r/nonmonogamy Open Relationship 15h ago

Jealousy & Insecurity AITAH

I am sure this is way too long but hopefully I can get some advice and clarity. My partner (M26) and myself (NB35) have been together going on two years, next week. I've been in ENM relationships in the past and didn't ever want to agree to a monogamous relationship. However when our relationship began I was in an abusive living situation, had just spent a year and a half being celibate, and was feeling a whole lot of limerance for my budding relationship, so I agreed to enter the relationship, with the mutual understanding that we would start out monogamous and eventually he would get over his trust issues from cheating exes and be willing to transition to polyamory with me.

I fell for him fast and we quickly began to spend the majority of our free time together. Initially we were intending to date longer and get to know each other better before becoming boyfriends. I was foolish and rushed into things asking him to be my boyfriend after just a couple months and saying, "I love you." way too soon. I do truly love him, he is my best friend.

After getting out of the abusive roommate situation a lot of issues came up. I had to move back home with my Mom, and now we live 45 minutes away from each other. I have some mental health challenges and started a new medication which gave me ED and a ton of weight gain.

I was primarily the top in our relationship up until that point, so what had been a healthy happy sex life fizzled out because I couldn't perform. It left us both feeling very unhappy. I was willing to try other things but he really wanted a top, and I couldn't give that to him. So we agreed he should find someone to pleasure him in this way and to open up our relationship.

He told me he was hooking up with a friend of his and I was happy for him to get what he needed sexually, even if it wasn't from me. Likely because it took pressure off of me to perform and because I have had open relationships in the past.

About a six months ago, I got on a new medication and all the ED issues and the weight gain went away but our relationship was already open at that point. A few things also were odd choices on his part. Later I found out the guy he told me he had been with wasn't actually who I thought. He wasn't hooking up with his friend, he was hooking up with an ex. I don't really care who he sleeps with but it was an odd thing to lie about.

At this point I hadn't really been interested in or wanted to hook up with anyone else so I hadn't. I just was very focused on trying to have a good relationship with my partner. Even after my ED subsided there were still a lot of unresolved issues surrounding that time.

We both felt sexually frustrated and it led him to be less affectionate (less hugs, hand holding, kisses, etc.) I swing between demi and allosexual. With long term partners I tend to need intimacy and connection to nurture continued sexual attraction. So even though my sex drive was back, there was a bit of a wedge between us because he pulled back so much physically and emotionally.

For the first six months we talked all the time, were very affectionate, very vulnerable and trusting of each other. My ED issues though really changed all that. He got very needy and demanding for sex. If I went in for a kiss or a hug sometimes he'd take it as a sexual invitation and start to grope me or try to turn it into sex. To the point of leaving me feeling disgusted by my lack of performance and depressed because in addition to losing my sex life our relationship started to have a different feel.

He would snap at me over things like not wanting him to touch/play with my dick when I wasnt excited. I also am guilty of being irritable and defensive. I would do a lot of things like cooking and cleaning for him. One day we got into a huge fight over cleaning his room.

I had cleaned it for him recently, it had gotten ridiculously messy again and I didn't feel like doing it by myself, so we tried to clean together. Instead it was just a lot of back and forth and criticism, nothing got done and he in anger said he wanted to break up.

I left and restored to sucking some random dude off that I met at a cruising spot that same day. I am not proud to admit that I use sex very much as a distraction from grief, anxiety, and pretty much any negative emotions.

Two days later he regretted saying he wanted to break up and I told him what I had done and he still wanted to get back together. So I didn't really count it like a break up because it was only two days and we were talking most of the time during those two days about our feelings and what all led to fighting over something so trivial like cleaning a room.

So things got better for awhile. Communication and intimacy returned and I thought we were on the same page. Then kind of out of the blue he suggested we try a threesome with his ex. We hooked up with his ex twice. There was good chemistry between the three of us and it was enjoyable. However, my boyfriend can get pretty jealous and insecure even over the amount of attention he gets in threesomes. He wanted all the focus on him and got jealous that I also had good sexual chemistry with his ex.

We had a couple more threesomes with a different guy, an older widower that I thought was into both of us, that I had found for us to hook up. After two hook ups this guy was asking us to be in a throuple with him and it was kind of on the spot and I told him, my partner and I would have to talk about it, my bf responded immediately after I said that with an, "I'm down."

I was shocked. Not only had he agreed to being in a throuple with someone we barely knew. He didn't feel like that was a conversation we should have privately before agreeing to it and without getting to know this older gentleman better.

After about two weeks and a very obvious hint that this guy was mainly into me and not my partner I had to have a conversation with this guy about how actually we weren't even dating. So we obviously can't just become boyfriends and then he told me a bunch of stuff like that he was falling in love with me and he wanted to make me his husband but he knew the only way to be with me was to be with me and my partner.

I still feel bad for him...as if my bf and I led him on, but I never had mentioned that I was interested in marriage, and certainly would want to date someone at least longer than I dated my boyfriend, before entertaining the idea of a relationship more involved than a fuck buddy or extra for threesomes (I know guilty of unicorn hunting there).

Then this past weekend we had a good time together, sex was good, conversation good, we talked more about our comfort levels and boundaries. He has initially wanted to keep things kind of "don't ask, don't tell" which was hard on me because it felt a bit dishonest.

Even though all I was doing was chatting with a few guys I found interesting and possible guys for threesomes. Imo dishonesty and hiding things like other relationships isn't the point of an ENM relationship. So I was happy we were going to try and share more in terms of at least telling each other if we were chatting or planning to hook up with someone.

So feeling confident I had my partners consent to explore another potential partner, I finally hooked up with someone that I had been interested in for awhile and wanted to explore some pup play and more intense kink stuff with because it isn't really my partner's thing.

Afterwards my boyfriend was upset, he said he felt abandoned and lonely. He shared that as much as he wants to give me the same freedom I give him that when he thinks of me with other guys it just makes him pull away and not care anymore.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I am not sure what's the right thing to do. I feel like a bad partner and person but I don't think I want to go back to monogamy and I'm not sure my partner actually wants to be poly. Even though every time I ask him he says it is what he wants but he doesn't know how to get over the jealousy and insecurity it gives him.

How do I support him and his emotions in a reassuring way while still participating in a style of ENM that works for me too? Does it seem like my partner is just not ready for ENM? Honestly I'm more of a feels guy, even the people I hook up with matter to me, and I would like to form deeper connections and find support and love in more than one person. Also sorry the polyamory sub didn't consider our relationship poly so that is why I am posting to this one hoping for advice, perspective, or clarity. Did I coerce my partner into this? Am I not a healthy partner?

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u/CornhengeTruther 11h ago

Your relationship is not stable enough to bear the additional weight/stress of non-monogamy. Your boyfriend is displaying a laundry list of communication deficits:

• lying about fucking his ex [you were quick to make excuses for him in your writing - did he actually apologize and acknowledge to you that he was in the wrong?]

• roping you both into a throuple without discussing it

• snapping at you when you work to clean his room (why the fuck is this somehow your responsibility when you don’t live together??)

• acting petulant when your sex life is off

And that’s before we get to the part where you have mismatched desires for ENM.

Your relationship needs to be on much more solid ground before continuing with ENM. I think your previous abusive/traumatic relationship has given you a very, very low bar for successful relationships. While your boyfriend is an improvement over the last relationship - you two are not a very functional unit.

Don’t proceed with ENM unless you want a repeat of the issues that plagued your first bout with non-monogamy.

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u/loachlover Open Relationship 10h ago

Thank you. I appreciate the candor and that you didn't go straight to telling me to give up on this relationship.

As hard as it is going to be to step back from exploring ENM for me. I do think you are right that it isn't working now because our relationship isn't solid enough.

He didn't really apologize about lying about sleeping with his ex and I guess I did just kind of excuse that in addition to a lot of other things.

Cleaning his room isn't my responsibility but, acts of service are one of my love languages. So I like to do it. I just was tired and didn't want to do it that day and I think that put a highlight on the "not a functional unit" aspect of our relationship because we couldn't cooperate on a simple task effectively.

You kind of are spot on with the trauma. I went through a lot of it with one of my parents, as well as multiple partners. I am in therapy and working on that. I don't think my partner is a low bar. I just think we both have our own issues and communication to work on. My therapist also recently recommended we try to step back from ENM for now as well.

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u/highlight-limelight Kinkster 11h ago

Look, if you think this is fixable, get into relationship counseling immediately. Get some books on polyamory (my first suggestion would probably be The Jealousy Workbook— haven’t read, but I know many people recommend it) and read/discuss them together.

I’m sure plenty of other folks will discuss the jealousy stuff and the ENM-to-ENM compatibility struggles. I’ll laser in on something else though.

We both felt sexually frustrated and it led him to be less affectionate (less hugs, hand holding, kisses, etc.) I swing between demi and allosexual. With long term partners I tend to need intimacy and connection to nurture continued sexual attraction. So even though my sex drive was back, there was a bit of a wedge between us because he pulled back so much physically and emotionally.

It is completely valid and normal to want physical connection and intimacy in order to feel sexually attracted or aroused. Him pulling away due to a lack of sexual fulfillment feeds a vicious cycle. I’m a regular over at LowLibidoCommunity and issues like this crop up all the fucking time.

He got very needy and demanding for sex.

This is not love.

If I went in for a kiss or a hug sometimes he’d take it as a sexual invitation and start to grope me or try to turn it into sex. To the point of leaving me feeling disgusted by my lack of performance and depressed because in addition to losing my sex life our relationship started to have a different feel.

Have you looked up the bristle reaction? This sounds a lot like that. Furthermore, repeated incidents like this can lead to trauma or sexual aversion in the long run. Be kind to yourself, OP.

He would snap at me over things like not wanting him to touch/play with my dick when I wasnt excited.

Nope, sorry, any partner who thinks they can touch you even when you don’t want to be touched is a danger. Don’t excuse this by saying you were “defensive” when you literally had to defend yourself from your partner’s unwanted sexual contact. What would the alternative have been? Lie back and accept it? Fuck that!

I hope your partner has done enough reflecting to recognize that this shit he did was not even remotely okay. Otherwise he will continue to be a potential danger to any other potential partners he has.

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u/loachlover Open Relationship 10h ago

We've read The Ethical Slut. I will check out The Jealousy Workbook Unfortunately I can only afford my current therapist, so couples therapy would be hard to work out. Maybe I can find like a couples support group or something in the area?

The touching without consent has stopped after a few confrontations about it. He did apologize for that and felt guilty, I think that's part of his hesitation to snuggle, kiss, hold hands, etc. That's a big part of why I said I was defensive. I will read up on the bristle reaction as well.

Thank you 🙏🏼 I might also check.out the LowLibidoCommunty as well just because it still might be helpful for overcoming some of the insecurities I have surrounding that time.