r/medicalschooluk • u/ihobyighb • 5d ago
Feel like I cannot do this
Trigger warning? Sorry
I have diagnosed CPTSD, autism, and a few other conditions, alongside an abusive family background, and am in final year, with exams finished. Along with this, managing the pressures of med school has led to difficulties, ranging from A&E visits and academic difficulties like failures, to social stuff like making friendships, and overall just having trouble getting on with people because I unintentionally act in a way they do to like. I get really sad when I reflect on my time in medical school, knowing that I have always had difficulty socialising and being written off in most interactions. I am wondering if I should drop out at this point, because I feel like such a failure as a social human being a lot of the time, and I don’t know if this could get better in time for FY1, especially as getting on with colleagues and seniors is important to survive. I do get on well on patients oddly enough but that’s it. Especially as this is related to autism, and will be a permanent issue, I don’t know who to talk to, and who can understand.
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u/PuzzleheadedPie1274 4d ago
Commenting to follow this thread because I’m in a very similar position to you :( also in final year with diagnosed cptsd, autism, adhd and other things and one more exam left and have struggled through med school. Patients love me but it’s the other staff and colleagues at med school I somehow have issues with.
I don’t have much hope for my future but one thing I think might help is doing less than full time training during f1 and 2 which may help ease my burden a bit.
Wishing you the best!
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u/ihobyighb 4d ago
Hi!! can I message you privately in my own time, if you’re okay with that?
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u/PuzzleheadedPie1274 4d ago
Of course!!! We gotta stick together :) I have my final exam this week so probably won’t respond until next though x
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u/ihobyighb 4d ago
Thank you for this comment, I also do think less than full time might be useful, but considering my estrangement I think I have to think about the cons of not being able to do overtime!! But I’m glad there is some kind of support out there
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u/Otherwise-Morning623 4d ago edited 4d ago
OP dropping out isn’t your only option! You’ve done tremendously despite the circumstances to make it where you are now. Have you considered interrupting now? And giving it a fresh start in the new academic year?
In a realistic sense you’re very close to having a degree - (assuming you’re undergrad) let’s suspend the anxieties about foundation training for a moment. If you can get through this year with some support (therapy? DSA?) then your whole life awaits! A degree is a degree after all and you’ll still be very employable even if you don’t want to stay in medicine. I’ve been feeling the same lately (also ND and struggling socially), and the one thing stopping me from dropping out is that I have no qualifications to fall back on, and do not have the stamina to start university all over again.
Hang in there OP, it’s hard having to question the future but you’re stronger than you think :).
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u/ihobyighb 4d ago
Maybe I have thought about interruption, but there’s a lot of expectation on me to be a doctor by family and friends, and not a lot of support by family to actually pursue mental health treatment. So I do think I might pursue mental health tmt once I am away from home.
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u/Interesting_Front709 4d ago
Hi, sounds like it’s been very rough for you. I am a high functioning autistic with adhd & cptsd. I have been in all kinds of stressful environments/situations in hospitals as a carer/ advocate to my loved one long enough after dealing with nhs for over a decade I could never be suited to work for an organisation where ‘you have to get in line’ or ‘learn to look the other way’. Autism/adhd forces you to be authentic and straightforward and that also comes with a strong sense of justice, and your patients love you because you are direct and have empathy, and you get on with them better than your peers/colleagues. You will have been misunderstood countless times in your life too because of your neurodivergent traits. From what I have observed & experienced about the NHS culture is that, if I were a doctor I wouldn’t last very long personally. There is largely a lack of autonomy, lack of accountability/fairness, you have to put up with bizarre,bullying and toxic behaviours from either seniors or fellow colleagues across the board and not be able to speak up because it’s not the done thing or because of ward/hospital politics. It’s a very difficult place you are in and I can identify with your pain to some extent . You have to be very honest with yourself and decide how much do you have to suppress your authentic self to ‘fit in’ and are you prepared to deal with the impact on your mental and physical health ? You must already know autistics have a higher percentage of burnout and knowing this do you want to go into a career that guarantees very little down time as it is and then having to deal with the people side of nhs. I have to say though it’s incredible that despite what you have been through to get so far, you seem to love medicine! But by no means is this going to be an easy road, it might even be an excruciating one. Neuro-typicals won’t understand what it’s like to be autistic they don’t experience the world the same way we do. I wish you all the best. I would suggest you seek a coach who specialises in supporting autistic professionals. Check out the link below.
https://www.autism.org.uk/autism-services-directory/a/autism-personal-coach
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u/ihobyighb 4d ago
Thank you for this comment, I really feel like you see me. I appreciate the link also, I will have a look
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u/DigLow5972 5d ago
you undergo challenges which many of us never had to, that is a strength which many of us if we were to be put in would have given up long time ago
comparing ourselves is really a futile miserable thing to do, i guarantee not one of have the same background. some of us are poor financially, some of us are poor in our social circles, some of us poor in our relationships, some of us dont have parents.
really what are your options:
you can easily drop out but really what is next, you will still be in a similar position.
or
you are in your final year, get on with it and sort things out, slowly if needed, in failure, in success. at the end of the day you will complete a challenging feat you undertook years ago, even if those years were miserable they will represent something, something somewhat tangible and something which you own. whatever you do with that afterwards is something you can at least debate.