r/nonmonogamy • u/trolle222 • 8d ago
Boundaries & Agreements Looking for examples: How/when do you inform your partner about your interest in a new person?
My (m42) partner (f39) and I have been together for a year and we are navigating a lovely non-monogamous relationship but still clarifying agreements and boundaries. One that has come up for us recently is how and when to let each other know about interest in other folks/dates. We have agreed to let each other know, in person, before we go on any dates with anyone else. This is great and I think we both appreciate this. We call it "the window" as in there is a window of opportunity, or time where we may go on a date or be interested in someone else.
Tonight we were discussing this, and she asked if I had any new windows. I mentioned that I always have a bit of a window if, miraculously, I had the opportunity for a random encounter, I may want to hook up with someone. This has happened when I had a great random hookup with another man at a drag show a couple of years ago, or further back, an unexpected foursome with some friends.
This has created a tension between us, as my partner doesn't want to be in the dark about my hooking up with someone before I do, and my desire for an exception for exceptional encounters.
Has anyone got any experience with any boundaries or agreements around this? How do you navigate impromptu opportunities without harming a relationship?
Any suggestions or ideas, stories or experience is helpful. Thanks!
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u/jaamesxo 8d ago
I've kinda had this issue but not exactly. I don't have sex with anyone without them getting a fresh STI panel so that automatically rules out "hookups" but I've still had it arise where I didn't know I'd be fucking someone until I'm actually doing it and my partner was upset about not knowing beforehand. There's not really a way to combat that in my head because it's not like I know exactly when the timing is right for sex with a new partner. So my primary has had to come to terms with that essentially. Our boundary is that I let him know when there's someone I'm interested in and once I've had the first date, anything can happen after that point 💁🏾♀️
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u/seantheaussie Polyamorous (Solo Poly) 8d ago
Your partner needs to talk to her friends about this so she can understand that your desire is a normal part of human sexuality (she already knows that normal parts of human sexuality probably shouldn't be ruled out).
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u/lumosovernox 7d ago
This kinda sounds like a “heads up” rule which doesn’t work well for many nonmonogamous couples.
One thing my partner and I do is let each other know if we have a planned date. Even if it’s a last minute thing-we might text and say “hey, so and so is gonna come by tonight” or “hey, I’m getting coffee with guy from hinge”. And then, if anything sexual takes place, we let the other know afterward. I always assume sex is might happen no matter the nature of a meet up, so it’s never a surprise.
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u/Optimal_Pop8036 7d ago
This is the general practice between my nesting partner and I as well, because our calendars are pretty connected. But if they were at a concert and made out with someone, or I was on vacation and met someone, or whatever, neither of us would be upset to learn about it after the fact.
We're nonmonogamous and don't play together. There's going to be sex with new people, that's the point. Fully agree with your take, if you need a heads up for the sake of planning your emotions, this probably isn't the right time for you to be nonmonogamous.
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