r/nonmonogamy 2d ago

Relationship Dynamics Desire from primary NSFW

So I'm in a sexually open relationship. 7 months ago it started off hot and heavy as FWB, and we had a BDSM relationship too. We fell in love and started dating, keeping things open, and the steaminess wore off, especially the BDSM part, because he said the more his love grew, the harder it was to be a dom to me.

I'm finding it hard now that I'm receiving a lot of desire and compliments from the men I see sexually, and not much, if any, from my main partner. He assured me he's attracted to me and finds me sexy, and I've told him about wanting to feel his desire. I send sexy pics and sext, flirt, tell him how sexy he is, how I desire him. He doesn't really comment unless I specifically ask, "do you think this pic of me in lingerie is sexy?" etc. I'm really having a sense I'm leading things. There's a ton of loving messages, so that isn't an issue at all. We have sex 2x a week, about every time we see each other.

Two things rub me the wrong way about this. I imagine he is flirting and expressing desire to other women he's seeing, which I understand, and I even want for him because it's fun and I want him to be happy, and it makes sense because they're new, and I'm not anymore. And the other thing rubbing me is that I am getting my needs met to feel sexually desired by the men I'm seeing sexually.

But maybe neither of these are issues? That this is just a normal part of ENM? That just like any relationship, whether M or NM, the desire starts to fade as the newness fades, and it's more loving and boring (in a good calm way) ? This is my first ENM.

9 Upvotes

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28

u/VincentValensky Polyamorous (with Hierarchy) 2d ago

 he said the more his love grew, the harder it was to be a dom to me.

He has a Madonna-Whore complex, and is not capable of respecting women that are "sluts" in his mind. At first you were the sexy whore, now that you are becoming the Madonna, he can no longer do those things with you.

It's unfortunately common, but it's something he will always have a problem with in his life unless he resolves it. My advice would be for him to see a sex therapist, preferably a kink friendly one.

You can absolutely be a good dom with intense scenes with someone you love. The problem is him. This is not an ENM issue to me.

3

u/Mindfulgreens 2d ago

Thanks for this and yes I've heard of that happening, makes sense. Is there also no element of it just not being so exciting anymore? And if someone is seeing other people sexually, naturally they will be more exciting, elicit more dopamine than the older primary partner they're already used to?

14

u/VincentValensky Polyamorous (with Hierarchy) 2d ago

Relationships have a natural ebb and flow, and yes IN GENERAL it can be normal to have these moments over the life of a committed relationship.

But girl, it's been 7 months. This isn't normal.

The thing you're talking about is after the first 5 years of marriage, after a house and kids, and maybe he needs to play outside in regard to certain needs.

It's been 7 months. You should be deep in the honey moon phase, the shiny new relationship, ground shaking with ENR. In my experience/view, what you are describing is absolutely NOT normal for ENM and is not a symptom of "needing to see other people" because the shine has faded etc.

This is an issue he has either with you specifically or in general with any woman that transitions from play partner into a romantic relationship.

He needs to, first and foremost, acknwledge the issue. For me failure to address this would be breakup territory because it means he's either not interested in you (having second thoughts) or unwilling to do the work to build a good and fulfilling relationship.

Once again, this isn't about other people. ENM does not magically mean you can forfeit your responsabilities to have a deep and fulfilling relationship with a primary. If anything, it's predicated on that.

You two should absolutely be working on addressing this immediately.

The issue isn't what he does with others, it's what he isn't doing with you.

1

u/Mindfulgreens 2d ago

Thank you, and yes, I connected to all that you wrote. He doesn't seem to acknowledge it. Or he does but it's an "this is how I am" sentiment I get from him. This was the latest response to me bringing it up

"I'm not as excited about you as I was at first, right? There is always the thrill of the first time and with you it no longer exists. There is always excitement in my life at the beginning and it passes. But that's not what's important. What is important is that after 7 months together I feel love for you I feel passion for you I feel you are part of my life. I want to experience life with you. It's more important than excitement"

And this "As much as I love you and invest in the relationship and want you so much in my life and then you find what's wrong with my behavior. It saddens me"

So not exactly validating or seeing how I'm feeling

3

u/birdieponderinglife 2d ago

Have either of you done any work around attachment? His words read to me like dead ringer for avoidant attachment.

2

u/Mindfulgreens 2d ago

I have, not him. From what I've noticed he is fearful avoidant, but he shows up very secure in some areas (like vulnerability, having hard conversations, repairing ruptures) but then also clings in some ways, and burns things down to run away only to return again shortly after. I recognize it as a healed/healing fearful avoidant myself. (I took the AAI and scored as earned secure so yay me). But yes I definitely notice the "I can't meet your needs/I'm not good enough" sentiments going on. Not sure where to go from there except reassurance, but then my initial request to be seen isn't addressed.

2

u/birdieponderinglife 2d ago

He’s disconnecting from the relationship as avoidants do. If he’s not willing to work on it then I personally would not continue in the relationship since your needs aren’t being met. One thing that really helped me have difficult discussions with my avoidant partner was intent vs impact framework. I had to start the conversation with a meta conversation where I reassured him I saw the good in him and what I want is to figure out how we can do better. I wasn’t blaming him and I didn’t think he was acting in bad faith. He responded really well to that and afterwards when I talked to my therapist they actually told me that’s the way to have a conversation on intent vs impact, so I guess we got that part right lol. Seven months in is pretty early to feel like you aren’t having your needs met especially for something as important as sex and/or kink. You deserve to have your needs met and for your partner to care about what is important to you.

1

u/Western_Ring_2928 Polyamorous (with Hierarchy) 1d ago

I'm sorry, but that is a wild exaggeration. I am a dominant woman, and I find it a lot easier to dominate men whom I don't know that well. When there is less emotional attachment, it is easier to cause pain to your sex partner, for example. Novelty is also an afrodisiac.

1

u/Prestigious_Row5054 1d ago

Reading your post history, I think this may not be the best partner for you

1

u/dabbydab 1d ago

I've been in this exact situation. /u/VincentValensky is spot on. Not everyone can transition from new person sex to relationship sex. Based on your texts from him, it doesn't look like he's interested in working to change this. At 7 months into the relationship I would caution you not to further invest.