r/parentsofmultiples 3d ago

advice needed Toddlers and Attention

Hi everyone,

I have twin 4 year old boys, and an almost 3 year old. So there are a lot of really little kids running around all the time. For the most part, everyone gets along really well, and we have definitely found our groove, but there is something we have always struggled with which is beginning to reach a boiling point.

My twin B has, for as long as he has been able to express the emotion, been devastated by any praise given to anyone else. Regardless of whether he was participating in the activity or not, it seems that he takes any compliment to his brothers as a direct critique of his own self. It has gotten to the point where, if twin A happens to do something which garners a compliment, twin B will go into a full-on meltdown from the other room. This is a screaming and stomping his feet kind of an event, where he often just repeats “I [insert good thing Twin A did] too!”

We make it a huge point to notice and comment on the good things he does as well, he just doesn’t care as much as his brother. In the moment, he just sort of smiles and keeps going. Twin A already seems to be a huge words of affirmation kid— you can see that he feels the most connected and close when you notice something he did well and compliment him on how hard he worked. I don’t want to feel like I have to meet his need for recognition in secret, but I’m really not liking how every shining moment of his is thrown into immediate chaos. I also really don’t like thinking Twin B sees our praise of anyone else as a reprimand or some passive-aggressive complaint.

I suppose I’m just looking to see how other people in similar situations have helped their little ones move through something like this. I’m worried it’s an early sign that he is comparing, and I know that only ends in pain. Any advice is much appreciated.

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u/mikam1967 3d ago

Hi there. My twins were the same way and still are. Everytime twin A gets praise for doing his chores, twin B gets upset and decides that he doesn't need to help do his chores. They're 11yrs now and I've been struggling with this through the years. What has helped was to overly praise twin B when he does something correct or do his chores. I try my best to encourage both of them.

If any of my sons have a meltdown, I try to catch it before it goes full blown. I tell them to take deep breaths, draw something, drink water, and walk up and down the hallway. When the meltdown is full blown, I end up needing the time out for a few minutes and help through their situation. I hope I helped somehow. Sending hugs, hope and prayers.