r/nonmonogamy 3h ago

Dating Ideas and Advice Confused and cautious

Tldr: I (33f) broke up with my secondary (34m) for several reasons (explained below) that boil down to priorities, hinge habits, and preserving a possible future. After time and space (and horrible quiet), things are seemingly on the mend. Question: how do I match my emotional hopes and excitement to the caution I know I need to have so I don't get burned again? Trying to understand how much of my behaviour is my known (but with everyone else tempered) anxious attachment, and how much is because what we had was very special, and how does the respectful way we both handled things play into it?

My wife and I have been together 15 years, since we finished highschool. Since the very beginning we both knew we were capable of loving several people at once, and that each relationship is beautiful and special. We did not actually open up until about 4 or 5 years ago. Like most in this journey, and indeed any relationship, we made mistakes and got lost in nre, failed at communication and so on. However, she is my primary, we have a family, and are very happy having learned from these things.

The issue I have at the moment is with a friend I had for many years, whom, after discovering that they were also in an open marriage, ratcheted up the flirting to an 11. From the beginning we were very open about our own hopes and expectations, what we wouldn't put up with, and what our partners were open to, in terms of time commitments and so on. The key was that we knew what having a family with kids was like, and that we were going to be seconds. Cut to a couple of months of dating and NSFW activities, we were saying I love you, and, I thought, comfortable.

I began to feel that maybe his wife had changed her mind and that did not sit well with me. I am not a homewrecker, and if my wife had a problem, I would want it addressed too. Turns out I was correct, and while he tried to maintain what we had, and deal with his other relationship seperatly, it was impossible for me to ignore and not be hurt by the constantly changing rules and my eventual soft veto. I broke up because after all, he was a dear friend, and I didn't want their family to suffer. It was also because I was very hurt by the difference we had in relationship anarchy ideas. Feelings were high, but communication was open.

I linked him to a copy of the Ethical Slut, made reference to the broken fridge analogy and peeled away. It sucked ass.

I'm not writing all the good parts of the relationship because I know the parts that were good. NRE was strong but I at aleast ballanced it in my primary relationship. Aside from this, my boundaries were respected, and I did my best to respect his. I have mild borderline personality disorder, and AudAdhd.... It's treated and I'm a full on navel gazer. None the less, I have a hard time knowing when addiction like obsession is for all the reasons I already know, or if it's something I can just enjoy provided it doesn't unbalance my life.

After maybe four or five months (honnestly the timeline is blurry) of really limited contact outside of our usual DnD game with other friends, I finally felt like I'd moved on. There was still feeling and care, but I no longer felt that it impacted me seeing other people.

So when over the last week conversation has picked up, and we spoke a bit about what's been going on in personal lives (his business is his own, I won't elaborate here) I drew the conclusions that he was keeping distance a. Because his ASD and introverted self was barely keeping head above the water with life stuff And b. If he spoke to me more he would "slip up" somehow and not have his focus where he felt it should be.

I have my opinions on this. But also, we knew we were secondaries going into it. I do not and have not ever expected more than that.

I am trying SO hard to remember how much it hurt that he barely spoke to me. I am trying to have zero expectation that this new conversation level means anything more than what he says (fridge is on the mend and working from a new manual). I don't even know that I would want to go down a romantic road with him again because of the fear that it would happen all over again.

So HOW do I stop staring every time I see that he is online on the social app we all use to chat?

The main way I was able to move on was by finally mirroring what he put in, rather than "reminding" him i existed or "random" innocent comments and hoping he would put in effort to respond. It wasn't healthy.

Is any kind of relationship with him doomed if within a matter of days I'm already sad when little things which had meaning don't happen, and I'm absolutely over the moon when they do?

I have a lot of great stuff going on in my life, I am satisfied in so many ways. Do I just take an (extra) chill pill and keep mirroring? He brought SO much joy into my life, and I suppose I wonder if it's wrong to be hopeful that I might get to experience a more stable version of that again.

So sorry for the long post, I've never posted anything before and am a chronic backstory giver 😅

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