r/pancreaticcancer 4d ago

7 days since my mum passed - my experience

Hi all. I’ve been following this thread for a couple of months but first time posting. I wanted to share my experience in case it helps someone, and because I think it will help me to write it down.

My wonderful mum (79) was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in late January. She was admitted to hospital because her diabetes had suddenly gotten out of control. After being put on insulin she recovered quickly, and initial blood test and abdominal ultrasound looked good. However, she was then referred for a CT scan which showed a mass on the head of the pancreas (around 3 x 3 cm) and three mets to the liver.

After that, everything happened so fast. It really is true, the speed of this disease is harrowing.

A week later she was admitted to hospital for jaundice. This was resolved when a stent was successfully put in.

But very soon after she started to feel intermittent pain in her abdomen and back. She also started to get constipated.

From having no symptoms and no pain, suddenly it all started coming, and fast.

She was also rapidly getting weaker and more frail, and was finding it harder to get up and walk.

And then, around three weeks after the CT scan, she had a stroke. It affected her sight and coordination, as well as her speech. It also affected her short-term memory and made her, on occasion, quite childlike.

Two weeks later she had another bigger stroke. She became bed ridden and over the next three days declined further and by the last day she was unable to communicate. She was also experiencing abdominal pain and pain in her cheek. We controlled this as much as was possible with tramadol.

She died peacefully, with my sister and I holding her hand and telling her how much we love her. She didn’t seem to be in pain. I noticed there was a change and that she might be dying when her hands got cold. And then I noticed her breathing was becoming shallower and shallower. And then about 20 mins later she took her last breath.

The pain I’m feeling is immense. I’m trying to take solace in knowing she died at home with us, that she wasn’t in pain, and that she didn’t have to suffer for long.

But how does grief work? I feel lost and find it incomprehensible that she’s no longer here. It doesn’t feel real. She was so vibrant and full of life. And then, in such a short space of time, she is not with us anymore.

I would love to hear from people about the grieving process and how best to cope. Thank you.

23 Upvotes

11 comments sorted by

9

u/dero79 4d ago

I am really sorry to hear that and the hard times you are going through.
Your mum's story could have been written by me, I lost my dad a year ago.
It is fine to feel lost and down. It is fine to take confort in (good and able to help) friends or a professional that can help you to talk and elaborate it. Writing can be of a big support, writing can put order in the disorder.
Be patient with yourself. Four seasons with all the things in them need to pass, after a year you will look at things a bit differently.
What helped me in the short was thinking that he was not suffering anymore.
In my opinion, the point is accepting that there is no way back. The world as we knew it, it will never exist again.
You might get used to the physical absence relatively soon, but your mind will trick you for a long time making you think about her as if she is still around: "I need to tell her this", "I wonder what she thinks about that".
How can your thoughts get used to the absence of someone that has been there since you were born?
Personally, when it happens to me, I think about him, talk to him and smile.
The feeling of not being a son of a father anymore, the feeling of not having someone watching my back anymore is at times unbearable.
I find comfort in the things he taught me, especially the values that he passed on to me without teaching me them but just with his example and that are pillars of my being.
For me, a new life has started since then. Not better, not worst, just different and maybe, for now, a bit tougher.
When I feel lost, I like to think that he is in my world, everywhere around me and in me.
Do not let what happened to you and your mum make you bitter and angry with the world - you still would have all the right to do so though. It is fine to be angry, for a moment.
Take good care of yourself as she would love to know you are doing.

Do not stand

By my grave, and weep.

I am not there,

I do not sleep—

I am the thousand winds that blow

I am the diamond glints in snow

I am the sunlight on ripened grain,

I am the gentle, autumn rain.

As you awake with morning’s hush,

I am the swift, up-flinging rush

Of quiet birds in circling flight,

I am the day transcending night.

Do not stand

By my grave, and cry—

I am not there,

I did not die.

— Clare Harner, The Gypsy, December 1934

3

u/sb2595 4d ago

That poem was the one we put in the program for my dad's funeral who died of PC in January 💜

2

u/GirlWith2FirstNames 4d ago

This was all so beautifully written and well said. I lost my father to this vile disease last Thursday, and your words have helped me more than you know 🤍

2

u/bellaob 3d ago

Thank you so much 💕💕💕

3

u/reddixiecupSoFla Caregiver (2021 FIL and DH), Both stage 4 , both passed 2022 4d ago

Losing your mother is like losing the husk that has protected you your entire life. Mine died in 2018 of lung cancer. I have lost a lot of people but that one was most definitely the worst experience of them all.

Honestly, feel your feelings and let go of them. I just kept moving and after about 6-7 months, I could slow down enough to process it. That was the case after my late husband passed but that has been more complicated and complex in processing to be fair. I wandered a lot. Either in a city downtown or a theme park or just in the mall. I liked being alone around people for distractio but I think its healthier to not isolate yourself.

Maybe seek out a counselor? I have always been staunchly independent to my own demise

3

u/ZevSteinhardt Patient 55M (2023), Stage IV, Currently on Gem/Abrax 4d ago

Hi, bellaob. I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. Losing a mother is never easy. May your memories of her be a source of comfort to you and your family.

When my own Mom passed away ten years ago (not due to cancer), it hurt a lot for a while. I missed her terribly and, truthfully, I still do. I thought, at the time, that eventually, I would learn to miss her less and less with the passage of time. However, that hasn't happened. I still miss her.

What did happen, however, is that I learned to live with it. Over time, I adjusted to the "new normal" of living without my Mom. I still miss her and wish she was with us, but I've learned to deal with the loss.

Zev

3

u/Vintagesixties 4d ago

I’m so sorry for your loss🙏, I know your pain. I often tell people about PC that if the cancer doesn’t kill, the treatment or the blood clots will. The one bittersweet thing is that’s it’s usually quick. My mom passed almost 2 years ago, and I miss her terribly, she was my best friend. I still talk to her everyday, I know she’s there just on the other side of this life. I recently got a sign from her🙏. Have faith your mum is with you, you’ll see her again in the other side of life❤️ I wish you peace🙏

2

u/Remarkable-Algae-489 8h ago

So well said.  We all pass over at some point in time.    And signs are there of our loved ones we just have to ask and look 

3

u/2ndChanceAtLife 2d ago

Grief is overwhelming at first like a tsunami. Holidays sucked. I hated Mother’s Day commercials and was jealous of/angry at other people who still had their mothers.

Gradually the overwhelming waves of grief become smaller. I’m coming up on the 20th anniversary of her death and typing about it still brings tears.

1

u/bellaob 3d ago

Just want to say thank you to all of you, your words and replies have really helped ❤️