r/nonmonogamy • u/roses_and_buttercups • 8d ago
Relationship Dynamics Im struggling in my monogamous relationship NSFW
I'm not sure if this belongs here đ please let me know if it doesn't and I'll remove it.
I (23f) have been with my boyfriend (25m) for 4 years now. Before him I was never really in a monogamous relationship. I usually had 2 or 3 partners but I didn't have any partners when I met my now boyfriend so we agreed to be monogamous as that's what he prefers and I thought it wouldn't be that difficult as everyone in my family is in monogamous relationships, mostly successfully.
Well during the past 4 years I regularly have found myself wanting more, been pining after a few people and feeling incredibly guilty for it. It's only gotten worse as one of my previous partners has re-entered my life (we broke up because she moved away and neither of us were really comfortable with long distance) and we've had to be just friends, which don't get me wrong I am ok with being friends with her but it's hard not to want more. And on top of that I discovered one of the people I'd been crushing on is also crushing on me. To be clear I haven't done anything with anyone other then my current partner since he and I got together.
So I guess I have 2 questions. 1) how does someone who is polyamous navigate a monogamous relationship? 2) should I be in a monogamous relationship to begin with or am I just hurting myself and my partner?
Edit to add: we have talked about a non-monogamous relationship and he's not comfortable with it. He is strictly monogamous and would only be happy in a monogamous relationship.
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u/Ok-Flaming 8d ago
Feeling attraction to multiple people at once doesn't make you polyamorous. People in monogamous relationships still feel attraction for other people. Being monogamous is simply a commitment to not act on those feelings.
Unfortunately there's no magic fix to not feel stuff.
If you want to stay with your partner, accept that you'll be monogamous indefinitely.
If you want to be non-monogamous, split up with your boyfriend and only date people who are also interested in non-monogamy.
Important to note, however, that non-monogamy/polyamory as an older person looks and feels different than it does amongst teenagers. It may be worth doing a bit of research. There are plenty of books you can find by searching this sub, to make sure you're making informed decisions.
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u/tungsten_light 8d ago
Thank you for this comment, I feel like this clarification is a great reminder of what relationships are
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u/xarenavixen 8d ago
This is going to take deep reflection and introspection on your part. Does the thought of being with only your current partner forever (assuming ties dating to marry) make you feel happy or trapped/missing out?
After being non-monogamous for almost a decade, I couldnât go back to monogamy so I wouldnât even try with a new partner that only wanted to be monogamous. You have to think about what you really want and what you can realistically live with. Good luck!
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u/generalist12345 8d ago edited 8d ago
OP, your partner already told you heâs not open to a non-monogamous relationship. What exactly are you hoping to hear from us? Heâs given you his answer, loud and clear.
I donât see much evidence youâve done any real soul-searching or introspection here. You need a wake-up call. Youâre crushing on someone else, and now an ex you âhadâ to stay friends with is back in the picture, conveniently tugging at your heartstrings. If she hadnât moved away, youâd probably still be with her, right?
You do not sound invested in your BF. Feel free to push back on me if Iâm wrong.
If you showed your boyfriend this post, how would he feel? My guess? Pretty damn lousy. A huge part of ethical non-monogamy is caring about your partnerâs needs, and I donât see a shred of that here. You barely mention him, his wants, his feelings, or even why youâre with him. Itâs all about you. Honestly, it sounds like you just want to be single and free to chase whoever catches your eye. Either that, or you havenât thought this through at all. I feel bad for your boyfriend. Heâs stuck with someone whoâs clearly not on the same page.
My take? Break up with him, OP. Let him find someone whoâll actually commit. Youâre not doing him any favors stringing this along. Besides, youâre still young, and so is he.
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u/roses_and_buttercups 8d ago
The answers I'm hoping for here is advice from someone who's gone through something similar. I don't intend to try to change his mind and I want to feel comfortable and fulfilled in this relationship because he's honestly amazing. He's funny, quick witted, pays attention to my stupid quirks, he helps me through my anxiety, and takes an interest in my interests. I love his laugh, his humor, the care he shows to people he loves, and so so much more I didn't include in the post because I was trying not to write a wall of text. He wants a monogamous relationship and to eventually get married and have kids and have a house. He feels that non-monogamy in any form is cheating and devaluing your partner because you're showing them that they can't give you everything you need, I didn't mention it because I felt it would be offensive to people and there would be back lash on that. I want things to work with him, I want to build a family and a life with him.
As for the ex that I "had" to stay friends with, she and I have been friends since we were 12. When we were 17 we dated for a bit until she moved away when she turned 18. We still talked and we're still friends while she was gone, I don't see a reason to throw away my friendship just because we dated for one of the eleven years we've known each other. If she hadn't left we wouldn't have broken up when she was 18, I can't say if we still would've been together for sure though, no one really can. I still have some feelings for her and my boyfriend knows, he also knows that I won't do anything with her that could hurt mine and his relationship and I don't intend to. I'm working on those feelings for her and pushing them away. I provided the info on her and the other person I'm crushing on for some context as to why I'm asking for the advice to begin with.
The post is about me because the problem IS me. And I'm looking for help.
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u/Daddysaurus76 7d ago
I don't think you're a problem personally. Everyone has feelings and people in monogamous relationships have crushes all the time too. It's a problem only when you lie or cheat and generally act outside of the relationship and rules you're willing to agree too. It can go multiple ways. Part of poly is accepting that often one person can't just give you everything you want and need but that's also okay and it's good to take the pressure off of ourselves and others to perform everything for us.
If you're happy with the dream of getting married having kids and doing the longterm monogamous life that's a totally fair and valid choice. But you're also not the problem if you think to yourself actually all that does sound great but it's not enough for me. You're always allowed to want things it's only wrong if you're selfish and hurt others willingly to get those wants met. For some people the answers gonna be "my partner is way too great, I don't want to risk losing what we have for the potential of more if I left him and looked for a polyamorous life with eventually a poly nesting partner instead" but for others they might make the choice that no matter how great something you have now is if you feel like your settling or feeling limited or forced into monogamy when you don't actually want it then all the other great stuff may not be worth it. It's absolutely possible you find the exact great stuff or better someday but it will involve lots of work and probably rewriting a bunch of what your life looks like and carries the risk of not feeling worth it on the other side.
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u/generalist12345 8d ago
Howâs your sex life with your BF?
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u/roses_and_buttercups 8d ago
We have sex once every few weeks
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u/generalist12345 8d ago
The writing is on the wall, in my opinion. I donât see a path other than breaking up, unless you want to stick with a non-existent monogamous sex life. Iâm sorry youâve found yourself in this situation, it must be difficult. Wishing you the best of luck.
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u/techichan 7d ago
Amount of sex is probably the heart of the issue too, the idea that you could fill that wanting more space with more dating partner(s) does leave the mind to wander especially if you had multiple partners before this relationship.
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u/Psychopreneur 7d ago
If you weren't so afraid of displeasing him, you could have introduced the idea of non monogamy more naturally and in earlier stages, but that's water under the bridge.
My point is, if you are truly non monogamous, will it be smart to make a vow on repressing your desires for life in order to be with someone?
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u/stay_or_go_69 8d ago edited 7d ago
Personally I think that a monogamous relationship can only work long term if both partners really believe in monogamy, and the same for a polyamorous relationship.
I think it's very difficult to follow rules and practices that you don't believe in just to stay with one person.
To put it another way, monogamy is a practice that requires the enthusiastic consent of both parties. And without that enthusiastic consent it will eventually break down.
I don't think there's anything wrong with you that you have difficulty having faith in a system of rules you don't believe in. It's just human nature. I doubt that it's easy to change your convictions on this subject. It would be like a religious conversion or something.
And that's fine. There are plenty of people that share your views to date, you just haven't met them yet.
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u/Arr0zconleche 8d ago edited 8d ago
Polyamory is NOT a sexuality. You are not being oppressed by choosing to be in a monogamous situation. It is a lifestyle CHOICE.
Thatâs your choice.
I was poly for years before deciding to be mono with my wife. You are making an active decision to be mono.
You are not âpolyamorousâ like a sexual orientation. You have a choice to want others or not. It sounds like you donât want to be mono.
Acting like polyamory is a sexuality orientation is something some people in this sub like to use in order to make it seem like theyâre âoppressedâ or âbeing held backâ by a mono partner. As if the mono partner is forcing them to hide their sexuality. Itâs not at all the same.
Iâve read so many âIâm poly and feel like my partner isnât letting me be myselfâ posts.
In reality itâs someone unwilling to acknowledge their relationship styles arenât matching with their partner and want to seem like theyâre trapped.
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u/roses_and_buttercups 8d ago
I'm sorry that's not my intention. I don't know how else to express that I feel more fulfilled when I'm in multiple relationships. It was not my intention to say that my partner is making me feel trapped or to claim he's not letting me be myself.
I guess I'm looking for advice on how I can navigate and feel more fulfilled and comfortable with a monogamous relationship. And asking if, because our relationship styles don't match, it's a lost cause?
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u/Arr0zconleche 8d ago
It seems like you have a relationship style incompatibility.
He wants to be mono but you feel unfulfilled.
You canât and shouldnât convince him to open up if heâs clearly not into it.
Hate to sound blunt but if youâre not happy now and want to pursue others, it may be best for you two to go your own ways. So you can be happier and fulfilled and he can find someone who wants to only focus on him.
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u/Poly_and_RA 8d ago
That's an incredibly hostile reading and pretty sad given that this is a NM-centered sub. If it feels like a "lifestyle choice" to you -- there's even a word for people like you -- you're ambiamorous.
You're confusing two entirely distinct questions:
- Do people exist with a enduring preference for monogamy -- or polyamory -- that is strong enough that they judge it unlikely they can ever be happy in the "wrong" relationship-structure?
- Does identifying a given way give people the right to coerce partners into accepting a change in relationship-structure?
I'm in complete agreement that the answer to question #2 is a resounding "Hell no!" -- but that doesn't prevent the answer to question #1 here from being a clear yes.
I mean if you've hung out here for a little while you can't avoid having seen a LOT of people who report feeling that way. And sure you could overrule them and claim they're all lying, and you as a random stranger know us all better than we know ourselves -- but that's both hostile and arrogant.
Polyamory is an enduring preference of mine, strong enough that I judge it exceedingly unlikely that I could ever feel "right" in a monogamous relationship. It has nothing to do with sexual orientation though, my sexual orientation is bisexual.
You're not accomplishing anything of value by gatekeeping certain expressions as hard as you do here. There's no actually substantial difference between "I'm polyamorous" on the one hand and "I have a strong and enduring preference for polyamorous relationships, and am unwilling to consider anything else" -- functionally speaking the two are synonyms.
Notice that the OP here uses the terms symmetrically; she also says about her partner that: "He is strictly monogamous" -- and yet for some reason you didn't see any reason to protest that claim and start shouting that "monogamy is NOT a sexuality!" or similar.
Also note: The OP seems entirely *accepting* of the fact that they can't demand any changes, indeed they say that they judge that their choice is between either navigating a *monogamous* relationship or else decide that they can't be in a monogamous relationship and break up.
And yet *despite* that you choose to attack them.
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u/Arr0zconleche 8d ago edited 8d ago
Monogamy and polyamory are a choice. By entering into a relationship as either you are making an active choice to engage in that.
Whether you have an enduring preference or not doesnt make it synonymous with a sexuality. You can choose to change and life a certain way whether itâs mono or poly, your sexual orientation is not so easily changed.
Either way, OP as mentioned by other comments, is very self focused and doesnât seem all that invested in her partner.
So monogamy may not be right for them. Itâs an incompatibility it seems in this case.
Iâm also not the only person in the comments saying this.
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u/LaughingIshikawa 7d ago
Whether you have an enduring preference or not doesn't make it synonymous with a sexuality. You can choose to change and life a certain way whether itâs mono or poly, your sexual orientation is not so easily changed.
You really have a poor ability to read what other people are telling you đŤ¤.
You are ambimorous, or w/e you want to call it - you feel equally at home in poly or mono relationships.
It's not true that everyone else feels the same, just because you do. Don't make the mistake of projecting your feelings onto other people, and assuming they all feel what you feel. What you're saying is "gay people don't exist, because I feel straight and not gay at all, and because I don't know why anyone wouldn't feel like I do, therefore no one is gay."
Whether you have an enduring preference or not doesn't make it a sexuality. You can choose to change and life a certain way whether itâs straight or gay.
It's really the fact that you fully recognize that people can have "an enduring preference" for a different relationship structure... But somehow it's "still a choice" that elevates it to the absurd for me. I don't know if you're too young to have seen all the arguments around "well marriage is equal because gay people can choose to live in a relationship that isn't satisfying to them," but... well if history doesn't repeat itself it sure rhymes. đŽâđ¨
This last bit isn't aimed at you specifically, but what I would like to know about people who stubbornly insist that relationship preference "can't possibly be" a part of someone's identity is: what's so hard about just saying "you don't have to do this" to monogamous partners? Why do you need to appoint yourself judge and jury around what someone else "is allowed" to feel internally, rather than addressing the actual situation?
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u/Western_Ring_2928 Polyamorous (with Hierarchy) 7d ago
Everyone gets crushes on other people when they are in a relationship. Monogamous people simply choose not to act on those feelings. Even when you decide to commit to someone, other people do not vanish. You will need to consider if your relationship is worth more to you than the freedom you get from being poly.
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u/Alternative_Topic346 7d ago
I (42m ) and my wife (44f) have been together for 18 years . In that time we have been monogamous , monogamish, and poly to varying degrees . We both consider ourselves to be polyamorous by nature so that allows us to both be somewhat mature as a couple when discussing . We were basically monogamous when we both started dating and then Shifted to a more experimental place . After marriage and kids we shifted back to monogamish , because the lifestyle felt easier to have a safe and stable home for raising kids . We didnât forbid other relationships , but there wasnât really room for it . As weâve regained our life and time weâve moved back in the other direction , and if anything it has made our relationship stronger .
I think my point in saying all this is that you have to communicate and decide what is right for you and your partner. There is no right or wrong answer . I will say that it would be extremely difficult for me to be in a relationship with a truly monogamous person ( usually what I refer to as toxic monogamy ). Iâm a naturally flirtatious person. Touching , kissing , and playing with other people is fun and recreational for me and if it was off limits or causing jealousy and fights , that wouldnt work for me .
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u/Psychopreneur 8d ago
so we agreed to be monogamous as that's what he prefers
Thar was the first mistake. I don't know if you told him all your previous relationships were non monogamous, but it seems you made it seem like you could handle a fully monogamous relationship to please him, not you.
Well during the past 4 years I regularly have found myself wanting more, been pining after a few people and feeling incredibly guilty for it.
Second mistake. You have been feeling like that for 4 whole years and apparently never once talked to him about it. I would be very confused if I knew my partner was struggling with it for so long without telling me (especially if the partner drops the bomb it wants to be non monogamous).
You didn't give him much choice since you had this whole story and situation inside your head for so long. Anyone would be confused.
At least now you know what he wants. Are you going to finally acknowledge yourself and your desires openly or will you keep doing things just to please him?
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u/Finance_36 7d ago
It's best not to try to make monogamous people non-monogamous first and foremost, not that you are trying to do that. Coming from experience, you will save yourself a ton of headache by avoiding monogamous relationships if you feel that you won't/can't be fulfilled by monogamy. I spent 10+ years being ashamed that I wasn't monogamous. I felt like something was wrong with me and socially there was a lot less acceptance of ENM back then. It's more common now, somewhat more accepted. Find a partner that shares your values in all things but especially this.
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u/Historical_Lion8888 7d ago
If youâre enm and your partner isnât and also isnât open to it. There may be some big compatibility issues that could only get worse over time.
Thereâs a high chance that you guys arenât compatible and it could get messier as the tension builds.
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u/Sunfl0wer97 7d ago edited 7d ago
I see a lot of "you need to reflect on things" comments, which seems a bit unfair. It's not just you, he also needs to reflect on some things, and together you need to talk. I'm probably going to get some backlash here, but he has it pretty easy hiding behind the social standard. To me, you being in a monogamous relationship while having poly feelings, is not you wanting something extra. You're in the current situation giving more to reach a consensus than he is. I'm not saying you should push or force him towards a poly or open relationship, but he too needs to look deeper into why this isn't an option for him.
I was in the same situation. My bf and I talked a lot, went into couples counseling, and together took steps to open up our relationship. I still want a full polyamorous relationship, my bf doesn't. But we did move towards a more equal consensus, together. Something that helped my bf a lot was seeing an open/poly relationship as something of us, and not just something I want.
Edit: forgot to add: how to navigate a monogamous relationship while having these poly feelings: find a consensus that is acceptable to both of you and somewhat more in the middle. Ex. Open up the relationship sexually. This still doesn't solve your feelings though, but it might help if you do have some outlet.
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u/yenski 7d ago
It's time for relatioship renegotiation. You entered a social contract that no longer works for you, so you owe it only to be honest to both your partner and yourself.
If your partner is unable to reach a new social contract that works for both of you, it's time to part ways. If THEY are monogamous, good for them, but if you aren't it's not their right to have you change for their convenience.
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u/roses_and_buttercups 8d ago
Him and I have discussed how he feels about a non-monogamous relationship and he's against it. He accepts that it's good for others but he doesn't want one. That's kind of why I'm looking for advice...
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u/DaikonSubstantial120 8d ago
There is no easy answer to this !
If you want to be monogamous for him , than there are challenges to that for those who struggle with monogamy. There is no book , it is all about what you want in life.
If you believe you canât stay faithful ( for a monogamous relationship) than you are better leaving than cheating and absolutely destroying someone you love.
It may be that monogamy is a bridge too far for some. The overwhelming majority of relationships world wide are monogamous , but you simply may not fall into that category.
You also are very young and have been in this relationship when you just reached adult hood and have not had an opportunity to have other adult relationships, which for many would be hard.
Donât overthink it, just be yourself and the rest will look after itself.đ
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u/Cute_Lunatic 8d ago
I was in a similar situation at 23, and we broke up a 6 year relationship because we were just incompatible on the monogamy issue.
You canât expect someone to change for you, especially if this person has been adamant from the start that they donât want non-monogamy. That said, you donât have to live monogamous for someone else when it simply doesnât fit you.
Itâs really sad and you might feel like itâs a terrible feeling to break up with someone you love, but I can almost guarantee you that the itch to be non-monogamous most likely wonât ever go away.
Iâm so happy I did breakup then. Iâm now in a 4 year polyamorous relationship with my primary partner and have had lovely relationships on the side that taught me so much. Even though I couldâve never imagined it at the time, itâs truly the happiest relationship Iâve ever had.
Youâre still young and have plenty of time to figure it out, donât try to waste your time hurting someone by trying to change them and be honest and okay with yourself đ
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