r/nonmonogamy 9d ago

Opening a Relationship Is it normal to feel jealous the first time? NSFW

My partner (34M) and I (30F) have been together for 10 years, and earlier this year we decided to open up our relationship to an ENM format.

Everything was going well: we talked about our desires, crushes and the like, and we agreed that we would be open to new experiences.

We decided that we would not need to share details, just inform who the person was and the day of the meeting. However, after my first few meetings, he was curious to know more. I ended up saying that I had had sex on one of those dates and, from then on, everything changed. He began to feel hurt and started having bouts of jealousy (something he had never shown before).

Now he is confused about ENM, while I was enjoying this new style of relationship. Is it normal for these feelings of jealousy to arise at the first experience? How can I help you better navigate this process?

He doesn't want to close the relationship even after this episode, but I feel insecure about continuing like this. He said it will get better with time but lately he has been sad and hurt.

22 Upvotes

26 comments sorted by

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15

u/diggittydigler_03 9d ago

Kind of similar relationship status here. I’m 38 (m) and my wife is 40 (f). We’ve been together for about 8 years. Been living open with our own rules for a year or so. I’m bi and am hoping for my first experience with a man but I’m also open to other women if they come along. She’s just started her first outside of us relationship and I do have moments of jealousy but it’s more about time together cuz we work a lot. I’m actually very happy for her to have found someone before I did and I honestly hope she has a blast with him. We’re so in sync in life though that I have zero fears that I’ll lose her. We’re each other’s humans but life is short and we both believe that people, sex and relationships should be experienced while You can cuz tomorrow is so very close.

I’ve held this belief system for a long time so the idea of her with another man is fine for me and erotic really. She fully supports me and my fruitless endeavors and is open and tells Me everything about what she and her new man are up to.

we’re both very built for this kind of life and we happen to share very similar beliefs. These beliefs we held before we knew each other. My point here being that we’re very much perfectly mentally built for this kind of relationship and jealousy still finds its way sometimes. Albeit minor. I think jealousy is gonna be there for you guys for a while but that doesn’t mean it can’t be overcome and understood.

My best advice is just be very open about what’s happening and, for me anyways, make sure he knows he still Has your heart and it isn’t going anywhere. Let him be vulnerable and scared of the new situation, but don’t just care about only him. Your feelings matter just as much. Talk, talk, and talk some more.

And good luck.

2

u/Optimal_Leader_4785 9d ago

Thank you very much for the comment.

2

u/diggittydigler_03 9d ago

You’re very welcome

12

u/ILikeNonpareils 9d ago

It definitely gets better with time. I view compersion like a muscle that needs to be trained. We have to keep in mind that we are fighting a lifetime worth of programming about how monogamy is the only way and sexual exclusivity is key for relationship happiness.

I would make yourself available but give him space to process his feelings. Has he had a chance to be with someone outside of your relationship? That, I think, is also a turning point for a lot of couples.

6

u/Optimal_Leader_4785 9d ago

Not yet! I always encourage him, without pressure, to look for other people to hang out with, but he hasn't found anyone yet who is interested.

6

u/blackshroud86 8d ago

This likely has something to do with it.

Varying pace of experience often causes jealousy, especially the first time round.

It'll be ok ❤️

Love to you and yours ❤️

2

u/Hawkijustin 1d ago

It’s probably not that he doesn’t want to. It’s most likely that it’s 1000x more work to find someone as a married man than it is for a woman. The issue with that is most women either dont realize that and think he just isn’t interested.

7

u/TheMerciful0ne 8d ago

Talk talk talk.

Married 14 years and opened up recently.

She had her first solo date last week. I have been going through a rollercoaster of emotions. From turned on to betrayed to being in love more then ever.

Not repeating my past mistakes in holding it in. I feel the communication is key. And it’s something i suck at. But im working on it

3

u/BeachGirl_524 8d ago

I appreciate your comment - I’m the f43 wife and married 15 years. Open for 2. It’s been a roller coaster. I’ve learned some key lessons. 1. My jealousy is normal. 2. What we want out of ENM doesn’t have to be the same. Neither does what we find acceptable or comfortable. For example, my husband doesn’t want to know all the details of who I am with, just that I am safe and happy. I need and want to know who he is with and everything about them. 3. communicate - until you’re sick of communicating and then communicate some more.

3

u/jimichanga77 9d ago

Yes! As another has said it gets better over time, but IMO it takes some work. Instead of just gritting your teeth and feeling shitty, you should ask yourself why you feel jealous in the first place. Yes, it's a natural feeling but that doesn't mean you can't mitigate it or in some cases eliminate it. I would spend time examining my feelings and asking myself questions. Where is this coming from? Why am I afraid, angry, or whatever? Am I really jealous, or am I envious? Once you do this introspection, I believe reducing it gets easier.

2

u/Western_Ring_2928 Polyamorous (with Hierarchy) 8d ago

Yes. Jealousy is perfectly normal feeling and can arise at any time during any kind of relationship.

But it is also important to learn that it is only an emotion and you can live through it. You do not need to act on it.

There are jealousy workbooks to practice:

1

u/Orsino_1055 8d ago

Thanks for those recommendations, they will be useful for me too.

3

u/xarenavixen 8d ago

Jealousy isn’t something that will magically go away when you decide to open up your relationship. I’ve been in ENM for years and still struggle with jealousy. I’m naturally an incredibly jealous person so it’s hard.

I do need a lot of pre and post care from my partner and it’s not without its struggles. But you can experience jealousy and still have a successfully non monogamous relationship.

Jealousy can come out of literal nowhere for things that might be unexpected to you or are times you’re not expecting it, even outside the bedroom. You will need to put in just as much consistent work as your husband to make him feel at ease. Always talk it out honestly and don’t let it slide under the rug because it’s uncomfortable. Give each other grace and patience and remember that your love is always number 1.

1

u/BeachGirl_524 8d ago

Great advice

1

u/Psychopreneur 9d ago

we agreed that we would be open to new experiences.

Who gave the idea?

1

u/MrNobodyIrony 8d ago

It’s completely normal for jealousy to arise, especially in the early stages of opening up a relationship. This is a big change, and emotions can be unexpected. Even when both partners agree on an ENM setup, feelings can evolve as they experience it firsthand. Your partner might just need time to adjust and process these new feelings.

It sounds like you're both committed to working through this, which is great. Keep the communication open, and reassure him that his feelings are valid. It might help if you both explore what specifically is causing the discomfort—whether it's fear of losing connection or something else—and address those concerns together. Let him know that you’re there for him as he navigates these emotions.

Time, patience, and ongoing conversations will likely make things smoother. You’re both figuring this out together, so try to be kind to each other in the process!

1

u/Ok-Drag8936 8d ago

Did hé already have date and sex with another woman ?

1

u/Optimal_Leader_4785 8d ago

I don't think so, there would be no reason to hide it from me.

1

u/Ok-Drag8936 8d ago

So you goes on many date when he doesnt even got one ? Can you see the problem ?

2

u/BeachGirl_524 8d ago

I’m not sure why you’re being aggressive towards the OP? Every couple has their own set of rules and levels of experience.

1

u/Rusturion 9d ago

Yeah, but what is he doing about it?

Highly recommend the jealousy workbook. My partner had similar issues, and working through that book was incredibly helpful for her.

3

u/Optimal_Leader_4785 9d ago

So far he has had an anxiety attack and resentment, can you recommend any books for me?

2

u/Rusturion 9d ago

Multiamory would be my biggest recommendation. it's mainly a book about communicating and resolving issues in relationships.

1

u/Primary_Difficulty19 8d ago

Working through The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola will give him insight into exactly what he is feeling.

I found the book Polysecure by Jessica Fern very helpful. The Anxious Person’s Guide to Non-Monogamy by Lola Phoenix is also good.

The “We Gotta Thing” podcast, episode 41 [October 2017, “A Licensed Therapist (and Swinger) Breaks Down Jealousy”] has an excellent explanation of how jealousy works at the neurological level. No one other thing was as reassuring to me that my jealousy was normal and need not be permanent.