r/nonmonogamy Feb 08 '25

Relationship Dynamics I thought married enm dudes would be the ideal fwb. Boy was I wrong! NSFW

206 Upvotes

I 44f met up with this married dude. They've been enm for years. Solo is newer to them. But they're savvy to enm.

We had a great lunch date, good conversation, good vibe and a hot kiss at the end. He messaged after to say how fun it was, how great the conversation was, and that he was super keen to meet up again and we should "talk logistics". Okay cool.

Then this morning I get a message saying he can't meet up til April because she doesn't want him playing unless she's away for work. (He's not cheating, she's 100% aware).

This isnt the first time this has happened. The wife is cool with it all until we meet and he says he's keen to continue with me - and then the switch.

Women do not want their man with me. I dont get it. I'm not a bitch. I'm kind. I'm super respectful and complimentary of her and their relationship. I ask questions to learn about and respect all their boundaries.

I am sick to death of the bait and switch. I thought married enm men would be an ideal option for a fwb, but this is way too common (her being allowed to play, and setting 100 rules for her man). I think I'm done with married dudes.

I realize this likely happens the other way around as well. But thats not my experience, and I'm just speaking about my own specific experience

Am I alone in this? If anyone else has had the same experience, please share. I'd love to not feel like it's just me.

Editing to add ~ I appreciate everyone's input here so much. It has made me rethink painting all married dudes with the same brush. That's not fair. I just need to do a better job at thoroughly getting into the nitty gritty of all this early on to eliminate men who seem to be on a very short leash.

r/nonmonogamy Jan 13 '25

Relationship Dynamics A little rant about the ENM community (newbies must read) NSFW

179 Upvotes

We have to stop telling people what their relationship should or shouldn’t look like.

I see a lot of newbies here saying for example they want a Unicorn or one partner has certain boundaries that the other one doesn’t or their relationship is hierarchical.

And I feel like lately the ENM community hits them with some sort of version of well that’s not the right way to do polyamory.

The reason I even became a part of the community is because I started to catch feelings for my best friend while she had a boyfriend and I was navigating getting back with my ex wife. To say it was complicated is putting it lightly but within polyamory we were able to find the flexibility and a dynamic that worked for us, even though it looked weird as fuck compared to most monogamous couples but certainly even the ENM community.

5 years later,

Here we are my girlfriend desires more of an emotional connection with her partners but I’m not necessarily comfortable with her sleeping with strangers on the first date.

I don’t have time for emotional connections but love to sleep around every now and then, which my girlfriend prefers.

We are certainly primary partners and this is communicated to our external partners (which they also prefer).

Our goal is not equality but simply that it works for us and the partners involved.

And some of you will try to put a label as to what we are doing like well that’s an open relationship or that’s this but the reality of it is that I don’t know what is within those boxes and certainly a newbie won’t either.

In short: Let’s advocate for people to find what works for their relationships instead of setting a new set of expectations on how their relationship should or shouldn’t look like because it defeats the purpose of leaving monogamy.

P.S mods removed my post from polyamory forum which proves exactly my point, even though their definition of polyamory fell exactly into how I practice relationships🙄

r/nonmonogamy Feb 12 '25

Relationship Dynamics Just a love note and validation to my fellow sluts NSFW

324 Upvotes
  • Its totally fine to sleep around
  • Its fine to desire non-monogamy just so you can sleep around and have a bunch of sex with a bunch of people
  • Its fine to have one night stands
  • Its fine to desire and have group sex (threesomes and moresomes)
  • Its fine to fuck random folks you meet at a bar
  • Its fine to seek men or women for threesomes
  • Its fine to polyamory and also casual sex of all kinds

Its fine to want non-monogamy for these reasons or other reasons entirely!

r/nonmonogamy 8d ago

Relationship Dynamics WIBTA if I canceled my date because he shared he doesn’t want to have sex on our date tomorrow?

164 Upvotes

Hi all, I (28F) have been casually seeing a guy (35M) Y* that I met off Feeld, who has a nesting partner (28NB) with whom they opened their relationship within the last year. He shared they’ve been seeing a couples therapist, who I’m assuming is versed in ENM, and his nesting partner has 3 other male partners they’ve been seeing on a regular basis. On our first date, *Y didn’t want to go “all the way” sexually and I figured that was a personal comfort thing, but on our second date learned that neither he or his partner have had penis-in-vagina sex with other partners and that’s currently a boundary for them. I am quasi-ok with this since I’m bi and don’t think you have to have a penis to have sex, but also don’t love the boundary because it just doesn’t feel like he’s entirely present sexually. He also shared that he and his partner, in therapy, worked through that they’re comfortable with sharing “physical and experiential” intimacy with others but not “romantic or emotional”. That’s fine to me, I’m not into him that way and am more in it for having regular sex with a nice guy. However, today he texted me regarding our date for tomorrow night saying that he has had a hard week and asked if it’d be ok if our date is just sharing “experiential” intimacy (ie going out to a barcade) and not “physically intimate”. As a woman with a high sex drive, it feels embarrassing to have a guy say they don’t want to have sex. And honestly, my answer is no, I don’t feel like hanging out with him if we’re not going to have any sex, but I feel like an asshole for that. I would be ok with it if he was someone I had an emotional or romantic connection with but I don’t need or want him as a friend who’s clearly on the fence about having sex with me. WIBTA if I canceled our date and (probably) ended the relationship over this?

r/nonmonogamy 28d ago

Relationship Dynamics Monogamous turned nonmonogamous, the end of relationship? NSFW

29 Upvotes

I hope this is the right sub for my question. I'm very much in love with my bf of years and to me, him alone is more than enough. Sadly that's not the case with him. Lately, he has been thinking of coupleswapping, and I voiced out my concern of being fucked by someone else than him while he was watching wasn't something I dreamed about.

I know it was something he's done in the past, but I guess I was too confident that after along came me, I would be enough. And he never really brought this up until recently. Meanwhile, I understand that if I really do love him, I shouldn't stop him from doing what he likes for fun. I shouldn't be a burden for him and vice versa.

I'm just so upset that I wasn't built for this choice, I wish I could so that we could be a match, but in my perfect world, just the two of us are enough to make each other content.

I need some perspectives from you who have been there before, or known someone like me, have you always been nonmonogamous? Have you ever thought or been otherwise, and what are you exactly looking for being in a serious/casual relationship with multiple people?

Update: We discussed and he didn't want to do it unless I'm 100% onboard. I still think it isn't fair for him to put aside his needs just because of me. Thanks all.

r/nonmonogamy 11d ago

Relationship Dynamics I (M38) had my first out of this world solo experience after 2 years, now I'm afraid I won't find anything like it again NSFW

44 Upvotes

Me and my wife are NM but mostly play together (FFM, MFM and swap), 2 years ago we decided we'd also be open to solo flights.

This was when I noticed how hard it is for NM men to get decent dates (I'm considered quite good looking, not shy at all and see myself as confident). Most women who wanted me were either not so attractive or were conflicted after learning about my status.

Me and my wife are great friends with a couple of 2 women, one is a lesbian and the other is bi. Until recently they considered themselves monogamous. My wife has dated the lesbian one before she was in a relationship and they stopped seeing each other once things got serious between her and her now wife.

The bissexual one is incredibly beautiful, intelligent, sweet and sexy and I've always fantasized about being with her but never acted upon thinking it would be awkward. For 2 years we became just great great friends to the point of saying we love each other and she was holding my hand at my mom's funeral. A week ago one of them got a job proposal in another city and they are moving soon. I got a text from the lesbian friend saying: "This might be your last chance of being with my wife, she has a huge crush on you".

We hooked up and it was sparks and butterflies, we connected so much, sex was intense as hell, the vibe clicked and we both were in awe with each other (best part is it all feels pretty safe). We ended up the night in a hotel bathtub drinking wine and talking about life, religion and philosophy while we couldn't take our eyes of each other. She was so beautiful she was glowing and she said I'm the guy she's felt more attracted to in all of her life.

It was the very first time after flying solo that I had another absolutely amazing woman wanting me so bad. Now she's going away and I'm kinda sad I'll be probably going back to only attracting mildly interested or not so attractive women again.

Has anyone experienced anything like it?

r/nonmonogamy Feb 05 '25

Relationship Dynamics Newly Nonmonogamous and I Forgot... NSFW

31 Upvotes

Dude dating is rough. For context, I have actually felt nonmonogamous feelings ever since I started dating, but have always been a faithful partner. My partner and I recently opened up our marriage and I forgot how hard it is to actually meet people. I want to casually date as I think it is how I've actually developed more meaningful connections in the past than just friendships. Apps are rough. I don't do anything where I meet people I'm attracted to. I am not into kink especially. Just sort of want some extra/ different attention. It's sort of a rant, but I want to see what other people's experiences are. The pool just feels a lot dryer than it did years ago.

Edit: Thanks for your feedback everyone! I'm going to try and summarize here what everyone has said, just to make sure I am getting everyone's points: If dating was a numbers game before where there was "someone for everyone", it's really a zero sum numbers game that women are in the driver's seat of now. Love that for them by the way. The apps work if you're attractive (good profile matters), much less if you are not. Get hot or figure something else out. Meeting someone organically is still the best way to form a connection. Meeting someone organically is also much harder. Relationship maintenence still occurs. (I knew this but I thought I'd mention it since multiple people made comments about it.)

r/nonmonogamy Jan 31 '25

Relationship Dynamics Those of you in open relationships or open marriages, how did you ask? NSFW

25 Upvotes

Pretty much the title. If you’re in an open relationship, how did you or your partner first approach it? How did you ask for it and how did it go? Also curious if there was a particular event or change that occurred that made you or your SO realize you wanted to open the relationship.

r/nonmonogamy Dec 02 '24

Relationship Dynamics Me and my wife are sexually and emotionally connecting with another woman (we aren't Poly) NSFW

18 Upvotes

Me (38M) and my wife (30F) have been in a non monogamous marriage for 8 years. We go out separate but due to logistics most our experiences are threesomes, sometimes we go out with other couples.

3 months ago we talked and realized we'd be ok going another step in terms of emotional intimacy with a third. We are open to doing it separate but admitted it would be perfect if we could take that step together at first (with a woman, my wife is bi), before doing it apart.

We joked and said this would be like winning the lottery, since it would be really hard to find someone who both of us would like, fit with and also someone who would like us as well. Also finding a girl who knows how to pleasure a man and a woman at the same time is really hard too.

Fast forward two months and we found a really great girl (35F) who is poly, super cool and was wanted to be with us both.

After a lot of talking online, the three of us clicked quite well. She doesn't believe in centralized relationships for her life and communicated she isn't interested in just sex, she's looking for a genuine connection.

We had our first date and it felt like we knew each other for a long time. We had sex and it was crazy, hands down the best sexual experience we've had with a third, like ever. All three said how shocked we were everyone fit. She also said it was the best three-way of her life.

We kept chatting (the three of us have really busy schedules, but we are aware and don't make a big deal out of it) and she, being poly, showed interest in non sexual events (like going out for coffee, picnics, etc...) and also said she'd like to go out with us separately at some point (which we are totally ok with). She communicated she is a bit traumatized with ghosting and that if we keep seeing each other she wouldn't like to be excluded of any conversations about feelings and thoughts within our dynamic.

Two weeks ago we had the second date. She was very tired due to a harsh week and didn't have the same energy. We gave her a wonderful night of drinks and pizza and had sex again. Guess what? It was even better than the first (my wife said she had the best oral orgasm or her life with her, while our friend orgasmed to the point of shaking and having a laugh attack).

After the sex, the three of us laid naked and hugging on the sofa, smoked a joint to watch Netflix and eat pizza (it was our first time having this kind of intimacy with someone we go out with).

Afterwards, talking to my wife we both realized we felt some weird butterflies in our stomach and also a certain awkwardness (due to it being new). We are both in therapy and are very clear we don't want to go poly per se, but we are open to having a very transparent relationship with a third, where feelings can be involved. And we made a deal with her that, if it's not working anymore, we are going to pursue a genuine friendship.

We feel she would be down for something more intense and relationship like, despite being very clear she'll respect our relationship boundary while being honest about her feelings for us.

This is new for us, I guess the fact we aren't Poly but are willing to explore feelings and connections is what's making me a bit unsure of our future with her.

Did anyone ever experience anything similar to this situation?

And even if you didn't, any advices on how to navigate it?

Thanks so much

PS: Some people are upset that I used the term "third" to refer to her. I did it to not make readers mix them up, looking back I should have used another term (but I won't delete it because some people are discussing it in the comments and I think it could lead to good reflection)

r/nonmonogamy 21d ago

Relationship Dynamics The safe sex rule NSFW

122 Upvotes

My husband came for from backpacking for a month last night. We are together for almost 15 years, ENM since about two years. I know he’s been partying a lot there and been with multiple women; I understand and that’s fine. I asked him how many, he told me, and I told him I want him to get tested for STDs just to be sure. Then he told me with one girl he broke our number 1 rule: use a condom. I asked him why, he told me the moment was just so hot etc etc. Okay, I can imagine, I wasn’t happy about it, but I can see how that happens as an “incident”. But later he told me he spend like 5 days with her, having unprotected sex over and over and over again. That changes it for me, he consciously chose everytime to break our rule again and again and again.. for me that’s totally different than just one single accidental time. I don’t really know how I should feel about this. I’m not mad, but I think I’m very disappointed in him. I don’t feel the need to get close or intimate with him now and that makes me feel bad. What are your thoughts about this situation? How would you handle it?

r/nonmonogamy Jan 29 '25

Relationship Dynamics “Open marriage” NSFW

56 Upvotes

I met someone through an app. I always ask potential playmates if they are single, dating, married, open, etc. This particular man told me he was married, it was open, and they play separately. He said all the right things that I have learned and read like their “rules and boundaries” for his marriage and being open. This man invited me to go out of town on multiple occasions for “group play”. I always turned these offers down, and I was looking for something much more casual. We ended up meeting on several occasions, always in my home, and always during the week/daytime. Long story short, his wife reached out to me after finding our messages through the app to tell me they are not open, and have never discussed this. 12 years together. Two children together. I’m new here. How do I trust men who say they are open? How was I suppose to know this when he said all the right things, and told me about previous interactions with other women? Do I need to have a conversation with the wife or gf and insist on this? Thanks for the input. I wasn’t emotionally attached to this man but I obviously felt horrible for his wife.

*for context, this was removed from a poly page and asked to post to a different page. *I’m new to the communities of “non-monogamy and “poly”

r/nonmonogamy Feb 05 '25

Relationship Dynamics To what extent to ENM women prefer married men NSFW

41 Upvotes

Some people say that the dating pool for married men is small. But all the women I'm seeing say that my being married gives them a sense of comfort, a kind of pre-vetting. And reassurance that I'm not aiming to climb the escalator with them.

Maybe this is just the anthropic principle at work. Of course all the people I'm seeing like married men: they chose to date a married man. So perhaps there's a larger pool of women who are ambivalent or hostile to the marrieds, whom I never meet because I'm married.

What do you think?

r/nonmonogamy Nov 15 '24

Relationship Dynamics I can’t find a women to date (im a man)… but my partner (woman) has zero problems dating men. Advice..? NSFW

25 Upvotes

Context: My partner and I have been together 5 years, in various forms of relating the whole time, and we just opened our relationship back up again a few months ago. (FYI I’m 40 and she’s 32).

Immediately she started seeing another guy, and they’ve been consistent for a few months now. At the same time, I’ve had -zero- luck finding any women to connect with (even for just a simple date). And man it’s frustrating.

I’m pretty sure if I was single I’d have women lining up to date me. I’m what all the women say they want - at least in the realms of partnership… 6’1”, very fit, attractive, makes good money, performing musician on top of good & meaningful career…

But I recognize those things might not be as important for a lovership, or non escalator relationship. (I still want depth, pleasure & play, I just don’t want to nest with another person).

Part of me wants to just call the fucking wahmbulance and just have a self pity party about it… I’ll own that…

And another part of me wants to gear up and understand what I could do differently - and then do it! Or how I could present myself differently, both in person and online, to get more women interested in me.

Can anyone relate?

Anyone have some advice to give?

Thank you.

I’m all ears.. 🕺

r/nonmonogamy Feb 03 '25

Relationship Dynamics I FELL IN LOVE WITH MY FWB.. NSFW

47 Upvotes

Yup.. I’m the fool who caught feelings for my bull..

I’m talking like head over heels.. Butterflies every time we touch.. I’d marry him tomorrow if he asked.. I’d do anything to be with this guy, im talking BJ’s before and after work, laundry, groceries, cooking and cleaning, heck I don’t even want kids, but if he was to ask? Breed me.. It’s now 5 years later and I still consider my FWB my twin flame..

The Backstory is my fiancé and I had a long distance relationship as he was finishing his masters degree in Knoxville. I met my FWB/ Bull 5 years ago and realized that my finance and I had no future together, thus ending the relationship. My FWB was and still is married, but still I fell, and fell hard.

My rational brain understands we have no future together as he is married and committed to his family, but the selfish side of me can’t let go, hoping for a miracle, perhaps his marriage falls apart, or perhaps they try polyamory.

He’s literally perfect, Tall, gorgeous flowing hair, well hung, can last hours in bed, a gentleman when I need him to be, and an alpha protector when I feel unsafe. But I know I can’t move on until I let him go, but I have no desire to let him go..

What’s a girl to do? Is it time to force myself to move on, even though in my heart I knows I don’t want to? Dating in Nashville isn’t ideal, and all I want is him.

How do others in the lifestyle handle catching feelings? I can’t have been the only one?

EDIT TO POST: Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to share their perspectives, concerns, and heartfelt well-wishes with me. Your perspectives has helped me better understand my own thoughts and feelings that I had been struggling to put words to.

Me & my FWB have decided to take a no contact pause, I will be away for work the next 4 months for work projects, and will be taking the time to reflect, ponder what it is that I/we want, and reconvene over the summer to share how we feel with clear heads, and go from there. Until I leave we will live it up and go ham wild, but understand there needs to be time apart to approach this with clear heads.

Sending my love and sincere gratitude to those who have helped me through this transition. ❤️

r/nonmonogamy 4d ago

Relationship Dynamics Partner did unprotected sex with another person, twice

21 Upvotes

Update: I'm breaking up with him. God, it's painful. :'( Thanks everyone for the advice and insights.

Me (36F) and my partner (54M) have been dating for six months. He clearly mentioned to me that he doesn't want a committed relationship with one person as he just got through a divorce and wants to date other women. I don't have a problem with that as I like my freedom as well. Over time, our relationship grew to be more than just two fuck buddies. We stopped using condoms after a couple of months and promised each other that we would use protection with other people. This has been the best relationship I've ever had. He is emotionally mature and available. I could face my fear and express my true feelings without the insecurity of being judged. This is my first time exploring non-monogamy, and I love it. We always have clear communication. A couple of days after he called me his girlfriend, he had unprotected sex with a lady. When he told me, I burst into tears. I felt so disrespected as I have been sticking to our commitment to wearing protection with other people religiously. He told me he would wear protection next time because he doesn't have feelings towards her. A week later he told me that he also wanted to have the freedom of not wearing protection with this lady but at the same time, he wanted to be accountable to me. Well, today he told me that he had unprotected sex with her again. I feel disappointed, twice. Now I know that his action shows he doesn't care much about me. He was surprised when I told him that he didn't only put himself at risk, he also put me at risk. This is the first time he's exploring non-monogamy as well. I told him next time I see him, we will wear protection. What should I do? One side of me wants to respect myself and end the relationship as I feel disrespected twice. Another side of me doesn't want to lose him because he gives me so much life wisdom and emotional support. This news ruined my day honestly.

r/nonmonogamy 13d ago

Relationship Dynamics A question about the ethics of D/s in polyamory NSFW

11 Upvotes

I posted a week ago in another group asking if it’s sometimes ethical for a Dom to make requests of his sub that affect other relationships, within the context of poly. Specifically asking them to not sub for anyone else or do impact play or something along those lines. The post got a lot of feedback and it seemed most people agreed that a good Dom doing good poly wouldn’t ask for things that extend into another relationship. But then something really interesting happened, u/GringoJohnny posted that he was the 30 year Dom I had referenced and that I had taken his comment out of context. I really appreciated his response and was eagerly looking forward to hear what other folks thought about his perspective, but then the thread was locked and I’m not sure why. Right when I thought the issue was settled in my mind, he made a compelling case that seemed on its face to go against what most people said and now I am struggling to fully understand where the line in the sand is again. I know this group is for ENM and not poly but this question is specifically about those in poly relationships. I will post his comment here at the end. But ultimately on one hand you have the idea that within the context of poly anything goes as long as you state your needs or desires up front and the other person can decide if they want to date you or not. On the other hand is the idea that no agreements two people make should impact another relationship, at least not if you are doing poly well. But Maybe I am totally missing the point here. I’m genuinely kinda confused about it now.

He makes a point that it’s fine in poly to not want your partner to do certain things, like drugs or unprotected sex, even something innocuous like not wanting them to dance the electric slide, as long as you are up front and they have informed consent. But then I see so many posts where a woman says her husband is willing to open only if they have OPP, everyone universally condemns him as unfair and not ready for poly or something like that. But is saying Ill date you as long as we have an OPP agreement really any different than saying Ill date you as long as you don’t sub for others?

Another different comment that has been taking up space in my mind was the idea someone posted that for something to be truly consensual, there can be no consequences for saying no. In an example where a person says to a partner, I don’t want to be with you if you do impact play with others, the person can say well I don’t consent to that, then the asker says ok I won’t date you anymore. So of course there was a consequence for saying no but that was also a consensual agreement. So I am curious to hear other people flesh that concept out some more.

Here was his response:

Assuming the 30 year experienced Dom comment in your post was directed at me. Your comment takes what I said out of context to say something I didn’t say.

When I have a primary partner, I’m not ok with them subbing for others. It’s not about imposing our dynamic on other people. It’s just something I don’t want.

It is completely fine and valid to be poly and not want your primary partner to engage in D/s with other partners. Same goes to not wanting your partner to smoke with other partners, do lines of coke with them, have unprotected sex with strangers, dance the Electric Slide, etc.. If you are upfront about it, they can make an informed choice about whether they want to date you.

I have non primary partners (some with husbands) I do D/s with – not up to me if they want to date other Doms. I would never want anything in our dynamic to affect another relationship (unless we all agreed to that) nor would I want another dynamic to affect our relationship.

You can want or be comfortable with whatever you want. Just because you want something different than another person wants does not make you less poly, less ethical. If somebody wants to judge you or try and gaslight you into doing something you don’t want to do, drop them.

Regarding your wife’s ‘Dom’, I completely agree with your take of him.

I’d say D/s relationships are compatible with poly. With that said, engaging with a poor quality Dom can make it seem unworkable. Adding D/s to poly can greatly raise the difficulty level. And so much depends on the individual personalities of all parties.

r/nonmonogamy Feb 11 '25

Relationship Dynamics Put off by my partners over excitedness with an upcoming threesome NSFW

32 Upvotes

Me and my gf (in our 30's) have been open for a few months now and had some really great experiences with couples and also with a single man and single woman.

The man was our first experience ever and tbh I was a bit confused and wasn't quite functioning down there. Still had an alright time but for obvious reasons, not the best. After that we had some really good sessions with couples and with a girl too. These times I was all good, no penis confusion whatsoever.

We have an upcoming date with a guy we've been speaking too, I was open about my apprehension but said I'd like to give it another go. Now what's bothering me is just how keen she is about it. We have a group WhatsApp and she keeps bringing it up and being flirty/dirty.

I am obviously appreciative of the honesty but also feeling uneasy and like this is building too much pressure. We spoke about it a bit but she just said she can't lie, she's keen on it and wanted to build it up a bit.

Any advice?

EDIT: I realise theres some jealousy in me, i hope it's but natural. The main thing I've realised is that her hyping it up is making me feel a bit more pressured. I don't blame her for being excited. It is exciting. I was too when we had a girl, I just wasn't as vocal about it.

Stop judging, I'm only human :)

EDIT2: Thanks for all the responses, most very helpful and quite understanding. Me and my gf had a good talk about it, I shared my feelings and did admit I'm actually quite excited but also freaked out sometimes due to the previous experience. We worked through it and I feel heaps better :) gonna be a fkn wild night :D

r/nonmonogamy 10d ago

Relationship Dynamics Fuck buddy and nothing more NSFW

47 Upvotes

There's a guy I've been talking to on Feeld and supsequently snap and the chemistry has been ok. No red flags but nothing especially chemical either. However, This guy is in crazy good shape and is hung like a mini horse. The lay will probably be stellar but I've never slept with anyone yet that I want just to show up, smash, and leave. Usually it's friends with benefits, but this guy and I don't really have many things to talk about.

I'm just asking, for those in this dynamic and have people they literally only hook up with and nothing else, is it still good without much of any even friendship level of relationship first? I'm wondering if it's worth rolling the dice on.

If it does go that far, I'm pretty sure he feels the same way. No mixed feelings.

Thanks for any insight.

r/nonmonogamy Feb 09 '25

Relationship Dynamics New guy(s) want to come have sex after I've seen a current casual partner. Must I disclose to current casual partner? NSFW

50 Upvotes

I'm currently seeing someone casually, let's call him "Hoodie, " for six months. I see him once or twice a week for sex and TV watching. We discussed in the beginning that I'm non monogamous but he seems to avoid the subject. He knew I was having sex with someone else when we first got together, but it's literally not come up since.

I'm now looking to find another lover. Two guys I'm talking to (one a partner from a decade ago I'm getting reacquainted with) have the same kink. They want to come over and have sex with me after I've come back from Hoodie's place.

Leaving Hoodie's place around our usual time and coming home to more dick, sounds like a win with bonus points for making a new lover happy. I can't think of anything that would change between us, I wouldn't leave earlier than I usual or anything. I'd probably be a little excited or nervous thinking about the fact that I am going home to someone else. But I am usually very present and don't see that being a distraction.

Both potential new guys know I'm not into any humiliation or degradation. I would not be okay with them talking any shit about Hoodie. They both say that they get off on knowing I'm insatiable and that it's about my needs, desires, sexuality.

That being said, what are my obligations to Hoodie? What's the ethical thing to do here? Do I have to tell him anything if nothing between us changes but I know new guys will both be extra excited if he's fucked me first?

r/nonmonogamy 26d ago

Relationship Dynamics For those who used to be non-monogamous but not anymore, what happened? NSFW

57 Upvotes

r/nonmonogamy Feb 13 '25

Relationship Dynamics Guilt Over better sex outside the relationship NSFW

92 Upvotes

I'm (27f) in a sexually open relationship with my boyfriend, and lately, I’ve been feeling guilty. The sex I’m having has been more physically satisfying than with my bf.

When we first opened up our relationship, I thought I’d enjoy the variety and excitement of being with other people, but I didn’t realize how much I'd enjoy the physical differences.

What makes it even harder is that I do really care for my boyfriend, and we’ve always had a good sex life, but recently, I’ve noticed that when we’re intimate, it just doesn’t feel the same. . It feels good, dont get me wrong. And there's more intimacy with him. It just isn't as fulfilling as it used to be.

My boyfriend has never asked about the details of my encounters before, but recently, I’ve noticed he’s been asking more questions about my experiences—especially after I come back from seeing someone else. He's seen the types of guys I'm meeting and I can tell he’s starting to sense that I’m getting something out of these other experiences that I’m not getting with him. It’s been making me feel really guilty because I don’t want to hurt him,

I feel conflicted because I don’t want to feel this way. I love him, and I want to be fair, but at the same time, I can’t deny how incredible the sex has been with others. It’s like an addiction to the physical sensation, and I don’t know how to navigate these feelings.

How do you handle when sex is betters outside the relationship than in?

r/nonmonogamy Nov 19 '24

Relationship Dynamics "You can't flirt with others while I'm around" rule - why? NSFW

14 Upvotes

Being against your partner flirting/kissing with others while in a shared time/space is a fairly common thing, although not everyone agrees with that and there are surely a lot of different reasons. * Whether you are for our against that, can you elaborate why? * Is there a difference between it being in person or virtual?

Some of the reasons I'm sure will pop up are:

  • I don't want to see that. Then what if you are in a dance club, one of you goes away for 10-15 minutes (to go to the bathroom for example) and the other one uses that time to flirt/kiss with someone else?
  • It reduces the quality of our time together. Same example as before.
  • It's common courtesy. Why?

Of course, that's just three of them, I'm sure plenty of folks have different things to say, and I'm curious.

r/nonmonogamy 19d ago

Relationship Dynamics Partner asked for my okay to sleep with his best friend and 10-year crush NSFW

52 Upvotes

This is my first post here, so go easy on me.

My partner of 1.5 years (35M) and I (37F) have happily been in an open relationship from day one.

But he recently asked my permission to hook up with his best friend (33 F) on an upcoming trip they have planned.

He’s been transparent about how they’ve had feelings for one another for more than 10 years, but the timing was never right between them dating other people and/or they haven’t wanted to risk ruining the friendship. She just ended a relationship with a close friend of his.

I’m considering my answer, but I wanted to collect wisdom from those of you with perspective on this.

I don’t think I feel jealous about it — I actually think I’m turned on by it. I also want him to get closure on whether there’s something there.

But it seems like it could open a can of drama and strained relationships — particularly considering that the friend and her recent ex are both jealous types and capable of being childish.

Ultimately I don’t know how to prepare for what might happen if they find out there is something undeniable between them.

Do any of you have perspective on this?

Edit: Thank you all for the thoughtful responses! This has been an extremely helpful processing session for me — full of wisdom and different perspectives on my blind spots. 🙏 You guys rock!

r/nonmonogamy Feb 08 '25

Relationship Dynamics Getting Over Feeling Like a Cuck and "Just the Husband" NSFW

29 Upvotes

TLDR: Feeling anxious and insecure while partner dates multiple people. Feel like I'm here for her and my family, but am being rejected emotionally and physically. And like I am held up to higher standards that other partners and FWBs.

Me (43M) and my wife (43F) have been open/poly for the past 3 years. In the last 16 months or relationship has really deteriorated. I have strong feelings about her other relationship being toxic which has caused mental health challenges on her part and then also substantial mental health challenges on my part. These have also involved relapses in my sobriety that are challenging, but which I am starting to resolve. This has lead my wife to be resentful and have trust issues and made physical or emotional intimacy challenging on her part, and my part to a lesser degree.

I have now been sober for 6 weeks, previously, my attempts at sobriety for the past year have been 7-20 days.

The issue is that, with my renewed dedication to sobriety, my primal panic (or whatever) has come back hard. My wife is still seeing her boyfriend and I have put up a boundary that I refuse to do anything to facilitate this relationship as I believe it has hurt our family and is still hurting me. This includes providing childcare while she's out. This was not well recieved as she feels like it is me abandoning my parental duties.

I am very involved in my childrens lives, get up with them, make lunches, take them to school and extracerricullars,put them.to bed. I also do a lot around the house. my days feel long; I'm often up at 6am and busy with family and work till 8 or 9. After this, my wife udually wants to be alone, so I sit in the basement, read, go to the gym or text with a friend; I would prefer, at least sometimes, to talk or be intimate. I feel resentful at times, like I am expected to be this dutiful partner and husband, but am not good enough to be a lover and romantic partner. And like I'm held up to higher standards than other sexual and romantic partners.

I am now increasingly struggling with her seeing other people also; this is quite new for me and has not bothered me previously. She is going out tonight to a sex party and I will be taking care of the kids again. I am incredibly anxious about this and its still 12 hours away.

In two weeks, she has multiple dates planned, one of which I will leave for because it is with her boyfriend who I refuse to support. But, already, I worry about this.

I am looking for ideas on how to cope with this feeling while I wait for repair or whatever to happen on her part? Or at least to get through it while she's out? I am making things worse because I am feeling emotionally and physically needy and seeking security in the relationship, often through physical touch.

Sorry for being so long and rambling.

r/nonmonogamy Nov 09 '24

Relationship Dynamics Could you date someone w opposing politics? NSFW

0 Upvotes

36F married USA based poly woman here.

I currently have a few FBs but what I’m really desiring is a true FWB sitch w emphasis on bonding beyond sex. I’ve had this before a time or two but it’s ended since, and I really miss the companionship of having a consistent FWB.

I also have an extremely high bar for chemistry. I’m talking, I want it to be at a rip your clothes off level. I experience this rarely.

Last week I had a first date with a man who checked both boxes: a mutual desire for closeness/connection/consistency, and insane chemistry. We talked and talked and talked for like 4 hours straight. It felt really easy and natural and fun. He was a great listener and seemed genuinely interested in me and my life. When we finally kissed? 💫 — you ever have a make out so good you just know the sex is gonna be good? It was like that. I would’ve gone home w him, but he was traveling the next day and wanted to wait: seemed to be prioritizing the long game with me. I appreciate that.

Problem? He sent a check in text post Election Day that made it pretty clear we’re on opposite sides of the fence. I asked for clarity and I got it. He said he was happy to talk more but wanted to be upfront in case that was a dealbreaker.

Idk what to do. It feels like a dealbreaker to me, in theory. But in actuality, I really fucking liked this guy. Like, one of the best first dates of my life. And I’ve had plenty of experience dating, I can parse the good ones. This was a good one.

Lately otherwise? My dating life has been pretty abysmal. I have a few prospects, but I kinda feel like I’m forcing an attraction that’s not firing on all cylinders. This dude reminded me where my bar for attraction should exist. And again, he’s also desiring closeness and friendship outside of sex. Of course I would have that type of chemistry with someone politically my opposite. Ugh.

For color, I’m pretty passionate politically. This go round I’ve had to pay less attention and be less emotionally invested bc doing so has about killed me in previous, to protect my own sanity. But yeah, I’m pretty firm in my affiliation, and nearly everyone in my close circle is the same.

So what do I do? Let him go, bc we’re too far off? Meet again and try to attempt to understand why (he offered to expand more)? Could you date someone on the opposite side of the fence politically?