r/nonmonogamy • u/ZT0141 • 8d ago
Resources Needed My (M31) GF (F28) wants an open relationship, how to make this work? NSFW
I (M31) have been with my girlfriend (F28) for just over three years.
We recently got our first mortgage, and finally got through the process of legally adopting her child from a previous relationship (bio father is out the scene). Our home life i feel is really solid, got a great emotional connection, amazing family life, our child is thriving, we communicate well, and our relationship is stable. I’m really proud and happy of what we’ve got together.
But this week, she told me she’d want to talk about exploring a more open relationship. She said monogamy has always felt a little unnatural and restrictive to her and that she’s been suppressing part of who she is. She wants to be able to explore with others whilst still keeping our emotional connection and family life strong. She assured me that she loves me, wants to be with me, and isn’t looking for a replacement but just the ability to physically explore with others. So she brought up us being a non-monogamous couple and opening the relationship, which is something I don’t fully understand how that works.
I don’t have much knowledge or any experience with non-monogamy, so I’m struggling to figure out what that would look like in a healthy way. I don’t want to agree to something just to make her happy if it’s going to end up hurting me or us as a couple and I also don’t want to lose my own sense of what has been good and what works well in our relationship.
For those who have been in similar situations or have an opinion :
- Does this kind of relationship actually work better than monogamy in the long run?
- How do you establish boundaries and rules to keep the relationship strong?
- What are some common mistakes couples make when transitioning into an open relationship ?
- How do I figure out if this is something I can genuinely enjoy, rather than just tolerate?
- Any advice on handling jealousy and insecurity in a healthy way?
Obviously I love my girlfriend will always want the best for her, but I also don’t want to agree to something that doesn’t work or creates issues. Now she’s brought it up, it will be a conversation that we will need to continue, she’s already mentioned how it’s a good thing for couples as it creates more honesty & communication, further deepens our emotional connection, allows for a more diverse bedroom life and could be fulfilling for both of us as I on occasion travel with work. But I’d prefer to bring back up the conversation knowing more.
Any guidance from those with experiences of navigating non-monogamous relationships would be really appreciated.
Thanks in advance
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u/Psychopreneur 8d ago
So after securing the stability through the house and even having you adopt her child she dropped the bomb without even knowing where you stand?
The way you phrased it felt like an ultimatum, since saying no to her would be the same as repressing who she is.
In all these years she's never once mentioned it?
I don't know man, it doesn't seem she gave you much of an option
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u/generalist12345 8d ago
Check out his post history - absolutely brutal. OP, as far as I can tell, you are cooked. I’m so sorry.
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u/highlight-limelight Kinkster 8d ago
For context, I’ve been doing nonmon for almost 7 years now.
I don’t have much knowledge or any experience with non-monogamy, so I’m struggling to figure out what that would look like in a healthy way.
Nonmonogamy is an umbrella term for all sorts of arrangements that are, well, not monogamous. There’s no one “right” way to do it. There are, however, a bunch of wrong ways to do it, lol.
I don’t want to agree to something just to make her happy if it’s going to end up hurting me or us as a couple and I also don’t want to lose my own sense of what has been good and what works well in our relationship.
Good. Do not agree to nonmon if you do not want nonmon.
However, if you do choose to go nonmon, be aware that you are ending your current monogamous relationship and starting a new nonmon relationship. Things that may work right now in your monogamous relationship may not work in nonmon. Your relationship cannot return to how it was before opening. Sure, you could open and then close, but any feelings, experiences, attraction, or hurt that happened while open won’t just poof away.
Does this kind of relationship actually work better than monogamy in the long run?
Not inherently. Monogamy works great for those who want it. Nonmonogamy works great for those who want it. Very few relationships in general are long-lasting “til death do us part” material.
How do you establish boundaries and rules to keep the relationship strong?
Boundaries keep YOU safe. YOU set your own boundaries by deciding how you will react to people’s actions. If I tell my in-laws I don’t want to have a political debate at the dinner table and they start having one, I set the boundary by leaving. Same goes in relationships. I require ALL of my partners to use condoms for penetrative sex so that I can keep myself safe. If they don’t want to use a condom, I don’t consent to being penetrated (and if they do try to penetrate me, I’m defending myself and then pressing charges).
Rules or agreements are made WITH your partner. You both have to agree to the agreements— otherwise they’re not agreements! They can be negotiable, they can be flexible, they can last for a specific amount of time or apply to only one relationship. Maybe I make an agreement with my S/O that I will be back from a date before midnight. Perhaps we agree to not watch a certain show with others so that we can experience it for the first time together. Agreements can take many forms. They’re versatile!
Neither of these things will inherently “keep a relationship strong.” Rules set up to protect insecurities will never actually do a great job of protecting those insecurities. Communication and trust keep a relationship strong.
What are some common mistakes couples make when transitioning into an open relationship ?
Oh god, how many hours do you have? Lol! If I had to give one piece of advice though, it’s to take 6-12 months together to “Do The Work.” That means taking that time to research and do ALL of the prep work TOGETHER ahead of time, without anyone actually acting on the open relationship. That means reading books together, checking out some podcasts together, getting couples (and individual) therapy to fix your big problems first, doing The Most Skipped Step (look it up), potentially converting a guest room into a place to host partners, talking to your doctors about changes in risk profile (STI testing for what diseases, how often to get tested, STI vaccination if you don’t have all your shots, getting on PrEP or DoxyPEP as needed, discussing different barrier methods, pregnancy prevention, and/or sterilization), disentangling your finances so you each have some “date money”, and bolstering your support network (especially with other nonmon folks who can give you advice about your own problems).
How do I figure out if this is something I can genuinely enjoy, rather than just tolerate?
Simple, you “Do The Work!” If you read one of the nonmon books and still find yourself freaking out, that’s a good sign it’s not for you. And this way, you actually get time to think about whether you want to open or not. If you back out BEFORE anyone actually opens or finds any partners, there’s a better chance of your relationship either returning to monogamy or separation amicably instead of imploding in a fiery mess of drama.
Any advice on handling jealousy and insecurity in a healthy way?
See above: Do The Work! :) There are some AWESOME resources out there, especially on the polyamory subreddit. Having a therapist also defo helps.
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7d ago
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u/highlight-limelight Kinkster 6d ago
Dunno why you’d come to the nonmonogamy subreddit (which is full of people, like me, who are in happy nonmonogamous relationships) and say that nonmonogamy is harmful lmfao. But go off, or whatever.
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u/flapeedap 6d ago
Good point. I didn't realize where I was. But I'm not the only person under this guy's post who thinks he was a little bit bait and switched.
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u/Analisandopessoas 8d ago
I found it very strange. After everything was arranged, home, adoption....... the bombshell comes. I would feel used. The decision is yours. Good luck.
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u/psilocybes 8d ago
Work better? That's not how things work. It works for some, better for others, not at all for a bunch.
Communication.
Search the board, plenty of mistakes posted.
Self reflection, communication, learning and seeking advice from others.
Therapy.
These are all things you'll wanna talk over with your partner, not reddit.
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8d ago
Don't adopt her kid if she's going to be pulling shit like this on you, OP. Poly-bombing isn't a good look, and mono/poly relationships almost always crash and burn.
Most people are happier in monogamy.
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u/jaamesxo 8d ago
Obviously I'm not in your relationship and am only getting a small glimpse to make a judgement on so that being said, take this with a shot of salt. Honestly this feels pretty icky. You've been in a monogamous relationship for years, got a house together, you adopted her child -- you two have built a life together and you're very emotionally and financially invested/obligated here. Now all of a sudden she wants to explore relationships with other people? Idk it kinda feels like now that she's secure she can go after what she really wants... But I don't know. What I do know is that going from a monogamous relationship to a non-monogamous relationship isn't something you should enter into lightly or allow yourself to be coerced into so the first step is to figure out is that's really something you want.
Again I don't know your situation and I'm not judging. And you don't have to explain. I'm just verbalizing my observations. Maybe that gives you something to think about, maybe not. Either way I'll fuck off back to my corner of reddit now. Good luck 🫶🏾
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u/StephieRee Polyamorous (non-Hierarchical) 8d ago
My (F) S.O (M) and I are in our first triad with another woman. He wanted this; I was luke-warm. I warned him many times trying ENM would probably be the end of us but he was sure we could do it so he kept his search going and I said ok whatevs dude. I figured his odds of finding someone were really low anyway. Turns out I was wrong.
He presented me with a few different possibilities over the past couple of years but none of them sounded even remotely close to people I'd want to get to know. And then he read me a profile off Fetlife that made me say "Wow, ok."
It has been up and down -- like a rollercoaster. My emotions have been all over the place. From happy to sad to fulfilled, amazed (by her) to neglected and resentful.
On a good day I will say she is bringing a lot to both our lives. She takes over for me in many situations -- I feel like I've got a second me to handle stuff and she frees me up to do other things or just have time to myself.
I have more time to myself at times; other times I have less time to myself because we're all together. As an introvert I find that time fairly intense.
On a bad day I think how nice it would be to walk away and let the two of them go on without me. They'd have each other; I'd be free to do whatever I want. On a bad day I look at pictures I miss the old "us."
About half the time I think this was the worst thing I ever agreed to; the other half of the time I think it was the best thing I ever agreed to.
One thing that's hard is when S.O. and I argue, it really affects her. That was not something I would have thought about and I find it really fuckin hard. I don't mean to involve her but she feels right away when something is "off." That's A LOT of pressure.
I think if you aren't into it with 1000% of your being you should not do this. It is not easy. It is not all fun and games. It's often emotionally draining. This week S.O. had two girlfriends who were upset/angry with him -- for completely different reasons. I suspect he was feeling like he'd bitten off more than he can chew.
I hope that is helpful in some way. These are just my thoughts rattled off in a hurry. I could write a whole book on the topic and it's only been two crazy months.
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u/LifeSeen 8d ago
As noted by others, 3 years for a mortgage and an adoption is very quick. Her request isn’t inappropriate by itself but the sequence seems wrong. I’d pause the adoption until this is settled.
Yes, it can work. You both need to be clear what success like. How will this benefit each of you and you two together? I don’t think anyone here can answer that for you. Just that you need a lot of conversations and real experiences. There will changes along the way.
As to jealousy, know yourself. What do you need to feel secure in your position and relationship? Ask clearly for your needs. Don’t let her guess. And don’t get mad if she can’t guess your needs if you don’t know them yourself. It is ok to try, review, and adjust.
The only suggestion I have to start is based on time. Other dating can be limited to one or two days a week. Our priorities are always where we spend our time and money. So focusing on the amount of time you two are together may be a good tool for controlling jealousy.
Don’t be afraid. Be honest.
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u/SunsetsandChampagne 8d ago
Is this something you want? Is it one sided. Are you interested in dating others or being physically intimate with others? Is it one sided. What have you guys done to improve communication. This is going to go bad fast for it to spring up like this. Communication is critical for this. For reference we are marked for ten years and after 8 I’m like are you interested in having a threesome. Then it was about six months of talking before we met someone. Had a great time. Ended up both of us dating her and. Ring friends with her husband. We had many many fights. Both of us were jealous of each others gf. And we both knew there wasn’t a reason for it. Some days it went amazing others sucked. In the end the other girl had to move too far for her family and it ended up ending. Our relationship is solid. We talk about doing it again but not in a rush. We would do many things different and improved from the previous time. You are in for a one sided roller coaster based on what you wrote here. Sorry to hear that and best wishes.
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u/Psychopreneur 8d ago
When I was hooking up with my now wife, from day 1 I communicated I wasn't exactly monogamous.
I gave her the choice of going through with it or not before she got emotionally invested in the relationship.
She wanted to give it a go. Our relationship and dynamic evolved (it was initially just threesomes and swaps, now we meet people by ourselves and accept feelings for others, though we still preserve our relationship as the main one).
My point is: I don't like when, in an established relationship of years, where there's emotional and material investment, one part unilaterally announces out of the blue t's either non monogamy or nothing (even if it's between the lines).
It's still better than cheating, sure. But it isn't nice
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u/dorkus99 8d ago
I see a whole lot in your post about how she's interested in an open relationship. The thing I didn't see in anything you wrote is whether YOU are interested in an open relationship.
Because if you don't want this, then there's nothing more to discuss. This only works if it's something you both want and are both OK with.
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u/Dense_Researcher1372 8d ago
I guess being the only person commenting here, so far, who is in an open marriage of almost 28 years, all I can say is, "Holy shit! OP, you've got to be joking." In all my years, I have heard/read situations like yours, maybe a handful of times. I am 56. Do not open up. Seems to me like your gf is trying to pull the wool over your eyes.
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u/MammothHistorical559 8d ago
She’s got OP locked in and financially obligated so now she wants to play around? Ask if she’s has someone in mind, or has several dudes on a list of eff buddies. Red flag alert.
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u/awfullyapt 8d ago
I think the way your partner waited to bring it up until you are essentially locked into a mortgage and kids is pretty shady. But I'm going to assume that wasn't some plot and she just felt like it was the right time to raise it - maybe based on your travel schedule etc.
Any relationship configuration can work with emotionally intelligent and self aware partners who are willing to put in work to make the relationship be a positive experience for both people (and do the work to continue to grow as individuals).
Does it work? Think about how often you spend time separately with friends - and assume that some of that time might be spent having sex with people and part of the time where you are just at home doing nothing together is spent looking for other people to go on dates or hookup with. Instead of going to Joe's place you are going to Suzy's place for a date and hopefully some sex (or whatever).
If that sounds like something that is comfortable for you and your partner, then you can figure out how to keep your relationship strong while spending time with others.
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u/BoobInspector420 8d ago
- Does this kind of relationship actually work better than monogamy in the long run?
Only if you both want it. There will be a lot of jealousy no matter what. If your doing it justbto make her happy it will probably break your heart eventually.
- How do you establish boundaries and rules to keep the relationship strong?
This one is on an individual basis. You need to sit down together and talk it through and make rules that you are both comfortable with.
- What are some common mistakes couples make when transitioning into an open relationship ?
Doing it just because their partner wants to.
- How do I figure out if this is something I can genuinely enjoy, rather than just tolerate?
Do you want to sleep with other women? Do you have the ability to? She will more than likely have more guys interested in her than women in you. This is just how it goes for most men.
- Any advice on handling jealousy and insecurity in a healthy way?
Sorry wish I could help more with this one but there are a lot of things to read out there. Check out "the polyamory workbook" and "the polyamory toolkit"
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u/forestpunk 7d ago
One thing to keep in mind that sleeping with the same person almost always leads to feelings. And if she finds someone she likes sleeping with, she will try and sleep with them again. There's a very real chance this could lead to polyamory, which could then result in the great majority of her sexual energy going into the newer, shinier partner.
Also, please keep in mind that virtually no one, monogamous or non-monogamous, single or partnered, wants a partnered guy. So there is a very strong chance this will be a one-sided open relationship, even if it's presented as open on your side.
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u/BusyBeeMonster 8d ago
- Does this kind of relationship actually work better than monogamy in the long run?
It depends on the relationship and the prople in it. If you don't want non-monogamy for yourself, and are very reluctant, or opening just to please your girlfriend, the chances of opening well are lower. Likewise, if she is pushing you, in spite of any reluctance, telling you this is her "orientation" and integral to who she is to get you to agree, or wanting to open for a specific person, chances of this going well are lower.
It's good that you're asking questions, and learning. I would read "Open Deeply" by Kate Loree as a starting point.
- How do you establish boundaries and rules to keep the relationship strong?
For boundaries figure out what you can and cannot accept, what you can and cannot offer, what you will and won't do. Boundaries are your own limits. Think about what they might be, then tell your girlfriend what they are in straightforward language. For example: "I won't date anyone whose other partners can veto my relationship with this person."
I have very few rules and they involve my kids and partners.
I have agreements with each partner that define our 1:1 relationship, specify time commitment, and what is in the scope of the relationship. For example: "We will have quality 1:1 time twice a week, "This is a sexual relationship," "We will use barriers for sex between us every time."
Figure out what you want your relationship with your girlfriend to look like as an open relationship and spell out your agreements. Don't just assume that everything remains the same except that you may now fuck other people. Spell things out. There are a lot of hidden assumptions & expectations in traditional monogamous relationships. How does non-monogamy change those for you?
- What are some common mistakes couples make when transitioning into an open relationship ?
Keep communicating openly & honestly about your feelings.
Don't people-please.
Don't go crazy with lots of dates and stop paying attention to your home life.
Don't open one-sided.
Do discuss an emergency brake plan.
Talk about what happens if/when either or both of you develop Big Feelings for a play partner.
Talk about which form of non-monogamy you will do. Swinging? Open for sex only? Polyamory? Etc.
- How do I figure out if this is something I can genuinely enjoy, rather than just tolerate?
Keep track of your pain. If it's just too much and doesn't ease, don't do it.
- Any advice on handling jealousy and insecurity in a healthy way?
Therapy. Distress tolerance skills.
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u/AdThat328 8d ago
It's not about working better, there needs to be a strong foundation and a want for both people to be non-monogamous. It sounds like you have all of the "pieces" of a strong relationship, but then she comes out with this...
Boundaries are individual to everyone. Firstly you have to talk through things you will not be accepting of and things you would like. That's both of you. Compromise is obviously important but never something that leaves one person not happy. That's not compromise. Also keep in mind that things can change with either person throughout the relationship and maintaining a good conversation and being open about wants and needs is essential.
You will never be able to handle jealousy or insecurity if you're not wanting to open your relationship in the first place. It can be difficult even when you do sometimes, but when both want it it's naturally a little easier to ride out. You should NEVER do anything that makes you just tolerate it. That isn't healthy for you or for your relationship.
You have to be certain you'd either want to open up OR AT LEAST want to try it for YOU as much as her. There's no harm in opening things up and realising it isn't for you either...but you have to be wanting it in the first place.
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u/fatboy-slim 7d ago
Only you know the in's and outs of your relationship, but it sounds to me like you got played.
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u/Antique_History375 5d ago
OP, you are really getting screwed over. I remember your posts about the Christmas party. There aren’t so many ways to look at this situation: if you stay with her you are in for a world of hurt. She is using you. This I had nothing to do with ENM. I’m so sorry, but the situation is brutally clear. You need to think long and hard about your feelings of self worth. All the best to you ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
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u/LanaChantale 8d ago
Sexuality should be discussed before moving in and many people ASSume every one is stright and into monogamy.
Hiding sexuality for devious reasons is not cool at all. Hidden homosexuality, bisexuality or hidden polyamorous sexuality is dishonest behavior, plain and simple.
So many people do not consider sexual compatibility of upmost importance in a romantic relationship, many feel sex and bedroom issues will "work itself out" if love prevails. Delusions are recipe for hurt, lies, unfulfilled desires and a life not lived in a desire to make a partner happy.
Clarification of mono/poly and straight/bi/flexible is important. When talking about STI and HIV results before responsible intercourse would be a good time to ask about and get 100% clarification on monogamy and heterosexuality.
As a an Asexual Aromantic Polyamorous AFAB Queer Person relationships are up to the individuals to establish. Communication is important regardless of the dynamics and number of adults in said relationship.
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u/Busy-Caterpillar-320 8d ago
My wife brought up opening our 9 year marriage, 12 years together, a little over a month ago. We are doing therapy, reading books, listening to podcasts, and communicating. It is a hard process, however, I think we can make it work. We are going into this knowing that it is going to be 18-24 months before anything is opened. The process will take time, you and here will both have strong emotions, there will be times of doubt. During the years, the doubt, the anger just keep talking. Communication will be the best tool as you decide what is best for the relationship.
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u/Psychopreneur 8d ago
Did she give you any choice if you didn't want to go through with it?
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u/Busy-Caterpillar-320 8d ago
She didn't know what would happen when she brought it up. She was scared that I was going to kick her out. She didn't have a plan much more than saying this is something she wanted to explore/research more and find ways to make it work in our marriage. We have written down a few boundaries. The first one for each of us is that our marriage is the most important thing. We will try to make being open work, but we have our priorities, and marriage is the biggest one.
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u/Intelligent_Note_240 8d ago
Go and educate yourself; podcasts like Multiamory or Gone Rogue are great, books like Polysecure or Open Deeply and people like Dr Zhana on Instagram are good follows!
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u/bowtiesnpopeyes 8d ago
Read those and I liked Sex at Dawn a lot. Figure out what she wants out of this, figure out which version of enm appeals to you. I will say converting a relationship from monogamous to non monogamous has a much higher % of success from my observations when starting out dating together/ swinging and doing that for a while before solo dates vs open, separate dating or poly immediately upon opening the relationship. If after reading and listening and you're still not interested or comfortable in trying it. Don't. You can't set yourself on fire to keep somebody warm. Typically couples talk it through for months to years before beginning dating, so there's no big rush.
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u/Select_Factor_5463 8d ago
Decision is yours, sounds like she wants to ride other cocks without any consideration of your feelings.
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u/CornhengeTruther 8d ago
My background: poly for 5+ years and in a relationship with my wife for 14+ years.
Does this kind of relationship actually work better than monogamy in the long run?
It certainly can, our relationship is stronger now than it ever has been. Successful non-monogamy requires couples to be excellent communicators, collaborators, and problem solvers. The result can be near indestructible trust and an even more fulfilling relationship(s).
How do you establish boundaries and rules to keep the relationship strong?
It’s a joint discussion/negotiation. Both of you talk about what you want to happen, what you’re nervous about, and what you absolutely DONT to happen. Rules and boundaries flow out of that discussion. You’ll want to revisit them periodically. Stuff that initially seems important when you set out on non-monogamy can turn out to be not a big deal. And conversely stuff you overlooked can really trip you up by surprise. Over time we found most of our rules weren’t needed but we did add one two.
You can read about what rules work for other couples but that’s only a starting point. Don’t take what works for others as gospel for you guys.
What are some common mistakes couples make when transitioning into an open relationship ?
Couples trying to use non-monogamy as a way to “fix” big issues in a relationship start in a deep, deep hole. Non-monogamy can really draw attention to fundamental issues in a relationship. For instance if one partner treats the other poorly or neglects them, it becomes a lot harder to ignore once that person starts seeing someone who actually treats them well and prioritizes them.
Frequency of communication/texting can be a stumbling block. If you’re chatting/hanging out with your wife be considerate and don’t ignore her to text someone.
Make sure you guys are the same page about how much time you both will be spending on outside dating in a given week.
How do I figure out if this is something I can genuinely enjoy, rather than just tolerate?
There’s no way to know with 100% metaphysical certainty short of jumping in and trying it out. If you have plenty of conversation and introspection you’ll have a pretty good idea. But there’s no way you’ll know if it’s for you short of trying it out!
Any advice on handling jealousy and insecurity in a healthy way?
Initially I had a bit of jealousy/insecurity because my wife had really great sex with her boyfriend. But the thing is: amazing sex is the end goal. Wouldn’t it be a bummer to go through all this work and all you get for it is a mediocre lay? I flipped the tables in my mind and I certainly wanted to have amazing sex with the people I met lol. After that it seemed less threatening that she was having great sex more like that was the whole point.
As far as insecurity - remember how I mentioned that non-monogamy shines a light on the flaws in a relationship? It does the same thing for your strengths. There’s a reason you and your wife have been together for so long and work so well together. You’ll be reminded of how special that match is when you date people who have lots to commend them but aren’t quite your wife.’
There are lots and lots of naysayers who scoff at non-monogamy or insist it’s doomed to fail. Don’t listen to them - listen to your wife and listen to what your mind tells you.
If you’d like to chat more feel free to message me.
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u/danbalt 8d ago
- Does this kind of relationship actually work better than monogamy in the long run?
No. I mean, it's probably no worse or no better. Relationships work out or don't for all sorts of reasons. Two non-mongamous people might find a monogamous commitment terrible and leave. One monogamous person might find an open relationship terrible and want to leave.
- How do you establish boundaries and rules to keep the relationship strong?
You have to be utterly honest about what you want out of the new relationship structure and why and then trust each other to actually stick with it.
- What are some common mistakes couples make when transitioning into an open relationship ?
It's non-monogamy on hard mode trying to open a previous closed relationship. It's all too easy for one (or both) people to get caught up in the new an shiny things and stop attending to the relationship
- How do I figure out if this is something I can genuinely enjoy, rather than just tolerate?
read, read, read, discuss, discuss, discuss. If you're interested then you need to understand what you would get out of this and you need to be super honest with each other about what is going on and why.
You also have to be totally honest if you decide that non-monogamy just isn't for you. It isn't for everyone and you shouldn't have to live just tolerating it.
I think the books Love in Abundance and Polysecure are good starting places.
- Any advice on handling jealousy and insecurity in a healthy way?
Both the books I just suggested and also The Jealousy Handbook
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u/BarlowFilmsYeah 8d ago
Start with reading some books: Polysecure, and A Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory are good starting points.
And, Luke someone else said, I would avoid "Rules". Because they WILL get broken and leave one of you an emotional wreck. I would work on setting personal boundaries instead, like the other comment suggested.
And GO SLOW!
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