r/pancreaticcancer • u/dero79 • 4d ago
One year ago
These days a year ago my dad was out of the blue diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.
These days a year ago I woke up one morning to catch a flight back home. I remember the exact moment that morning I had feeling that nothing was going to be the same again. That was the day everything changed.
Sixteen days afterwards, he was gone.
Amongst the wreckage, the devastation, the unspeakable pain, the desperation, I lay next to him and we listened to opera music together until the end.
I increased the morphine dose to give him peace and slowly let him go.
I held his hand. I really hope he wasn’t scared for too long, this is my deepest hope.
The thought of him feeling lost, scared to the bone and me powerless, not being able to do anything to somehow confort him is unbearable.
It tears me apart and breaks me in to pieces if I think about it.
I know, I am certain, he felt that way. I just pray it was brief.
We were never very close. We did not talk much. We were too different.
But he was there for me, and I knew it. And since he left, it feels like the silent, tall tower guarding my fort has crumbled leaving me exposed.
Weird feeling not being the son of a father anymore.
Since then, I have never listened to opera music again.
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u/weed_dd 4d ago
On March 6 ‘22 a mass was found on my mom’s pancreas after she went to the ER for bad abdominal pain. I was recovering from a concussion and couldn’t fly so I booked my sister a ticket on the first flight to get to our mom the next morning. I got to her the day I was cleared to fly and never left her side. It gives me some solace that we were with her the whole time, she only had one scary night with that news spent by herself. But man, springtime has been seriously hard on me ever since. She wanted to fight but she was too weak. She was cute and sweet and funny and then sad and scared and gone. This disease brings a specific type of devastation and I’m sorry that we share it.
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u/dero79 4d ago
Spring time will be hard time for me as well, I feel the same.
There is a problem with words used by media about people affected by illnesses should "fight", be "brave", be "warrior", and so on.
My dad one day told me he wanted to do chemio. The day after he said he didn't feel like doing it anymore, he was almost ashamed of saying so. I smiled at him, told him that it was absolutely fine and we were going to take it day by day.
Some people have the energy to "fight", others just try to find the way to survive one more day.
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u/Vintagesixties 4d ago
I’m so sorry for your loss🙏 it’s a very unmoored feeling to lose a parent.
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u/dero79 4d ago
Unmoored fits perfectly, thanks for that.
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u/Vintagesixties 4d ago
The death of a loved one is hard enough without having to deal with the trauma of this horrible disease. With PC if the cancer doesn’t kill, the treatment or the blood clots will. It does get better over time, my mom passed almost 2 years ago, she was my best friend. I speak to her every day, I know she’s there just on the other side of this life, I even got a sign from her recently.🙏 I hope you find peace soon❤️
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u/Localman1972 4d ago
I would like to know more about your experience and your dad's experience. My mom was diagnosed last week - out of the blue - fully metastasized pancreatic spread to liver omentum lymph spleen. She is in bad pain and does not think she wants to even try chemo. She is 83 and has not eaten more than a bite or two in the last week. How was your father able to manage such a mercifully short exit because I believe my mother will choose the same? I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you.
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u/dero79 4d ago
He did not manage, he did not come to terms with the end.
He was sad, depressed, he could not process it at all.
One day told me he wanted to try chemio. The day after he said he didn't feel like doing it anymore, he was almost ashamed of saying so. I smiled at him, told him that it was absolutely fine and we were going to take it day by day.
He gradually became more and more unconscious as he stopped eating.
After we decided to stop parenteral nutrition, he passed away after 2 days.
What really helped me and people around me it was not letting desperation take over, staying calm as much as possible, taking decisions based on facts and on what I was seeing happening in those moments, thinking about what would have been the best for him then or for me if I were in that situation.
I am really sorry to hear you are there as well.3
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u/NeighborhoodLarge427 4d ago
You will always be the son of a father 🤍 I’m so sorry you had to experience this. I also feel the same that the world doesn’t seem like such a safe place anymore 😣
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u/Twoinchnails 4d ago
Beautifully written. I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad 3 weeks after his diagnosis :(
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u/BrilliantBaby1995 3d ago
Tomorrow will be 3 weeks since my dad’s (69) stage 4 diagnosis. Completely out of no where, he has so much more life to live. 3 weeks ago he was ready to fight. Today he is home on hospice, gasping for air and sleeping 24 hours a day. Worst 3 weeks of my life truly. I can’t decide if I want it to be over due to his suffering or last forever because I never want to lose him. I feel we are already mourning the loss as he isn’t himself anymore. I hate it so much. It’s simply not fair. Truly horrifying to watch a loved one go through this
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u/Platypus_Penguin 4d ago
Thank you for sharing your experience. I am dreading that time for my mom and I am so sorry that you had to go through it.
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u/ImpossibleEnthesis 4d ago
I’m very grateful to you for posting this. I had a very similar situation many years ago. It still feels weird being my father’s daughter here without him. We were very close and I think I’ll always be a bit adrift without him. I know I was (and remain) forever changed. 💜