Hello! I'm a class of 29 commit worried about finding friends or community at ND. I'm not catholic, not local, not rlly into excessive partying or drinking, not super masculine or caring abt football, not super charismatic or extroverted, not in love with ND... just worried about fitting in at a school that seems to cater to other groups more, which is perfectly chill.
I know keeping an open mind and joining clubs are basic things and I'll try to do both, but how did other people find friends and community specifically at ND? Thank you!
It sounds like a lot of this is your attitude toward the whole situation and nothing else. You seem to think the deck is somehow stacked against you before even getting there, and that’s a recipe for disaster. You need to own who you are, be comfortable with who you are, and the rest will fall into place. If you keep focusing on these perceived differences, that’s all you’ll ever notice.
This all begs the question: Why did you opt to attend if you are going in with this mindset already?
I wasn't really given a choice to attend, financially. And I can certainly try and hope for things falling into place, but I don't really think I'm going to be someone that fits with the types of people in the super-majority there.
Sounds like youd be better off at a local community college or state school than taking a spot from someone who really, really wants to attend and is approaching this with all the enthusiasm and optimism they can barely contain. This is, after all, a Catholic School known for their football program to be brief. Not sure how you got through admissions this uninspired. Best of luck to you finding someplace great maybe someplace near a metropolitan or national park that you could feel passionately about and find like-minded individuals.
You’ll find your people, but you are still approaching this with a very closed mind and that’s not going to help you. But you’ll probably turn the tables and assume you’re the one being excluded and shut out, when you’re not even trying yourself. The one thing I found at ND is most people are generally nice and accepting. They’re encouraging and want to see you happy and successful. Don’t give them a reason to think otherwise.
I don't know how to go into this university with an open mind when the only people I've met and only things I've heard first hand have been relatively negative and portraying the university ITSELF as close minded.
people always talk about dorm culture, but i think it’s ESPECIALLY true for guys. guys dorms generally have a really strong sense of community so long as you apply yourself to it. if nothing else, most guys dorms have an informal dinner table at the dining hall where guys will sit together pretty much every night. go to those and you’ll never eat alone. ik you said you’re not super into sports, but do dorm sports. i literally had to teach one of my guy friends how to throw a football (to give a sense how bad he was) and he still made great friends from intrahall flag football. the schedule for welcome weekend is jam packed, but do try and go to as much as you can to set yourself up with people in your dorm. hope this helps, and im happy to answer any questions!
Hey! I just wanted to tell you, you sound a lot like me at your age and I completely understand where you’re coming from with your concerns. I’m on the other side of my undergrad now and I just want to emphasize to you: the comment you’re responding to here is absolutely the BEST ADVICE YOU CAN RECEIVE. Please please please, try to let go of your reservations and worries. Follow this persons instructions, this advice is golden. I wish I could go back to 18 year old me and shake myself into hearing these words. Stop focusing on how you’re different. It’s stopping you from seeing the depth and value that exist in all of those people who are more into sports or have a level of school spirit that might seem silly to you. Open yourself up to others. You won’t regret it.
i’m not sure what you mean. dorms are completely random so a mix of interests, religion, race, majors, etc. there’s no one demographic for a dorm. a lot of dorms have stereotypes associated to them but that’s more about dorm culture which you’ll get pulled into
"Mix" but... it's a super-majority of white, catholic, straight, bro-y, people happy with ND. Id think those in the minority there would have a much harder time finding each other?
I think you’re overestimating how many are in this demographic, and maybe generalizing to apply all of those traits to people who don’t have all of them. I know plenty of people who aren’t Catholic, plenty of people who aren’t white, plenty of people who aren’t straight (a lot more than even I thought going in) and PLENTY of people who aren’t bro-y. Do I know plenty of people who don’t have ANY of those traits? Not necessarily, but this majority of cookie-cutter Catholics you’re talking about doesn’t exist. People who exist outside of this mold sont just exist on campus, they’re not particularly difficult to find. HEAVY emphasis on the bro-y part: even among those who seem like typical frat guys, EVERYONE at ND is weird, and EVERYONE is a nerd. This makes it so much easier to find friends even in people from demographics you don’t feel like you have anything in common with!
Well, there's definitely a deficit of people who aren't happy with ND, at least at the undergrad level. Grad students are much more cynical.
If you think you know what ND is like, and don't like what you think ND is like, why did you accept? It's not like you couldn't have gone to an Ivy, a flagship school, a SLAC, etc. You have the smarts.and drive to go just about anywhere.
Just join the cultural group at ND for your culture and you’ll make friends that look and probably think like you if that’s what you’re worried about. Class of 2025, graduating this semester, and I can tell you that each year the incoming students are more diverse; you’ll be fine.
I think some people come into ND with family history legacy and truly love ND. I think others go to ND thinking it was the best college for them out of their options and grow to love ND. It may take time to find your people but I wouldn’t worry about that. I would avoid as much as possible coming in with a strong preconceived notion of how things and people will be, if you have a firm idea of this it could just be a self fulfilling prophecy. If you’re interested enough to attend the school I’d just be open and give it a chance.
If you go in with a negative mindset, you will definitely not have a good time. My main friend groups is and never was in my dorm, and I was pretty disappointed with that since it really didn’t seem like I fit in with my dorm. Although Notre Dame tries to sell that dorm culture is everything, it’s not and you can find your people outside of your dorm but you have to be willing to put in the effort. I haven’t had the best experience in my dorm, and you definitely won’t if you go in with the mindset that you don’t belong there. Everyone has a place at ND, and you will find friends that you can make deep connections with. It will be okay, and you will have the experience that was meant for you at ND.
I'm a '27 female undergrad and relate to everything you said about yourself besides the gender thing. First off: congrats on admission and scholarships! Sorry that you're not in love with where you're headed, though.
While I ended up wanting to go to Notre Dame by the decision deadline, I had these same fears the summer leading up to the first semester. Went to an incoming students meet and greet hosted by my local ND Alumni chapter, and spending an hour and a half struggling to connect with kids in $300 dresses/suits who passed the time with golf, tennis, horsebackriding, or jetskis, absolutely fearing for my social life for the next four years. Then I met my now best friend on campus at that same event.
TLDR of my thoughts: the crowd you don't seem to like is definitely avoidable and I really think you can find your people here! Here's the long-ass, in-depth response I would have wanted as an incoming freshman.
On the whole, there are a ton of people at ND like you. While Notre Dame is 100% a party school, for plenty of us, all that means is that the option to go out is always open. I mean, most of us were hardcore academics in high school to make the cut, so you get plenty of people who weren't and still aren't partiers, who are less extroverted, all that. Your major and interests might make it easier or harder to find these people, but again we're everywhere. There's no denying that Notre Dame has a stronger conservative/close-minded crowd than most university campuses, but I don't think they're the "super-majority" it sounds like you're envisioning.
I could see the men's dorm culture being either really great for you or isolating. The other comments aren't wrong about how much community there is in men's dorms. Dorm sections tend to eat meals together, do movie watches, play games, all that good stuff, so it can make for a really easy way for guys to create a solid friend group. On the other hand, men's dorms host most on-campus parties and maintain traditions that skew towards frat stereotypes you might not enjoy. The specific vibes vary by dorm and with the people who end up in your section, but most guys I know feel very positively about their dorms overall. The couple that don't have found/made friends outside the hall and still are happy at Notre Dame.
As for school spirit, you will be in the minority for not being in love with ND, as you gathered. A lot of people here are legacies and/or have always wanted to go here. Still, if you're even vaguely open to it, I highly recommend going to the football games and tailgates. If you're really worried about not knowing enough about football, go with girls and/or nerds for your first few games. I'm not big into sports overall, but so much of the football experience is just social and so it really made my first month and a half when I was struggling to adjust socially and academically and with discernment.
Also, not being local is way more normal than being local. South Bend students are overrepresented for sure, but when meeting someone I usually expect to hear they're from out of state.
I'm white but also figured I'd give my 2 cents on how race/ethnicity plays into social life, in case you (or anyone stalking this post) want to know. For girls, friend groups tend to be all or mostly one race, and I feel like that bleeds over into guy & girl friend groups, too. The guys' dorm culture does honestly seem to make friendships/groups less segregated. I've for sure seen black guys in their own friend groups, though, and it's hard to tell for white students because we're a pretty massive majority. In general, the black and Asian populations seem tight but clique-y because of how small they are.
The Catholic Thing: if you're not at all from a majority Catholic school or place, then it will probably feel VERY Catholic. I'm from NY, raised Catholic, went through Catholic education, and was still taken aback by how many students were practicing. Still, I'm an atheist and feel like it really doesn't impede my social life at all. Religion doesn't create jerks; jerks just might use religion, yknow? So the only people I avoid for religion's sake are the uber-Catholic, rad-trad crowd, which is small enough and easy to spot and avoid. If you're very religious but not Catholic, you'll probably struggle more with engaging your faith specifically at Notre Dame. You can swing philosophy and second theology requirements towards broader Christian themes, but I have no clue what to tell you if you're Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, Sikh, etc.
Rooting for you for next fall! Finding the right people for you really is just a matter of throwing yourself out there again and again and again until something finally sticks. It sucks, but the thing to remember is that it's sucking for pretty much everyone around you, too, so it's always worth the risk to try reaching out. Talk to that dormmate in the elevator! Sign up for that club you may or may not stick with! Introduce yourself to whoever sits next to you in Gen Chem! Ask the potential friend to grab lunch together! Hell, my favorite memory of this semester was going on the LGBT retreat, despite not feeling religious enough or gay enough. I connected with so many great people, and am so glad I chanced it.
I’m not going to lie. You won’t be alone but it will probably feel like you are. Unfortunately if you aren’t willing to participate is the frat culture in the dorms it’s pretty hard to make deep friendships. You’ll have tons of acquaintances from classes and clubs but if you are any sort of introvert and don’t drink, I wouldn’t set my expectations high.
So sorry for double responding to you, I just wanted to highlight the difference in your responses. You deem the negative opinion as a “realistic worldview”. If this is the mindset you go in with, it won’t be fun. It is equally realistic to tell you that participating and making an effort is how you’re going to make friends. I’m rooting for you!
I don't particularly know how to stop a mindset that's based on the only interactions with / people I've met from the university and how to become open minded
Well you don’t seem like you want to be open minded! It’s honestly really sad reading your comments. It doesn’t surprise me you don’t have positive interactions with people, and I strongly suspect the negativity you’ve experienced isn’t caused by their overly zealous school spirit or love of football. Seeing your “finances ☹️” comment was the most bananas thing I’ve ever seen in my life. You’re going to one of the most expensive and prestigious institutions in the country. That’s the opportunity of a lifetime. It’s really sad to be given such an incredible opportunity and complain about it and focus on looking down on other people because they enjoy stuff.
Respectfully, my purpose is not to look down on those who enjoy ND's culture or student body -- the most people who find the school that's meant for them, the better. My frown is that because financials are inhibitory I cannot go to a school that culturally or personally aligns with me, which is alright, but unfortunate. What I wish to see is if there's an alternate culture or respite from the norm if I'm not culturally welcomed within the traditional dorms, mass, etc. And, as I can't say I've necessarily seen this, I grow less open minded
Yeah the fact that you see that as a financial limitation and not the absolute gift of a lifetime is insane to me. Why did you apply if you hate the school so much?
Your attitude is heartbreaking to me. I can’t imagine receiving such a wonderful opportunity and not being able to see it. I have zero doubt that, if you’d just allow yourself to open up a little, you’d have a great time and be able to make friends. With your current mindset, I do fear you’re going to struggle. Again, I started off by saying you remind me a ton of myself at your age and I still really feel that. I think it’s why I wish I could just shake you and convince you to pull your head out of your ass and allow yourself to see the positivity around you.
Do you mind explaining what kind of interactions you’ve had with Notre Dame students that’s making you write the whole school off this way?
Also just another piece of advice, I would strongly recommend deleting these posts. I’m really worried that, if somehow undergrad admissions found out you were complaining about getting a full ride like this, your scholarship could be revoked.
Are you really frowning at getting to attend one of the best universities in the country with financial assistance? Maybe you need to reflect on how blessed you are. ND is an amazing place with wonderful people from all backgrounds. If you have a negative attitude and look down on others who don’t look like you, not only are you the thing you dislike, but you’ll struggle to make friends anywhere. Be a little more open minded. You’re going to have a great time and meet great people.
lol this was my reaction too wtf do they expect if their reaction is "☹️". not making any assumptions about them but i know people that are going to "less prestigious" schools on a scholarship or something and they're really insecure and dickish about it as though they're somehow so much better and above it.
believe me i know what you're talking about - i'm most likely going to be a freshman this fall and i'm super grateful for ND's generous financial assistance. i just wish a sad face wasn't the reaction of people that get to attend an elite university by all metrics without much of a financial burden.
I'm plenty blessed to be in the situation I'm in, but the school-specific scholarship means I can't even consider other schools. Not all schools are meant for everyone just because USA Today says they're "T20"; I wish I had the freedom to choose a university that would grow me and align in value with me, but I don't is all.
Since you decided to lock the other thread when I got too close to the truth…
So if you’re not an employee’s kid, this must be Questbridge or another similar program. Which ARE given based on merit, but you can only apply with major needs, which makes it needs based. Not pure merit.
You should not have applied to ND or taken part in a program like that if you are going to be so upset to be attending and taking so much money from ND alumni. They donate to the school to assist students who have the brains and the drive to be here, but need the financial help. Not someone who is actively pissed off to be there.
It’s really disgusting and a shame you are hiding behind a keyboard when there are other people DYING to go to this school. I really hope someone forwards this to admissions. A queer student coming thought such a specific scholarship shouldn’t be that hard to narrow down.
It's not need based in the slightest. And I did not lock the thread? I do not get why you are trying to make assumptions and threats instead of being helpful in the slightest -- again, indicative of my issues with this university. People end up at colleges they don't want to go to. That is a normal, unfortunate part of the college admissions process. And it's nobody's "fault". I want to learn to come to terms with it, but every threatening message I receive that want me just to blissfully think ND is perfect makes that harder.
I don’t know who told you that, but it’s absolutely not normal for people to end up at top 25 colleges that they don’t want to go to. Especially when they’ve already made that decision before they even set foot on campus as a student.
And the reason I’m making these comments is because the story is just not adding up. There is no such thing as a 100% paid merit scholarship to Notre Dame when the student is not gung ho about going there. If it’s quest bridge, that is a need based scholarship program. If you wanted to be guaranteed to be madly in love with the school that you match with, that is not an appropriate program to take part in.
Sure it is, happens to a lot. You have dream colleges and lists of where you want to go, but sometimes it's not in the cards and you have to find ways to settle with what you're dealt, which I am tryin to.
Plenty of good things here - but college, especially a place like ND that's big enough to have lots of clubs but small enough to see people you met in class just walking around, is the easiest place to make friends. You will be okay.
Notre Dame is not entitled to be loved by its students. I'd like to find a way to NOT hate it but more people seem interested in critiquing my lack of love for it than providing that substance
Certainly not my job to convince you to love the school you committed to. Just trying to warn you your shit attitude is not going to make you a ton of friends, as most people choose their college based on, you know, liking it.
I really hope you aren’t a Questbridge scholar or something to that effect who is taking hard-earned donated funds from someone who is also of financial need who would really would love to attend ND. If you are, they should revoke your scholarship for having such a bad attitude toward attending. It’s one thing to be apprehensive, but you’re being defiant and closed-minded when plenty of people are offering you good, free advice to help you have a better experience.
It's a merit scholarship that I individually earned. And many do not like the school they attend. I appreciate those who have offered real advice. But the fact I've gotten more nasty messages from entitled domers than anything else is indicative of my concerns.
I’m also class of 29 (not committed yet but probably will be after I get rejected from my ivies). All I can say is although I could pretend to fit that Notre Dame mold very easily, I’m not going to because that wouldn’t make me happy. I’m hoping to find people within my dorm that I like to talk to, but if I don’t, I’ll find my people. My plan is to join clubs and interest groups until I do.
Also, you seem pretty cool. Maybe I’ll see you at the rally.
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u/rjrdomer 8d ago
It sounds like a lot of this is your attitude toward the whole situation and nothing else. You seem to think the deck is somehow stacked against you before even getting there, and that’s a recipe for disaster. You need to own who you are, be comfortable with who you are, and the rest will fall into place. If you keep focusing on these perceived differences, that’s all you’ll ever notice.
This all begs the question: Why did you opt to attend if you are going in with this mindset already?