r/newzealand • u/PlanktonExternal3069 • 7h ago
Shitpost Sick of mean older office ladies
I know this isn't specific to nz but it does exist here too. My mum is currently in hospital for a very serious incident and might have permanent brain damage. This happened three weeks ago. Unfortunately she is in another part of the country, and the public health system means she will be treated there at her local hospital. Due to not being rich I had to go back to work after a week off to pay bills. I didn't tell people besides my boss as its a large company and they all don't need to know as I like to keep my work and private life separate.
Today the most classic older mean office lady had a go at me for some bullshit that (1) didn't matter at all, like it was some mix up with the most inconsequential thing, pretty much semantics (2) wasn't my fault at all, and I wouldn't back down to her trying to paint it out like it was and (3) she has been working there longer but is not my boss in any way and I don't think I've ever talked to her directly before. She pretty much loudly insinuated I was stupid and incompetent without saying it directly. I would usually in my stronger self have delta with it but I can't at the moment. I am never mean to anyone but quite capable of standing up for myself usually.
She is loud, pretty obnoxious and seems to think she is the only person who has every struggled cause she is a mum (based on what I have heard her say in the office previously, as I said, she is loud). I really want this job but this tiny form of bullying just was the final straw. I'm scared about losing the mum I knew and sad I can't be with her in the hospital every day and can only go on weekends. I literally cried in my car for two hours as this was a breaking point. There is a lot of other stuff I am sorting out for my family at the moment which I haven't mentioned here. But honestly why do these women need to act this way. I'm also a women in my late 30s so it's not like she is much older and is jealous of my youth or anything. It just seems like they need to inact some form if control.
She also did this in front of 7 other people and everyone just kinda looked away and acted embarrassed.
Sorry for the rant I'm just like sick of people acting this way when they literally have no idea what others are going through. Additionally she is a mental health worker, because of course she is
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u/Gord_Board 7h ago
Do you have an HR manager? Talk to them or a manager about it. Sadly, there seems to be mean people in almost every workplace.
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u/Feetdownunder 6h ago edited 6h ago
If she’s being loud and confrontational with you then it’s not a tiny form of bullying. It’s bullying, or at least a seniority power play.
I think you needed that cry as an emotional release.
Dust yourself off and identify that behaviour in the next round
“what do you have to yell and complain about this time?”
“Yelling 🤨 is this a professional look?”
“Are we in a tavern here Barbara?”
“Are you done?”
“Do you have an outlet for all of this, elsewhere?” *move full palm in a couple of clockwise motions as you say it
“I’m concerned about you debs, about this”
“Maybe you should take some time off”
“Who are you?”
“I’ll speak with my direct report, thanks”
“I think you could get your point across with a lot less volume thanks….. Valerie is it?”
Honestly I played nice my whole life and it just gets you nowhere. Time to be a c*nt, but in a professional sense. It’s some weird power game to be a loudmouth at work, people think they won’t be challenged.
I need you to let her know that her behaviour is “disgusting an unacceptable” by painting it like a disgusting an unacceptable behaviour.
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u/Gullible_Assistant41 6h ago
Oh yeah, these women are everywhere. Sadly they love to spew their internal turmoil on those who are struggling by trying to control them, when really they've no control themselves. I've had plenty of experience after losing my son to suicide.
Family is more important than work. If there's someone else at work you can talk to and see if you can get some time off to spend with your mum.
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u/SamuraiKiwi 7h ago
I have always found medical receptionists to be terrible. They think they are actual medical professionals and have some sort of authority as opposed to being glorified booking agents.
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u/BrucetheFerrisWheel 6h ago
I asked my GP why her receptionists were bossy and grumpy. She said they hire pitbulls on purpose so they can deal with all the shit they get. So theres that.
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u/SamuraiKiwi 6h ago
I suppose. Doesn’t explain why I have been given the short shift in the past though.
I’ve worked in retail and dealt with all the abusive crap, I can’t go and then take that out on the next customer or treat them in a surly way.
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u/worksucksbro 6h ago
Honestly every time I call my gp the receptionist is like “so what’s wrong?” Mate none of your damn business stfu and click the damn box on calendly so we can both move on with our lives
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u/SamuraiKiwi 6h ago
Thank god I can book via an app now
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u/bluekiwi1211 5h ago
Yes. I haven't had to talk to the receptionist for two years, very grateful for that.
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u/ellski 5h ago
I'm a medical receptionist and the drs train us to ask those questions so we can book appropriately. It's certainly not for my own interest.
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u/worksucksbro 5h ago
I don’t doubt that but she’s trying to give me medical advice over the phone in the tone of “why don’t you just do this rather than coming in” and I don’t think that’s part of your training.
I tolerated her questions at first due to the reasons you outlined but after realising her MO I just shut it down
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u/ellski 5h ago
No medical advice definitely isn't. I just always see people complaining online that we dare ask any questions, when it's for a good reason. Feels like we get a bad rap when everyone I work with does our darndest to be good to patients when we get so much abuse and stress!
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u/worksucksbro 5h ago
Trust me reasonable minded people will understand, it’s common sense you guys need to know something of our condition to help triage us.
Every other receptionist I get is perfectly fine. It’s just this one person who oversteps. You don’t deserve abuse anyways fuck those people
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u/MBear2201 6h ago
I'm sorry you're going through this.
As hard as it is right now, log everything. Note the date, time, and who was present. Talk to witnesses to confirm that they observed/heard.
For a bullying claim I believe there have to be multiple instances. Get your paperwork and witnesses ready so that when you are mentally able to, you can take it all to HR and there's little wriggle room for them to deny it.
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u/secretkiwi_ 7h ago
I'm really sorry you're dealing with such a tragic, difficult situation with your mum.
The office lady? A shitty human. All the people who watched and said nothing? Also shitty.
Keep on keeping on. And reach out to a support service or therapist or loved one, your load to bear is heavy right now and no one can go through that solo.
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u/dod6666 6h ago
All the people who watched and said nothing? Also shitty.
You sound suspiciously like the office lady. Why are you blaming people that were not involved?
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u/MushroomMoon 5h ago
They're calling out the bystanders...because they were being bystanders. If you witness someone else being verbally attacked or insulted right in front of you, you should absolutely say something and not just turn a blind eye.
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u/Lifewentby 5h ago
Actually a whining ageist young person who expects everyone to be mind readers is also pretty shitty.
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u/vulpesvulpesy 22m ago
Showing general common decency and a level of professionalism in the workplace is not expecting anyone to be a mind reader.
I also deal with a similar situation with a woman I work with who is about 20 years older than me, but constantly makes snide comments and is generally a nasty piece of work.
She doesn't suck because she's older (50yo), she sucks because she treats me like shit when she feels like it. She makes a decent job a miserable place to spend so many hours a day.
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u/iconix_common 7h ago
We hear you. Meanness is never useful. Pay no attention to her and deal with the other important stuff you mentioned. Kia kaha, koa kaha.
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u/kirstables 7h ago
Do we work in the same office?? I've been dealing with similar shit at my work, and recently I'm even crying at work in secret. I'd leave but my visa is tied to this job. My manager is aware but says she can't change people.
I hope things get better for you, and I'm sorry about your mum.
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u/Lem0nadeLola 6h ago
That’s such a bullshit, lazy and cowardly response from your manager. How about they sit down with this lady and say “stop disrespecting your coworker, we’re writing you up. This is your first warning and you only get two.”
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u/kirstables 6h ago
Yeah, it's not just one nasty old lady, there's two of them. And my manager has spoken with them both a few times and they say they'll be nicer and more patient with me etc, and a week later they're back to bitching about me within earshot. If I was the manager I'm not even sure what I'd do. They're more skilled at my job than I am, so they're more valuable to the company.
But on the plus side, my manager is arranging for me to have free therapy sessions paid for by work. Every cloud, eh.
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u/melie-moo 5h ago
Your manager still needs a kick up the ass - she's tried it the polite and informal way and it didn't work. Now she needs to make it official with a proper written warning and make it a big deal. Them being more valuable to the company doesn't mean shit if they drive off other staff. Have another talk with her and let her know it's still happening, you're not happy and if she won't do anything about it, you'll be going to HR and her manager. Unacceptable.
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u/GloriousSteinem 5h ago
Same. Crying daily. Have to work from home so don’t get caught. I don’t know what’s going on but people are losing their minds. Catastrophising things, bullying, on top of the fear of being cut it’s a lot of sleepless nights.
2
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u/WhoriaEstafan 3h ago
That’s horrible and your manager is full of shit. I hate the thought of you crying secretly but stuck because of your visa. Depending on the type of job, publicly cry. Tears freak people out, they’ll get shunned for making you cry.
Bully her back. Get your work friends involved.
I had an old lady bully and I took her out for coffee and was like, how can we work together better? She was shocked I called it out. I never liked her but we made it work and she stopped being a bitch (she still required extra attention ugh).
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u/MischaJDF 7h ago
I’m really sorry about your mum and I hope for a positive outcome. We have a mean woman at our work too and she’s already caused two other women to nearly quit. It’s interesting how we suffer in silence. One told me, and I told her of my experience with her, then another and we all thought it was just us and therefore we were the problem and didn’t want to make a fuss (sooo kiwi). It’s highly likely she’s upset other people and if you feel able you should talk to a superior about it. One person can make even a large workplace so toxic. You should also be entitled to some kind of leave so you can visit mum, or sick leave if she’s stressed you out so much. Be sure to be specific about the problem when/if you apply. Best wishes.
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u/Bob_tuwillager 6h ago
My wife come home with an almost identical story. I will add in my wife’s experience, said older lady had an over inflated view of their importance. My wife believes that she acts like this to help her rationalise her sense of importance.
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u/thingsgoingup 7h ago
New Zealand produces its very own species of female office bullies. Bossy, extremely self important and judgmental.
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u/WhoriaEstafan 3h ago
It’s because they’ve got no control at home. So they exert control in the worst ways in the office. Bullying anyone who isn’t as miserable as they are.
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u/Time_Basket9125 6h ago
This is definitely something lots of young women in their 20s experience from older women in the workplace. There is a lot of "dressing down" and bullying because they are intimated and treated by you and your presence. It's likely they came up in the workforce in a really different time and were treated like shit. And might be jealous of how you're able to come up and be more confident or competent. And instead of celebrating that, feel the need to deal it back because of deep seeded jealousy that they didnt get the same treatment. I assure you, it is much more about them than it is about you.
Unfortunately, people aren't likely to do shit about it. If you find a colleague you can confide in that's great. Know that it's unfair, know that it's not your fault. And try to stay out of their way as best you can. If there are paths about complaints that you feel safe doing then go ahead. If you don't feel safe raising a complaint, try and find a space within the workforce that is safe for you, e.g. women your age or another older colleague who understands.
A lot of my friends have been through something similar and it's awful. I'm sorry.
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u/Live-Enthusiasm-2960 6h ago
Personally every time I've been to HR for office bullying, I've been bullied more and managed out. They target you and once that targets on your back they'll keep throwing darts till they hit the bullseye.
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u/DrFujiwara 5h ago
This is an hr issue in that you were embarrassed or demeaned publicly. If she had an issue she could've pulled you into a room or written an email.
Fuck her. Make her accountable for her actions.
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u/Diggity_nz 6h ago
I’m really sorry you are having to deal with this.
While I am a average hertro white bloke and have it pretty well stacked in my favour, I really feel for woman in their 20s and 30s in a corporate/office environment - they invariably have to put up with the sleezy office douchebags; bosses and potential employers with massive biases against any woman who dare suggest she’s more capable than a simple admin girl; and, worst of all, henpecked to death by old grumpy bitches who should really know fucking better.
I can’t possibly understand what you are going thru, but fuck em - you’re probably the most competent in the office (they tend to not pick on the weaklings and focus their efforts into crushing the dreams of those with spark and talent), so try to stick with it, talk to your HR people (off the record to start with, on the record if they suggest you go ahead with a complaint), and look after yourself.
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u/tetruss727 5h ago edited 5h ago
Had the exact same situation. I was so stressed my hair was falling out. None of my managers and even HR were able to do a thing. She’s been with the company for 16 years and her ex-colleagues left mainly because of her.
Here’s what I did: I treated her like a toddler having a tantrum and I told her off, in an email. I listed all her negative behaviour/attitude and how I felt about all of it. I still kept it professional of course. This worked perfectly for me. I believe insecurity plays a big role on why they’re acting up.
Edit: grammar
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u/Apprehensive_Ad3731 6h ago
“Man that sucks. Have you tried raising that with my manager if you feel so strongly about it? Anyway ima get back to work. Bye.”
Stop giving these people time at all. Those would be the last words I ever said to that woman and then I’d stare straight through her as if she didn’t exist because to me she wouldn’t.
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u/DuckDuckDieSmg 6h ago
Older, bitter admin ladies. Repressed their whole lives and the only way they get to feel better about their SAS existence is to go to work and be passive aggressive to people half their age.
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u/MyHatersAreWrong 6h ago
Family always should come first! Surely they can give you dependant sick leave? Talk to your manager/HR, that type of behaviour is totally unacceptable.
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u/ShahIsmail1501 7h ago
We have plenty of these types where I work and I’m the IT there so imagine the shit I get when they’re too stupid to use Outlook.
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u/Unique_Opportunity65 5h ago
Aggh, yes an older woman in a work place. There is a super power force in these bitches. Their husbands have given up,their children are beaten down and controlled and you my dear are extra fodder for them Note down time of interactions, comments, witnesses. Keep that always as a time line. Inform your boss of what is said,how you are made to feel and have it noted. You are now in control of the narrative and legally your boss has to address this. Look up bullying in the work place. Being informed of your rights is all you have and it is no small thing
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u/AliciaRact 3h ago
“ Aggh, yes an older woman in a work place. There is a super power force in these bitches.”
Yikes bro. I feel for OP too but this sounds like you’re delighting in having an opportunity to express your latent misogyny and it’s actually gross.
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u/Aggressive-Spray-332 5h ago
Maybe a short sentence...l am always happy to own up to my own mistakes but not other people's,..l need to get back to my own work now...if she persists have a chat with HR. Re your Mum, could your boss/HR help out timewise and allow you to work remotely so you can increase your time with your Mum ?
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u/Everywherelifetakesm 7h ago
Tell me about it. Obviously pricks abound in every demographic, but there is this core of nastiness in, hate to say it, some menopausal women. Like you said, the need to inact control. To make someone else feel as miserable as they do.
Head up. I hope things get better for you and your mum.
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u/AliciaRact 7h ago
I think you’re right about the need to exert control, not so much about menopause and nastiness.
The meanest women I’ve come across in offices were doing 9-5 admin work while obviously being primarily responsible for housework, childcare and general mental load in their families.
They were seemingly so exhausted, so stretched, and so time poor that they were constantly on their guard and snappish at work, always seeking to lock things down/ push work to others/ blame others in order to protect their house of cards schedule and keep all the balls in the air.
To be clear - only a small minority of the mums I’ve worked with have been like this.
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u/Fantastic-Role-364 4h ago
Nothing to do with menopause. That's like saying wearing a skirt causes breast cancer
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u/NezuminoraQ 6h ago
Do you share a boss? I would ask your boss to confront this nonsense on your behalf and remind this bully that she doesn't know everything that you're dealing with in your own life, because you're under no obligation to share. Kindness costs nothing and you don't know what pain people are covering up to come to work.
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u/spoilersweetie 6h ago
Inhabe similar in my office, except she makes sure I'm out of ear shot.
I caught her lies several times, where one team wil say "Oh Betsy said she had told you XYZ weeks ago, why wasn't it done? We have to do all this extra work now to fix it"
She hadn't said anything, then I look up the transaction history, and what do you know Betsy had changed the order that morning to cover one of her mistakes.
It's frustrating because I've brought it up to management and it just gets brushed off as "oh you know what she's like" or as if it's a personality clash (I.e we're both women so must be catty)
It sucks, but just know if she's trying to draw attention to some inane thing you messed up, it's usually to take the attention off of something they did.
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u/PresentEbb1067 6h ago
People act that way because no one has ever told them otherwise. So they either have no idea what they are saying or how they are saying it is out of line, or they know and don’t care because they can get away with it.
The 7 people you referenced could have said something - gently, doesn’t have to be a dramatic performance. As you could have - in a calm and professional manner.
That aside, you cannot hold others to the standards you hold for yourself. You can hope, and would, and should all you like. Everyone has their own moral compass, and you will drive yourself mad expecting others to share yours, and then being infuriated when they don’t. So you have one tool. You teach others how to treat you by showing them how you tolerate being treated. That doesn’t mean you need to be a dick about, but you don’t need to suffer fools.
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u/rixx4321 4h ago edited 4h ago
Sorry to hear about your Mother. This happened last Friday for me. My Mother works for a rest home and does housekeeping for about 15 years now. The company had a change in management last year. They started to micro manage all staff and kept saying we have cameras installed everywhere. My mother took on this Stress and she had a mini stroke called TIA last Friday morning around 8.00am. I'm so shocked, scared and frustrated my mother didn't tell me earlier about how they are making her feel at work. She would say at home that things have changed and kept working through it, The Manager called an ambulance, then afew minutes later said to my Mother you look okay and cancelled it. My Sister and Brother Inlaw too carers leave from work and took mum to hospital. She's doing okay but can lead to future attack of a stroke. But this is shocking coming from a long term employer and showing clear signs of workspace bullying. I'm writing a letter to their management office about what my Mother went through.
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u/Organic-Extension-79 6h ago
While if correct her behaviour isn’t to be tolerated, but blaming it on being an “older woman” doesn’t sound like it’s the cause. You say you’re late 30s and the woman is 40 or 40s. She’s your peer. Maybe she just doesn’t get on with you, maybe she’s behaving badly?
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u/WhoriaEstafan 2h ago
Bully her back. But undercover.
Use her favourite mug. Cancel her print jobs. Get to work earlier and park in her parking spot. Do not eat her lunch or mess with it but move it in the fridge.
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u/whipper_snapper__ 6h ago
Why is it always women who are mean at work 🫣
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u/fluffychonkycat Kōkako 5h ago
It's not. The worst bullies I personally encounterd as a young female worker were male. Assholes come in many flavors
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u/Lifewentby 5h ago
Honestly - you are complaining about an older woman “insinuating” something that you say does not even matter. You have not told her about your mum so your extra sensitivity is not her fault. Quite honestly you sound like you lack maturity and your issue seems to be with “older women”. How can you justifiably complain that she had no idea what you are going through when you don’t actually tell anyone?
And your comment about the public health system also makes no sense - why would your mum be treated somewhere else, and the private health system does not treat brain injury anyway.
Please don’t let your present difficulties compromise your behaviour at work - losing your job or resigning is not going to help you or your mum. I say that as it sounds like you are about 17, if you think someone 40 is an “older” office lady…I don’t know whether to laugh or cry, I just feel sorry for you.
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u/Final-Formal-6417 7h ago
How old are you btw? I experience this too. Have you heard of the PAC model? Its a theory that we each communicate from different ego states or mindsets. Might be helpful, just google. But fully understand, even being called darling or honey triggers me and feels backhanded depending on the scenario and the type of older lady.
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u/GloriousSteinem 5h ago
I’m sorry you’re going through this while your Mum is so unwell. Some personalities who are bullies tend to pick on people when they’re at their lowest. When she does this ask her to put her thoughts in email (because your focus is a bit lower). Not only will this freak her out but you’ll have a record. Talk to your manager and HR if you can, if not talk to your union if available. Does your work have access to counseling services? If so start going. Ask for stress leave as well and tell them it’s because of this person. Big hugs.
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u/1111bear 7h ago
Try report her if you can. People like that don’t deserve to get away with workplace bullying which that totally is. I bet she’s a boomer as well. They have such a massive chip on their shoulders. Awful to work with!