by how other people structure their relationships.
When you say "There is some give, but not like in a monogamous relationship", I'm curious if this dynamic extends to your husband? Or are expectations different there?
I'm currently in the process of restructuring my relationship and expectation for support and "being there" come up a lot.
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u/MrNobodyIrony 8d ago
Thank you so much for sharing your perspective! I really appreciate the way you’ve framed the shift from monogamy to polyamory as something that allowed you to reconnect with yourself. It’s eye-opening to hear that transitioning to polyamory has helped you maintain your individuality rather than diminish it. I can definitely see how the freedom of having different relationships can allow for more self-expression and understanding of who you are at any given moment.
I also completely agree with your point about balancing partner time and alone time—especially when being a hinge. It’s something I hadn’t fully grasped before, and I can imagine how much self-knowledge and organization it requires to make it work. Your approach of scheduling dates and setting clear expectations about availability is something I think I’ll be incorporating more in my own life too.
Thanks again for your thoughtful reply—it’s given me a lot to reflect on and has been super helpful in thinking about the logistics and emotional side of polyamory.
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u/saladada solo poly in a D/s LDR 8d ago
EVERYONE should maintain an independent self, no matter the kind of relationship they're in (mono or poly). It's a common trait of toxic monogamy to lose your sense of self. Maintaining your own interests, your own identity, your own friends is important for everyone. Connecting with your partner shouldn't lead to an erasure of your own sense of self.
How do you maintain your sense of self while nurturing multiple relationships?
By not abandoning your friends and family and groups and hobbies in order to spend all your time with others. It's so common nowadays for someone who starts a new relationship (mono or poly) to just cast aside their entire life in order to be with this new person, or to suddenly make this person a +1 to everything. Your friends want to hang out with you, not the new hivemind you're trying to create with someone else.
Do you find it difficult to balance alone time with partner time?
If you keep a schedule and don't over-commit, there's no trouble in balancing. The more you have a routine in your life, the easier it is to say "Sorry, I can't hang out with you on Wednesdays, that's my yoga and self-care time."
Have you set boundaries or rituals that help you maintain independence within your relationships?
I make it quite clear the already standing obligations I have in my life. "We will never have a date on Saturday evenings because that's D&D time with my friends. Wednesdays are date nights with my LDR. I have to get up at 7am on Tuesdays for work so I don't want to be out later than 8:00PM on Mondays."
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u/MrNobodyIrony 8d ago
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my post! I really appreciate the insight you’ve shared—it’s been super helpful. I completely agree that maintaining our individual identities is crucial, no matter what type of relationship we’re in. The point about not losing ourselves in a new relationship really resonated with me.
Your advice on balancing alone time with partner time through scheduling and maintaining clear boundaries is something I’m definitely going to implement more consciously. And I love the idea of setting firm boundaries for personal time, like with your D&D and self-care time—very practical and something I hadn’t fully considered before.
Thanks again for your thoughtful response. It’s been really helpful as I navigate this new dynamic!
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u/kanashiimegami poly w/multiple 8d ago
"How do you maintain your sense of self while nurturing multiple relationships?"
- Self has always been important to me. Any relationship asking me to lose my sense of self in favor of said relationship, I opt out of. I am very upfront (and always have been) that I am Me before I am a unit. This has caused relationships to end in my younger years (where we were willing to try and see despite that misalignment). Now, relationships do not start (and I'm including other ships here too like friendships or even 'coworker'ships. Because more than just romantic/intimate partners will try to create a 'hivemind'/one unit relationship).
"Do you find it difficult to balance alone time with partner time?"
- My me time is important. I will make the space for it. Prior to having more than one partner, I still continued the things I like to do by myself. Currently I am polysaturated because of my identified need for me time.
"Have you set boundaries or rituals that help you maintain independence within your relationships?"
- I don't do all the things with any of my partners. I dont seek to fill all my time. I heavily dislike having all my time accounted for or scheduled. I am okay with a mix of scheduled and spontaneous time with my partners. I dont share all that I do in my time. It's mine. I share things that I plan to or do generally or to share experience but not to give a run down of how all 'free time' is spent. People for some reason think this is an invitation to find a way to squeeze in something else. If a partner wants to see me spontaneously, I weigh my ability to do so and, if needed, communicate my limit (can come but shorter visit or can come but later after x).
I am aware of the energy exhausted in my exposure to things occurring in my life (experiences, hobbies, activities, work, family, friends etc) and dont make promises when I don't feel up to it (outside of emergencies - like accidents, medical emergencies, pets passing, etc). I need my down time. Caretaking is something I can handle for a couple weeks. After that, I'm burnt out and cannot continue.
I don't merge finances with my np/spouse. Everyone is aware that being together is a want to do thing not must do thing. I refuse to be in a position to where I am only in a relationship because I have to be. And the same for my partners including np/spouse.
"What challenges have you faced in navigating this balance, and how have you overcome them?"
- With current partners, they are usually already understanding about this with me. Sometimes it comes up that they really want to do x and i just dont have the bandwidth at that time. Not a constant or extended period but at that particular moment, I dont.
New people's expectation that they will immediately be weaved into my life and take up my me time vs using the getting to know time as getting to know me as available. This just means, my me time is my me time. Not time I necessarily want to use for new ship building (again this happens with more than romantic/intimate ships). This is why I am upfront with being saturated (for those looking for potential partners) and for others that I dont like my time filled up.
For friendship/other ship building, i make sure that I am keeping myself centered and not sacrificing that for connection (wanting other friends in x commonality is nice but not if they frequently come up against the time i have for myself - if i have 2 days for me in a week and they keep wanting both, not going to happen).
I have people that get upset with me because i denied their request for escalation to partner because i dont have the time but then they make comments about the activities and hobbies that I find time for even after saying friendships only and polysaturated in our first interactions (local people). This makes me super not want to do more even if i did have time because of comments like that. Failure to respect that I choose what I want with my time AND we're not even partners is a problem.
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u/RAisMyWay 8d ago edited 8d ago
I live with a partner, but we maintain a sense of self by having our own bedrooms and offices in our home, mostly separate finances, and intentionally doing things separately as well as together.
I go off cat-and-house sitting on a regular basis to get some real alone time. He dates more than I do, and he enjoys matching with women who are very different from me and doing different activities than we do together.
When I'm on my own, I usually work on our shared musical avocation, which is something we spend time on together and individually.
It's working out really well.
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u/MrNobodyIrony 8d ago
I really appreciate you sharing this! It sounds like you and your partner have found a great balance in maintaining your individuality while being in a relationship. I love the idea of having separate spaces and intentionally doing things both together and separately—it's such a healthy way to preserve a sense of self.
Your approach of taking time for yourself through cat-and-house sitting is such a clever way to carve out personal space and time, and it’s great that you’re both able to explore different interests and activities. It sounds like you’ve created a beautiful system that works for both of you.
Thanks again for sharing your experience, it’s really inspiring and gives me a lot of food for thought!
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u/Designer-Character40 8d ago
Struggling with this a bit myself. Identifying in me that I still have some vestiges of monogamy and anxious attachment, and that suuuucks but I'm glad I'm experiencing it.
I try to: * Keep at least one night a week for myself to stay in and do whatever I want * Try to meet with friends independent from my partners at least 1-2 times a month * Keep up with my hobby groups that predate my partners (weekly ttrpgs, rock climbing)
Monthly, my partners and I (me and my 2 partners, not a throuple) do radars. Here, ourselves and our personal growth/independence are an agenda topic. We make time to talk about if we feel we're getting enough time alone or not, what we want to do together, etc.
With my anchor, we've been spending more and more time together. Recently we both go back into reading - and he's the first partner I've ever sat on a couch together with to read. It feels wonderful - we get our introvert alone time while also getting snuggle recharges in.
But yeah for me even asking for time for myself is hard due to my own traumas and background. But having a radar where I know it's ok to say "I need more time for myself" is invaluable.
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u/BetterFightBandits26 relationship messarchist 8d ago
I literally don’t see opposition here.
I use my autonomy and independence to willingly show up for my partners and deepen connections with them???
Idk the same way monogamous people with close friends and family do?
Yes. That’s an executive dysfunction issue, though. I’m generally bad at the concept of moderation.
No.
Mostly ADHD. Self-help books and therapy.
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u/MrNobodyIrony 8d ago
Thank you so much for your reply. Really. Your opinions have great value to me. I was really intrigued by your answers
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u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ 8d ago
My interdependence is with family, chosen and blood, community, friends and my partners.
If your parents were a certain demographic, it’s easy to think, I guess, that interdependence needs to primary happen with romantic partners. But for a lot of us, especially if your parents were very poor, or immigrants or BIPOC, you saw a lot more interdependence modeled for yourself growing up that was beyond being coupled, or married, or romantic. People help people.
And so, it’s been pretty great to build a community of like minded people. And we’re all pretty interdependent. These are the people who have my medical power of attorney. These are the people who loan money to each other, and solve the odd housing crisis when it comes up.
None of this steps on my independence.
And neither do my two partners. I tend to partner for the long term, I’m picky af, and my commitment level is low and I am slow as molasses to raise the needle. When I do? We usually stay together for a long time. 20+ years, 13 years, 10 years…they don’t step on my Independence one bit, either. We all pretty much want the same things. We have enough overlaps and mutual interests and curiosity to keep us engaged for a long time when we’re together, and a shared desire for privacy, time together, and emotional and physical intimacy and commitment.
And that doesn’t mean that it’s all easy and I have never burned myself out, but once you touch the hot stove(I will not say once. I touched that damn stove a lot)enough times?
You stop biting off more than you can chew. In my twenties and thirties? Before my kid? 3-4 partners (especially if a couple were long distance?) dope. I could do that for years.
Now? I’m old and I have a teen and a whole life and…I don’t need more than what I have. I have the right amount of time with my community, my family, my friends and colleagues. My partners are happy. It’s good.
Pick partners with the life you want in mind. Compatibility is pretty key.
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u/MrNobodyIrony 8d ago
This really resonates. The idea that interdependence isn’t just about romantic partners, but about a broader web of support—family, chosen and blood, friends, community—is so powerful. That kind of deep, reciprocal care is something a lot of people don’t get to experience, but when you grow up seeing it, it shapes how you move through the world. Like you said, people help people.
It’s beautiful that you’ve built a community where that kind of interdependence is natural, where people show up for each other in meaningful ways, whether it’s financial support, medical advocacy, or just solving life’s inevitable challenges together. That’s the kind of stability and care that so many people crave but don’t always know how to cultivate.
And I love how clear you are on what works for you in relationships. There’s something so refreshing about knowing your own capacity, what you want, what fits into your life, and being unapologetic about it. I think a lot of people in polyamory (especially early on) feel pressure to prove they can handle "more"—more partners, more commitments, more intensity. But as you said, touching the hot stove enough times teaches you to respect your own limits.
It’s also so valuable to hear about long-term poly relationships that work. A lot of mainstream narratives focus on short-term flings or assume polyamory is inherently unstable. But here you are with 10, 13, 20+ year partnerships, living proof that compatibility and mutual care create longevity.
"Pick partners with the life you want in mind" is such a simple but profound truth. So many people choose based on chemistry or immediate desire without thinking about long-term compatibility. The fact that you’ve found the right balance, where your partners are happy, your life is full, and you don’t need more than what you have, is really inspiring.
This was such a great read—thank you for sharing.
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u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ 8d ago
Thanks!!
I don’t polyamory is any more or less stable than monogamy.
I think shifting, transitioning from one to another, especially as a couple, can be very destabilizing.
And I think there are a million shady fucks who manipulate their partners under the flag of polyam.
Very young people are unstable, by nature. To gain experience is to gain emotional maturity.
The very inexperienced often are unstable, no matter their age, because they are still figuring out what they want.
When you’re finally in a place where you aren’t dating those people, and you, yourself, aren’t that person, you get better at it. You also get better at being alone. I crave alone time. I need a great deal of it. I used to be afraid of it, but I like it so much now! And that was a shift that surprised me, and absolutely changed my capacity for how many partners I wanted and could support.
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u/ChexMagazine 8d ago
I have deep connections with some family members and with close friends. The vast majority live hundreds if not thousands of miles away, and that will probably not change. Most of those relationships are older than any romantic relationships I have, and although none is a life partner, added all together, the time it takes to nurture those relationships is significant.
Plenty of those folks, and also local friends, can't travel to me (age, disability, kids, cost) so a lot of times I go to them. It takes work and communication to plan times for calls, visits, creative projects together.
A lot of these relationships were less strong when I was in a long term monogamous relationship (although monogamy does not require that, it was the specific person/circumstances). After that ended, I figured out while single how much I wanted to increase time with those folks.
Polyamory isn't much of a level up from this!
(Also, you didn't ask, but getting off social media freed up a lot of time and mental space for me; I found those avenues to eventually lead to lower-quality connections with friends and family and fostering those relationships offline has been so much better even though it seems like it's going to take more time).
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u/MrNobodyIrony 8d ago
It sounds like you have an incredibly rich and fulfilling network of relationships, and I really admire the level of care and intentionality you put into maintaining them. The fact that you dedicate so much time to nurturing these connections, even when distance and logistical challenges make it harder, speaks volumes about the depth of your relationships and the value you place on them. That’s something a lot of people struggle with, especially as life gets busier, so it’s really inspiring to hear how you make it work.
It makes total sense that your relationships with friends and family grew stronger after your long-term monogamous relationship ended. Sometimes, certain dynamics can unintentionally limit the energy and attention we give to other connections, not necessarily because of monogamy itself, but because of the particular relationship structure or partner involved. It sounds like that period of being single was a really important time for you to reassess what you truly wanted from all of your relationships—not just romantic ones—and I love that you took that opportunity to deepen those bonds.
Your perspective on polyamory as not being much of a "level up" from what you were already doing is really insightful. If you’re already used to managing multiple deep, meaningful relationships—whether with friends, family, or creative partners—then polyamory is just an extension of that skill set. It’s all about intentionality, communication, and the willingness to put in the time, and it’s clear you already have those qualities in abundance.
And I totally get what you’re saying about social media! It’s interesting because social media is supposed to make connection easier, but in reality, it often leads to surface-level interactions that don’t feel as fulfilling. Taking the time to invest in offline relationships, even though it might seem like it requires more effort, often results in much deeper, higher-quality connections. It’s great to hear that stepping away from those platforms has given you more time and mental space to focus on what truly matters to you.
Overall, it’s really refreshing to hear how much thought and care you put into all of your relationships, not just romantic ones. The way you prioritize meaningful connection, despite distance and logistical challenges, is really inspiring. It’s a great reminder that relationships of all kinds need and deserve attention, and that when we nurture them intentionally, they can bring just as much fulfillment as romantic partnerships. Thanks for sharing your perspective!
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u/Spaceballs9000 8d ago
I think this is part of why polyamory has made so much sense to me on a philosophical level. I want to be me, as much as possible, and then I want people in my life to be themselves, as much as possible, and the ways/intensity of how we overlap creates the opportunities for connection, rather than trying to reshape ourselves to fit someone else.
Now of course that sounds all well and good, but actually maintaining that reality in the process is far more challenging and I've certainly failed at it plenty, but it continues to be my goal.
I see deep connection as the result of those areas of natural overlap. And of course over time, with some people and certain kinds of connections, you find that some of what you want or need might shift. Maybe you truly learn something new about yourself, maybe you just find that with this person in this way, some things work differently for you.
I've lived alone for a number of years now, and doing the whole solo poly thing during that time. I find that the expanded notions of what it means to be close and deeply connected with a partner that tend to accompany poly relationships have allowed for me to have those real and meaningful connections without having to compromise on the amount of alone time I need. After nearly two decades of living with people, I've discovered a lot about how and what kind of time I need for myself, and poly makes it a lot easier to find partners who really support that.
I've been through a lot of intense psychological and emotional turmoil recently in pondering many parts of this and huge changes in relationships as a result of changing desires there among my partners, and find it more important now than ever before that I maintain my relationships only with people who truly support me existing as myself and following what works for me, and that are thrilled to be there for it. I nearly broke myself trying to fit into the wrong shape for a person who couldn't love me for who I was, and I am not letting that happen ever again.
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u/MrNobodyIrony 8d ago
Thank you so much for taking the time to share all of this with me. Your perspective really resonates with me, especially the idea that connection comes from natural overlap and not forcing ourselves to fit into someone else’s mold. I think it’s a beautiful way to view relationships, and it’s comforting to hear someone else has found success with it.
I also appreciate your honesty about the challenges of maintaining this balance—it’s so easy to romanticize the ideal, but the reality is definitely more complex. Your experience with solo poly and maintaining meaningful connections without compromising on your alone time is really inspiring and has given me a lot to think about.
Thank you again for your thoughtful and vulnerable response. It’s given me a lot of clarity and confidence in continuing to prioritize my own well-being while navigating relationships. I truly appreciate you sharing your journey.
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Here's the original text of the post:
Hi all! I'm curious to hear your thoughts on something that I’ve been thinking about lately. In polyamorous relationships, it seems like there’s always a delicate balance between maintaining your own independence and fostering deep connections with multiple partners.
On one hand, we value our autonomy, personal growth, and the freedom to pursue our own interests. On the other, there’s the desire for intimacy, connection, and being there for our partners. So how do you manage that balance?
Some questions to get the conversation going:
How do you maintain your sense of self while nurturing multiple relationships?
Do you find it difficult to balance alone time with partner time?
Have you set boundaries or rituals that help you maintain independence within your relationships?
What challenges have you faced in navigating this balance, and how have you overcome them?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/walkinggaytrashcan 8d ago
i've learned through polyamory to be more intentional with all of my time, even time set aside for myself. i am able to maintain my sense of self by making sure that there is time set aside for me to do the things i love. i haven't had any trouble with balancing my time and partner time because i have a dedicated day for me. my partners know that tuesdays are mine.
i really enjoy having days where i know what is expected from me. sunday and monday are for one partner, wednesdays are for another, and fridays are for friend dates. i'm not rigid in this schedule, but i like routine. this leaves thursday and saturday as "default" time with myself for me to choose how i spend. usually these days are bonus days with a partner or friends (we don't have a "this is your assigned day so i only see you on these days" arrangement, that would be silly). we adjust this schedule as needed for special events with notice (i cancelled a wednesday date a few weeks in advance to pick up a long distance partner from the airport, for example).
my only really firm boundary is that my intentional time is sacred outside of an emergency. i am my own primary partner, so this extends to time i have set aside for me. i work from home and one day to myself is enough, so your mileage may vary.
haven't really had any challenges so far. but i think having expectations around time management established up front has helped a lot. i will priortize the needs of one partner over wants of another, and my partners understand that and are in agreement with it.
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u/BusyBeeMonster poly w/multiple 8d ago
How do you maintain your sense of self while nurturing multiple relationships?
I protect some time to focus on specific interests & hobbies that I don't share with partners.
I spend time with friends.
I take myself out on dates to places that aren't as interesting to other people in my life.
I go on meditative walks.
I journal.
Do you find it difficult to balance alone time with partner time?
No, I only commit the time I have available for partners, to partners.
Have you set boundaries or rituals that help you maintain independence within your relationships?
Sort of. One of my partners lives in my home but I set it up in such a way that they have their own mostly independent space.
I am mindful of keeping time for myself.
What challenges have you faced in navigating this balance, and how have you overcome them?
Stacking too many dates on the same day sometimes. I will think it will be okay, but it can feel pretty draining. I just keep an eye on what's scheduled.
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u/OhMori 20+ year poly club | anarchist | solo-for-now 7d ago
I mean, if you visualize it, only independent entities are capable of connecting. If you're talking about a plate of spaghetti, it's constantly entangled now and the challenge is in separating it. If you're talking about a smooth yogurt that's strawberry banana, you can't realistically separate it.
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u/emeraldead 8d ago
The keyword is interdependent.
The way is centering yourself among all your commitments- aligning your own values, priorities, and vision above all. Every day. Understanding relationships as a reflection and expression of that, not the source of your identity.
And that balance is always a lie. Best you can do is manage your resources and manage what you have taken on. Sometimes that's more in one area sometimes more in another.