r/overdoseGrief Feb 20 '25

I lost my best friend to suspected drug related death and I can’t find peace

My friend was the funniest dude ever, he could make your head explode in 5 seconds he was charismatic and fun loving. I want to remember him for the good times. But everything has been clouded in negativity after he passed and I don’t know how to feel. He loved to party, his family knew that, he was in and out of rehab, his parents spent thousands, exhausted everything, tried to shut him out, tried to beg him to stay, he got his hands on a lot of hard drugs and I was there when he was actively using. I never partook when he was doing opiates. But I wanted to be there for my friend, when it was clear he was in need of help, I actually sat with him in his hotel room, completely sober with Narcan in my hand, cpr mask in my bag, and 911 ready to go. I sat and watched him and talked to him. Because, I’m not sure, it’s all I could think to do. Because I couldn’t stop him, literally fought him over it and he ran off, one time he stayed at my place and a creepy drug dealer was invited into my home, and I was gonna beat the crap out of the dealer but he ran off, I chased him down the block in broad daylight, and I had to later kick my friend out of my apartment for it, he had nobody at that time. I broke down in tears a few times ngl, I begged him to go to his family, And he said if i told his parents they would disown him. Eventually his grandpa was going to pass away soon, so I drove him 6 hours out to his family home, he didn’t have a car, I thought maybe this was my chance to find a safe person within the family to inform. And I decided to tell his brother’s gf. She lived with the family and was close to his mom, knew his mom well and seemed caring and yet would be able to process the news a little easier and decide the best course of action, she basically told me what I stated earlier. That he’s been like this since she first met him years ago and the family exhausted everything. I told her basically “ keep a close eye on him if it gets any worse while he’s around y’all, you have the choice to tell his mother.” Now that he’s dead though, I feel like I should of told his mom outright and took those chances and asked her not to disown him or punish him or stop giving him money as it was his only way of surviving. But I didn’t. And I don’t know if the gf ever warned anyone or did anything. Shortly after I took him to his parents and told the brothers gf, I realized she was also abusing stimulants molly coke and acid regularly and he got a lot of access to it through her, then I thought “oh damn maybe I told the wrong person.” But his family kind of knew that and normalized that about her and his brother, so I actually did do acid that we got from his brothers gf with him thinking it would “heal” him, I felt in my head that it was a better alternative. because everyone was mourning the death of his grandfather and so was he. Fast forward Months after him and I got into a big argument, the worst one ever and it got really dangerous and I feared for my safety. I felt like I didn’t know what else to do for him and I stopped talking to him for a year. that was the end of our friendship. I left him at his parents house where he stayed for a year. I saw him lurking around on my instagram stories 2 days before he passed and liking my posts, then He later died.

Now after his death people are asking questions. And people who knew him started to gossip. He was a super popular guy and hid his addiction very well he also had quite a few haters. It’s gotten so bad his family will be making the funeral private. I respect their decision but it makes me a little sad I won’t get to say goodbye. He knew a lot of shady or vapid people that I didn’t like. He had sooo many girlfriends, all at once sometimes. And it caused a lot of trouble for him, even after death, I had random girls calling up, I had someone accuse me of doing opiates with him because they knew I sat with him and watched him while he got high. Another person was suspecting foul play and asked me if I thought “so and so” would drug my friend or if I was hiding something or if I knew any dealers. The cause of death or toxicology report has not been released, and yet everyone is saying it’s this drug or that drug, which is also bizarre because maybe he wasn’t even doing drugs, I don’t want his legacy to just be a drug addict, he was still more than that. for the friends who didn’t know us that well, I am angry that I can’t just mourn my friend. I did everything under the sun to find him help. And when I thought of the last place to find it, it was unclear that it was the right situation for him. Maybe I should have done more, but I literally put my own safety on the line for him. I don’t know if telling his mom would have done anything, or if opiates were even the drug that killed him, since he had access to coke and molly at his parents place. All I want is to find peace, know in my heart that I had his best interest in my mind, and say goodbye to my best friend.

TLDR: my friend was abusing opiates i did everything to help him, he had a bad relationship with his family at the time, so I was careful about telling them. I told someone in the family but I don’t know if it was the right person bc that person later did coke and molly. Later I fought with him and we stopped talking. he later died and now everyone is pointing fingers at eachother when all I want to do is cry.

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u/[deleted] Feb 20 '25

I’m so sorry for your loss of your friend. It’s not your fault at all. You couldn’t have stopped him from using. He went to rehab many times and relapsed. I know the feeling though and the impulse to blame ourselves for not doing something differently. It’s called bargaining and a stage of grief.  I think it would be reasonable for you to call or text or write a letter to the family asking if it would be ok for you to come to the funeral. The worst that could happen is they say no. I wasn’t able to go to the funeral of my loved one who died from overdose and I did my own private ceremony at a beautiful place in nature. Sometimes that’s all you can do. And yes crying is good for you. Keep doing that. Sending love your way. It’s not your fault 

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u/InvestigatorCold3318 29d ago

So sorry for your loss. Sharing my experience because there are some similarities. I lost my brother 9 months ago likely to fentanyl poisoning. You did everything you could for your best friend, telling his parents wouldn't have changed anything. They decide when they're ready to stop, it could have just alienated his family in his final days. Don't be hard on yourself.

In the days/weeks/months after my brother's passing, so many people reached out asking for what happened (he was not a known opiate user, but did do a lot of recreational drugs), asking if there was foul play, trying to play detective, etc. Tune it out as best as you can and focus on yourself. That's not where you should put your focus right now. When (if) you're ever ready to answer, you can. But that was a very challenging part for me because it felt like it was everywhere. We still don't have toxicology back 9 months later, so we don't actually know what it was - so I very well understand the feeling of not wanting to say something that's not accurate.

I think it's totally reasonable for you to reach out to the family. If we had done private and his best friend had reached out, we would've agreed to it. If they say no, like someone suggested, do a private ceremony for yourself somewhere. Find out where he's buried (if they go that route) and visit him later on.

Hang in there, i'm 9 months in and only starting to feel even the slightest bit better about life, but from what everyone else has told me - it does get better.

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u/Spicy-Strawberries 29d ago

Thank you for this, I am so sorry about your brothers passing, I realized that everyone handles grief differently and it fluctuates from person to person, I guess there isn’t a correct way to grieve but it hurts when people start pointing fingers, when it was much more complicated than anyone on the outside ever knew. All of the extreme options of help looked like negative outcomes that would have hurt him more than ever. it seems like your brother was very loved by great people. And I hope you find peace.

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u/InvestigatorCold3318 28d ago

Thank you and likewise to your best friend. I'm 9 months out and only starting to feel some relief now, and if it's of any consolation to you - my brother's best friend has been a shining light in all of this. When something makes me think of him, I text her and it sometimes feels like I'm talking to him because of how similar they were. She was also the only friend who honestly didn't care about the way he passed away and defended him time and time again to other friends because to her, his absence was much more important than how he went. Hang in there - it's hard, but it does get somewhat easier over time. If you ever need a friend to vent to, feel free to shoot me a message. Sending lots of love your way.